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My darling, you have always been loved. But, when I found out I as pregnant with you, my entire world view shifted. I was in a state of shock, numb to the world around me. I walked through the next few days in a daze. Vere and Ad chaperoned me to and from the doctors, the pharmacist and then back to the doctor to get medical certificates for my missed classes. I felt like I had been wrapped in cotton wool, everything was fuzzy and not quite in focus. Everything sounded distant, and slightly off kilter.
In that week, the only time I had felt anything but numb was when the doctor was discussing my options with me. Not that options is really the right way to describe the conversation we had.
I had been fairly passive for the appointment, and the doctor had taken it to mean that I didn't want the baby. After the exam, she had tried to give me information packets of abortion and adoption. She gave me very little information about keeping it, merely prescribing me some vitamins and booking an appointment for me with an obstetrician.
She had explained that I was about ten weeks along, so I could no longer have a medical abortion. Instead, I could have a suction abortion until fifteen weeks, and a surgical abortion until eighteen weeks.
I had lost it then. Standing up, I threw the papers at her, yelling that there was no way I was having an abortion, no way that I could do that. What did she think I was?
I started firing obscenities at her, alternating between English and the few French swear words I had learnt. I saw her take a step backwards, and felt Vere's arm on mine, pulling me out the door. Ad was apologising, trying desperately to make up for my outburst.
After the doctors appointment, I had reverted to my safe state of numbness. I didn't realise until much later that the second doctor I saw was a different person to the first, was my gynecologist and obstetrician. I took the pills when Ad or Veretold me to, mechanically moving through my days. I continued to cook for them, but refused to deal with any meat. Vere didn't mind this turn of events, but I think Ad missed the meat.
Seven days after Vere found me sobbing on the bathroom floor, I finally snapped out of my haze. I still can't tell you what triggered it, but suddenly, I decided that I needed to start actually dealing with the situation. To be actively involved in the pregnancy, not just existing on autopilot.
Both Vere and Ad seemed extremely relieved to see me acting normally again. I was relieved that my morning sickness - I had finally realised that the bouts of nausea were morning sickness - seemed to have passed. Which made sense, I was eleven weeks pregnant, almost through the first trimester. I was relieved that I wasn't showing yet, wanting to get some practical things completed before I started to tell people.
With Ad and Vere accompanying me for moral support, I talked to my college advisor, Kate. The university I was on exchange with aligned all of its students with one of the seven undergraduate colleges, or the postgraduate college. Mine was one of the smaller colleges, and I had met my college advisor once before, in the first week of term. She had seemed nice at the time, but I felt intimidated and scared to meet with her and tell her about my situation.
Our meeting went well, and she had left me feeling positive about my decision. We had talked through my due date and my class requirements, along with my academic and housing issues. The university in England worked on a trimester system, with two teaching terms and one exam term. I was due about half way through the exam term, but didn't want to have to sit any exams for fear of going into early labour. Knowing that exchange students unable to attend the exam term were able to write additional essays instead, I asked Kate if it would be possible for me to do that with all my classes. She said that while she would have to check with my teachers, this didn't seem like it would present a problem. There was a precedent after all. She suggested that we set a tentative final due date for all my assessment six weeks before the you were due.
Accommodation was a different issue. I had already paid for my dorm room until the end of the exam term, but was unsure that I would be able to stay there after giving birth. I was in a standard residence, not in one designed for families. Kate had written some notes, saying that she would get back to me. She needed to check the specific regulations, and get in touch with the residence officer for my college. But, even if I was unable to stay in residences for the exam term, she was pretty sure that my payment would be refunded, due to 'special circumstances.' Reassured that I would be able to complete my academic year without jeopardising my visa, I treated Ad and Vere to a meal out, to thank them for their support and help. I knew that I would never have been able to do this without them.
Ravenously, I began reading everything I could about pregnancy. I had been unawares for almost the entire first trimester, so I felt unprepared, unsure of how to proceed. I felt so young, and I guess I was, pregnant at seventeen. The only thing I was sure of was that I was going to get bigger, some time soon. I hoped that I would show really late in the pregnancy, but knew that there was no guarantee of this.
