Hello there :)
*resolutely keeps mouth shut about Doctor Who for fear of exploding with squees* Besides, I've lost my voice. At least that doesn't prevent me from typing.
SHERLOCK- Episode Two: The Blind Banker
(Part Two)
10. Sherlock is looking up some more stuffs about Mr Posh Name aka. Van Coon, with help from a secretary
SHERLOCK Diary?
SECRETARY Receipts?
SHERLOCK Close enough
John, meanwhile, is busy at Scotland Yard checking out the same things for the dead journalist. I have a feeling that Sherlock sent him on that job because he didn't want to risk another bitch fight with Not!Lestrade.
NOT!LESTRADE Sherlock Holmes is an arrogant sod
JOHN ... Well, that was mild
NOT!LESTRADE Diary.
JOHN There's no need to sound so wound up about it
NOT!LESTRADE I NEED COFFEE DAMMIT!
JOHN Ooookaaay
Why has Van Coon's secretary got horns on her shoulders? That's an (admittedly fairly restrained) Lady Gaga jacket if ever I saw one
SHERLOCK Van Coon bought you expensive handcream. Oh lookie, he got a taxi on the day he died mid-morning explain-explain-deduce-explain-etc.
SECRETARY Why are you telling me all this?
SHERLOCK You are my temporary stand-in skull/Watson/sounding board in order to get all the information across to the audience. Hm, he was delivering a package then stopped for lunch before heading back to the office
SECRETARY Wha-?
SHERLOCK LUNCHTIME!
11. May as well put a scene change in here, as this is where the next scene starts on my DVD, far too long after the last one thus making it difficult to keep track of where everything is when I start/stop writing
EVERYONE GET ON WITH IT!
Alright, alright, keep your hair on.
Luckily it seems every murder victim in London stops for lunch at the same spot, because following the diaries Sherlock and John coincidentally bump into each other
SHERLOCK Eddie Van Coon brought a package here the day he died
JOHN "Hi there" to you too
SHERLOCK Lots of deduction, me being awesome, as per usual
JOHN Excuse me, if you would stop talking at a hundred miles an hour and breathe for a change I think I have something important to say
SHERLOCK What the what?
JOHN That shop over there. It's in Lucas' diary *walks off*
SHERLOCK ... Oh.
The adorable petulant face is back. *fangirly "Yaaaay!" with jazz hands*
The pair find themselves in a shop called "The Lucky Cat" which is full of those creepy waving cat things. And is therefore creepy
WOMAN AT TILL Lucky cat?
JOHN No, just browsing
WOMAN AT TILL Why the heck does no one ever buy my lucky cats?
Probably because they are creepy.
WOMAN AT TILL Your wife will totally like it
JOHN Erm... Awkwardness... I'm gonna go look at these tea cups. They are less creepy *turns teacup over and notices symbols like the death-threat graffiti* It seems I have spoken too soon.
SHERLOCK I shall explain what it is... Outside. For no apparent reason. Other than to get out of that creepy shop before that woman piles more awkwardness on us by suggesting that either of us have wives, ha, what a notion!
JOHN Now probably wouldn't be a good time to mention the love interest GP then...
OBLIVIOUS!SHERLOCK *is oblivious* Its an ancient numbering system
And to prove his point all the symbols and numbers appear in the air around them. And the death threat numbers were "1" and "15". Oh, and the creepy photography lady just turned up again, but our protagonists have no time for that because they are going to discuss all this stuff over some lunch across the road from creepy lucky cat shop. And if my sister was reading this she would totally kill me for using so many connectives to start sentences.
SHERLOCK The victims were smugglers and they dropped off stuff at the creepy lucky cat shop!
JOHN That doesn't explain why they're dead
SHERLOCK One of them stole something! Wow, we're barely thirty minutes in and we've already worked out a motive. I AM TRUELY A GENIUS OF AWESOME!
JOHN Well, at least there is a motive, unlike that evil cabbie bloke.
And yet he was all the more creepy for lack of motive. Who says that all villains need a motive when they are far scarier without one? TAKE THAT ENGLISH TEACHER! And you wonder why everyone says that horror movie remakes suck.
