AN- Yay! Keep the reviews coming peeps! Enjoy!
x-x
Two days after Lily had the healer's appointment, she woke eager to begin fresh. The first two potions seemed to have kick started something new and good in her mind. She understood the reasons why Harry was playing up as he was, and she knew that she had to make time for him, alone. It would prove to be difficult and Lily knew that, but the fear associated with that was no longer as profound. She began writing down and implementing a new routine that would allow for some one on one time with Harry while Josie slept and so far, even though it was only a day or so in, it was working. And the results were beginning to show.
Sirius had come back the day after, but Lily feared opening up to him might cause him to neglect his own life to focus on her and the kids. She wanted nothing more than for Sirius to be able to be happy. This wasn't his life, it wasn't the path that he chose. This was James' life, it was James' path. Lily tried to push him away, bit by bit, told him to go on a second date with the witch he saw, but still, he came back.
This day, Lily woke and took her potion, made breakfast for Harry and fed Josie. She felt accomplished and like she was succeeding at something. It felt good to feel something beyond complete utter agony and despair. She even made an effort to brush her hair and put it up in a twist for the first time since James had died.
While Harry coloured and Josie was kept occupied in her baby bouncer, Lily cleaned up in the kitchen and swept the floor. Finally, she was able to walk from one side of the house to the other without tripping on a toy car or a dragon.
It was mid-morning when Sirius arrived. He didn't knock, as he practically lived there.
"Hey Lil, how's your morning?" he asked, as he greeted her with a classic Sirius bear hug.
"Gosh, Siri, you're going to squeeze the life out of me… My morning's been good" she said with a giggle that shocked not only her but Sirius too.
"Did you just call me Siri?" he asked.
"Yeah, why?"
"You haven't called me that in…."
"A little over six months?"
"Well, yeah I suppose so"
"Things are looking up Sirius" she said with a smile.
"What does that mean? What's happened?"
"Nothing, I just feel like maybe everything will be ok, at some point" she said, heading to the laundry room to check on the washing.
"Have you been into the firewhisky?" he asked.
"Come on, you know I don't keep the hard stuff here" she said.
"Well, whatever it is, it's good to see a smile on your face… Now where's my boy?" he asked.
"He's in the living room, colouring... Actually, I wanted to ask you something" she said.
"Anything"
"Would you watch Josie today? I want to spend some time with Harry. Maybe take him for ice cream or something" she said.
"I don't exactly have the means to feed her, Lil" he joked.
"Its ok, I expressed. There's a bottle in the fridge. Just warm it up with your wand for 20 seconds and it will be fine" she said.
"Sure… You two definitely need some one on one time" he said.
"Well, poor Harry has really missed out on spending time with me lately, I don't want him to think that I don't have time for him anymore" she said.
With that, Lily got Harry ready and headed off for an adventure in the city. They visited the zoo and went to the shops. She was grateful for taking the stroller because Harry was so tired by the end, he just wanted to lay down. She thought about apparating home, but didn't want to do it while he was asleep. He didn't like it much anyway, which is why they used the floo network mostly or caught taxis.
Lily continued shopping with a sleeping Harry, buying herself some nice things, given how quickly she bounced back almost completely to her pre-pregnancy size. As the shops began to close, Lily thought it was best to take Harry home. He still slept in the overloaded stroller and she thought it was best to just let him be and hop onto the country bus that would stop on the main road near her house.
As the bus travelled down the highway, Lily looked out the window at the buildings, cars and people and thought about all the things she wanted for her children's futures. She didn't want them to suffer the way she had, nor did she want them to ever have to face evil the way their father did. As the buildings became fewer and were replaced by fields and farms, Lily had an idea about what she wanted for her own life.
She thanked the driver at her stop and managed to exit the bus with a still sleeping Harry and made off towards her house. It was dark when she got home, and the porch light was on. She could smell an amazing aroma coming from her kitchen. She stopped outside and looked into the window, seeing Sirius holding her baby in one arm and stirring a pot with the other. He looked so at ease with himself, so comfortable, it made Lily happy. She waved when he looked up at her and he hurried to the door to help her in with the stroller.