Feeling more proactive about the pregnancy, I slightly altered my morning routine. Now, instead of the baby oil I usually rubbed into the skin on my stomach and breasts, I used BioOil, hoping it would prevent massive stretch marks. I also started to pay far more attention to what I was eating, trying to ensure that I was getting enough nutrients to feed my baby.
You.
It was still strange for me to say, and I had no idea how I was going to tell anyone at home. I was scared of my parents disapproval, of my friends reactions. My parents were strict Catholics, believing in no sex before marriage and no abortions. I was pretty sure that having an abortion was a worse sin in their eyes that the loss of my virginity, but it was a close call. They didn't know about any of the guys I had slept with, or even any of the guys I had dated. My father had once threatened to disown me if he ever found a boy in my room. I didn't know how serious he was about that, but figured that falling pregnant was worse than having a boy in my bedroom. I knew that I should tell my parents, but I kept putting the conversation off, telling myself I would ring them the next day, or the one after that.
Because I had realised my pregnancy so late in the first trimester, the original doctor had scheduled me the first available ultrasound appointment, in the middle of what she assured me was the twelfth week of my pregnancy. I went, apprehensive of what I would find, scared that the pregnancy wasn't developing properly and would have to be aborted.
My fears were baseless however. I went, once again with Vere and Ad in tow, and the ultrasound showed a normally developing baby. The ob-gyn I had been referred to, Dr Masen ("But call me Liz, dear") was the motherly type, and I warmed to her immediately. Or, she was the film mother type. Warm and cuddly, caring and beautiful. So different from my actual mother. Dr Liz performed a nuchal translucency scan, which showed almost no likelihood of Down Syndrome. While she recommended I also have a diagnostic test, it was not compulsory. I decided that I didn't want to risk the one percent change I had of miscarriage from the diagnostic tests, so didn't have a CVS or amniocentesis test.
My eighteenth birthday was a strange occasion. Usually the first time that I could legally drink (the drinking age in both Australia and the UK is eighteen), I couldn't drink because of being pregnant. I've never been big on celebrating birthdays, and would have happily missed this one as well. But, Vere and Ad decided that I couldn't miss it, that I was going to celebrate.
Somehow, they managed to organise a surprise party for me, with my friends from the orchestra and my classes. I still don't know how they did it, but it was really fun. I hadn't told anyone about my pregnancy yet, so Ad and Vere kindly provided me with 'replacement' drinks, so it looked like I was being the good little eighteen-year-old, without hurting you. I made sure to drink slowly, so that I wouldn't have to go through the charade of being drunk. That was just going too far.
All the gifts I got were thoughtful, and sincere, and small enough to take home. My parents, as usual, sent me a nice, religious, Catholic gift. Or, more correctly, what they thought was a nice religious, Catholic gift. I didn't believe then, any more than I do now. For my eighteenth, it was a pair of gold and garnet cross earrings. Beautiful, but not something I would ever wear. And, of course, not that I even wear gold. At least for my eighteenth, I didn't have to act surprised and happy with whatever religious thing they gave me. I still have the earrings somewhere. I've never worn them, but I feel oddly sentimental about them. They were the last birthday gift my parents ever gave me.
As Christmas approached, I started to worry about what I would be doing. My parents had decided to spend the summer doing missionary work, thus leaving me to my own devices for the holiday. Sensing my apprehension, Vere had enquired about what was on my mind. As I explained to her, I cursed the pregnancy hormones screwing with my emotions. The simple action of talking about Christmas, and not having anyone to spend it with, made me burst into tears. Again.
Smiling, Vere invited me to join in on her plans. Her brothers would be across from Canada, and they were planning to do a bit of travel, and meet up with family friends in Paris and Madrid. With her offer, my emotions once more flipped, and I found myself smiling at her, happy and at ease.