And now we have a lingering close up of the Yellow Pages. At least now we know whose sponsorship helped pay for this.
SHERLOCK When was the last time that it rained?
JOHN What?
SHERLOCK *gets up and leaves restaurant*
JOHN Oh crap. Not again. I have a horrible feeling that this running off after a case leaving me to abandon a meal is going to become a running joke.
Luckily there is a reason for Sherlock's question. It turns out that the Yellow Pages has been there since Monday and not been picked up by whoever lives there and, of course, the person in question happens to be the Museum Tea Lady herself, Soo Lin.
EVERYONE WHO SAW THE WATERS OF MARS The water got her. Because she was dooooooomed.
SHERLOCK No one home. Windows open. I smell suspiciousness *breaks into flat*
JOHN *facepalm*
Aww, John is too short to jump up and grab the stairs up to the flat. I know how you feel, John. *sigh*
Meanwhile, inside the flat, Sherlock is busy accidentally causing property damage by knocking over a vase. However, because he is Sherlock Holmes and the master of awesome deduction, he can tell that someone else has broken in the same way and also knocked over the vase. And then he opens the washing machine and sniffs the clothes inside. As you do
JOHN Can you please let me in now?
Sherlock is too busy searching
SOUNDTRACK I is building the suspense
Someone's totally going to jump out at Sherlock aren't they?
JOHN Seriously. I'm having to yell through the letter box and people are staring at me like I'm crazy.
SHERLOCK The person who broke in before me is also totally the spider-man murderer we're looking for
JOHN Yeah, whatever. Damn you for being tall.
SHERLOCK ... Oh and he's still here.
SOUNDTRACK Mwahahahahahaetc.
SHERLOCK Is he behind this screen?
MURDERER Hell no! I will now strangle you!
SHERLOCK Oh damn *chokes* John! Help!
OBLIVIOUS!JOHN *is oblivious*I will now mock you. I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone because no one can compete with my massive intellect!
SHERLOCK *still choking*
JOHN I'm sure that won't come back to haunt me later or anything...
SHERLOCK *goes limp*
MURDERER Hm, I'm not entirely sure if he's dead but there's someone at the door so it'll do. *shoves something in Sherlock's pocket and scarpers*
SHERLOCK *coughs and splutters and attempts to regain his breath*
A MILLION FANGIRLS *flock to their computers to write hot erotic fanfiction in which Sherlock is strangled to within an inch of his life. Usually by John*
SHERLOCK And there is an origami flower in my pocket. So we have that.
And he finally goes and opens the door for John.
JOHN Took you long enough
SHERLOCK *hoarsely* Somebody left here in a hurry *choke* three days ago
JOHN What the heck happened to your voice?
SHERLOCK Nothing. I totally wasn't almost strangled to death by the murderer
JOHN You do realise I'm an army doctor and could help you with whatever damage your throat has gone through
Because it's either that or call Rory Pond, BAMF Centurion Nurse of BADASSARY!
SHERLOCK I am totally fine. Let's go find Soo Lin at the Museum/Library/Platform One/whatever the hell it is, I don't care, I'm in pain
12. Maybe he got some cough syrup or something because his voice is fine once they get there
And because the Geeky Cardigan Guy has a crush-bordering-on-stalkerness with Soo Lin, he is the best person to ask about where she could have got to, whilst Sherlock has a look at all the teapots and artefacts IN EPIC CLOSE UP, then Cardigan Guy takes them to the archive place.
SHERLOCK Not interested in archive or teapots. Much more interested in this statue with the death threat numbers painted all over it.
GEEKY MUSEUM GUY Wow. How did I not notice that before?
When they leave the museum it is suddenly inexplicably night. How odd. But that doesn't matter, what does is that they find Soo Lin... If she's still alive *cue dramatic chord* Unless they are distracted by the return of Not!Banksy.
NOT!BANKSY Found something you'll like
JOHN Does it involve owning up to being the one who deserves the ASBO?
SHERLOCK John, be quiet
JOHN Why does life hate me today?
Well, the unfortunate presence of Creepy Sunglasses Woman certainly isn't helping.