"Merlin, Lily, where have you been? I was about to call Remus!" he said.
"Don't be silly, he's probably still recovering. We've had the time of our lives, truly" she said.
"Well, tell me all about it" he said, handing Josie to her and lifting Harry out of the stroller.
"Well, we went to that zoo you raved about, then got icecream and did a bit of shopping" she said, following Sirius to Harrys room where he placed him on his bed. She watched as Sirius gently brushed Harrys hair from his face and understood now, more fully than before, just how much Sirius adores his godson.
"You're amazing with them" Lily said, as they both left Harry's room.
"Oh its nothing, really" he said.
"No, Sirius, I mean it. I don't know what I would have done without you" she said.
"Lily, I've told you before, it means just as much for me to be here as what it does or you to have me here. These kids are my connection to James. To my best friend. I would hate to be away from them" he said, heading back to the stove to finish cooking.
"Well, I bought you something anyway…" she said, hesitating. "I don't know if you'll like it.. but, I saw it and thought of you" she said.
"Presents I can handle" he said, smiling.
Lily placed Josie down in her bouncer and rifled through the bags, pulling out one from a men's store.
"You were in a men's clothing store? Where you just happened to see it?" he asked sceptically.
"Well, I know you don't really shop for yourself and you've been seeing this woman recently, so I thought you needed something nice to wear" she said.
"That's lovely and kind of you Lil, but I don't think I'm going to see her again" he said.
"Well, consider it just a random gift then" she said.
"Well, thank you" he said, planting a kiss on Lily's cheek. She wasn't used to that kind of affection from anyone since James and it threw her a bit. She began sorting through the piles of shopping bags and started folding up the clothes that needed putting away and sorting through toys that she was going to put away from Harrys birthday.
Harry woke as Sirius dished up dinner, and the three of them sat down and ate together. It was a quiet event, with Sirius asking Harry about his day and Harry answering to the best of his almost 2-year-old ability.
Once the meals were finished, Harry was bathed, and the dishes were cleared, Sirius read to Harry while Lily fed Josie and put her to bed.
By the end of the day, Lily was exhausted, and she opened a bottle of butterbeer for her and Sirius to share.
"So, are you going to tell me what went so badly at this date?" she asked.
"She wasn't really interested in me. She's some kind of up and coming journalist and I felt like, rather than a first date, it was more of an interview" he said, shrugging it off like it didn't matter.
"What was her name? Just so I know what to look for, in case you blurted out all my secrets" Lily said with a grin.
"Rita. And don't worry, I only told her half of your secrets" Sirius replied.
"Well anyway, it's her loss. You're a great catch and someone will someday find you simply irresistible, I'm sure" she said.
"You think so?"
"I know so Sirius. You're a great guy" she said.
"You're not so horrid yourself" he said.
"Can I tell you something, Siri?" she asked.
"You can tell me anything Lil"
"I'm taking a potion for my moods" she said.
"Oh"
"I didn't want to tell you because I thought I could handle it. But honestly, over the last two weeks, I have felt like a complete failure. I thought I was a horrid mother and Harry hated me" she said, feeling relieved at getting all this out.
"Oh, Lily, why didn't you tell me?" he asked.
"I didn't want to bother you. You need to have a life of your own Sirius, we're not your responsibility. We're not the life you chose, we're not in your plan" she said.
Sirius was quiet for a moment.
"Do you know what? The only thing that I regret, that I can't stand, that keeps me up at night, that I didn't choose, was to have my best friend murdered. To have your husband killed and leave behind two amazing kids. The only thing that I want to do is to make amends for what happened. I know I didn't point that wand, but I convinced you both to use Peter as secret keeper, which is something I will always regret. This is my doing and I will spend my whole life, making it up to you if I have to".
"You blame yourself for this?" she asked.
