A/N: I have put a link to the wolf pack family tree on my profile you can find it here-

familyecho.

com/

?p=START&c=ls51m45o8e&f=586533354123949577

Chapter 4: Keep, Donate, Toss, Mom

"Mom you can't take everything, where are you going to fit it all?" I whined as my mother put a blue post-it on yet another piece of furniture.

While Solace stayed with the rest of my family and pack at the Uley house where everyone had assembled to mourn, I decided to spend a few hours sorting through the mess of our house. I couldn't stay in that cramped space listening to anymore 'remember whens' and I needed a distraction. I needed to be making myself useful and with all the wolf-girls tending to the Cameron family needs, I worked on the immediate needs of my family.

My mind had been reeling since we received the text from Kai late last night and I couldn't stand still; my mother was on the same page. We didn't mention Kim. We didn't talk about anything, we immersed ourselves at the task at hand. My mother and I were more alike than we liked to admit.

Solace and I were perfectly complementary as a couple, both very passionate and affectionate, but we expressed passion differently especially in times of adversity. When I was upset, I needed to do: I needed to make art or food, I need to be physically active and organize or beautify things. Solace's relief came verbally. He needed to give voice to the deep inner emotions that flowed through him before he drowned in them. After Kai's text Solace and I squeezed into my old bed, with Ezra cuddled between us and Solace cried into my hair until after a bit of pushing, the words started to pour out.

I'd always known Jared and Kim in a specific way. Jared was always the solid, dependable, family man, with well known skills in carpentry and baking. Kim was always the straight shooting, powerhouse who everyone went to for advice. Together as a couple they were always entirely devoted, passionately in love and in sync. So it came as a surprise to listen as Solace recalled their rocky early courtship and their struggles as young parents.

Kim and Jared weren't always the wise couple that had it all figured out, and that was somewhat comforting. Mark was the pack alpha of my childhood and Freddie the alpha of my adult life, so hearing stories of the early years when Sam was the authority figure and decision maker was like a history lesson. There was one constant though, it seemed that even the Kim and Jared of Solace's memories were always the backbone of the pack.

I learned a lot listening as Solace bared his soul. I hadn't known that Kim and Jared took in Krys who was just 13 when he phased for the first time. I didn't know that Kim had known Jordan and Michael before they joined the pack, and that she watched after them when they lost their last family members. I didn't know that when Leah broke Solace's heart it was Jared and Kim who convinced Solace to move back to La Push, where he grew close to young Amber. It hurt me that I had never thought to ask Kim about her life. Like a mythical figure it always felt like Kim had sprung into creation as the perfect antidote to all that ails you, and Jared was a perfect match created just for her.

Though we had come back to say our goodbyes it didn't make the shock of mortality any less violent. I tried to stay by Solace's side as his shoulder to lean on but when the sadness hit me so hard it stole my breath, I fled the Uley house with my mother at my heel. The only thing that helped right now was keeping busy. So after raiding my father's study of every color of post-it available, we made a system.

Red post-it: Keep

Green post-it: Donate

Yellow post-it: Toss

Blue post-it: Mom

Currently the blues were in the lead. We were half way through the first floor and the only big thing I felt like salvaging for myself was the solid oak dining room set with intricately carved legs and matching chairs. My mother on the other hand followed me changing most yellows to blue.

"Do you know how many people in town would love a barely used sectional couch from some fancy company? Or one of my beautiful original watercolors?" She asked a little huffily, as she switched out a green post-it on the canvas in the dining room to blue.

"You made that mom?" I asked taking another look at the soft impressionist style watercolor. As I inspected it the cliffs off of First Beach came into view, and in the distance the sun bleached logs we used to gather around for bonfires came to life.

"Yeah, I painted it for Solace before you were born to put up in his apartment in Seattle," she said joining me as I looked at the large picture with renewed interest.

"Were you friends?" I asked skeptically. I had never really thought about their relationship before I came into the picture. I knew that he and my father had been friends but my mother would have been a teenager the first time Solace left La Push.

"Oh yeah! Every girl was friends with Solace, he was Mr. Suave," my mother chuckled, elbowing me. "Emily was probably the only woman he didn't make blush."

"Even though you had Dad? Mom that's so scandalous," I giggled taking the blue post-it off and replacing it with a red one.

"I was imprinted not blind, of course Solace made me swoon. And you don't have to keep it because of me," she said slapping my hand away from the painting but I pressed the red 'keep' post-it more securely.

"No, I want it," I insisted, taking a second look at the rest of the art in the open concept house.

"Noticing a pattern?" She remarked standing next to me as I appraised each piece. From my spot in the dining room I could see the three paintings lining the entrance and the massive gallery wall in the living room. Almost every painting was a different style and medium but there was a distinct flavor that connected them.

"You painted all of these for him?" I asked a bit taken back. On the living room gallery wall, interspersed with photographs of his travels and the pack there were several paintings in all different sizes and themes, including a charcoal sketched picture of Solace's profile; I had never taken a minute to think of where they had all come from.