Now we come to a place filled with graffiti and chavs on skateboards and bicycles. I know where this is. It's just by the National Theatre. I know because when I went there to see Hamlet I spotted this place and recognised it and was all "OMG this place was in Sherlock!" and all the other English students stared at me like I was crazy... What are you looking at me like that for?
Not!Banksy shows Sherlock and John the yellow graffiti he's found
SHERLOCK Hooray!
JOHN It's kind of been painted over
SHERLOCK But it's the same kind of paint, right?
NOT!BANKSY *shrugs*
SHERLOCK See?
JOHN I don't think paint types are exclusive to just one person
SHERLOCK Plot convenience, John.
JOHN *facepalm*
SHERLOCK Let us look for more evidence... Somewhere completely different
But wherever this new place is it has magic floaty imagination ciphers floating around Sherlock as he walks, so we have that. There is also a lot of giggling in the background, so I assume there are students nearby. Sherlock quickly finds an empty can of yellow spray paint on the ground. You know, so far our murderer hasn't exactly been careful with his stuff. Then again, he wears gloves. And Sherlock had better be careful with that spray paint before a police officer turns up and makes stupid assumptions for the sake of a throwaway joke.
John is also searching, but elsewhere. They seem to have split up to search every graffiti hotspot in London, so it's probably very lucky that John finds what they are looking for quite quickly
JOHN What a conveniently sized wall for this message written out in the cipher. I mean, it completely covers the wall quite neatly. Also, I'm slightly freaked out by this. QUICK! I MUST FIND SHERLOCK... Wherever he is looking at all the graffiti in London!
Sherlock is a fail at answering his phone, apparently. Too busy staring at graffiti.
JOHN I found it
SHERLOCK Awesome, where is it?
JOHN It's on this wall...
WALL Ha! Got ya suckers!
Wow. The wall has been painted over in brick-wall colour, it seems. Must be on special offer.
JOHN What? I don't understand it was right here? Where is it?
Under the brick-wall coloured paint is my guess :)
SHERLOCK Somebody doesn't want me to see it. DANCE TIME!
JOHN GAH!
SHERLOCK You have to concentrate and try and remember
JOHN You holding onto my head and spinning me around for some reason isn't helping!
JOHN/SHERLOCK FANGIRLS We're not complaining *record sequence for later use in many icons and fanvids*
JOHN Gah! Again!
JOHN/SHERLOCK FANGIRLS Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
JOHN Teh squees hurt my ears! Anyway, if you'd let me talk for one second then I'd be able to show you the photograph that I took of the graffiti before I went and found you
SHERLOCK Huh? Oh, okay. Then why were you panicking just now? In fact, why bring me here at all instead of just showing me the picture?
JOHN Erm...
His phone has a good flash function.
13. Back at 221B
SHERLOCK I wonder if staring at all these photographs of the various ciphers for ages will help me to deduce whatever the heck they mean any easier?
JOHN Can I sleep now please?
SHERLOCK It's probably a message saying that the leader of the smuggler mob or whatever they are wants whatever was stolen returned.
JOHN I'm tired. I have a bad feeling about whatever is going to happen tomorrow as a result of my tiredness
So do I, John. So do I.
SHERLOCK Let's find Soo Lin!
JOHN Where the heck is she supposed to be?
SHERLOCK I don't know. To the museum!
Cardigan guy is working late today.
JOHN Someone's trying to kill Soo Lin
SHERLOCK Teapots!
JOHN o_O
GEEKY MUSUEM GUY Erm... She was sort of obsessed by them but I don't see how that's important
SHERLOCK Shiny!
The shininess is apparently due to Soo Lin breaking in at night to make them all shiny. Gee, Cardigan Guy was right when he said "obsessed". I mean, historical-cultural importance and everything but I think getting away from the crazy murderer sending you death threats is the more pressing issue. And can't anyone else at the museum make the tea so the teapots stay shiny?
SHERLOCK I am a slightly creepy shadow in the background
OBLIVIOUS!SOO LIN *is oblivious*
SHERLOCK Evening
SOO LIN Eeep! *accidentally knocks teapot over*
SHERLOCK *catches it* I am awesome.
SOO LIN You're scary!