"Of course I do! James wanted me to be secret keeper, but I convinced you at the last minute to change to Peter. Remember? It should have been obvious that he was the spy. He was always sneaking off, scratching at his arm… He was a death eater. He was being called. Arrghhhh, it's so obvious now" Sirius said in frustration.
"We thought maybe he was seeing someone"
"Yeah he was… He was seeing Voldemort"
They both chuckled at this and continued chatting for the next few hours, airing out all their dirty laundry. It felt good for Lily to finally tell someone how she had been feeling. Sirius was the only person she felt comfortable opening up to. Certainly, Remus was a great friend and he was a fantastic listener, but somehow, Lily felt a closer connection to Sirius than to Remus.
x-x
Over the following Months, Lily had perked up significantly. She finished the potions and returned to the healer, raving about how amazing the treatment had been. She was feeling wonderful and the feeling did not diminish once she was done with the 7 day course.
When Harry turned 2, she had a party and invited as many people as she could think of. Dumbledore, Hagrid, Sirius and Remus all came as well as Frank and Alice Longbottom and their son Neville whose birthday was the day before Harry's. Lily bonded more strongly than before with Alice due to the Longbottom's near miss with Bellatrix Lestrange. As it turned out, when Lily was deep in her grief, the pair were captured and tortured almost to insanity before being rescued by Aurors. The two women shared a kind of bond that only came with experiencing something so horrific.
By the middle of October, Harry was growing up quickly and Josie was sitting up all by herself. Life seemed to be moving on quicker than Lily thought possible but one thing she could count on was Sirius being there for her each and every day. After the conversation in Lily's kitchen, she and Sirius had been so much closer than ever before, counting on each other, sharing their thoughts, hopes and fears and knowing that they would go no further than one another. Lily loved that she had someone to rely on and understand her worries and there was not a single moment where she took it for granted.
Remus began distancing himself more and more as time went by. Lily felt that just like Sirius, he felt some kind of guilt for what happened and could no longer stand seeing Harry and Josie all the time, knowing that their dad was gone. His reaction was completely opposite to Sirius' but no matter how close they tried to bring him in, he just pushed away until he stopped coming around altogether.
As the anniversary of James' death approached, Lily tried her best not to let it upset her. She knew that she would struggle on this day and that was absolutely ok, but she hadn't expected to feel so completely lost.
She awoke on the 31st of October with a tightness in her chest. She tried her absolute best to keep herself busy throughout the morning but as the day wore on, she felt more and more lost. The only saving grace was that Sirius had made a point to stay at the house for the day. After lunch, Sirius suggested that they all go out into the garden to enjoy the cool sunny day. Lily sat with Josie while Harry sped around on his toy broom, which floated only a metre off the ground and Sirius did some gardening the muggle way, much to Lily's amusement. All in all, it would have been a beautiful day if there hadn't been reminders of James everywhere Lily looked.
As the sun began to set, Lily put Josie to bed before organising an outdoor dinner for herself, Sirius and Harry. The garden setting was beautiful, with a table positioned underneath a gazebo that was strung with fairy lights above. In the nearby shrubbery lived real fairies that sparkled and watched from within the safety of their tiny fairy houses. Harry managed to eat half his food before declaring he was done and demonstrating signs that he was tired. Lily quickly bathed him and put him to bed before waking Josie for a feed and settling her in for the night.
Back outside, Sirius had set up a small bonfire which was crackling happily. Lily sat on a large piece of wood that Sirius had transfigured into a seat and sipped on a butterbeer that she had brought out for herself and Sirius. Her thoughts were of how life might be if James had survived that night. She wondered what might be if Sirius or Remus had been secret keeper instead of Peter. She thought that perhaps someone may have found a way to capture Voldemort or kill him and he might not have come looking for them. Maybe the war would have finished another way, a way that didn't involve the death of the only man she had ever loved.
"A sickle for your thoughts?" Sirius asked her.
"Just thinking of James" she said with a sigh.
"Hmm, me too" he said.
