Authoress Note: Okay, I'm not mad at you people here. But, I'm only mad at one person… I'm not going to mention any flames… But, this is what they wrote: (I put in bold the flame part)
This story is quite ok, except the interspersed Japanese is pretty annoying. If you want to show off your Japanese linguistic abilities, write the entire story in Japanese and post it on a Japanese fan site. I absolutely despise fics with random words in Japanese. And in case you (like some people) think that I only don't like this because I don't understand the words, I'd like you to know that I study Japanese formally. So there.
Another thing that really ticks me off is how you refer to people by their eye colour, hair colour or occupation. I mean occupation is understandable (but do try to avoid it, it makes for such dry reading) but the "onyx-eyed" and "pink-haired" and everything is really really boring and cliched. I'm sure you can do better than that! (By the way referring to Sakura as "the cherry blossom" is really Irritating and Unacceptable, capital I, capital U. )
Also, the characters are slightly OOC. You're making Urahara dumber than he is. Remember, he's the guy who created the Hougyoku! He's SMART. So the bit about him not understanding what a punctured lung is was completely off. (in chapter 2)
Sakura is adopting some Mary-Sue characteristics as well. Be very careful with her characterisation in future chapters. (A/N: That tid-bit was absolutely fine)
Why does Sakura have an Ipod Nano all of a sudden? I know Naruto is AU and they have walkie-talkies and colour printers and cameras and handphones but was there any hint given that she owned an IPOD NANO?! Is it significant? Is it to be used as a murder weapon in later chapters? If not, there's no need to add it in, is there?
I think you have some pretty odd sentence structures. Your Japanese introduction for Sakura also had a grammar error. Please check your grammar before posting up your stories. And don't forget your spelling. And punctuation.
Ok, now that I'm done with the criticism (I do hope it was constructive)(A/N: Criticism my ass!) I will tell what I do like about your story. That would be ... well, I guess you have a rather creative plotline. :D
Your writing style is quite alright so far. You are unlike some people who insist on describing every budding leaf on a tree of their choice (for some symbolic thingo, no doubt) when IT DOES NOT ADD TO THE PLOTLINE WHATSOEVER. I'm glad you have a more no-frills attitude; if it doesn't lend meaning to the plot, don't describe! Don't succumb to the temptation of adding lengthy paragraphs on the pretty clouds! Keep up the good work in that area. :D
WELL LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING BUB!! This is MY fan-fiction, I can write it any way I want. AND, you have no write to give me a flame! This is to that person. Not to everyone. ' Oh, and I do accept constructive criticism, but THIS IS NOT CRITICISM!! THIS IS FLAME GOD DAMN IT!! No, I'm not pissed… Okay, I am. I'll just let you know that I maybe be very nice at some times, but I do have a very short temper like Tsunade. I know Urahara is not dumb, I was creating that to at least try to make this fan-fiction better. And, I want to describe everything I see, but that would be too much. It's CALLED DESCRIPTIVE WRITING!! Yes, I made her own an I-Pod Nano cause I want her to. I know it has nothing to do with the plot-line, but guess what?! Not everything deals with the plot!!
Sasori: Woah, calm down…
Me: AND don't make any complaints that Sasori is here! I am fucking sick of your complaints! This is not a buffet so why don't you create you own story?!
Sasori: O.O don't you think that's a little harsh—
Me: No. He god damn deserves this fucking shit I'm talking right now!
Sasori: -runs away-
Authoress Note: Okay, I'm not one of those people who get all upset and start weeping their ass of on the keyboard. I still haven't lost my pride! XD But, I will warn you. I have a very short temper. Constructive criticism does NOT affect me but helps me. That piece of… Calm… That so-called review is not criticism. It's a REAL example of flame. If you really want to see the person who did this: go complain to them cause the person is an anonymous. If the person wasn't I wouldn't be yelling this crap to you innocent reviewers. I'm so sorry you had to see my bad side! So very sorry…
Note for the Flamer: I am NOT sorry you had to see my bad side. I am definitely continuing my story. I'm only 12 years old!! What, you expect me to be an adult?! I am against many things and that review is one of them. I had never hated anyone on fan-fiction, and I don't hate you. I know you were "trying" (or so I think) to help improve me, but please no FLAMES. You may continue flaming me all you want. Cause you know what buddy? Karma.