Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction based on characters from the Harry Potter universe owned by J.K. Rowling.

Fire in the Belly

by Djinn

Part Four

Hermione was surprised to see another man with Tenzing. He looked her over—the look wasn't offensive: he seemed to be taking her measure.

"Do I pass?" she asked, unable to keep the brittleness out of her voice.

"I don't know. Do you?" The monk smiled finally. "I am Sonam. I will be taking over your instruction."

She decided not to point out that so far "instruction" had consisted of a great deal of pointless talking about things that were neither concrete nor particularly useful.

As Sonam led her away from Harry and Tenzing, she muttered, "This is because of that spell I did, isn't it? He doesn't want to train me."

"No, this is because he thinks I am better suited to your energy." Sonam grinned, and the expression was infectious. "I, too, was rather driven as a young man."

He picked up a pack that was lying on a bench and led her around to the shade in the back of the temple. "Sit," he said, pointing at the grass.

She sat, cross legged as the monks seemed to prefer. The lotus position, Tenzing had called it. She couldn't imagine her father with his arthritic knees taking this pose, yet monks much older seemed completely comfortable with it. Maybe practice made perfect?

"I was not here when you came because I was on a search." Sonam laid out a square of silk from the pack, then gently removed several objects. Three pairs of round spectacles, three strands of prayer beads, and three different razors.

"What were you searching for?" Hermione could feel her questions coming easier with this man, her tone softening.

"A great teacher died several years ago and now we search for his new incarnation."

"But he—"

"Or she—"

She smiled. "Or she, would be just a child."

"Yes. It is true. Old enough to make choices, too young to easily deceive. The perfect age to be sought."

She stared at the items. "And these...?"

"Are his. Our Momo Rinpoche's. Or one of each of these is." He sat down next to her.

"I don't understand."

"One of the tests is to find the items that belonged to the previous incarnation. It is how we assemble the candidates for final selection. The child will recognize his or her own possessions. Sometimes they laugh. Sometimes they cry. Always they know them." He met her eyes. "The items that are his are loaded with his essence. Try to determine which are his."

She reached for her wand.

"With your mind. Not with that thing."

She sighed. "May I touch them?"

"Of course."

She picked up the nearest pair of glasses. Round, metal—they looked remarkably like Harry's. "Is this why you wanted us here? Because of Harry?"

"I am looking for a child, Hermione, not a man. And those are reading glasses not the kind of glasses Harry wears. Rinpoche needed them in his last years." He smiled.

"I'm not feeling anything."

"May I?" he asked as he held his hand over hers. When she nodded, he settled his on hers. Then he laughed. "How they expect you to do anything when you never clear the energy from your body is beyond me."

"What?"

"You build up so much magic inside. So much energy inside. And you use these inconsequential sticks as focusing agents and for the most part trickle out your magic or blow it out all at once. There is no moderation. You are either full to the brim or depleted."

"I never feel depleted."

"That is because you have not felt whole in years, Hermione. You don't know what you feel."

"And what makes you such an expert on our system?"

"I was a wizard, too. I know what it feels like to summon that kind of power. To slice and command and make war using the essence of the Universe. Or the miniscule part of it that the methods we are taught as wizards allow us to tap into." He took her wand from her belt, laid it behind her. "It will be fine there. No harm will come to it. Now, please trust me to help you find balance."

"I don't trust easily."

"I accept that. And I would not argue that trust should be earned. But tell me, from your gut-do I feel evil?"

She looked down. "No. You don't."

"Then close your eyes."

She did as he said.

"Now imagine a road that leads from your third eye right here"—he touched just above the spot between her eyebrows—"and your heart and your belly and your inner fire." He didn't touch those parts of her body, but she could imagine what each was. "This road runs into the earth, pouring out spent energy. Negativity. Anything that needs to go can run directly into the earth."

She nodded, afraid that speaking wasn't right.

"Coming back up the road, from the earth, from the planet that supports you, is energy. Energy you have not wrestled or tricked or called up by some spell. It is energy freely given. Clean and bright and ready to fill you and bring you peace."

She nodded again.

"Breathe through your nose, deeply, from your abdomen, not from your chest—you will know you are doing it right if your shoulders do not move. And as you exhale, imagine all the energy you don't need, energy that's been stuck inside you, draining out. And as you breathe in, imagine the clean energy rushing into you, filling you, making you whole. Now, we shall do it together. Breathe."

She tried to do as he said. For a moment, nothing happened, but she could hear him breathing deeply next to her, and she fell in sync with his rhythm, visualized as best she could the energy like dirty dishwater running out of her into the ground. Saw the new energy pulled up into her, shining like the sea when the sun caught it and turned it to liquid silver.

