Finishing getting dressed, I listened as Troy jumped up and down on his bed in the other room. He was singing a cartoon melody he had picked up at daycare. I smiled to myself as he hummed out most of it, unable to articulate the lyrics. Walking in, he stopped jumping and gave me a wonderful smile of innocent excitement. At that moment, he held an expression that was identical to Bella's.
"Come on, Troy, let's get dressed then go get some breakfast." I informed him. Heading over to his dresser, I searched for clothes he could still fit into. Bella had always done the shopping and it was one more task I had simply taken for granted. Finally grabbing a pair of pull on jeans and a favorite t-shirt of his, I turned back to the bed to dress him. Once his shirt was pulled all the way down, I stood up. Holding out my arms he jumped into them, resting his head on my shoulder as I ventured from his room down to the kitchen to make us breakfast. Sitting him in the highchair, I snapped the tray in place before grabbing a plastic spoon and bowl.
Troy sat there, banging away happily on the chair, while I grabbed the cereal and milk before returning to the table. He watched intensely as I poured out the flakes and added the milk before setting the bowl directly in front of him. I watched for a moment as he hungrily dove in.
Getting up from the table, I went to make some toast. I could hear Troy as he talked to himself and the cereal. It was cute and endearing and I wasn't expecting the slash in my heart. I found myself gripping the counter as he made airplane noises, the same ones Bella used to when feeding him. She was the perfect mom and tiny details left me begging to change the present. Troy seemed like the only connection I still had to my Bells and most of the time it felt like a double edged sword. Finishing with the toast, I went to sit back down only to remember I forgot to start the coffee. Going back to flick the switch on, I returned to the table.
"Hey, you promised you'd eat all of it if I bought you the kind with the marshmallows." Troy looked up at me to judge if he was in trouble. He had picked out all of the colorful little bits of sugar in his cereal, completely ignoring the flakes.
"Okay." He resigned heavily, taking the spoon and feeding himself some of the 'healthy' part. He was watching me, seeing how far I would make him carry out this daunting task. Each spoonful got smaller and smaller, his pouting becoming more evident. When he was halfway finished, Troy knew there was no winning for him and I felt I was in the clear to retrieve my coffee.
As I got back up to put the coffee in a to-go mug, I could still hear my son. Every second or third spoonful would manage to hit the floor. I knew if I suddenly turned around, Troy would have a guilty expression before smiling brightly in hopes that I didn't notice the mess. Grabbing some paper towels, I went to clean up the discarded food and milk. Putting the stuff away, I removed an excited Troy from his highchair.
"Mommy!" He cried out happily, swinging his legs.
"Yeah, little guy. We're going to go see mommy soon." Grabbing my keys, wallet and coffee we went out to the vehicle. Buckling Troy into the backseat, I walked around to the front, casting a glance at the small garden of tulips Bella had asked me to plant our first year here. I could still hear her voice.
"Come on, Jake. Just plant them all around the house, it'll be pretty."
"Pretty awful. Bella, the climate here is not functioning for tulips. After a few weeks, they're just going to die anyway, if not permanently than at least seasonally."
"Yeah, but for a couple of weeks it'll look beautiful. Please?"
"No, I think we should plant something hardier. If you really want tulips, I'll put a few in a little patch off to the side. Next year when you realize it was a bad idea we can put something else there."
"Fine. But I bet you're wrong. I bet my tulips will still be there." Bella had smiled gloatingly while I rolled my eyes at her persistence.
And here they were, four years later. Tenaciously they clung, blooming in vibrant colors amidst the consistent green of the landscape. Bella referred to it as her own personal rainbow and it was. For only a few weeks they bloomed before receding back into the earth to wait for the next year when they would arise again. Bella's rainbow shone brightly for her and I longed for her to open her eyes and see the miracle she had never given up on and that repaid her nurturing hand in a hued array of thanks.
Troy rode in the back strangely silent. This would be the first time he had seen Bella since the tragedy occurred and I wasn't sure how he would interpret the setting. Pulling into visitors lot and parking, I pulled out a still solemn Troy. He was watching everything around him, each new sight and sound ripping away his attention from the previous.
Bella's door was open as we walked down the hallway to her room. The minute I walked in with Troy, he yelled out happily at the sight of his mom. I found myself choking back my own emotions. I saw her everyday and everyday I could see a little less brightness to her skin, to her presence. She was fighting internally to hold on and I worried about her strength. She needed to break free and come back; I couldn't live this life alone.
"Mommy sleeping?" Troy asked me, not receiving any reaction from Bella.
"Yes, little guy. Mommy is sleeping. But it's okay, she wants us here." Troy nodded his understanding and I wondered what he might actually make of this.
