Poison Ivy was watching a romantic comedy on television while snacking on a tub of ice cream. "Outdated stereotype of women needing a man to save them," she muttered, glaring at the female protagonist. "Offensive to women everywhere. And the man would be arrested if he tried stalking her like that in reality. Honestly, I wish escapist entertainment could reflect real life more accurately. I blame Hollywood for everything that's wrong with society. Well, Hollywood and men, who control Hollywood, just like the patriarchy controls everything."
She took another spoonful of ice cream. "And does the woman actually need to be wearing something that skimpy? It's just pathetic objectification of the female form by the male gaze. Like those abs, though," she murmured, gazing at the male protagonist who had just taken his shirt off. "That's right – work it, baby…"
There was a loud knocking on Ivy's door, startling her from her reverie. "Red!" shouted Harley Quinn. "You busy?"
"No," sighed Ivy, heading over to open the door. "Just picking faults in this ridiculous, so-called romantic comedy. I blame trash like this for situations like yours, Harley. This crap just encourages women to become dependent, pathetic nutcases like you. Just watching it makes me furious."
"Well, gee, Red, if you hate it so much, why do you watch it?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Why doncha save yourself the stress and just avoid it?"
"Because the guy in it is hot," retorted Ivy, gesturing at the screen. "And I wanted to watch something while snacking. Ice cream?" she asked, gesturing at the tub.
Harley's eyes narrowed. "No," she hissed. "I don't wanna ever see any ice cream ever again!"
"Woah, that sounds serious," said Ivy. "Did J do an unwise move involving ice cream in bed? I've been there – you think it's gonna be all sweet and romantic, and it's just nerve-numbingly cold so you can't feel anything down there for a good while. It's probably what Freeze's wife is going to have to deal with if she ever wakes up from her coma…"
"Nah, it's nothing he did in bed," said Harley. "Unfortunately. Stupid peach over pumpkin pie preference," she muttered, kicking out at a plant pot. She squeaked and leaped back when the plant retaliated, snapping its stem back at her.
"What?" asked Ivy, puzzled. "What peach? What are you talking about?"
Harley sighed heavily. "Mr. J's got this…friend. Who's a girl. But not his girlfriend, because that's me," she added, hastily. "But this girl met him when she was a kid, and he did a nice thing for her, so she's grown up thinking he's the greatest. I don't like competition, Red."
"I don't like the thought that anyone thinks the Joker is the greatest," retorted Ivy. "Let alone more than one person."
"This girl's similar to me in a lotta ways," said Harley. "Shrink, blonde, adores Mr. J. Anyway, they've stayed in touch – she's his pen pal, and they write each other letters a lot. Now I don't begrudge Mr. J having friends – I'm not the jealous, clingy type of girlfriend who won't let him have his own space or his own life."
"…sure you're not," said Ivy, slowly.
"But lately, Mr. J's been hinting that he'd…prefer to be with her," murmured Harley, with tears in her eyes. "And the thought of that just kills me, Red. It's unbearable, the idea that he'd leave me for another woman. So I've been…kinda desperate to keep him, doing really anything he asks of me, no matter how inconvenient, or however much I don't want to."
"Harley, you can't live like that," said Ivy, firmly. "I mean, I don't really know how that's different from how you normally live, but I don't see how you normally live like that either. Anyway, doing everything to please J won't make him stay if he wants to go. It's just debasing yourself, and he'll ultimately leave you anyway. Trust me, bending over backward for a man doesn't mean he'll stay with you long-term. I know that more than anyone. It just doesn't work. If it did, I'd be married to Jason Woodrue, and what a horrible fate that would be."
"But what am I gonna do, Red?" sobbed Harley. "I can't lose him! I just can't! And even if I just killed the girl, he'd resent me for that, and I can't hurt him like that if he truly wants to be with her! I love him, so…so if he wants to go, I'll respect that. But that doesn't mean I have to like it, or that it won't destroy me if he does."
"Baby, it won't destroy you," said Ivy, gently. "You're strong, and you're worth more than that clown. If he leaves, it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you in the long run, just like Jason leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I could only see how much he was holding me back after I was free of him. He did me a favor, just like J leaving will be doing you a favor."
"No, Red, you're wrong," retorted Harley. "Before he came into my life…my life was always gray and miserable and rainy. He taught me to see colors, and to see rainbows in the rain. Without him, the world will go back to being that drab, gray place without color. There won't be any happiness in it. Not for me. I need him. He's my smile. He's what I get up for in the mornings. He's what I live for. People can still live without their smile, like the Bat, but I can't. I'm not stupid – I wouldn't have been through all the crap we've been through, all the fights and the pain, without knowing that what we have is something worth fighting for. He's worth all that. He's worth everything, because I love him."
"And see, this is the kind of crap I blame Hollywood for," sighed Ivy. "You don't need a man to be happy, Harley."
"No," agreed Harley. "I need Mr. J."
Ivy would have lectured her further, but her phone rang suddenly. "Just a second, Harley," she said, heading over to answer it. "Hello? Oh, hi, Harvey."
Harley sat down on the sofa to watch the movie, but her attention was diverted by watching Ivy's reaction to her telephone call. She had been continuing to snack on the ice cream as she listened, but suddenly she froze. "Oh. Is that so?" Ivy asked, in clearly a forced casual tone. "I see. Uh huh. Well, if that's your decision, it doesn't have anything to do with me. Why would I care? You're a grown man – you can date who you want, including that stray cat. I just hope you're ok with fleas, if you know what I'm saying. No, I didn't say that, but she has been with Batman, you know, and God only knows what he's got. I'm glad you're not threatened by that – I'm not sure, as a man, that I would want to compete with Batman romantically. Not just because I feared retaliation, but also because I'd be afraid of lacking physically…but hey, it's your life. Do what you want, and enjoy that catty bitch."
