I DISCLAIM - CHAPTER FOUR: REMEMBERING CARLI

"Hey, baby girl. It's been awhile since I've visited, three months, six days and 10 hours to be exact." John said as he sat next to his wife's grave. He took a deep breath of the fresh spring air and ran his hands over his freshly shaved head. "I uh…I've been meeting Emily now for awhile now and I really like her. We've met for coffee a few times, gone out for drinks, to movies and had late night dinners at her place. It's moving slowly because I have no idea what I'm doing. She's uh…she's the opposite of you, Car. She's conservative and cautious and not an adrenaline junkie in the least." John chuckled as he remembered his first time rock climbing with Carli. She scaled the mountain with ease and had impressed him with her strength and agility. She had laughed at him several times because he had been, what he called 'nervous', a few times on the mountain.

John had watched as Carli climbed the mountain using her arms, barely using her legs at all. How at ease and comfortable in that setting, how free she looked as she sat at the top watching him. He thought back to those times and smiled as tears fell down his cheeks. His whole world had revolved around this one woman for so long he wondered if he could share a new beginning with Emily. He talked to Carli about it and wished there were some way she could signal him. He was going from one end of the spectrum to the other. Carolina Cena was a woman who did things her way, who lived life on the edge, who dared to be challenged. Emily Jensen, however, was a mild mannered, soft spoken, reserved Republican woman whose biggest rebellion was going to school for dance and not medicine.

He finished his conversation and said his goodbyes in the same manner he'd done for 10 years. A few less tears, kisses to her stone, laying the daisies against the stone and a wink and a wave goodbye. He'd often shared with his mom that those visits with Carli were like therapy for him. He needed to be there, needed to still feel her. Carol thought it was working the other way. Visiting Carli still so much after 10 years may be more harmful than helpful. His continued hold on his dead wife may hinder him from a healthy new relationship. He still never referred to himself as a widow, his wife had passed, and she would always be his wife in his eyes. The wedding band still prominently on his hand.

Emily and John had become fast friends and relied upon eachother in various aspects of their lives. He began to include her in his film making decisions and she began including him in all her choices. This was the only thing still kept as a secret was their relationship. His parents knew about Emily but not his children or his friends. They talked about it often and Emily didn't think John should hide her from Joey and Amelia. John liked their life together and wasn't sure if he was ready to tell his children or anyone else. It was a constant discussion as they navigated through each day. John was afraid of the devastation to his children if they became too attached to Emily and things didn't work out. He was also, subconsciously, afraid of repeating history.

Emily had noticed on several occasions John's overprotectiveness of her. He would overreact to something so small and had even suggested the emergency room when she burned her finger pulling dinner out of the oven. She had accidentally touched the rack with her knuckle and no blister formed, but John was beside himself with worry. She lay awake that night wondering when he'd get over those feelings that something bad would happen to the woman in his life, or would it always be there. She knew she handled it perfectly and managed to calm John down but if he reacted like that to a small burn, how would he react to other situations.

Late one night as Joey was sneaking out of the house he heard his dad calling for his mom. He pressed his ear to the bedroom door and heard John talking to Carli as if she were in the room. He lightly knocked and saw his dad in bed sleeping. He was tossing and turning calling for her, his voice filled with fear. Joey watched his dad and listened to what he was saying. My mom shot someone? He didn't know what to think about his dad's obvious nightmare. He didn't know if he should wake him. Until John relived the day Carli had died. It scared Joey, scared him more than anything he'd ever experienced. He sat on the floor at the side of the bed and let tears fall down his face. He heard the pain in his dad's voice, he could actually hear his father's heart breaking.

Joey put his hand on his dad's arm and gave him a little shake. John sat straight up gasping for air. "Carli? Baby?" He asked as he scanned the bedroom, about ready to jump out of bed to look for her.

