Chapter 4: A Friend in Wolf's Clothing
Giles turned the key in the door of the Magic Box and held the door open for Dawn, Buffy, and Willow to enter. Buffy and Dawn swept right in and went over to the meeting table, but Willow hung back. She felt as though she had to face horrific memories in every place she went now that she was home. Entering Buffy's house had been hard, and even the thought of going back to her old bedroom still made her queasy. Now, back in the shop, she had vivid memories of battling Anya, Buffy, and Giles here. For a split second, she could see Giles collapsed on the floor under the rubble she had brought down onto him. She froze, closing her eyes tight and holding her breath. She counted to three, then opened her eyes again. The rubble was gone. The store was fine. Giles was walking up behind her, perfectly healthy and upright. He placed his hand at the small of her back, looking down at her face.
"Okay?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know," Willow admitted. She wasn't sure what else to say. Giles, the man she had nearly killed in this very store, was comforting her and looking after her. Her guilt slithered through her veins, urging her to turn around and leave. She had actually started to turn to face the door when none other than Alexander Harris walked in.
The relief and pure joy on Xander's face was evident. "Wil." He crossed the space between them in three huge strides and picked Willow up off the ground with his firm embrace. She could feel concern coming off of him, and it was no surprise. He had tried to call her every single day of her two-month stay in Bath, and every day she had chosen not to take the call. She couldn't face him, even over the phone.
But now here he was, hugging her as though he thought she might try to escape, and she hugged him back in earnest. She did her best to radiate love and appreciation, and Xander seemed to relax a little. After a minute, Willow mumbled into Xander's jacket, "This is how it ends. Swallowed up by Xander Harris' coat."
Xander released Willow and held his arms up as a show of harmlessness, laughing at himself. "Sorry Wil, I may have gotten a little carried away. That's what happens when I don't see my best friend for two months. Or talk to her." The last few words were pointed, with barely-concealed hurt behind them.
Willow opened her mouth to try to explain, but just then Giles clapped his hands together and said, a little too loudly, "Well, shall we get down to business?"
The gang gathered around the table at the shop and listened to Buffy's tale of her encounter with this new demon. The demon was a necromancer, one bent on raising the dead to wreak havoc all over Sunnydale. "Gotta love living on a Hellmouth," Dawn remarked snidely.
Throughout Buffy's summary, Giles couldn't seem to stop fidgeting. First, he had stood right behind Willow, but that felt too close, too awkward. Then he went over to the counter and tried leaning on it casually, which looked about as natural as a penguin learning to fly. He was unnecessarily far from the group and had to strain to listen to their conversation. Finally, he began pacing back and forth in front of the table.
"Giles." Buffy looked up at her Watcher with a quizzical expression, a note of knock-it-off in her voice.
"What? Oh, yes, sorry," Giles bumbled over the words. "So, this demon of yours could be any number of undesirables, but I can't be sure what kind it is until I've completed some research." He glanced over at Willow, hoping she would volunteer to join him in this task, but she was intently examining her shoes.
The bell at the front of the shop clanged and Giles glanced up to assess the potential customer. "Oz," he remarked, a mixture of surprise and confusion in his voice.
"Oz?" The barest note of panic was woven into Willow's question. Her eyes were wide with anxiety. She jumped out of her chair so energetically that it toppled over and landed on the floor with a clang.
Oz walked up to Giles and shook his hand, smiling a bit grimly. He turned the corner of the shelf and his eyes locked onto Willow. He made the slightest movement towards her, barely perceptible, but he restrained himself. Willow looked as though she were planning to run, though whether it was towards Oz or away from him was anybody's guess.
"Willow." He swallowed audibly, maintaining eye contact with his ex far past the point of discomfort. "I heard what happened, and I called, but by then you were already in England. Xander said you weren't taking his calls, so I figured you definitely wouldn't take mine. And besides, I didn't want to bother you. You had important stuff going on." Willow searched her mind for the right words to say. Trying to string a sentence together was like grasping at smoke. Eventually, the scrutiny of Oz's glance was too much for her and she cast her eyes down, feeling shame without really knowing why.
It was at this moment that Willow and Oz seemed to remember that there were other people in the room besides them. Oz ran a hand over his bushy red hair, exuding a wisp of embarrassment. Willow felt her cheeks go red and turned away from the group, hiding her face as best as she could.
