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***Warnings***:Self-Punishment/harm, mentions of past abuse, an accident

Chapter IV: I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Aqua wakes up the next morning to an unexpectedly cold and damp sensation. It's a completely foreign sensation to her—she's never wet the bed a day in her life, not even as a child. However, the sharp odor of ammonia tells her that the liquid covering her sheets most certainly isn't sweat, so what…

Ven.

Oh.

Right.

Aqua is a little grossed out, but it's nothing she's dealt with worse, and, in all honesty, she's more worried about what this is going to do to Ven's self-image, precarious as it is already. Her stomach ties itself in an uneasy knot, one that only tightens when she realizes that Ven is no longer in the bed with her.

"Ven?" She calls out, her throat dry, voice thick and raspy from sleeping.

There's no answer, and her brain tells her that he's probably in the shower—that'd be the sensible thing to do after an accident like this…

Aqua makes herself get up and strip the bed, changing into dry, clean clothes, and throwing her soiled pajamas into the pile with the sheets. She pads down the hall, past the closed bathroom door, where the sound of the shower puts her mind a little more at ease. She pads through the kitchen to the laundry room, silently grateful that the kitchen is empty—the bundle of wet sheets and pajamas in her arms would definitely make for an awkward conversation.

After the sheets are in the washer, she pads back toward her room to assess the damage to her mattress and put new sheets on her bed, only to freeze when Terra comes out of the bathroom.

If Terra was in the bathroom, then where's Ven? She wonders.

"Terra, have you seen Ven this morning at all?"

"No…I thought he was with you…" Terra's face reflects her own uneasiness, and the nauseous churn in the pit of her stomach returns.

"He, well…he had a little bit of an accident, and I don't know where he is. I walked by earlier and thought he was in the shower, but…"

Terra nods. "I'll go ask the master if he's seen Ven, he's usually the first one up anyway."

Aqua follows behind him, sick with dread, beside herself with worry, and frustrated and angry with herself that she doesn't know him well enough yet to know where he might go to hide.

"Master, have you seen Ven at all this morning?" Terra says, without preamble as they walk into Master Eraqus' office.

"I have. He asked me to borrow a stopwatch, he said that he needed it for some morning exercises. I asked him if he felt well enough to be exerting himself after what happened yesterday, and he said that he felt fine. Is something the matter?"

"We were just worried that we couldn't find him, that's all. After what happened yesterday, I don't really like the idea of him being alone." Aqua answers.

"I'm sure he's fine. I can understand why you'd be worried, given what Terra told me last night; Ventus' disposition was considerably more cheerful this morning. However, if you want to check on him, he said he'd be at the lake for twenty minutes or so before he came inside for breakfast…" Eraqus tells them, (Or, more accurately, he tells Terra, because Aqua is sprinting from the room as soon as the word 'lake' passes his lips.)

Aqua is outside before she realizes it, tearing down the well-beaten path through the forest to the lake at the base of the mountain. It's a popular spot for swimming in the warmer months, but it's starting to cool off, and her breath rises in front of her in puffs of fog as she hurtles through the trees.

She slides to a halt on the shore of the lake, shoes slipping and spraying muck everywhere, and she almost tumbles headlong into the water in her frantic search for Ven.

"Ven? Ven!" She screams herself hoarse on the second try, desperate for something, anything, as a response. She wades out into the water, peering into the murky depths, unable to see anything because of the dirt in the water.

"Ven!" She shouts again, his name scraping her throat raw.

Terra comes up behind her, breathing heavily. "Anything?"

Aqua shakes her head, her voice comes out strained and anxious. "No,"

Ven surfaces with a gasp a few feet away, clutching a beeping stopwatch in his hand. He's coughing and choking and spitting out water.

"Ven! Thank goodness!" Aqua is very nearly crying with relief. She rushes forward to help Ven as he wheezes, but she stops cold when Venus glares at her.

"Don't touch me." he snaps. His gaze is piercing, his eyes as empty and lifeless as when he arrived. It gives her chills, and her teeth worry her bottom lip as she deliberates, unsure of whether to be afraid for him or of him.

"Hey, now," Aqua begins. "Calm down. I'm just trying to help."

"What do you want?" Ven snaps, fiddling with the stopwatch for a moment before moving further out and beginning to tread water.

Terra holds out a hand toward Ven, his movements calm and slow.