She wasn't sure how long they sat there. She only knew she was sorry when Sonam said, "Now. Try to find Rinpoche's items."

She didn't open her eyes, just leaned in, imagining the items that were the ones she needed to find were pulsing with the same energy she'd just brought into herself. But instead, all of them pulsed with energy. She opened her eyes. They looked normal, but she could still feel the energy they emitted.

"Find the nuances," Sonam said softly.

She looked deeper, ran her fingers through the air over the items, never touching—trying not to force anything. Then she felt it. This set of beads, this razor, and this pair of spectacles—they all felt the same. She pulled them out, set them in a pile and looked at Sonam.

He was smiling at her. "Well done."

She found herself blinking back tears she could not explain.

He touched her hand. "The first time—the connection with the whole—it is overwhelming. I remember it well."

"It's not like anything I've been taught."

"No, I agree. It's so...still inside when you connect."

"Yes. I'm used to magic being so..."

"Martial."

She laughed. "Yes. And a bit noisy. Often with smoke."

He laughed. "And bad smells."

"Right." She put the items back in their piles. "Did you find the incarnation of your...he was your friend, wasn't he?"

"He was. And no, not yet. But I will. Or one of my brothers or sisters will. And when they do, I will be honored to teach them."

She wondered at a system that believed in such things. What would Dumbledore come back as? Or Snape?

"I must report what I have seen on my search. Will you be all right here?"

She nodded. "This is the first time I've felt welcome here."

"No, dear one. This is the first time you've welcomed being here. There is a difference."

She didn't argue. Just nodded and sat in the shade, long after Sonam left her. Soaking in the feeling of complete connection.

##

"So why did you pawn Hermione off on Sonam," Harry asked Tenzing.

"He will suit her better. I infuriate her with the way I answer her questions."

"You answer with questions."

"Precisely. Sonam is more direct. She will enjoy that, I think." Tenzing indicated they should walk to the top of the path that circled around and behind the temple.

"How did you stop her stupefying charm?"

"I didn't."

Harry took a deep breath, from down low, where Tenzing said the true breath lived. What had he been breathing all these years, then? "But it didn't work on you."

"It sought a target. I failed to give it one."

"I don't understand."

"The water in a bowl is made up of many water atoms, is it not?"

"Yes."

"Can you scoop up just one?"

"Of course not, you get whatever amount of water will fill the scoop—and all the atoms that make up that amount."

"She expected one atom that was my essence and everything else to be the rest of the Universe. But when you are one with all, then what will the spell seek?"

"Good defense. Is it something you have to work at?"

"Not anymore. I've been working at this for decades." Tenzing smiled. "This incarnation, anyway."

"I...I don't follow, sir."

"When you achieve oneness to any extent and sustain it over time, it becomes much easier to not have to think about it."

"So Hermione and I couldn't do that?"

"Not now. Maybe someday. If you wanted to dedicate yourself to study." He turned to study Harry. "But I can help you with other things, Harry. I can help you learn who you are."

"I know who I am. I'm the Chosen One." He hated how bitter he sounded when he said that.

"Were. Were the Chosen One. Now...what are you now, Harry?"

Harry looked down.

"It is not a question to be answered in an afternoon. Or a month. Or possibly even a year." He stopped them before they hit the top of the path. "Let's sit here. We will practice the meditation I've been showing you. We will do a round of mantras." He handed Harry a strand of prayer beads. "Count off with this. Once we are done, we will seek the stillness within."

Harry quietly chanted "Om Mani Padme Hum," counting off the mantras on the beads, much like he'd seen Catholics use a rosary to keep their place. Tenzing had told him there was no real translation to the mantra, but through it, the monks captured everything there was to capture about their faith.

Faith. Religion, in other words. Not something Harry had ever had much time for as a child. Not something he'd tried to make time for as an adult, apart from having his children christened—at Ginny's insistence. He doubted he'd have made that choice on his own.

He kept time with Tenzing, his accent changing the words a bit, and he tried to make his pronunciation sound as much like the monk's as he could.

Then, once they finished, Harry tried to seek the stillness within, but the more he sought the stillness, the more his mind fought back. Tenzing had told him this would happen. To clear the mind did not mean the mind would not resist. It was a test of surrender to let the thoughts that popped up in the stillness come and go without latching onto any one.

Finally, he abandoned surrendering and stood. Tenzing didn't seem to notice, so Harry went in search of Hermione, eager to find out if she liked her time any better with Sonam than she had with Tenzing.

