A/N: This one's very different from my others. For one thing, it's from a 1st person POV, and also the fact that it focuses on an idea rather than event or events. IT's rather interesting.

No character 'til the end, though it's likely obvious who it is speaking if you've read that previous vignettes. Or Maybe not

"Let Me Fall"

Let me fall…
Let me climb…
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide…

February 23rd

Someone once asked me what, at the time, I thought was the world stupidest question. It seemed to be so easy to answer, just one short sentence. I never gave it more thought until today, until it suddenly mattered. When I dreaded the reality that I must really make the unthinkable decision.

So when someone asked me one day back in about 1826 whether I would let someone kill themselves, I laughed. Truly, I did. I thought it was ridiculous. There was no excuse, no reason for such measures to be taken. Everything and anything could be helped, and there was always some way the person could be saved. That's what I thought back then. But now, I am not sure. Can there truly be a circumstance where letting someone go can be the right thing to do?

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage …
The one I want,
The one I will become
Will catch me…

I would never have even pondered this had I not read them. Not read the thoughts of someone who truly wanted to just end it all. To die. And to be honest, I was shaken. I, with all my logic, with all my philosophy, could never have seen this turn, this outcome, and this horror. It was too painful, and all I could think of was that time so long ago now, when I was asked what I would do. And I actually realized that I may have to make that decision, and, oh dear God, I did not want to make that decision. I didn't want to even read it once I started, but I kept going, and I kept thing, and I kept reasoning with myself that it was over, but all I could think was that he had truly just wanted to die, to fall away from it all, and that I may have had to make that decision, maybe when it was too late for even my words to reach him. I still can't shake that feeling, no matter how he seems to be feeling for the better. Because I know it is likely he could just be fooling us all, and one day, he will just slip away….

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them

March 2nd

It still nags at me. I cannot get that feeling to go away, the feeling of helplessness, of for once in my life not knowing. I have never been so uncertain, and been unable to really make a decision. But then again, how is one to make a decision about something such as this? How can I just say "Fine, do it, kill yourself." I can't. I just can't.

March 12th

He has left, going on some sort of mission to try and restore the only thing that could make him happy again. This should make me feel more relieved, but I cannot help but feel more anxious, now having so much time to myself, just to ponder over these questions in my mind. Every time I think I can say yes or no, I keep finding reasons to spring me back into uncertainty, to bring me back exactly where I started. How can I say no, and yet, as a friend, how can let him live like this, when indeed he believes there is nothing to live for? Is it selfish for me to want him not to die just because of me?


Let me fall,
If I fall…
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise…
I will dance so freely,
Holding on to no one ….
You can hold me only
If you too will fall…
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains….

May 16th

I have finally had to talk with my fiancée, who has gotten worried with my rather uncharacteristic behavior as of late. She just snorted when I explained my fears and told me it is not selfish to want him to live. That he should just realize that he has reason to live, that he has friends and family who love, him, but I try to explain to her my fear that that may just not be enough anymore. She just shook her head and sighed at me, saying "if he's stupid enough to make that decision, then it's no fault of yours. It's not you letting him go; it's him letting himself go. Nothing you could say or do could stop him if he was truly in the mind to do it."

May 17th

I've thought about what she said, and maybe she is right. Maybe the question isn't even relevant, maybe it's nothing I have to worry about. But what if it is? What if he asked me if he could, if he really wanted to…could I answer yes without feeling any sort of guilt? Or would I selfishly ask him to stay despite his wishes, despite his feeling? I don't know. I honestly don't know. And I want to know: I want to talk to him, to sort it out, to make sure there is no chance of any of this thought becoming relevant, that any crisis is over, but I cannot even do that a the moment. Leaving me stuck with a strangely quiet and empty feeling castle and the one thing that has always guided me but now only causes confusion: my mind.

June 6th

I would never have remembered the significance of this day had my mind not been on so morbid a track. After all, if I think about it, I have already in a way answered my questions with my actions, when I let him go that day, without a fight, without praying and begging for him to come back. When I just gave up and went on doing as I was doing. Is that a sign of my selfishness, or perhaps coldness, that I can so coolly walk away with only the slightest infraction of my temperament, when others not even as close as I are brought to hysteria? Maybe I'm just cold, that I could let him go. Maybe it would happen again, that I would just walk away, and let him die if he must, and pretend I would not feel a thing. I've never thought of myself as cold until now, but how else can one describe it? When one lets emotions fly away for logic, it only makes sense that they gain a certain sense of coldness in their demeanor. But my fiancée just laughed when I imparted this with her: she thought I was being plain ridiculous, that my blow up over the information that started this whole fiasco only proves that I haven't lost all feeling, and my continued melancholy over this dilemma. She thinks I am being petty and that I shouldn't even think on it any longer. Perhaps she's right. Maybe I will try to forget all for this, though I doubt, alas, that it could ever work. I can never stop thinking….


Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage…
The one I want,
The one I will become
Will catch me….
So let me fall
If I must fall….
I won't heed your warnings ….
I won't hear….

August 11th

I really must stop this line of thinking. It is getting me into a dangerous set of mind, and my dear fiancée is getting terribly concerned by it. She nearly hit me across the face when I mused earlier, not knowing I was speaking aloud, what I would do should he actually do it. How would I survive here without him? I cannot even fathom a life without him, having been nigh separated since we were small children. But she, of course, thought this was intolerable and chastised me on my foolish thoughts, reminding me that she too had gone through losing one to this type of matter, and that I should know better from hearing of her past mistakes. Indeed, her request seems more than reasonable, but it is still a valid point to consider. I wonder if I too will be greatly changed, such as he had, by the loss of the one closest and most dear to me aside from her. I honestly don't know how I'd feel, and that is something entirely strange to me. I've always been one who had complete control over my thoughts and feelings, who has always been able to be cool and collected no matter what. Yet here I get shaken up over a little question, one that's not even that complicated. Or, it shouldn't be. Perhaps I do tend to dwell too much, to blow it out of proportion. I don't know. All I know is that I need to stop thinking about it. I will.

September 12th

Looking back, I am surprised by my own thoughts. Honestly, now that I have broken away (for the most part) from any related train of thought, it seems my fears are foolish and my uncertainty irrelevant. It is highly unlikely anything more will come of that situation, and I will never need to truly ponder that ambiguous, unanswerable question ever again.

Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance,
This perfect moment
Just let me fall…

June 6th

Another year, and looking back, I can see how ridiculous and selfish I really was. But now it is almost as if it were all a dream, a distant memory, with him being happier and actually being truly happy for once, and everything back to almost a sense of normalcy, as it were. It seems surrealistic, the words he wrote, the words I wrote…for now, I will once again forget that question. And I only hope never to ponder it again, to never have to face those fears. Because I will never let him fall.

~Etienne Louis Combeferre