I walked us over to the chair I had marked as my own. It never left its location next to her bed. Far enough away for the staff to take care of her, but close enough that when I sat down I could hold her hand. Sitting down with Troy facing outwards, we both watched her, the monitors attached to her counting out the needs to live. It wasn't long before he became restless.
"Do you want to sit next to mommy?" He stretched his body to the bed and I lifted him over the rail, careful of the lines. He was hesitant to see her like this.
"It's okay, Troy. You can talk to her. She may not be able to answer you, but I know she's listening." Please let her be listening. Whether wasted or not, I couldn't stop my thoughts. It took Troy a few minutes to adjust. I picked up her hand and caressed the top. Her heartbeat was steady still and I found myself starting the task of communicating.
"Good morning, Beautiful. I brought Troy with me today; he wants to talk to you." Kissing her hand, I smiled encouragingly at our son.
"Go ahead, little guy. Mommy's listening, tell her about daycare yesterday." Troy was watching the actions with my hands. A cherub's love pulled him forward and he reached out to hold Bella's limp wrist. Twisting and turning his fingers, he played with hers.
It wasn't long before he was talking to her; a child's speech of incomplete thoughts and words, sustained mostly of sound effects. I didn't want Troy to see me cry at the hopelessness and I forced myself to concentrate on his recounting of playtime and lunch with others his own age. He would stop every so often to look for me and I would smile and nod my head for him to continue.
Troy found the toy wolf on her other side and picked it up to place on her stomach. In his own actions and words he described how the wolf was there to keep her safe. Frequently he would pick it up and nuzzle the wolf to her face, as if delivering kisses and affection. It was awhile before Troy's eyes began to droop and he'd stop talking mid sentence only to wake up and start over. He always searched her face, waiting for some type of recognition or response. Never was there any hint of disappointment from him. Bella was just sleeping and Troy seemed okay with it.
I wasn't. An innocent toddler trying to reach out to his mom. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Moms were supposed to be there always and forever to comfort their children, to hold them and kiss them and tell them how special the child made them feel. To cuddle them to their bosom and give loving kisses in unquestionable acceptance. To hold the child's hand snugly in their own and lead them through life and the obstacles it threw out. The scene before me was brutal, harsh and I wanted to offer my soul to change it.
Tick. The seconds were recorded by the ancient clock hanging on the wall. Tick. While Troy napped next to Bella, I studied it. Tick. The patter was never ending, never forgiving, a silent march that possessed a sentence of its own. Time was a measurement. It never faltered, never stopped, never forgave. It had no awareness and meant everything and nothing. Nothing to the person who had it, who used it without a second thought. The time to hug, kiss, to stay in a lovers embrace. Time meant nothing to those who felt the love as it rained down in torrents, each drop more precious than the next. Time meant everything to the person who had lost their love. No more surprises, no more wake up kisses. Nothing to look forward to. No enveloping cloud of happiness and contentment. Time was a funeral march for them.
Time was also a basic measurement. Scientist used it in countless calculations. But for all of the glory, it mocked just as strongly. Time could be calculated backwards but could not be achieved. No one could go back in time. For all of its glory, it boiled down to a harsh reality. For all that was counted as inconceivable, vampires and werewolves, I would trade it all just to go back in time. Back to five minutes before he had shown up and ripped apart an otherwise peaceful world. Back to last year when I had argued with Bella over something as trivial as leaving a dirty dish on the counter. I would have apologized profusely before pulling her close and hugging her, showering her with all the love and compassion I felt for her, reveling in her returned sentiments. Time had stolen what it had given and I was left with nothing but memories to haunt me. Memories of interactions I couldn't apologize for. Memories of interactions I may never again be allowed to experience. The only thing time had left me with was pain. No medical science could erase it and I was willing to sacrifice almost anything to make a trade. I attempted to defy time and return to less dire place.
"Remember when we were little and our dads used to take us to the beach? We'd spend hours playing in the sand building castles and forts. And all of those times we looked at the tide pools? You always ended up falling or tripping over something. It broke my heart even then when I saw you cry. I'd give anything though to be back at the tide pools. I'd catch you this time, you wouldn't fall. Even if you did, I'd be there to pick you up and kiss away the pain and tears. Do you remember that time?" My memories elicited no response from my love but I knew she would recall the time with vivid clarity.
The soft knock at the door, drew me away. Standing there was Charlie and Sue. I thought maybe they had heard my pleas and had come to offer a lessening to my ache. Silently, I bid them entrance.
"Hey, how long has Troy been sleeping?" Charlie asked, leaning up against the wall at the head of the bed. His expression was loving and tired, a father left with nothing but a belief that somehow this would all work out.
"Not long, maybe twenty minutes?" My voice was low as I stretched out my arms and legs before quietly rising to my feet to offer the chair to Sue. She smiled her thanks as she sat down. Leaning over the rail she brushed Troy's forehead. His hair, though darker than Bella's, held a slight curl to it and like Bella's hair, leaned towards unruly at times.
