Notes: This chapter would've been up way sooner except 1) Mass Effect 3 happened, 2) I'm in the middle of a 1000 mile move and 3) my HDD is fried. Luckily I had a fairly recent back up, but I still had to rewrite a lot of it. Hope you guys enjoy nonetheless.
Chapter Four
"So I have an idea," Lightning said, her phone cradled between her head and shoulder as she shut and locked her car door.
"Lay it on me." Hope sounded like he was eating. When Lightning cleared her throat pointedly, he swallowed. "Sorry," he said. "I'm working through lunch here. Someone decided to just quit this morning, so now all her cases fell into my lap."
Three months had passed, and Lightning was well into her second trimester, though she hadn't begun to really show much yet. Her OBGYN had assured her that it was normal for her to still be so small this far along, especially for a first pregnancy, but still recommended that she start eating more than she was. In any case, her clothes were beginning to feel uncomfortably tight, and she had actually popped a button on a pair of shorts that morning. She lamented the fact that soon she would have to start spending money on maternity clothing, let alone other assorted the baby things.
She supposed that friends and family normally helped out in that department, but she was severely lacking in either. The only friend she had here was Noel - to the extent that she had allowed herself to cultivate that particular relationship. She felt like she had to constantly hold him at arm's length, lest he burrow into her side and attach himself permanently. He always wanted to talk, hang out, have dinner, something.
She realized, however, that he was lonely too, and had found something like a kindred spirit in her. Lightning was trying to be understanding of that. She had to admit, he did make for a good friend.
"Anyway," Lightning continued, "you should come here and visit. Like for a week or something. You have vacation time, right? I bet Fang could fly you over, and I'll pay for everything else. Or I'll get you a plane ticket if she can't. You won't have to spend a dime."
"Hmm." His mouth was full again.
She waited, but he didn't say anything else. "Just 'hmm'? That's all you have to say about that?"
"I don't know if I can take the time off, Light," he answered, his tone apologetic. "I've been so swamped, I don't even want to see my inbox after a week without working."
Lightning jammed her key into her front door and opened it. "Seriously?"
"Seriously." He paused. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" she asked incredulously, shutting the door behind her with more force than she meant to. "What do you think is wrong?"
"Look…"
"No, you look," she snapped. "I just offered to pay for you to come visit me for a week, and you rebuff me because you're too busy at work? I just want to see you, Hope."
"I want to see you too," he protested. "I'm not making excuses, Light, I'm really -"
"Bullshit," she interrupted. "They are excuses. Incredibly lousy ones." She stopped for a moment, took a deep breath, and tried to compose herself. "Why are you lying to me? I don't understand, I really don't. You say you l-"
"I'm scared, okay?" Hope nearly shouted it, then got quieter. "I'm scared. There, you happy?"
"Scared? Scared of what? What's scary about getting on a plane and coming to see me? This isn't making any sense."
"Scared in general! Scared of coming to see you, and being so overwhelmed, and wanting to be with you so bad, and…not being able to make that last step."
"You mean, moving here for good." Lightning's voice was flat.
"Yeah. Come on, Light. We've discussed it before."
"Don't you dare talk to me about sacrifices," Lightning hissed. Even as the words left her, she wanted to kick herself, but she couldn't seem to stop. She was angry, and it was making her blind and stupid, but she didn't know how to stop. In a way, it felt good to lash out. Months of pent up frustration, anger, sadness, and now hormones, was finally finding release.
Hope was becoming angry himself. "There's a difference between your sacrifices and mine."
"Like what, yours are non-existent and mine aren't?"
"God dammit, Lightning, why are you doing this?" His voice was muffled, like he was passing a hand over his face.
"Don't stop now, you're on a roll. Go ahead, let's hear your brilliant logic." Stop, for god's sake, just stop, a voice in the back of her head screamed. Too late now.
He groaned. "Fine. Your sacrifices all came from your hand being forced. None of them were for the good of anyone other than the fact that you had to. Why are you over there? Because you killed someone. You killed two people. That's why. You didn't have to do that, did you?" He was breathless with anger now. "And yet I forgive you. I've forgiven all of your downfalls, numerous as they are. Embraced them, even. I've done so much for you, you know that. And you want to sit there and act like I'm lying when I say I love you? What about you?"
