Apperception

one hundred and twenty-three days ago

X

Kate scraped her hair off her face and turned slowly in the study, taking in the light through the windows, the lines of the bookshelves she knew title by title, and the massive desk on which they had probably conceived their daughter.

Castle came in from the living room and dropped his hands on her shoulders, kissed the side of her neck. "Find anything?" he murmured at her ear. A squeeze that did nothing to relieve her tension.

She shook her head, turned into his arms. "No. Not a single thing."

"Trust it?"

She chewed on her bottom lip. Her anxiety levels were pretty high, but she'd been in her therapist's office for two hours this morning, working herself into and then out of a panic attack.

"I trust you," he said, and then raised his voice. "I trust you. We're clean. We can talk freely, Kate. This is our home."

She didn't want to point out that numerous suspects had found easy access to his loft. Wasn't helpful. "Maddy asleep?" she said finally.

"Not yet. On her way though."

"Sweet baby," she murmured, dropping her hands and stepping back. "I have the rest of the afternoon. Took a personal day for therapy." She glanced over her shoulder towards the living room. "If you don't mind..."

Castle chuckled and nudged her away. "Go. I know you want to hold her all through her nap."

She flushed and turned to look at him, ducking her head at the knowing grin on his face. "I just-"

"You just love her, and you miss being home," he finished. His lips flirted with a smile, and he leaned in, kissed her with a loud smack. "We love you too, Kate."

She knocked her cheek against his, the warmth of his affection washing all through her. The panic, the anxiety - those roiling emotions faded to the background when he crowded her like this. She was addicted to him, this feeling he gave her that the world could be theirs, that this was going to work out.

Even with her office being bugged, with LockSat lurking, Rick Castle gave her hope.

He pushed her towards the living room, and she went, smiling at him, she knew, like an adoring sap. He winked and sat down at the desk, opened his laptop.

Kate hurried into the living room and found their daughter awake and kicking in her bassinet before the window, her eyes focused on the mobile over her head. The stars twirled and sparkled and Kate touched one with a finger.

Madeleine squealed, catching sight of her mother, and Kate laughed, reaching in to pick her up. The baby gurgled, open mouth wet at Kate's neck, like a kiss, and Kate rubbed her daughter's back, humming.

The late afternoon light came through the window, dazzled Maddy so that she gave a little wonderful gasp and lifted her head for a brief moment. Kate turned her nose into the baby, kissing the little neck, the round cheek. Maddy nuzzled into her mother in response, body curling up.

Kate was almost breathless as she cradled her daughter, easing the baby down into the crook of her arm. She swayed there in the waning light, stroking her fingers over Madeleine's sweet perfect nose, around her bow lips, dusting her cheeks and chin.

"Sleep, sweetheart." She skimmed two fingers across Maddy's eyebrows and the baby's lids drooped. "That's it. Sleep for me. It's naptime, and we're safe at home. Perfectly safe. Never let anything happen to you."

Madeleine's lashes closed, her body going slack in Kate's arms.

X

They laid together in bed, face to face, huddled in for warmth against the chill that had gone through the room now that it was dark. Kate was too tense to sleep, and she could see it affecting even Castle.

"Nothing here," he told her again. But he kept his mouth near her ear, speaking softly. And it wasn't just to keep from waking the baby.

"I know, I know," she murmured back. "But my office. I want to know who and when. How. A bug in my office, Castle."

"It's bad," he admitted. She could feel his five o'clock shadow against her chin and she shivered. His fingers were pressing into her spine just below her skull, getting at those hard knots. "It's bad, I agree. But no listening devices at the loft. None at my PI office either."

"Just me," she whispered, the truth of that dawning. Castle was in the clear, Castle was - they thought she was the only one.

Had to keep it that way. She was not making her kid an orphan.

An orphan.

Maddy could - her daughter could turn out to be just like Kate, the albatross of a murdered mother around her neck for the rest of her life, never quite able to find peace again.

"Oh, God," she groaned, burying her face in his neck. "Maddy."

"It's okay. We're going to make it," he said fiercely. "This doesn't change anything. I won't let it. We have fought too hard for this family."

"Our baby is three months old," she moaned. "Rick. What the hell were we thinking?"

"She's a gift, a beautiful surprise, she-"

"We should never have-"

"Don't say that. Don't." His grip was painful, bruising, and she lifted her head, willing him to see, to know, to understand how bad this was.

He growled her name and rolled on top of her, his weight bearing her down. She groaned and bucked up into him, desperation making her dizzy.

"Don't say it," he husked. "Don't think it, Kate."

All the terrible grief closed down on her, but his body - his body was a flame, burning bright, fierce, unshakeable. He never gave up, he never gave up.

"Love me," she demanded, already pushing her hand between them, into his pajama pants. "Love me, please."

"I do," he groaned. Fumbling at her nightshirt, rucking it up. "I am. I always will-"

He sank into her just that fast, no warning, no sweet anticipation, just the brutal shove of his body inside hers. She cried out his name, thrilling to his force, and worked to drown her fear in his love.

X