Buffy stood up and affected a cheery tone. "Hey guys, we don't want to be late for that super important thing we're doing today!"
"Oh, yeah, that important thing," Xander agreed, as he put Dawn's bag on her shoulder for her.
"What –" Dawn began, only to be pushed out the door by both Buffy and Xander, both of whom cast a worried glance back at Willow before slipping out the door of the shop.
Oz breathed out a heavy sigh, then turned to Giles. "Hey, Giles," he began, "do you mind if I talk to Willow alone for a minute?"
Giles hesitated. He turned and moved very close to Oz, his voice perfectly even. "I've spent a lot of time helping Willow work through things," he said, a clear edge to his words. "I feel responsible for her. If anything were to upset her, or to undo the work that she has put into her recovery, I should be very displeased."
Oz's head tilted away from Giles just a fraction of an inch. He hadn't expected the "if you hurt her, I'll kill you" speech from Giles, but the ex-librarian sure seemed to mean it. Both Giles and Oz glanced over at Willow, who finally turned back around halfway and looked their way. She met Giles' eyes and gave him an encouraging nod, indicating that she would be okay. Giles returned the nod, locked eyes with Oz again, and then headed into the back room to organize the office.
For several seconds after Giles left the room, Oz and Willow stood rooted to the floor, waiting for the other to speak. Finally, Oz began. "Willow," Oz said as he took a hopeful step towards her. "Please tell me that it's okay to hug you."
"Oh Oz," Willow murmured, "of course."
Willow uncrossed her arms and welcomed the werewolf's embrace. After a moment, they relaxed into the hug and simply breathed in each other's scents. Willow still loved Oz, would always love Oz, but everything with him was tinged with sadness, including the way they held each other in the middle of the empty magic shop.
Oz pulled away just a little and looked into Willow's face. "Walk and talk?" he offered warmly.
"Walk and talk," Willow agreed, and she grabbed her stuff. "Giles! We're going for a walk!" She didn't hear a response, but they shrugged and walked out.
Giles heard them leave. He was in the training room, having walked straight past the office on his way off of the main shop floor. He had some unpleasant impulses to handle. So here he was, collared shirt discarded, beating the hell out of a punching bag. He moved lightly on his feet, his hands guarding his face as he bobbed around the bag. As he sparred with the imaginary foe, he talked to himself.
"Of course Oz would come back." Punch punch. "He and Willow were perfect together." Punch kick punch. "Their break-up was unfortunate" – kick punch – "but they both needed time and space to figure themselves out." Punch punch punch. "Now that they've had that, of course they will want to reconnect." Kick. "Maybe even get back together." Punch punch.
He dropped his arms and paced around the room. He knew he had no right to feel anything about this. It was ridiculous to feel jealous, especially of a 21-year-old boy. However, his anger at himself and disgust with his feelings wasn't stopping him from feeling this way. After a break, Giles put his guard up again and continued his assault on the punching bag.
Willow and Oz walked down the main drag in Sunnydale, chatting about their experiences over the last year or so. Oz had spent more time at that temple learning about his inner wolf and practicing meditation. He dropped in to play with a few bands along the way. He even had a girlfriend at one point, but it didn't work out. He was too nomadic and she was more like a groupie than a girlfriend.
Willow wasn't sure if Oz brought this girl up to make her jealous or to advertise that he was single, but either way she became uncomfortable and self-conscious. Did he come back here to try to rekindle their relationship? Was there anything to rekindle?
"Oz, don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to see you, honest…but why are you here? I went through some pretty horrible stuff while you were gone and I didn't hear from you once." Willow watched as Oz's eyes flashed with remorse.
"I know. I talked to Xander. He told me what happened, with the magic and Amy and Tara and Warren. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I don't know if me being here would have helped anything or not, but I could have at least kept in touch. I should have."
Willow nodded a little but said nothing.
"Originally, as I hitched a ride down here, I had this crazy idea that maybe you and I could try again." Oz's voice hung in the air and his brief pause drew out into a void. He struggled to continue. "But talking to you know, I think that might be impossible," Oz sighed.