"Mmm, I guess I felt a bit of a connection to him… I don't know if there's a science to it but even before you were born there was always a bit of a draw to Solace, your dad felt it too, he always liked Solace. I showed that affection through art. He probably has dozen and dozens of other drawings and paintings around here," my mom said opening the pantry and scrunching her nose when she found it empty, save for a mouse trap.

"Wait, wait are these yours," I asked running up the stairs and rushing back down with the three canvases I'd put to the side a few nights back.

"Yeah, those three were a part of a series, they go with the three in the entrance," she said walking down the hall to stand in front of them.

I placed the three canvases that had bewitched me on the floor leaning them against the wall to compare them to the three already on the wall. Both sets of three were done on 10 by 10 canvases, in oil paints that was heavily textured, my mother having used so much paint it was almost three dimensional.

They were both very bold and eye catching but the three hanging in the hall didn't evoke the same emotion as the aqua blue and silver set on the floor. Of the three hanging on the wall two had had green 'donate' post-its on them which matched the color scheme of the paintings so much they almost blended in. I'd put a red post-it on the center painting which I considered keeping for Ezra's new bedroom, but I wasn't married to it the way I was obsessed with the blue pieces on the floor. My mother had become a commercially successful artist when I was a toddler through digital designs and handmade fabric patterns, I was not use to seeing abstract work from her.

"These are so unlike you. What was the inspiration?" I asked curiously. While I could see hints of her feminine style, it was a lot bolder and more frantic then her generally flowing patterns and serene prints.

"You," She said simply, smiling as she leaned forward to examine them more closely. "Amber commissioned me to do artwork for the halls on both floors but I'll let you in on a secret. I just took pieces these out of storage."

"Mom," I chided laughing.

"What? No one specified they had to be brand new art and these were special because they were partially yours," she said picking up one of the blue canvases off the floor and turning it over to reveal a tiny silver thumb print.

"Is that?" I trailed off, pressing my thumb to the fingerprint, covering it entirely. She nodded.

"Before you were born I was working part-time at school as an art counselor and making art to sell at fairs on the weekend, but when you were born we couldn't really afford for me to only work part-time, so I had to work full time. I hated it. I hated being away from you and I felt like the worst mother ever," she paused looking at me. She looked younger speaking about it, her white streaked hair framing her big brown eyes like a halo.

"You felt like a bad mom? I guess I'm not alone." I was shocked to hear it and also relieved.

I didn't have any close friends with children and even with my own sister it was hard to admit how much I beat myself about everything. Not many days went by when I didn't question my mothering skills, especially when Solace was such a natural born father and was desperate for more children. My mother had done an excellent job raising us, she was the stricter of my parents which I didn't appreciate as a teen, but if even she doubted herself maybe I wasn't doing so bad.

"Oh god yes, I would cry in the shower almost every night for the first month you were born. I had prayed and planned for you for so long, then when you came I was so lost. If it wasn't for the wolf-girls, I don't know if I would have had more children. Kim and Rachel would talk me off the ledge all the time. You were only 8 months old when I went back to work and I missed so many of your milestones," she sighed.

"Is that why you're always nagging me about working?" I asked cautiously as I added keep post-its to the other hanging paintings. My mother had strongly held opinions about being a mother and I never confronted her about them, primarily because I didn't feel confident enough in my own ability to question her.

"I'm not try to nag you Maddie, I'm seriously not, but I missed so much because I was working to live. You and Lee have a luxury that I didn't have until I was pregnant with Addison, you can afford to take time off and enjoy being a mother. Trust me no amount of money could ever be traded in for all the things I missed with you. I missed your first steps and your first words, and personally I lost my creativity. I couldn't raise you, work full time and still have the energy to create meaningful art," she said putting blue post-its on a set of gray suede high-back armchairs that I was eyeballing with distaste.

I had missed those milestones with both Ezra and Carina, as well. Solace was diligent about recording everything, so I had convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal but looking back at it gave me a sudden rush of sadness. Ezra advanced particularly quickly. His first steps were followed very quickly with running. His first words morphed rapidly into full sentences. At this point Carina's vocabulary consisted of Mama, Papa and milky, but how long before she was sharing inside jokes with Papa the way Ezra did?

"Then how did you get your creative groove back?" I asked opening the door to the 4th bedroom, which Solace had turned into a library no one ever used. Two of the walls were lined with ceiling height thick wooden bookshelves and every shelf was lined with books, some still wrapped in plastic. I pulled one out and there was the tell-tale binding crack of a brand new book.

"I was doing an after school program with the town kids for extra cash. Monday, Wednesday and Friday like clockwork Leticia or Emily, whoever was watching you that day, would bring you over in a pair of paint covered overalls and you would fingerpaint with the rest of the kids. I swear you were not even half their age but you had a better eye for color and contrast than all of them. Those paintings all started out as your finger paintings, they were so vivid and alive like you," she paused, looking at me lovingly.

"I started collaborating with you. I would sit you down with colors I wanted to work with then I finished them at night after you went to bed. They were so vivid they inspired me to make patterns and I got my groove back. I kept all of our early collabs in storage and when I was asked for artwork to fill Solace's giant house I made sure every room had a piece of you in it," she said pointing a small pencil drawing of a small girl with pigtails and round chubby cheeks. I recognized the dress from old pictures of me as a child and unexpectedly my eyes teared.