"You're an ass." She was gripping the phone so tightly that she could feel the plastic cover begin to give. Hope started talking again, with a "Wait, I didn't mean-", but she interrupted, "While we're talking about character flaws, how about you grow up, huh?"
Hope stopped trying to apologize. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. Go ahead, play it safe for the rest of your life. Your cozy desk job, your big ass penthouse mommy and daddy gave you, and then find some girl to mother you. That must be your idea of heaven."
"Lightning," Hope said quietly. "Just stop. Please, stop."
She hung up on him.
…
"Afternoon, Mr. Estheim!"
Hope glanced up from his desk to see one of the temps waving from his doorway.
"Hey," he said, crumpling up the rest of his lunch in a bag and shoving it into the wastebasket beside his workstation. "Good afternoon, Alyssa."
"Wanna get lunch somewhere? My treat. You've been working hard all morning, after all."
"I just ate," Hope answered. "Thanks, though."
The blonde girl pouted for a moment, then said, "Maybe tomorrow, then."
"Sure," Hope said, grabbing a folder off of his desk. "Have a good lunch."
As the temp walked off down the hall, he flipped through the file absently. His eyes darted towards the phone, then away. He sincerely doubted Lightning would answer if he attempted to call her again.
Is it worth it?
Of course, he answered himself.
Hope had spoken the truth on the phone: he was scared. As much as Lightning had just belittled him for that fear, it was genuine. It was so much to lose.
All told, his life wasn't bad at all at the moment. He had a job that he enjoyed (most of the time) and paid the bills. He had a beautiful home, filled with things more important that furniture or relics; it held memories. He had friends and a support system; he knew if he ever needed help, all he had to do was ask, and someone would be there for him.
Suppose he gave it all up; suppose he dropped everything, bought a one-way ticket to Pulse, and left right then and there.
He wanted Lightning more than anything. He really did.
What if you go and all you do is fight? What if you guys aren't really meant for each other? That nagging voice of doubt again.
Hope wished he could've done that conversation all over again, wished he hadn't let Lightning's fierce anger stoke his own like that. Never had he regretted his words more. He wondered how long she would bore that grudge.
He couldn't bear that. He couldn't. Having his phone calls deflected to her voice mail like he knew they would be, not knowing where Lightning's head was at.
He pushed back his chair and stood. Closing his office door behind him, he went to his supervisor's desk.
Batholomew Simms looked up at him from behind his square spectacles. "Yes, Estheim?"
"I'm taking a half day," Hope told him.
The man's mouth set in a firm line. Hope could see him battling internally with himself, deciding whether or not to allow him to leave. But they both knew that Hope more than deserved an impromptu half day.
"Fine," Simms said after a moment. "I suppose. Leave the more urgent cases with a temp, they can divvy them up amongst themselves. The rest can wait for tomorrow, I'm sure."
"Yes sir," Hope said. "And thank you."
"Never again," his supervisor warned as Hope walked away.
He smiled to himself and let himself back into his office. After organizing the stack of folders, he gathered them up in his arms and went out to the row of cubicles where the temps worked. He dumped them onto the nearest desk, then turned on his heel and walked out of the building towards the parking garage. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he dialed Fang's number.
"Hey, Fang. You busy?"
…
"Uh oh," Noel said as he spotted Lightning standing by his door from down the hall. "I know that look."
Lightning crossed her arms as she waited for him to approach. "What?"
"It's the 'I'm fighting with my baby daddy' look," he answered with a grin, unlocking the door to his unit so they could step inside.
"I'm pretty sure there's no term that makes me more homicidal than 'baby daddy,'" Lightning groaned.
"I'm sure there is, we just haven't found it yet." Noel unzipped his OPD-emblazoned windbreaker and hung it on the back of a chair. "So what's wrong?"
Lightning hesitated, then shook her head. "I don't really want to talk about it."
"Fair enough. I'm gonna take a shower, then we can get dinner or something if you want."