He really wanted her to like this. He really needed her to like this so he could keep coming back.

He found her behind the temple, leaning back on her elbows, legs kicked out, staring up at the sky with the most relaxed expression he'd ever seen on her face. She turned to him slowly, her smile languorous.

He found himself staring. He'd never really considered Hermione sexy.

Until now.

"I get it," she said, her voice husky, as if she hadn't talked in a long time. "I finally get it."

He sat down next to her. "Get what?"

"Why you want to come back here. What you feel." She studied him, as if she could probe his mind with her eyes. "It's the connection, right? The oneness?"

He found himself feeling a pang of envy. So far the only oneness he had found was what other people were experiencing. And he was the open one, not her.

"No?" she asked. She was always so perceptive.

"No oneness for me." He leaned over and brushed a stray strand of hair off her cheek. "It's time to go, I think."

She looked at her watch. "It is." She didn't get up, though. "When we were in the Forest of Dean, there were occasions when time would slow down and I'd feel as if I'd never escape there. It was anything but transcendent. But here..." She smiled the slow, almost sensual smile again. "I think we can learn a lot here."

"I think so, too."

She pushed herself to her feet, hauled him up so quickly that he lost his balance and had to hold onto her to steady himself.

"Careful, silly." She laughed. "And the best part of today is no yak-butter smell." She sighed as she looked around. "Soon it will be cold here. We'll need to stash some winter gear places Ron and Ginny won't find them."

"Right." He looked down, suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of hiding more things from Ginny, especially when he was noticing things he shouldn't, like that Hermione was sexy. "Can't we tell them? Can't we bring them here, too?"

He saw her oneness crash on the ground and die. Her expression was suddenly the tight and angry one he'd gotten used to her wearing. "And then what? We could all share the Time-Turner? The whole point of this was so I could have some time to myself. These trips to Nepal weren't even on the agenda. And now you want to tell them?"

"I just...I just worry what they'll think if they find out. If we told them now, it's still early enough where things would blow over quickly."

"Harry, if it were just Ginny, then I'd say yes. But it's Ron. And then it's the children. And then Molly will want to come. And soon the entire, sodding Burrow will be in Nepal. It'll be Weasley East."

He started to say something and she cut him off. "This is mine, Harry. Do not take it away." She'd moved closer, was in his face the way she'd used to do at school, when she was particularly impassioned about something.

He nodded quickly and eased back. "Fine. I just thought...the lying makes me uncomfortable."

"Easy fix, then. Stop coming. Stop lying." She walked away from him, to the front of the temple, was standing looking over the view of the valley when he caught up with her.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"No one ever does," she said as she looped the chain over his head and apparated them to the corner of her office that she never went in except to Time-Turn, a corner that was now hidden by a lovely ornate screen he'd found at a second-hand store. A screen she'd propped up in front of where they usually appeared, in case anyone ever walked in while they were zapping in or out.

"Hermione, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Be careful." She stared pointedly at her door until he took the hint and fled.

##

Hermione was just finishing up her shower, claiming an overzealous walk through the countryside around the Burrow to explain her need for a midday ablution to wash away the yak-butter smell—it was getting too cold in Nepal to meditate outside, so the last few times they'd gone, they'd come back reeking of it—when she heard voices in the hallway. One voice angry: Ron. She tied her robe, turbaned her hair in a towel, and opened the door.

Harry was standing half in and half out of the doorway to his and Ginny's room. Ginny was sitting on the bed, a confused look on her face. Ron was near the room he shared with Hermione, and his face was red—the way it got when he was truly angry.

"What's going on?" Hermione asked, jamming her hands in her pockets to hide her nerves.

"He stinks of popcorn, that's what." Ron turned on her. "Guess you got to the shower first, eh?"

"Popcorn," Ginny said softy.

"Yeah. Only what I want to know is how they're getting to the cinema without us noticing them being gone."

"We're not going to the cinema, Ron. Don't be daft." She tried to push past him. "It's a new spell, is all. I've been trying to perfect it. It's based on something the monks in Tibet use, this...yak-butter thing. Anyway, I figured yak, cow, close enough and made my own cow-butter candles. But it's stinky and I felt silly that I wasn't getting the spell to work because it's really easy—I've been working on it since the first time you asked me about that smell."

She could see Harry staring at her as if he didn't know who she was.

She ignored him and forged on. "And Harry found me trying a while back, and he thought he could do better because he happened to have two monks shoved off on him by Shacklebolt at the Ministry, so I let him try. But he didn't do any better than I have. But I'm going to keep trying. It's just a challenging spell is all."

"What's it do?" Ginny asked softly.