"Why don't you take a walk? We'll stay here and keep an eye on Troy." Charlie gave me a smile before returning his attention to the bed. He was so damn proud of his only daughter and grandchild and like the rest of us, wished for a resolve soon.
"Sure, thanks." Heading for the hallway, I gave one last look at the only two things that mattered to me.
I found myself in the hospital chapel, a small room with a few pews some plants and a miniature stained window. I found myself praying to a deity I had never spent much time contemplating before now.
"Please, God. Please, let my family be safe, please bring my Bella back to me. I need her, I miss her. God, I love her, so so much. I'll do anything please just tell me what to do. Take my life, for hers. Shorten my life to extend hers."
"Never again will I get angry at her or show indifference over the trivial things. I won't let one hour go by without telling her I love her, that she is my everything, but please God, let her comeback so I can have the chance. Strike me dead if you must but just give me a few more minutes with her awake before taking me. Let me correct this. Give me a sign, something, anything to know you're there."
"Please, I'll do anything. I'll give you anything you want but please don't take my Bells now." I couldn't continue as my voice caught and the tears overtook my face. Silently I sat there is that small nondescript room crying and begging with my own life. There wasn't anything I had that I wasn't willing to give up to have Bella back. If there was a god, he had to have known. And as the tears continued I wanted to believe that a presence was with me. Bella's always but something beyond the reality of our worlds. But in the end, I had failed. I had either failed god or myself because I was still alone. I wasn't angry anymore but there had to be a middle ground. Something I could offer or do to make it all go back to normal. Somehow I had to work to be better to show the forces beyond that I could be worthy of the miracle required to save Bella.
With my resolve firmly in place, I returned to my Bella's room. Troy was still sleeping and Charlie offered to take him to his house for the night. Picking up my sleeping son, I kissed him softly on the forehead before passing him into the arms of his grandfather. All three left with a promise from me that if it became too late I'd just pick up Troy tomorrow. With the room empty, my memories came back to tease me about past times with Bella.
Our world, the one presented to the majority of humanity, morphed from a dream to a reality. The opening of a single door into normalcy feed us both a need as simple as life. People joked for weeks over the joyous spectacle a group of young werewolves caused at her graduation ceremony. Bella treated life as it should be and our happiness was undetainable.
Poor Charlie. He was as gleeful as the rest watching Bella accept her degree with a less than graceful demeanor. Every person was there for their own special someone but our voices outweighed the rest in volume. Almost the whole pack had attended; each one having been spiritually touched by Bella. Only a handful, the family pack, could understand the double meaning of her accomplishment. She was still recuperating; a loss, no matter how dangerous or unhappy, couldn't just be forgotten. But the simple fact that she was willing to trudge forward and attempt to reassemble these quasi normal circumstances into something that functioned was worth more than any award or piece of paper.
That summer, free of any despair or hardships life could throw at her, she thrived. Despite the weather, we spent hours at the beach. Rain or shine, we wondered the shore, cautiously planning a future. Her laughter was as soothing as the sound of the waves and I prayed to hear it again. I found myself back at the beach, Bella in my arms.
Bella's Junior and Senior Years in College
"Jacob, put me down!" Her giggles only spurred me faster as I twirled her around and around in a lovers game of posies.
"Not until you say it." I demanded, our surroundings nothing but a blur of familiar shapes, colors and scents.
"Okay, just put me down first." Her tone was far from commanding as she continued to laugh and gasp at familiar ride of silliness.
"Hmm, nope. I'll stop but I'm not putting you down." Slowing the movement, I waited to hear the promise. The wind played havoc with her locks in a wild pattern and, freeing one of my arms from around her, I gathered them in one hand. She smiled at me before leaning up to fulfill my promise.
"I love you." Her words were whispered, but held all of the emotions to make them irrefutable.
"Not as much as I love you." I whispered back, our foreheads pressed against each other. Her lips curled up in a smile before being gently suppressed against mine. If those were the only three words Bella ever spoke to me, it would be enough.
The rapid squall of rain blew in off the convulsing ocean. She pulled back and simply laughed as both of us became drenched. Setting her down the water penetrated our clothing conforming to the lines and contours of our bodies. Her hair became heavy and plastered and still she laughed and frolicked neither of us anxious to be anywhere or do anything.
Eventually we made our way back to my house to immerse ourselves in warmer water and activities. In one week, Bella would be leaving for school to finish her last two years at a larger academic academy. Our futures weren't set but she was adamant in returning here to be with me.
My life would be empty without her continually around and I had planned my actions well. With the value of time and youth, I would spend the months working and preparing to step down and away from the pack. The week was up before we could even count the time.