While the airlines we were using allowed pregnant women to travel up to thirty five weeks, I made an appointment for one week before we were due to fly, just to check that everything was going okay. Knowing how young I was, Dr Liz had tried to find out as much of my history as possible. When I went in, Dr Liz smiled at me, having heard the full situation including about your father, and my parents religious beliefs.
"You're lucky to have such dear friends, Lilly. Those two are really standing behind you. Don't forget that. They will support you no matter what, I think. And, you are fine to fly. This is my emergency medical mobile number, so if you have any problems or concerned while you are in Spain or France please call me." She handed me a piece of paper with a neatly written phone number on it. Smiling, I left her office, glad to have found such a supportive doctor. She made me almost feel like I could do this, that I could be a single mum.
When I returned to my dorm, I found a note taped to my door. Opening it, I read with growing excitement. Smiling widely, I raced down the hall to Ad's room, knocking on his door and dragging him after me to Vere's room. Barging through her open door and shutting it behind me, I handed her the note.
"I can stay! Kate has worked it all out for us! Eeep!" I couldn't help but bounce slightly in excitement. Until I received Kate's note, I hadn't realised just how much the worry about accommodation had been weighing on my shoulders.
"We know, Kate came and talked to us while you were out. She wanted to talk to you in person, but was leaving for her holidays this afternoon, and we weren't sure when you would be back from your appointment with Liz." Smiling, she pulled me into a hug. "There were going to be two empty rooms on this floor for the rest of the year, and Kate has organised it so that they not only stay empty, but act as a buffer. Cos you are already right at the end of the corridor, you don't have to move, but Ad and I will have to move rooms, and so do the people next to you, but it means that we will have the rooms next to each other, and when the baby is born, you can bring it home here. You can't stay any longer than the end of exam term, but the little one should be a month old by then and able to fly, all things going well."
"And if things don't go well, then you can just come home with me until you are able to fly or whatever," Ad interjected.
Smiling at my two friends, I pulled them both into a hug. "Today is totally a great day. I can fly, and I have somewhere to bring my baby home to! Lets go celebrate, who feels like some decadent cake and milkshakes at A Slice of Heaven?" Nodding, both my friends followed me to the cafe, and we sat idly chatting about random, insignificant stuff while we ate and drank.
When the term came to an end, Ad and Vere eagerly packed up their stuff and moved into the newly vacated rooms next to mine. I fell a little in love with Kate over that week. Not only had she arranged so that I could stay on campus when my baby was born, but she had arranged access to the two empty rooms for us. She said that we were allowed to move any of the furniture, so long as it was returned at the end of the year.
Knowing that sleep was going to be a problem for me over the coming months, I took advantage of the extra furniture, and moved my desk out of my room, into one of the spare rooms, and moved an armchair and extra bed in. The two single bed frames meant that I had a much bigger area to sleep on. I invested in some King sized bedding, and including a mattress overlay to hide the join in the mattresses.
Three days after the end of term, Vere and I flew to Paris where we met up with her brothers and family friends. We spent a week there, exploring and being tourists, before catching a sleeper train to Madrid. Vere, Lancelot, Arthur and I filled an entire cabin, making me less nervous about sleeping on the train. We spent another week in Madrid, before flying to Edinburgh for New Year's Eve. Ad was meeting us there, and together we were planning to celebrate Hogmanay. We had found a great little B&B, and the owners were so helpful, giving us advice on what to see, where to go, what to eat and when to do it all. Despite knowing that I had to be back at uni by the fourth for an ultrasound, I had a wonderful time over Christmas, not missing my parents once. Actually, I didn't ever miss my parents while I was away that year. I was more expecting to miss some of the Christmas traditions, the Christmas eve dinner and things like that than I was expecting to miss my parents themselves.
As we parted company with Vere's brothers, and headed back to campus, I felt a pang of guilt. We had parted armed with each other's contact information, were facebook friends, had phone numbers and email addresses, last names. Why could I not have done the same thing with Jasper? I wondered.