In that moment, Aqua envies him; the calm, cool, and collected demeanor he has doesn't waver in the slightest, and she wishes that she had the same control over her own emotions.

"Easy, Ven," Terra says, and his voice is gentle, but firm; his tone makes it implicitly clear that he won't tolerate an argument. "We just wanted to make sure you were alright. You scared us. Aqua especially. You can't just go running off like that. It's dangerous, you could get hurt."

Ven snorts derisively, his lips peeling away from his teeth. "Well, I'm fine, obviously." He's panting with the exertion of keeping himself afloat, but that doesn't stop his teeth from chattering in between words.

Terra bristles, and Aqua puts a hand on his arm.

"I would watch my tone if I were you." Terra's voice is a little sterner, and he folds his arms over his chest in a way that clearly reads: I'm running out of patience.

Ven moves closer to where he can touch the bottom of the lake, and mirrors him perfectly, right down to the scowl on his face. If it wasn't for the tension between the two of them, Ven's near-perfect imitation of Terra would be cute.

"You can't tell me what to do! I'm not a baby." Ven shoots back defiantly. He keeps a stiff upper lip, trying—and failing—to suppress a shiver.

The irony in his statement isn't lost on either of the two older apprentices, but neither of them comment on it; that would be crossing a line that both of them refuse to touch.

Terra sighs and shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

"Ven." Aqua begins softly, gently, like she's afraid that if she's too harsh, he might break. "Calm down. I'm not angry about this morning, I promise. Really, I'm not. You're not in trouble or anything, accidents happen, it's okay. Just…please come out of the water; it's too cold for swimming—you're going to get sick."

"Can I finish first?" Ven's tone softens, his eyes lose some of their steel, and he unfolds his arms.

"Finish what? Ven, what are you talking about?" Aqua wonders, and her heart drops into her stomach when Ven's eyes glaze over.

"This is…this is what I'm supposed to do. Whenever…" Ven shivers and clams up.

Aqua feels sick again when she realizes what he's not saying. This must have been a punishment of some kind…And that means…

"Oh, sweetheart…" She reaches out to him, using every last shred of willpower she has not to rush to him and pull him into her arms and just hold him. But she knows she can't and the knowledge kills her. She has to let him make the first move.

"Ven, come on out." Terra says. "I'm not mad either. I was just worried about you; I didn't mean to snap like that."

"It's fine." Ven says acidly, swiping angrily his eyes with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry I yelled." He continues after a moment in a more even tone. "Am I in trouble?"

"No," Terra says quickly. "It's okay. I know you've had a rough time. We all have bad days." His tone is dismissive, and he smiles at Ven, waving off his previous attitude. "Well," he continues. "I'm starving, and I'm sure everyone else is hungry too. Why don't we go inside and get cleaned up, and I'll make us breakfast?"

Aqua smiles at Terra, grateful for the distraction. "That sounds wonderful."

"Yeah!" Ven agrees, grinning, all traces of his previous mood gone.

Aqua holds out a hand to Ven as he wades closer, and feels a surge of relief when his small fingers twine with hers. She pulls him into a hug, hoping to at least warm him up a little with her body heat; his lips are an unsettling bluish color, and his shivering appears to have gotten worse.

"Ven, honey, where are your clothes?" Aqua asks him gently, realizing as the trio heads back toward the path that leads back to the training grounds, that there are no clothes hanging from any of the tree branches on the shore. Or towels, for that matter?

Ven shrugs. "Inside…"

Aqua shakes her head, "I wish you would've at least brought a towel; I don't want you getting sick."

" 'M fine." Ven replies, shivering again.

"I know. I just worry about you, that's all."

The walk back to the castle continues in silence until the trio reaches the doors. Ven pauses for a moment, his face pale.

"Aqua?" Ven calls out tentatively.

"What is it, sweetheart?" Aqua's voice is gentle, concerned.

"I'm gonna go change and start breakfast." Terra interjects, and disappears into the castle.

"I…I'm really sorry I yelled at you. And I'm really, really sorry about your bed. I didn't do it on purpose, honest!" Ven sniffles, his bottom lip trembling. "You're not gonna….Send me away are you? I don't mean to be a burden."

Aqua kneels down in front of Ven and pulls him close, stroking his hair in what she hopes is a comforting manner. "Shh. I would never send you away, baby. Never. And you absolutely are not a burden. It's okay, Ven. I get upset too, sometimes, no big deal. And, I'm really not mad about the bed. It's not your fault. You don't have to be sorry."

