Title: First Step (4 of 4)
Pairing: Lila/Reid
Rating: T
Summary: Spencer calls Lila after the events of 2x18 "Jones"
Author's Notes: Eighth in Deal Breaker Series. Follows Safely, Coming Home, Pain in the Past, Lean on Me, Courageous, Aftermath and Sorrow. Safely is rated definitely M for sexual scenes and doesn't have to read to understand the story. All others are more necessary and not rated as high.
She stretches out her legs after a few hours. She knocks on the bathroom, but he doesn't answer.
"I'm not mad, Spence." She tries. "I know you didn't mean to."
She rests her head against the frame as he doesn't say anything. The water turns on though and she closes her eyes for a few seconds, exhausted. It had been close to 48 hours since he had used and she felt years older. She gets to her feet and stretches before moving towards the couch. She thinks about turning on the tv, but wants to be able to hear Spencer if something happens. She rests her feet on his coffee table, trying to get a little comfortable. She pulls the blanket he's been using around her. It smells like sweat and Spencer and in some way, calms her. He will get better, she knows that. She just wish that he was better now. She wants to go home and sulk instead of being here, so close, wanting to be with him and not being able to because of her own insecurities, own stupidity. She thinks about the kiss they had shared this morning. She had enjoyed it, she had wanted more. He still cared about her and she loved him. But was that enough? Could get passed her feelings of fear? Did it even matter, what she had told him earlier was still true. He needed to focus on getting better. He needed to focus on beating his addiction.
She hears the water turn off and a few minutes later, the door opens. She turns to see him walk out of the bathroom in a towel, moving straight to the bedroom. He returns in basketball shorts - she didn't even know he had a pair of shorts - and a tshirt from the Academy. He looks in her direction before moving to his office.
"Spence, please. Come talk to me. We need to…. We have to talk about this."
He pauses at the door of his office and she holds her breath. He looks down at his feet before moving into his office. She sighs and leans her head back to the back of the couch.
Criminal Minds || First Step
She wakes up hours later and looks around. The office door is still closed and she gets up to go check on him. Luckily, it's unlocked. She peaks in to see him, head on the desk. As she gets closer, she sees he's asleep, pen still in his hand. She smiles, moving the pen when the papers on the desk get her attention. They aren't work files or academic in nature. They're just writings. She chews on her lip, unsure if she should look at them. She knows that he still writes to his mother and doesn't want to intrude on their communication, but she spots her name and her curiosity overwhelms her. She looks at him as she pulls out on the papers and begins to read.
It's fractured thoughts, anything and everything. He starts thoughts and then changes to about the pain he feels. He talks about anger and grief and Hankel and then move to how he feels about the team, and his dad. He talks about Gideon and then her and then Tobias and the guilt he feels for killing him. It's powerful and broken. It hurts her to read it. She sets it back down before turning her attention to him. She rubs his shoulder.
"C'mon, Spence. Let's get you in bed."
He wakes easily and pulls away from her, her touch. He stays in his seat though. She smiles at him.
"Hey sleepy head."
He just stares and her smile falters a little.
"Hey, it's okay. Look at me, I'm okay, right?"
His eyes move to her wrist and she raises her hand to his cheek, giving him a complete view.
"See, I'm okay. No bruising or anything. I'm fine." She brushes his hair behind his ear. He's tense, but not moving. Finally, his hand moves and his fingers brush against her wrist.
"I'm so sorry." He says, hoarsely. "I… I…"
"Shh." She hushes him, running her fingers through his hair. "It's okay."
"It's not okay." He says, shaking his head. "I never have the right to do that. Never, no matter what."
She doesn't say anything, watching him as he continues to shake his head.
"I shouldn't have done that. I lost… I wasn't in control."
"I know, Spence, It's okay."
"I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't mean to.."
"I'm not hurt, Spence. You didn't hurt me. I'm okay."
His fingers brush against her wrist and she moves and grabs his hand. "Look at me."
His eyes raise slightly. She smiles when he sees his eyes.
"I am okay and you're going to get better. I know that you would never hurt me, Spencer, I know that."
He finally locks eyes with her at her words.
"I didn't mean-"
"Shh, I know, baby. I know."
He rests his head in her lap and she keeps a hold of his hand while moving the other to his hair.
Criminal Minds || First Step
The next couple days pass without incident and when she wakes up for the fifth morning in his bed, she's alone. She rubs her eyes as she sits up.
"Hey." He says as he comes through the door with a tray in his hands. She watches him as he sits next to her, looking at the tray.
"Spence… you shouldn't have."
He shrugs, embarrassed. "It's the least I could do. You've been taking care of me…it's my turn."
She smiles as she looks at the waffles and fruit. "I took care of you because I wanted to, not because I thought I was going to get anything in return."
"Well, then, I made you breakfast because I wanted to, not because of I thought you needed anything in return for taking care of me."
She stares at him before shaking her head. "Thank you."
He nods and she watches him for a second. His coloring is back to normal and he's not sweating. He still hasn't shaven, but the look is growing on her. He's kind of got the scraggly hippy look down. She chuckles at the thought and he wrinkles his nose.
"What? I only had strawberries. I didn't know if you liked them, but I thought-"
"No, they're great. You're great. I was just… It's nothing."
He frowns, looking at the plate, before he starts to pick at his fingernails.
"Spence, really. I was just thinking that you looked good with facial hair."
He scrunches his nose again, his hand wandered to his cheek to scratch. "it itches, but I… my hands still have a tremor occasionally and I don't want to cut myself."
She takes a bite while he takes, nodding while chewing. "I think you should keep it. You look manly."
She watches him as he tries to figure out if he should take offense to it before she toes his knee and winks.
"Here, have a bite." She holds out a piece for him and smiles he takes it.
"It's pretty good, huh?" She says as he chews. She gets herself another bite as he swallows, his fingers moving over her foot.
"So… I guess, now that I'm okay, you'll.. You'll be heading home?"
She frowns. She hadn't thought about that. The show had finished filming for the season and she had thrown her chance at working on the film of her dreams away. She didn't really have any plans. She takes another bite, in attempt to not have to answer. She knows she can't stay here. They weren't together and being near him would be bad. She'd end up doing something that she could regret.
"Yeah. I…. I promise Dante we'd head to New York to look at galleries. He's trying to sell some of his art, you know?" She lies and he nods, not looking up. She pokes his knee with her toe again.
"But hey, you know that you can call me whenever you need anything, if you're thinking about using and I'll be here as fast as I can."
He nods, still not looking up.
"Spencer." She says, moving the trail and moving closer to him, to grab his chin and make him look at her. "Whether we're together or not, you're one of my best friends. I'm not going to walk out of your life."
"You never even called before." He says, looking at her. " Not once."
She bites at her bottom lip. He had a point. She had wanted to, but she had figured it was best not to. "Well that was… I thought… It's different now."
"Because I'm an addict." He says, self-depreciatingly.
"Because I was dumb, okay? I thought that I could just walk away, but I know now that I need you in my life."
She sees a hint of a smile and pats his cheek. "You need me too, right?"
He nods, slightly. "I need you too."
She smiles. "Good, good. Then it's settled."
He licks his lips and looks away. "It's settled."