"Were you going somewhere tonight, Noel?"
"Huh?" Noel followed Lightning's gaze to the back of the couch, where he'd laid out dress clothes that morning. "Oh, um. Sort of."
She folded her arms across her chest again. "You have a date tonight, don't you?"
"I did," Noel said. "Not anymore."
"What do you mean, not anymore?"
"As in, I canceled it." He shrugged. "Why?"
"Why did you cancel it?"
"Because I didn't want to go."
"You canceled it because I called you, didn't you." She delivered this as more of a statement than a question.
"Sure," Noel said. "I'd rather hang out with you, anyway."
Lightning gave an aggrieved sigh. "Noel."
"What? Lightning, don't worry about it. It was some chick my partner was trying to set me up with. I've met her before and I didn't really like her. I was just going to go to be nice."
"You really ought to hang out with more people than just me. Go out, meet new people. I mean, maybe you don't have romantic chemistry with that girl, but she could be your friend or something. Who knows."
"I could say the same for you," Noel said.
"It's different," Lightning insisted.
He shook his head. "Don't worry about me, okay?"
"Well, don't worry about me, either," she said.
"I can't help it." He gave her a smile. The corner of her mouth twitched and she looked away.
"Go take your shower," she told him. "And make it quick. I'm kind of hungry."
"Wow," he said. "I don't think I've ever heard you admit that you're hungry."
"Well, I am eating for two, or whatever."
"Yeah, and currently you eat about enough for half a person," Noel pointed out.
"I am eating enough. I promise. I even busted my favorite pair of shorts today because of it."
"Probably from your kid beating your belly and demanding to be fed," he remarked.
"Will you hurry up and get ready?" she said, exasperated.
"Alright, alright. I won't be long."
As he stood in the shower, the hot water beating against his skin, he wondered – as he always did – if he was doing the right thing. Not befriending Lightning; he knew that being there for her whenever she needed him was right. A good friend was probably one of the best things for her, whether she wanted to admit it or not. What he wondered about was his own motives.
It was true; he felt some obligation towards Lightning because of Serah. Where he couldn't do right by her, he wanted to do right by her sister.
Noel knew they were different. While they shared the same fire, the same ability to go from 0 to 60 in less than a millisecond, they were still different in so many other aspects. Even their situation was not the same. He was fully aware of this; he wasn't projecting, and he wasn't pretending that she was Serah.
Was he romantically inclined towards Lightning? That was another question he couldn't answer for himself. He didn't know how distorted his affection for her was by Serah's memory.
Dangerous territory, a veritable landmine. It was best to avoid it for now.
As Noel toweled off, he could hear Lightning picking out tunes on the old upright piano in the living room. He smiled to himself and pulled on a pair of worn jeans, then walked out of the bedroom. Lightning lingered on a key, the note reverberating poignantly through the apartment.
He sat beside her on the worn bench. Lightning immediately slid her hands into her lap. "Sorry."
"Serah was always good at playing the piano," Noel said.
"Yeah. She worked as a grade school music teacher."
"Really? She always said she wanted to work with kids." He rested his fingers on the keys for a moment, then started playing.
Lightning watched him for a minute, her hands pressed against her stomach. She sat up suddenly, giving Noel wide eyes.
He stopped. "What?"
"No, don't stop. Play again."
Noel turned back to the keys and resumed the song. He glanced at Lightning. A small smile was spreading across her face.
"He likes it," she said in a soft voice. "Feel."
Noel continued to play with one hand, hesitantly resting the other on Lightning's belly where she indicated. Sure enough, he could feel small movements under her skin.
"Wow." He was awestruck.
"I've never felt him move before."
"That's…incredible, Lightning."
"It's weird, for sure." She shook her head, then looked at Noel again. Furrowing her brows, she said, "Were you planning on going out like that, or are you going to put a shirt on?"
Noel laughed and let his hand slide off the keys. "Sorry. I'll get decent." He stood up and cracked his knuckles. "It's been awhile since I've actually played that thing. I'm surprised it's still in tune." He fetched a shirt from his bedroom dresser and pulled on a pair of sneakers. "Let's grab some food, shall we?"