"Come on, honey. We've been through this. I'll be waiting right here for you every time you come home for breaks. I'm not going anywhere." Standing outside of her house, I tried to placate her. Her truck was packed for school, had been for two days. Yet still she was hesitant to leave.
"It won't be the same, Jake, you know that." Her hesitancy hurt and when she dropped her gaze to stare at the ground, I hoped that maybe humor would work.
"No, it won't be exactly the same. But think of all the great 'I missed you' sex we'll be able to have." Purposely sounding blunt, I watched her eyes jerk back to mine as the emotions crossed her face.
"Jacob Black! Is that all you think about?" Bella was trying to sound insulted and insulting and I turned the tables on her.
"You know it's not, honey. I was simply reminding you of what you only think about." Her mock-outrage expression at my statement receded into one of calculated fun.
"Okay, you caught me. That is all I think about with you. I guess that means when I'm at school, I'll have to find some guy to share the rest of myself with. Someone to take long walks with, someone to watch movies and talk with. I should probably find someone to snugg.." Placing my hand over her teasing lips, I relaxed at the loving glimmer she fed me with her eyes, her checks tinging a soft blush.
"You know I can't stop you. But think how upset everyone will be when the school is shut down because of some huge, nightmarish wolf racing is around the campus." Her eyes, the mirror to my soul, enlarged as she weighed the possibilities of my sincerity before compromising.
"Alright, you win. You keep your furry butt here and I'll wait until I come home to snuggle only with you." Her words stated that this crisis had passed. She knew I would always be here and with the charade accepted the path needed for us. I hugged her tightly before finishing the text in between the lines of us.
"And my furry butt will anxiously be counting the time down until your incredibly sexy, gorgeous butt comes back to do just that."
Bella's voice faded with the memory and I was alone with only the clock to mock me of silent mental images. She left that August morning all smiles and nervous giggles. She had given me a chart of days and times when she would be in class, at the dorm or back at home. We had set up specific days and times to call each other with backups in case something unexpected came up. There wasn't anything in the world that would make me miss a call or a visit home from Bella but the chart made her happy. She needed it to rely on and wouldn't take that away from her.
When she came home that first winter break, she looked just as alive and happy as she had been before venturing off to school. She gave me a new chart with the days and times and I replaced the old one I had hanging in my room. I never threw any of them away. Instead they resided in a box of letters and pictures Bella always sent. I kept each letter in its original envelope, the postal mark an attestation to the tracking of time. The time it would take for us to be that much sooner in each others arms. Every time I opened the box, I could pull out each letter individually to relive and smile through her eyes.
We spent that whole vacation together as much as possible, each of us taking numerous pictures of the other, a tie for when we would be separated. There wasn't a trace of sadness, we both knew this was just an interim.
That Christmas, I struggled to find the perfect gift for Bella. Something that was worthy of her but also that she would accept without complaint or guilt. Neither of us had much money and despite us promising each other we wouldn't buy a gift for the other, we had both fibbed. In front of all of our family and friends, I proposed. Presenting her with a ring, someone had taken multiple pictures as her face went from confusion to shock to acceptance and to a final and near permanent expression of love.
I thought she would out me on our otherwise shaky truce of no gifts. Bella's wicked gleam of humor came into play when she presented me with her own gift to me. On numerous occasions, she had seen my wolf form. Like a favored plush toy she would curl against my side in the privacy of the woods. These were our times together, in the world we couldn't share to those outside of our secrets. She must have spent countless hours on her gift to me, it's meaning of expressed love for me alone. In a frame 24x36 inches in size, sat a perfect cut out of a black swan. Inside the body of the swan, hundreds of pictures depicting natural wolves that shared my coloring only. It was almost a photo-mosaic collage, each picture standing alone while also blending with the next to form the graceful lines of the swan.
The sounds of ticking started again and I looked up to glare at the clock only to realize the doctor had entered and was obnoxiously clicking his pen against Bella's tray.
"Hello." I greeted the professional. His lab coat was clean but his suit was wrinkled, the tie loosely knotted around his neck.
"Mr. Black, there is no more time. Either you sign the papers or we are left with no option." The doctor placed his pen back into a breast pocket, his stare to me unwavering. Why couldn't he see my dilemma? I had to make him understand.
"I will! I mean, I might. I just need a few more days. Four, five at the most and then I'll let you know." Nervously I waited for his compassion to my plight. He didn't even pause while condemning to the hands of time.
"You have less than two weeks, Mr. Black. After that, the decision will be set regardless of what you may or may not want." He left with the ticking of the clock, each footstep in accordance to the hand of seconds marking. The time was late and moving faster and I needed to attempt one last outreach to my soul. Leaning over the bed I whispered to her.
"Please, baby! Please wake up so I don't have to decide on my own. I need you to help me, us with this. Please don't make me decide alone. I love you." Kissing her with every promise I had within, I left to barter with the only thing I had to offer time: Myself.