She slammed down the phone and sat back down on the sofa in a huff. "Problem?" asked Harley.
"It's nothing," snapped Ivy, shoveling more ice cream into her mouth. "Harvey's just…apparently interested in dating Selina. He doesn't need to ask my permission – we're not married. We're not even in a real relationship. I don't need him. I don't need any man. I hope he's very happy with that comparatively less attractive woman and all her horrible faults."
"I thought you and Selina were friends," said Harley.
"We were, until she decided to steal my man," snapped Ivy. "Not that Harvey's my man, but it still seems like a catty thing to do. But I should expect cattiness from a woman calling herself Catwoman, I guess."
She stood up. "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go over to Harvey's right now wearing something skimpy and show him what he's missing out on if he chooses Selina. He's pretty crazy, but he's not that crazy. After spending an afternoon in bed with me, he'll change his mind. I'll see to it. Even if I have to cheat and use a double-sided coin to help him decide."
"I thought you just said bending over backward to please a man doesn't work," said Harley, puzzled.
"I'm not bending over backward to please him," retorted Ivy. "I'm just…going to make him reconsider his ridiculous decision. Choosing Selina over me – he's just not thinking straight," she muttered, heading toward her bedroom to change.
Harley was left alone with her thoughts. As far as she knew, Two-Face had never been interested in Catwoman before, so this decision kinda came out of the blue. It was weird for Two-Face too – he was always pretty keen on Ivy. Harley idly wondered why he had changed his mind all of a sudden.
She picked up the television remote and changed the channel from the romantic comedy to the news. "Our top story, the Iceberg Lounge, which has recently come under scrutiny for pay disputes among its employees, has been embroiled deeper in scandal, after its owner and proprietor, Oswald Cobblepot, reportedly tried to pit female employees against each other to distract them from their salary negotiations. Speaking in his defense, Mr. Cobblepot insists that he was the recipient of some bad and erroneous advice, and has assured his employees that their concerns will be addressed in a timely manner. Eight sexual discrimination suits have currently been filed against him."
"Huh," said Harley out loud, frowning. "Oswald's not usually the sexist type. I mean, he doesn't like women, as far as I know, but then he doesn't really like anyone. I dunno why he'd be singling out his female employees to pick on."
"And in other news, the criminal known as Scarface has reportedly been seen with a new Ventriloquist. Arnold Wesker, his former owner, was nowhere to be seen earlier today when Mr. Scarface stepped out with a new other half, a woman identified as Peyton Riley, but whom Scarface reportedly refers to as 'Sugar.' When asked about this change of companions, Mr. Scarface had only this to say."
The image flicked to a live feed of Scarface speaking, with an attractive blonde woman on his arm. Or rather, an attractive blonde woman's arm up him. "I just wanna thank my good friend, the Joker, for the great advice he gave me regarding dames and how to keep 'em in line. He also gave me this great-looking cigar, as well as this great-looking arm candy. Cheers, pally," he said, raising the cigar. Sugar lit this for him, and the cigar immediately exploded, sending both her and the surrounding reporters into a panic, as the footage cut off.
Harley stared at the screen, and suddenly it all clicked. Her depression instantly turned into hard, cold rage. "That rat bastard!" she shrieked. "They're all in it together!"
"Harley? What are you yelling about?" asked Ivy, who emerged from the bedroom half dressed.
"Put your clothes back on, Red – they're trying to scam us!" exclaimed Harley, pointing at the screen. "Penguin and Scarface both got some advice about women from Mr. J, because they were meeting with him the other day. Harvey was too. I bet Mr. J told 'em all about Janey, and how I was overreacting by being extra nice, and they're all trying to get in on that action with their respective women by making 'em jealous of each other! Mr. J doesn't want to leave me at all – he's just realized that when he says that, I go overboard trying to please him, and he's trying to take advantage of my all-consuming and obsessive love for him! I tell ya, that's low, even for that creep! I love him to death, but I'm gonna kill him!"
"That's the spirit, Harley!" said Ivy, happily. "Now you see how horrible and manipulative men can be!"
"Yeah, I do," agreed Harley. "And I'm so mad at the slimy rat, I could beat his face in! But that wouldn't teach him a lesson – it would probably just turn him on," she sighed. "But I do need to teach him a lesson about taking me for granted and treating me like crap, and for making me worry he was leaving me. Maybe by giving him a taste of his own medicine."
"Well, you know what they say, Harley," said Ivy. "Living well is the best revenge. And by living well, I mean on your own, as a free, independent woman, after having dumped the clown for using you like this."
"Nah, that ain't my style, Red," said Harley, shaking her head. "I ain't the type to just forget about him and move on with my life. The saying I like is, 'an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.'"
"But…that's about not getting revenge and just moving on with your life," said Ivy, confused.
"No, it's about blinding people!" snapped Harley. "It's an inspirational quote – you go out there and take as many eyes as possible, because then you'll be the only one in the whole world who can see, and they'll be wandering around blind like a buncha suckers! That's how Mr. J taught it to me anyway. Doesn't have to be literal blinding, of course, just getting revenge for the wrongs done you in a similar fashion to which they were first done. And I got a great idea for how to blind Mr. J. He'll never see it coming."