Willow could practically feel Oz's words cut her, but she knew it was true. There was too much history with them, too much water under the bridge. She had broken his heart, and he had broken hers right back. They had both worked through the feelings of betrayal, but the trust they had once shared was too damaged to be the foundation of a new start for them.
Willow exhaled the breath she didn't realize she had been holding. "I know."
Oz took Willow's hand in his and squeezed it tightly. "I still love you. That's never going to change."
Willow accepted Oz's affectionate gesture. Through her peripheral vision, she caught a glimpse of their reflection in the plate glass of a secondhand clothing store, an image of what might have been.
"I love you, too. I don't plan on stopping." She paused, then continued. "But you're right. Too much has happened between us, and too much has happened in our lives since then." Willow squeezed Oz's hand and looked over at him. "But if you're willing to settle, I think we could still make pretty great friends." She smiled sadly.
Oz smiled back, his brow starting to unfurrow. "I think I could go for that."
An audible rumbling from Oz's stomach elicited stunned laughter from both of them.
"You know," Willow said, "we have a bunch of bacon left over at the house."
Oz leaned over and kissed Willow on the forehead. "God, it's like…you just get me."
They smiled genuinely at each other and crossed the street to head towards Buffy's house.
Willow leaned back on the couch, rubbing her full tummy as if there were a baby in there.
"I can't believe I ate so much. I had a huge breakfast this morning. Giles went pancake crazy and we didn't even try to stop him."
Oz crooked and eyebrow. "Giles was here this morning? Does everyone live here now?"
Willow laughed. "No, but he stayed here last night. He was worried about how I'd do my first night back. You saw how he was at the Magic Box. He's gotten kinda protective in the last few months." Willow learned forward towards the plate of bacon, then thought better of it and collapsed back onto the couch. "You'd think I would get protective of him, considering it was me who almost killed him two months ago." Willow's tone took a sad turn, and she didn't even bother concealing the self-loathing under her last sentence.
Oz turned to face Willow fully. He grabbed her hand and looked in her eyes. "Tell me," he encouraged.
Over the next hour, Willow explained what had happened with her and Tara, what Warren had done, what Willow had done in revenge. She had to stop a few times, her voice failing her when she admitted the ways that she had put her friends in danger and, eventually, directly harmed them. By the end of the story, she was hoarse from talking and crying.
Willow looked down. "Oh great," she said through sniffles, "now I have runny mascara on my shirt."
Oz offered a lopsided smile. "It looks good on you."
Willow stood up, wiping her face. "I'm going to go upstairs and change my shirt. I'll be down in just a second."
Willow climbed the stairs and almost went to the wrong bedroom before she remembered the switch. She felt a wave of nausea thinking about her old bedroom and what had happened there. She practiced her breathing, five seconds in, five seconds out.
In her new bedroom, she doffed her sullied shirt and pulled on a comfy sweater. Even though summer was still in full effect in Sunnydale, the day had clouded over and she was feeling a little chilly. She walked over to the window and glanced outside at the street. Kids were running around in a front yard just a few houses down, screaming with delight and chasing each other. They had no idea that just a few months earlier, they had nearly been blinked out of existence because of her. In fact, every person she would meet for the rest of her life would have been dead if Willow had had her way. She forced herself to turn off her mind and stared out the window, trying her best to think nothing at all.
"Willow?" Oz called from the top of the stairs.
Shaken out of her reverie, Willow replied, "Yeah, in here."
Oz walked down the hall and entered the room, immediately jerking his head to the side and failing to disguise a look of concern on his face. "What happened in here?"
Willow knitted her eyebrows together and cocked her head to the side. "What do you mean? Nothing happened in here. Tara…it happened in the other room." She gulped and forced herself to move past the image in her mind.
"No, no," Oz clarified, clearly agitated. "What happened here today?"
Willow's eyes went wide when she remembered her little act of self-love earlier that morning. Oz's sense of smell was hundreds of times more sensitive than a regular person's. Of course he could smell that she had been…excited.
"Well, I…" Willow stammered. She grew angry, angry at her embarrassment and angry with Oz for making her feel uncomfortable about something that was perfectly natural. "Nothing happened, Daniel Osbourne, and it's none of your business anyway." She stamped her foot petulantly and turned back to face the window. That'll show him.
"But…with Giles?" Oz didn't know whether to feel curious or jealous or shocked or horrified.