"I wonder what he would have been doing if he didn't… if Voldemort hadn't… you know"
"If James were here Lil, he'd probably sit right by you, hold onto you and never let you go. He'd kick me out, so he could have you all to himself and just enjoy being in your company. He loved you so much, it always made us hopeful that that someday we could have that with someone. It was a rare thing what you and James had" Sirius said.
"It was" she said quietly.
"Did I ever tell you that while we were at Hogwarts, I had a thing for you?" he said.
"What? No way!"
"Yep" he said. "Once James noticed you though it was all over for me. No one else stood a chance" he continued.
"That's silly, I thoroughly disliked James at first, remember? He was so bog headed and full of himself"
"But in the end, he won, didn't he?"
"It wasn't a competition" she said. "But I am glad he won. Even if we only got to experience less than five years together. It was an amazing few years though" she continued sadly.
"You should have heard him when he finally got you to go out with him. He was prancing around like he was Godric himself" Sirius said.
"No, about the same as usual then?" she joked.
"Yeah, just about" Sirius said.
The two sat by the fire sipping their butterbeers, reminiscing about all the things James had done, funny, daring and heroic. As they chatted, Lily found herself feeling as though the heaviness in her chest was abating somewhat, and she felt as though maybe, there would be a time where she was ok.
Once Lily was well and truly tipsy and the fire was dying out, she stood and declared that it was time to head inside.
"If its ok, I might stay the night" Sirius said. "I think I've had a bit more butterbeer than I thought" he said.
"That's absolutely ok" she said with a smile. She didn't want to be alone anyway.
Sirius helped Lily clean up in the kitchen, both of them somewhat sloppily, but getting the job done nevertheless. When they were done, they both drank a substantial amount of water and both headed down the hall towards the bedrooms.
Once they reached the spot where they went their separate ways, Lily encased Sirius in a hug, catching him off-guard.
"Thank you, Sirius, for everything" she whispered.
Normally, the hugs they shared were enormous bear hugs that were overtly friendly. This time, however, there was something different. While Lily initiated it, Sirius didn't squeeze her or pick her up, instead, he embraced her as someone would embrace a person they loved. Sirius rested his chin on the top of Lily's head while his arms wrapped around her slender body. While it normally might have felt awkward, this hug felt right. Lily felt safe in the arms of her husband's best friend, her best friend, someone she trusted.
It was the first time a man had held her in this way in a year and it made her feel as though an empty part of her was filled. She held onto Sirius as if letting go might open a wound that may never close again. She found herself breathing in his scent, which was a mixture of cologne, butterbeer, and the unmistakable aroma of a man. It was not something she expected herself to be feeling but, in that moment, she wanted to just stay there, holding onto Sirius and having him hold on to her.
She felt a tear slide down her face that she didn't know she had let go and when she let go of Sirius to wipe it away, she realised it had been his tear.
"I'm sorry, that was really inappropriate" she said, looking down at the floor, embarrassed. SHe was stuck between the feelings she experienced in that moment, and the absolute heartbreak at having Sirius cry in her arms.
"No, its just…. Merlin, Lil, I miss him so much" he said.
"Me too" was all she could say back.
"I feel so guilty Lil" he said, quietly.
"Guilty? What on earth for?"
"For being here. For spending so much time with his kids when he can't. For feeling the way I did just then" he said.
With a grunt from Harry in the room adjacent to where they stood in the hall, Lily took Sirius into her room and sat on the bed.
"You don't need to feel guilty Sirius" she said, placing her hand on his. "That, just then, that was nice. It felt good to be held after so long. I forgot what it felt like" she said, honestly.
"I just… I made James a promise and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise that" he said.
"What was that promise?" she asked.
"I promised him I would take care of you" he said.
"And you are!" she said.
"By manhandling his wife?" he said, louder than he might ordinarily have.
"Don't be ridiculous Sirius" she said.
"I'm not" he said.
"Sirius, please, just listen to me… That, whatever that was… It was fine. It was good even. I needed it. It made me feel happy. If you have a problem with it, that's ok, it's my fault and it won't happen again" she said.
At this, Sirius stood and looked Lily in the eyes.
"I'm sorry" he said sadly, and left the room.