"No, dad. Its just me." He sat and watched his dad's confused expression as reality took over for the dream. He thought his dad was going to hyperventilate as he began breathing heavily. John laid back and Joey could see his father's body shaking. It wasn't long before John couldn't sob in silence any longer and Joey fought his own emotions. "Dad?" Joey said with a shaky voice. "Tell me about her." John lay there for a minute gathering himself. He began thinking back to his life with Carli.

He sat up, "She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. We met in the airport on the way to Paul and Steph's wedding. I was new in the WWE and she was just a gorgeous woman in the airport. I wondered how in the hell I'd ever find her to talk to her. Your Uncle Randy lost her to me. She already knew all about him and his ways." John laughed as he thought back to Carli teasing Randy. "I was in the gym working out with Dave and Randy and there she was! In the same hotel! I couldn't believe my luck. We talked for awhile and then I was shocked when she was at the rehearsal dinner." John's mind instantly went to their first time together and no matter how exhilarating it had been and how much John gained from those moments, those were best kept to himself and not shared with his teenage son about his mother.

"Your mom could sing like no other. She had such emotion and depth it was just incredible to listen too." Joey could see the love in his dad's eyes and it was then he realized his dad would never love someone the way he loved his mom. It warmed him but made him sad also.

"Do you have anything with her singing?" He asked and cleared his throat when his voice still cracked.

"I just might. If I don't I'm sure your Aunt Stephanie will." John sat there thinking and he could still hear her voice.

"Tell me more, dad."

"Let's go downstairs and get something to eat and we'll talk all about her." John got out of bed and they both quietly went to the kitchen. John made them sandwiches and they sat at the breakfast bar, eating in silence at first.

"The day I married her was the best day of my life. Then she told me we'd be having a baby and that became the best day of my life. When you were born I marveled at the perfection of this little baby boy who looked like his mom. You were a gorgeous baby and the highlight of everyone around you. Vince and Linda doted on you and Steph and Paul thought you hung the moon. You could do no wrong. Vince and Linda would beg your mom to let them take you anywhere, but she would not hear of it. You went everywhere with your mom. If she wasn't going you weren't going and if you couldn't go, then she wouldn't either." John chuckled at the many times Carli refused to go somewhere because Joey wasn't allowed. She had given up the band because he wasn't allowed in the club.

"She gave her life for you and your sister. There's no greater gift, son. No greater love than a mother for her children." John's voice cracked and he took another bite of his sandwich to gain control of his emotions. "She loved anything that got her adrenaline pumping. She would sky dive, parasail, rock climb, hike up mountains, surf in ridiculous waves, she just took full advantage of the time she had here."

"Did mom shoot someone? I heard you say she killed a man." Joey asked tentatively. John hesitated and it answered Joe's question.

"Yes, she did. I'm not giving you any details because you're too young and I don't want you to think of your mother in any different light than the one you do now." John was looking in Joe's eyes with such conviction and power it was almost scary. "A man did very bad things to your mother before I met her and she finally got her revenge." John got up and went to the family room. He rifled through the dvds and found one of Carli. He played it hoping it wasn't too provocative. Joey joined his dad on the couch and they watched. He saw from the corner of his eye Joey wiping tears before they fell.

"She's so beautiful." He whispered. "Ami looks just like her."

"Yeah." Was all John could manage to say. They sat in silence watching the video, both wiping tears. Amelia came down stairs and sat in her dad's lap. Soon they were joined by Carol and John, his parents. They were up all night watching videos of Carli. Videos of her and her band, all her daredevil stunts, Joey's birthdays and finally a video left to Ami by her mom. They all cried and laughed with each dvd, remembering all the could, absorbing all the memories their brains could handle. Joe asked his grandparents what they remembered about his mom and it was funny and heartwarming to hear her from their perspective.

As the sun rose, they all went to bed. Smiling. It was exactly what John needed. Maybe that was the sign he'd been looking for for 10 years. The okay to let Carli go, let himself move forward with life. John called Emily when he woke and shared the previous evening's foray into Carlidom. She could tell it was a positive step for John and wanted to speak with Ami the next day at school. She was hoping this was the break the family needed. The closure sought by the children of an amazing woman.