In the fortnight between arriving back on campus, and school starting, Vere, Ad and I slipped into a routine. I was craving bacon and maple syrup, pancakes and french toast. Each morning, I would wake up and prepare a huge hot breakfast, waking them up with hot coffee (which smelt amazing, but I had to avoid caffeine) and the breakfasts. We would move off to do our separate things during the days, which for me was furiously writing essays, completing the first term subjects. In the evenings, we would congregate in my room, watching movies or just sitting and talking crap.
As well as my schoolwork, I was busy writing lists of everything I needed for you, everything I needed to do. One list still only had a single item on it. Tell my parents. I didn't know why I was still putting it off, but I was. Vere had asked me about it, but I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone and make that call. I was terrified of my parents reaction, but I kept telling myself it was simply that they were still off doing their missionary work. My reactions and fear was justified, in the end.
When the second term started in the middle of January, I still hadn't started showing. I was about twenty weeks along, and I simply looked like I had gained a few kilos over winter. Then, almost overnight, in the second week of term I had a noticeable baby bump. My jeans still fit, but I wasn't sure how long for.
In each of the classes I was taking that term, I had discussed with the teacher about an alternate assessment plan. Most of these involved writing an extra essay, although one of them required me to run a seminar later in the term. I was dreading that, but at the same time oddly exhilarated. The class was small, eight people plus the teacher, and they all seemed friendly. This term, I only had one class that gave straight lectures. I made sure to sit at the back of the lecture theatre, knowing that at some point soon I would be needing to go to the bathroom constantly. That class was also the only one where I didn't explain my situation. All my other classes were fifteen people or less, and I explained that I needed a seat by the door because I was pregnant and needed to go to the toilet all the time. My classmates were accepting of this, and I was glad not to be judged. Now that I was showing, it was almost easier to tell people. I looked the part, so it was more believable than before.
Between attending my classes and doing my school work, doctors appointments, as well as the Bradley method classes I was attending at the local hospital, I was constantly busy. Ad and Vere were both attending the Bradley classes with me, and were both going to be present at the birth, and to help me afterwards. In the evenings, Vere, Ad and I continued to have movie nights, catching up on the days events.
They felt like my family, more than my blood relations ever had.
As I continued to grow, I found it was taking me longer and longer to get anything physical done. Near the end of February, we had a week off classes - a study break. Instead of studying, I used it as a shopping break. I had decided that before I got huge and couldn't face the stores and couldn't fit behind the wheel to drive a car, Ad, Vere and I should go on a shopping expedition. I was the only one of us who could drive, so neither of them were going to be able to take over when I got too big. We borrowed a car from a floor mate who was going to Russia for the study break, and set off. We decided to make a decent trip of it, taking the Thursday and Friday before and the Monday after off, giving ourselves twelve days to explore the country a little. There were a couple of outlet malls I wanted to visit, and we had arranged to visit Tintagel and Stonehenge before heading back home. The drive was slow, mainly because I had to stop every hour or so to empty my bladder. Ad and Vere didn't seem to mind though, and we had an awesome trip.
At the malls, I had managed to pick up most of the things I would need for you, and both Ad and Vere had insisted on buying me other things. Knowing that my visa expired after the school year officially ended, I didn't want to invest in too many big ticket items - strollers, car seats and so on. Instead, I found my two favourite purchases. At one of the outlets, there had been hug-a-bub baby slings half price, and at another there were traditional ring slings at three for the pice of two. Knowing how useful each of these would be, I eagerly bought them. I also got baby clothes, accessories, toys, and bottles. I knew that babies needed a lot of stuff, but I wanted to minimise what I bought, rather than having to ship it home. I visited hundreds of thrift stores to find your clothing, knowing that I would be donating it back in a few short months time anyway.
By the time we arrived back on campus, it seemed that everyone knew that I was pregnant. I was showing more and more, and grateful that summer was coming. With summer on the way, I was able to be less reliant on jeans for warmth. Most of my skirts still fit me by sitting low on my hips, below my growing bump, and I had stocked up on basics like long singlets and t-shirts to cover the ever expanding bulge. Vere had found me a collection of the most comfortable skirts I had ever worn. They stretched to fit my belly, I could wear them as a dress if I wanted, and they were organic cotton. Everything I could need, in one handy skirt. I still buy them today, and it makes me so happy that the company is still in business and selling them. They sent me a thank you gift a few years back for my loyal patronage - it included a handwritten not from the company's founder, saying that I was one of their first customers, and the most loyal. It was such a little thing, and would only have taken minutes of her time, but it made me feel good reading it.