SHERLOCK I am also tall. And wondering why the heck you are still here when there's a crazy graffiti spider-man murderer coming after you
SOO LIN I have a teapot obsession, don't I?
SHERLOCK As far as I can tell... Yup. Have you met this murderer guy before?
The slightly poignant pause tells us that something to do with dark family secrets are going to be revealed here. *sigh*
SOO LIN We met in China. I recognise his "signature"
You could have just left it at that, writer and it would have been all well and good but then you had to go and spoil it with a cliché.
SOO LIN Also, I have a tattoo of a lotus on my foot
THE INTERNET *rages about how tattoos on the bottom of feet don't work*
*headdesk*
SHERLOCK I know all about the ancient Chinese crime syndicate that has that tattoo because I'm awesome and its convenient to the plot and I had that origami lotus stuck in my pocket after I was strangled like the one in Van Coon's mouth after he was murdered and for some reason I didn't think to mention this before because, I don't know, plot convenience?
JOHN And Soo Lin is a smuggler too?
SOO LIN Well, I was. And I was an orphan and stuff and it's all very sad and I started working for the Black Lotus as a teenager but I don't do that any more and now I work in a museum/evil-future-library and it's all good
So why is the murderer after her? If she stopped smuggling for the Black Lotus five years ago then why bother sending her the death threat. She obviously didn't steal the thing what was stolen. Either that or the Black Lotus have been really dim and only just realised it's gone missing after five freaking years.
SOO LIN I refused to help the murderer help find the stolen thing because I don't know where the heck it is so now they've death-threated me. For some reason. I have no idea why.
JOHN Did you know him well then?
Oh sheesh, John, don't tempt fate.
SOO LIN Yes. He's my brother
Mr. Writer-of-this-episode. I have a question.
Why?
I mean, what's the point. Except plot-twist-for-the-sake-of-a-plot-twist. That doesn't go anywhere. And thus doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. What's the point? They don't have to be related! It's enough that they just knew each other as teenage smugglers and she was all "I don't wanna do this any more, I'm off to England" and he was all "suit yourself. I'm gonna be spider-man and kill people." THE RELATIVE THING WAS NOT IN ANYWAY NECESSARY EXCEPT TO HAVE A DRAMATIC SORT OF MOMENT!
I apologise for the rant but this sort of writing really gets on my nerves.
Also, scenes like this are kind of difficult to make funny. Except in terms of how melodramatic they are.
Also, they've overlaid a random shot of someone with very neatly manicured nails making an origami lotus. For some reason
SHERLOCK Okay. Sob story over. Now to the important stuff. Can you decipher this code for us?
SOO LIN These are numbers
SHERLOCK Yes, we know that bit. What does the message say?
SOO LIN Its based on a book...
LIGHTS DRAMATICALLY INCONVIENT TIME TO GO OUT! MWAHAHAHA!
I do love it when the murderer is obviously listening in on the conversation so he knows when exactly to turn the lights off so the big important secret is not revealed. Also, Soo Lin, you can still talk even though the lights are out. Tell them what bloody book the code is based on!
SHERLOCK Yeah, but if we did that we wouldn't have forty minutes left to fill. I'm gonna go run after the murderer now
JOHN Dammit! He's going to get into trouble again and I'll have to be badass and save him again. You go hide in a room under a table or something, Soo Lin and I'll run off after him
Well, at least this murderer actually has a real gun and is shooting at people. And missing. Lucky for our protagonists. Not so great for villain marksmanship reputation.
SHERLOCK Please don't shoot the ancient skulls! Who else am I supposed to wax lyrical to?
MURDRER *gone*
SHERLOCK Oh crap, he's found Soo Lin, hasn't he?
MURDERER Yup
SOO LIN Hi there brother. I'm totally gonna guilt trip you whislt you appear spookily behind me in the shadows and it'll be really poignant and stuff and then we can totally have a sibling reunion moment before y-
MURDERER Gun
JOHN Oh crap
SOO LIN *is ded*
CINAMATOGRAPHY i is poignant, yes?
Yes. Yes you are. Its about as subtle as being whacked on the head with a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.
We'll be back very soon (heh... heh) with the next part of The Blind Banker amusing review. In the meantime... have fun and remember not to fall off tall buildings.