I turned away and leaned into the picture, recognizing my mothers small scribbled signature. On the small table, next to the sketch of me, was a stack of leather bound journals. I picked one up, flipping to the middle. It was a journal and I recognized the small neat writing instantly.

In the first journal I found this quick entry:

Friday June 10th, 2020*

The Volturi have fallen, with the help of the Cullens and a handful of other vamps we have defeated an ancient coven of the most powerful vampires in the world. Everyone is celebrating another big win, Jake and Nessie are planning their wedding, the rest of the pack feel invincible but I'm not so sure this is a victory.

We risked our lives yet again but we've put ourselves farther out into the supernatural world. We have have basically created a marker on the map for other vampires and whatever else exists out there to find us, to challenge us. This is the largest pack in history but not for long. Jake and Leah have already splintered off and in the fall six more of us will leave if we can… if fate or Sam don't stop us.

And in a second, thicker journal I found this:

Saturday August 26th, 2022**

Phil and I drove down to La Push for the birth of Anna and Michael's triplets Thursday night, only to be confronted with a whirlwind of pack drama that I would rather not be involved in. Quil and Claire let us stay in the spare bedrooms above the shop where they now live and when we arrived Quil filled us in on all the things we were "missing". I missed La Push often, I missed the sound of waves and the comfort of living among people who shared an ancient history, but I never missed this. I loved everyone in this pack, blood relations or not, but I didn't have the energy for drama anymore. I turn 30 in a few weeks but as far as love and drama are concerned I've had more than my fair share for a lifetime.

For the last two years I have lived in Leah's world of yoga and meditation, self discovery and peace. She helped me reclaim my life. Which is why I know it was awful for me to be so excited to return home for the birth of my first love's triplets, on a mission to imprint. It felt like a betrayal to even pray for it, knowing it would hurt Leah but I've watched two generations of wolves find their match and I'm getting desperate.

Leah is very clear. She tells me often that she will never truly let me into her heart. So no matter how dedicated I am to her, I need to be selfish. But with each passing imprint my anxiety grows. Have I spread myself too thin? Do I not have enough love left in my body to be worthy of a partner? Have I missed an opportunity or a cue that would have lead me to my perfect match?

I had been foolish enough to dream that this baby girl might be the one, because though my love for Anna has evolved into that of a little sister it was still very present. Instead I pinched baby Melody gently, desperate to look into her eyes and watched on as Mark got his heart obliterated. Jared's son Taylor imprinted on her. Mark was in love with Taylor. I walked into more drama that I could not avoid.

It happened quickly and before I could even register my own disappointment I was dragging Mark through the hospital doors, past a hospital lobby filled to the brim with nosey wolves and wives. After my mother died I was left with only four family members: Sam, Embry and Sam's twin boys Mark and David, but only I knew this connection. So instead of spending the night licking my wounds I was able to be there for my nephew in a time of need, to bond with one of my only remaining relations, it was suitable consolation prize. For now.

"Do you think you should be reading those?" My mother asked looking over my shoulder as I flipped to the front inside cover where 2022-2023 was written.

"Wouldn't you want to read something of Dad's before he imprinted on you?" I asked waving it in front of her like a tempting treat.

"Quil was 16 when he imprinted on me, I doubt he had much interesting to write about," she chuckled twirling around the room with interest.

"Well I'm keeping these anyways," I said throwing the stack of journals into a small keep box in the hall.

"So you have the three bedrooms upstairs are you keeping this as a library? Looks like it's the only room that doesn't need a lot of work," she appraised the room, taking a seat in the luxurious soft leather loveseat. The room had been designed like an old smoking room, very manly and while it would have been perfect for a bibliophile or writer like Jordan I couldn't see it being useful for a family of four.

"I think we'll probably set it up as a guest room, and hopefully we can turn it into a nursery at some point," I said inspecting the sturdy looking bookshelves and thinking of ways to repurpose them.

"Wait are you guys going to try to have another baby?" My mom asked dropping the stack of post-its in her hand in excitement. I nodded and she launched herself at me.

"Mom, I can't breathe," I whined but she just squeezed me harder. I hugged her back and before long her grip loosened and her breathing became laboured. I didn't let her go, I held her as her tears soaked through the shoulder of my t-shirt and I hushed her as her sobs filled the room painfully.

"Are you really coming back?" My mother's voice was so small and fragile when she finally spoke it broke my heart.

"Yes, Mom I swear before the end of the year we'll get settled in," I promised, setting a date for the first time. She pulled back to look me in the eyes, hers were red and puffy.

"You're an amazing mother, don't doubt yourself I'm so proud of you," she said seriously, rushing to wipe away her newly formed tears.

"You were too mom, you were the best."

.X*X.X*X.X*X.X*X.X*X.

A/N:

* This journal entry coincides with Chapters 20-22 of Enough With This Gravity Moving Already!

** This journal entry coincides with Chapter 14 of Pathetic Ramblings of a Homosexual Werewolf.