My pregnancy was advancing well, and Dr Liz was happy with my weight and progress. I was feeling more and more sluggish, but knew that this was normal. My ultrasounds were normal, and I had decided I wanted to be surprised by your sex. I had mainly purchased green and purple and lemon clothes on my shopping expedition, knowing that I could dress you in both colours regardless of your sex.
I was eating more and more, but thankfully was not yet experiencing baby brain. So, when Vere dragged me off campus one day in March, claiming that I had forgotten a massage booked weeks ago, I was mildly concerned. The massage parlor had several options for pregnant women, and it seemed that I had not only booked, but paid for one of these nearly a month earlier.
As we returned to campus, I felt relaxed and pampered, no longer worried that my brain was beginning to go. Even if I had forgotten I'd booked the appointment, the experience had been totally worth it. Walking back into my room, I was shocked to find it filled with people. I turned to Vere, who grinned wickedly.
"Surprise! We thought you needed a baby shower."
Looking around the room, I found myself surrounded by my friends from my classes. As I felt myself begin to tear up, I was gently pushed to sit on one of the armchairs.
It was surrounded by presents.
Overawed, I was unable to speak, instead gazing around the room at my friends. Vere and Ad walked up, taking the seats one either side of me. Gently placing one of the presents in my hands, Ad encouraged me to open it.
"We don't have games organised, but if you don't start opening presents soon, we can come up with some. And they will be embarrassing," he said, emphasising the word embarrassing. Blushing I quickly complied. I wasn't a big fan of being the centre of attention, so anything I could do to avoid embarrassing baby shower games was fine by me. "Plus," he added, almost as an after thought, "the quicker you open presents, the quicker we can get to the cake."
Smiling, I began opening the presents, thanking each person for each one. My friends had gotten me the most amazingly thoughtful gifts, all designed for travel. So, I didn't have to worry how I was going to get them home. After all the gifts had been opened, Vere handed me a final envelope. "This is from all of us. It is a prepaid box, up to thirty kilos, to send back to Australia. You just need to ring the number at the bottom and someone will come and pack it for you, and take it away to be sent."
Tearing up, I threw my arms around her neck. "Thank you," I sobbed. "Thanks to all of you." One of them handed me a box of tissues.
As I calmed down, Vere and Ad clearly decided that it was time to move on with the event. "Who's up for cake?" they asked almost simultaneously, laughing as Ad claimed jinx.
Everyone clamoured to help them, and soon my room was covered with food. Not only was there my favourite cake from A Slice of Heaven ("A gift from Tony the owner. He said to wish you congratulations," Ad confided), they had baked my brownies, and created a huge fruit salad. Everything was served with ice cream and whipped cream, and to me, it was pure heaven.
As plates of food were passed around, I noticed that one of my walls had been covered with a white sheet. When I enquired about this, Ad jumped up. "Oh! I almost forgot! Onto the next stage of the festivities!"
I was ushered onto my bed, and propped up with pillows before being joined by my friends, who covered my floor, bed and arm chairs. I was handed a stack of DVDs, and told to pick. Flicking thought the collection, I pulled one out. There really was no contest. While it was not my favourite movie of all time (an honour, as you know, given to a gorgeous French movie, Spanish Apartment, and its sequel Russian Dolls), I loved it.
"The Holiday it is!"
I looked up, and saw that there was a projector mounted behind my head. "Always pays to be friends with the geeks, didn't you know?" he said, winking. If I knew him, I guessed that he was more than friends with some of them. Lucky bastard, I hadn't been with anyone since Jasper.
As I settled back to watch the movie, it dawned on me that I really could do this, I really could be a single mother, that despite what my parents thought, I was going to fill your life with love and affection.