"What? No," Willow dismissed, looking back at Oz. "Giles was in this room today but nothing happened with him."
"I can smell him, Willow," Oz persisted, distress growing in his voice as he took a step towards her. "And he wasn't just in here sleeping or talking to you. He was…he did…something. He was very happy in here." Oz raised his eyebrows and looked at Willow, hoping to get his meaning across without having to spell it out further.
Willow's eyes grew and she turned to the window again. Her face was practically on fire, her skin as pink as a rose. Her words came out almost as a whisper. "Nothing happened, Oz. At least, nothing that I know about. And I'd rather not know about it."
There was a finality in her voice that made Oz stop talking, even though he felt compelled to continue the conversation. He smelled evidence of Willow's sexual arousal, a scent he was extremely familiar with, but he also smelled Giles, and not just the basic everyday smell you get from walking around. Giles had been in this room and had been aroused too, and within the last day. Oz didn't know if Willow was being truthful with him, but he had no reason to doubt her. She had always been honest with him, even when it killed her to do so.
"I believe you," he said. "It's okay, I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it anymore." Oz crossed the room to Willow and stood next to her at the window. After a few moments, Willow's agitation gave way to exhaustion. Today, much like yesterday, was shaping up to be one of the most tiring days of her life. She leaned her head onto Oz's shoulder. In response, he wrapped his arm around her waist and took some of her weight. She closed her eyes and just breathed.
Willow and Oz walked back to the Magic Box feeling a little worse for wear, but the fresh air had done them good nonetheless. They entered the store hand in hand, settling back into the feeling of being in each other's company. Giles, having returned to the counter after his impromptu kickboxing session, felt a wrenching sensation in his chest when he saw the pair walk in holding hands. He had tried to work through his emotions while they were gone. He told himself he was being ridiculous. He told himself he had no right to feel anything about Oz's return except goodwill. But no matter what he tried to convince himself of, he still felt a pang of possessive jealousy seeing the two of them so close to one another. He immediately removed his glasses and began wiping them on his shirt.
"Oh, good, you're back," Giles said in a voice that sounded unnaturally high and forced. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Now that you're here, I don't have to feel so bad leaving the counter unattended while I work in the back."
"No worries, Giles, we'll help anybody who comes in," Willow offered brightly, but by the time the words were out of her mouth, Giles was already out of earshot.
Willow crinkled her nose and squinted after Giles, as if she could figure out his problem just by looking really hard at the place he had been standing. Oz, not noticing anything odd, dumped his jacket on a chair and walked around the shop to check out the wares. "Woah, there's some wild stuff here. Do people really come here to get supplies for spells and charms?"
"Oh, yeah," Willow nodded as she hopped up to sit on the table, her coat discarded and left on top of Oz's. "Witches and other practitioners come in here all the time. It's a one-stop shop." She grinned, knowing full well that she sounded like a TV commercial.
"Do you get a discount?" Oz inquired as he completed his circuit and wandered back towards Willow.
"Giles usually lets me take stuff for free, especially if I offer to pay so he can feel very gentlemanly by refusing my money. Anya makes me pay, of course. Not a single cent off when she's working the register."
Oz smiled and moved closer to Willow. This conversation just felt comfortable, the way they used to talk before things got so complicated. He remembered the first time they spoke, after they both were pulled out of class and offered jobs at a fancy software company. He had been seeing her everywhere for weeks before that, but that was the first time he had learned her name. Something about Willow instantly enchanted him, and ignoring his feelings for her was never really an option. If someone were to ask him, Oz would say he didn't believe in love at first sight, but his attraction to Willow would have tested that belief.
Willow noticed Oz looking at her with a bemused expression. "Hey, you," she said, by way of calling him over to her. She reached forward and grabbed both his hands in hers, swinging them slightly in a cutesy way. "Penny for your thoughts?"
Oz smirked with his mouth but his eyes remained troubled. "I was thinking about when we first met."
"Oh yeah?"
Oz took a step closer to her, his hips almost touching her knees as she sat on the table. Despite being very clear on him and Willow just being friends, Oz had a split-second vision of leaning Willow back on that table and taking her right there. Complicated history or not, he couldn't deny that he was still attracted to her.