Ven stiffens against her, his muscles rigid, and his hands clutch at Aqua's shirt.

"Ven? You okay?"

Ven shakes his head, tears suddenly dripping off his chin.

"What's wrong?" Aqua wipes away his tears, tenderly and waits for him to answer.

"I remembered something…" Ven says. "About before. That's why I went down to the lake…The man I was with…I don't remember his name, but…I wet the bed a lot when I was with him, and he—l" Ven trembles, choking back a sob. "He said that if I liked being wet so much, then I could stay in the water while he cleaned up after me. He threw me into a lake, and he told me that I had to hold my breath for three minutes, tread water for fifteen, and then hold my breath again for another two…That's what I was doing down at the lake." He confesses. "And then, after that, he strapped me to a chair, tipped it over backwards and poured water on my face. I had a rag in my mouth, and...I thought I was drowning."

"Oh, baby," Aqua swallows past the lump in her throat, but can't speak anymore, not without crying. She crushes Ven to her instead, hoping that her closeness will help to calm his nerves.

"I thought I was gonna die." Ven says, so quietly, that she can barely hear him.

"I can't imagine how scary that must've been for you. It scares me just listening to you talk about it. But you're safe here, Ven. I promise you. I will protect you with my life if I have to, and I'm sure that Terra and the Master would do the same."

"Why?" Ven wonders, his tone turning bitter. "Why go to all this trouble for me? I'm nobody. I'm not important. All I do is get in the way and cause trouble."

"Ven," Aqua begins, but Ven pulls away from her, turning away, fists clenched at his sides

"I was the cause of all the trouble this morning!" Ven is very nearly shouting, his eyes red and puffy, moisture welling up. The dark circles under his eyes You can't deny that. Tell me, Aqua. what do you see when you look at me?"

Aqua takes Ven's face between her palms, wipes his tears away with her thumbs and rests her forehead on his as she looks at him. "I see a very scared little boy who has had a lot of very, very bad things done to him. And I think that that little boy forgets that he has a family now, one that loves him, very, very much."

Ven sniffles, but he doesn't pull away.

"And you're not a troublemaker, Ven. I know you didn't mean to scare us, but Terra and I worry about you because we love you…" Aqua sighs; this next bit needs to be handled very delicately. "I want you to listen to me, sweetheart, okay?"

Ven nods.

"What you did today was extremely dangerous. You could have drowned. Terra and I had no idea where you were, and then when we did find you, it seemed to me like you almost did. I know that you were only doing what you thought you were supposed to, but that was very unsafe. I love you very much, Ven, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you're safe. So…For now…I don't want you to go outside by yourself, okay? I'm not punishing you, I just want you to be safe, and right now, I don't know if I can trust you to do that all by yourself."

Ven nods slowly. "Okay. I understand." He bites the tip of his thumb, clearly overwhelmed.

"Good." Aqua says, relieved that he's taking it so well. She leans forward to kiss his forehead. "Are you ready to go get cleaned up little one? You smell like lake water." She tells him, wrinkling her nose.

"Yeth," Ven affirms, without taking his thumb out of his mouth.

"Let's go, then. Breakfast should be ready by the time we're done." Aqua takes Ven's hand pausing when he doesn't move with her.

"Mommy?" Ven's voice is different, an octave or so higher, and there's a disjointed cadence to his words that lets Aqua know that she's dealing with the younger part of Ven's personality.

"Yes, love?"

"Big Ven is really worried that you're mad at him…" Ven pauses. "And he's mad at me for telling you. But you make me feel better when I feel icky, so I think you can help Big Ven too. You give really good hugs and kisses, and that makes me feel happy…maybe they will help Big Ven, just like they help me?"

Aqua lifts Ven into her arms, knowing he won't resist her now. "Maybe." She says. "I really hope so."

Thoughts? Anybody?

Yes, the chapter title is after an MCR song. I thought it was fitting.

Okay, so I'm starting to feel like Aqua is being a little repetitive, here, but there's a reason for it. Little Ven is somewhere around three, and, as anyone who has experience with kids knows, it takes a while to explain complex ideas, and you use a lot of the same words over again to get the point across.

We got to see a little bit of what goes on inside Ven's head, and Terra and Aqua are realizing the need for boundaries.

Any suggestions on how I can improve would be appreciated, I feel like I'm not doing a very good job with this to be honest…Let me know what you think!

See you next chapter!

~Script