Hermione took a deep breath. "It preserves a flower. Not like we do, where we freeze it in place or petrify it. This...transmutes it. But it comes back a flower." She gave Harry a hard look. "You still have that one the monks gave you, yes?"

He pulled it out of his pocket.

Ron took one look at it and sneered. "That's a sodding business card, Hermione. Not a flower."

"Show them, Harry." Her look dared him to tell them the truth and she knew it was unfair. But she didn't care. Ron would think the worst if he knew they were going off together. And there was nothing wrong with it. But if she told him the truth, he'd want to come. And then—"

"She's lying, Ron." Harry held the flower up to his forehead and it opened into a lotus. "Yes, the flower does this, but that's not what she's up to."

She felt her face freeze. What was he doing?

He looked at Ginny, seemed to be pleading. "She has a Time-Turner. We've been going to Nepal to learn from the monks. It's...it's amazing. And I don't think they would want me lying." His pleading look was turned on Hermione. "I don't think they would."

"You two. Going off alone for parts of the day Gin and I can't even get to?" Ron sounded hurt and angry, the way he had that day he'd left them alone. Abandoned them because he couldn't stand their friendship.

Hermione took a deep breath. "It's not like that. I wanted some time to myself. You know how hard I work. And then the kids. And..."

"And me. That's what you were going to say, isn't it?"

"Yes, Ron, and you. I needed some time to myself. And I needed to learn something new and be excited to use my mind again. Is that so wrong? And Harry stumbled in and had these monks he wanted to visit, and I didn't even want to go, but he convinced me, and they're...amazing."

"You went with him. How is that being alone?"

"Nothing happened, Ron. Harry loves Ginny. I love you. This wasn't even about you. Why are you acting like it's a crime?"

"You were sneaking around," Ginny said softly. "You couldn't tell us. That's usually a sign that maybe you shouldn't be doing it." She looked at Harry, and Hermione couldn't tell if she was angry with him or pleased that he'd squealed. "And now it's out. And you can just go there if you need to. Quit stealing time. Quit lying."

Harry was nodding.

Hermione walked up to him, gave him her most withering look. "I hate you right now." She wanted to slap him, but she turned and pushed past Ron, getting dressed quickly and grabbing the Time-Turner from its hiding place.

She ran downstairs and dialed it back just far enough, caught Harry before he hit the stairs and pulled him into a darkened corner. "Apparate to the Ministry. Shower. Get back here."

"What?"

"Hear that?" She pointed up to where the shower could be heard. Where she was taking a shower right this very minute. "If you go up, you'll run into Ron. You'll smell like yak butter. He'll make a scene. And you'll cave like some little girl. I don't want that to happen. Now go."

He went. And didn't argue at all—she was that mad.

She waited out the few minutes, then hurried into the bedroom, past a reading Ginny, past a Ron doing a puzzle in the paper. She heard Harry come in, heard him kiss Ginny hello.

Ron looked over at her. "Hello there. Good walk?"

"The best. I love it here, Ron."

He beamed and went back to his puzzle.

Disaster averted.

She caught up with Harry after dinner. "You weaseled on me."

"I didn't." But he didn't sound very sure.

"You did. You damn well did."

"I'm sure I had a good reason. But you'll just see them as excuses, won't you?"

"Reasons, excuses—I don't care. We're done. No more Nepal for you."

"You're just going to stop going?"

"I didn't say that."

"Oh, so you can go but I can't?"

She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"I'll tell. You keep me away and I'll tell."

"You did tell. That's why I'm doing this."

"Well, we'll be more careful in the future." He shook his head when she tried to make her face more resolved. "I'll tell, I swear I will. And I'll do it in a way you can't wipe from my mind. I know that's what you're thinking."

"I could wipe you right here."

"What would Sonam think of that?" He seemed to know he'd struck gold by the expression on her face. "They want me there, Hermione. What makes you think they'll keep training you if I'm not in the picture?"

"You're not all that, Harry. You're not the Chosen One again."

"I know. But they like me. I don't know why, but they do. And I'm supposed to be there. And you can't take that away from me."

"I'll just go without you."

"Then I'll apparate there myself. In real time. And tell Ginny and Ron why I'm suddenly never home and never at my job."

She was stuck. And all because she was being selfish.

But why shouldn't she be? She'd given up her childhood to fighting evil. To saving this world. She'd done an awful lot in the Ministry since then as well. And she was a good mother. Why shouldn't she be selfish?

"If you ever betray me again that way, I'll wipe your memory so bad you won't even remember Voldemort or Hogwarts."

"You wouldn't."

"Just try me."