"It's hard –" he stumbled over his own words, pausing to regroup. "It's hard to be around you. I know I shouldn't want you, I know we're extremely, completely over, but then I look at you and I smell you and I feel the warmth of your skin…" He trailed off without finishing his sentence. He seemed to be looking anywhere but in Willow's eyes.
Willow's heart was racing. She knew what he meant. She didn't know if she could ever truly forgive Oz for cheating on her and leaving her, but sometimes she felt a jolt run through her reminding her what it felt like to be with him. He was the only guy she had ever slept with. And she remembered each time well.
Willow tried to control her breathing, but she was getting more worked up, not less. She looked at Oz at the same moment that he looked at her and their eyes met. Without a word or a moment of hesitation, Oz leaned in and kissed Willow, his hips parting her knees as he came in close to her. She kissed him back, feeling totally lost and confused. She felt as though her body was a balloon floating into the sky, and she had no control over its direction. She was untethered.
Oz put his hands on Willow's waist and slid her all the way to the edge of the table, right up against him, then slipped his hands underneath her shirt to undo her bra. Willow's breathing became a harsh rattle, and she lifted her arms over her head so that Oz could remove her shirt and bra in one deft motion. Her hands then went straight to his belt, working at the buckle with shaking fingers. Oz's tongue found Willow's and their kiss deepened, straining Willow's concentration. She gave up on the belt buckle, instead pulling Oz closer with one hand on his back and the other sliding up into his thick, unruly hair. Her breasts were mashed into Oz's chest, and he could feel how hard her nipples were even through the fabric of his t-shirt.
"Ow," Willow yipped, pulling away from Oz with her hand springing up to her mouth. Her lip had a little blood on it. She looked up at Oz and saw that he was starting to change. His teeth had become longer and more pointed. His eyes were a slightly different shape.
"Oz, your face," she said, a note of fear in her voice, just as Oz pointed to Willow and said, "Willow, your hair."
Willow pulled a lock of her hair to the front of her face and saw, to her horror, that it was slowly darkening to black, unevenly, like dappled shadows of autumn leaves. "Oh, no," she whispered, dread and despair evident in her shaking voice.
Oz brought his hands up to his face and felt his teeth. "Oh, shit," he whispered hoarsely. Oz backed up hastily as Willow jumped off the table and retreated just as quickly. Oz turned away from her and started chanting something in a language she didn't immediately recognize. Willow jammed her eyes shut and tried desperately to perform her breathing exercises. Her fear kept rising and rising, making it impossible for her to achieve the slow, even breaths necessary to calm down. She began to panic, tears running down her face, visions of death and destruction flashing before her eyes. This isn't happening. Not now. Not this. I don't want this. I don't want this.
Moments passed. Oz continued to chant, but his words were less frantic and more methodical. After another minute, he stopped and turned around. His features had reverted to their normal human state. He was not going to change into the wolf.
He looked over at Willow, his heart sick at seeing her so frightened. Cautiously, he approached her and put his hands on her upper arms. "Shh, Willow. It's okay. Everything's okay. I'm not going to change."
"No, I –" she choked out, "I can't, I don't know how, it's not working, it's not working, I can feel myself losing control, I won't be able to stop it and then I'll be dangerous, I'll hurt people, I'll hurt you." Her voice was practically a shriek as she panicked more and more.
"Willow," Oz said reassuringly, "you're not going to hurt me. You're not going to hurt anyone. Everything's okay. I'm sorry I let that happen, that was stupid. We got carried away but it's okay now, I promise."
Oz repeated his assurances over and over, shushing Willow and protectively pulling her close into his arms. Willow finally began to calm down, her breaths still coming in shuddering, stilted gasps. Once she had quieted, Oz released her from his arms and held her out at arms' length. "I'm so sorry, Willow. I should have known better. We both should have. We should have never let that happen."
Willow nodded, too miserable to say anything.
Oz grabbed Willow's coat from the back of a chair and wrapped it around her bare torso. "I have to leave," Oz said, his voice almost a whisper. "I think you understand why. If I stay, I don't know if we'll be safe with each other." He paused, waiting for her to respond, but she said nothing. She stared into the empty space over his right shoulder.
"I love you, Wil. I'm sorry." Oz picked up his jacket and glumly walked to the door of the shop. He turned back to cast one last regretful glace back at Willow, and in the next instant, he was gone.