Author's Note: Oh, hello again. I'm just putting this here to say that I know James and Lily got together in their seventh year. However, because Harry wasn't born until three years after they'd left Hogwarts, I'm disregarding this for my sake. If you don't like it...well then I guess you're rather stuck with having to deal with it so long as you're reading my fanFICTION. (; Also, I apologize now for the weird pacing of this chapter. Trying to get Sirius and Draco in the same position with their feelings is difficult considering...things. Yeah. So I apologize. Carry on now.
Potter, what in the world have you done to me?
Sirius was beginning to feel very much like an overprotective mother. Though James had gotten into some serious trouble before (between Quidditch accidents, encounters with Snivellus gone wrong, and practical jokes that had backfired, he was pretty sure that he had seen it all), he had never done something before that had left him unconscious for a full three days. And that scared him - that scared him very, very much. The jagged scar that had decided to claim its place on James' forehead was a daily reminder of what had happened, the damage that his best friend had sustained. And maybe it was that the scar was in a visible place for once, but now whenever James did something dangerous, it wasn't just Remus who spoke up in protest. It was Sirius, too, and (when he realized the other two were against it) Peter chimed in with his disagreement as well. The idea of something else happening to James during another one of his stupid stints was too much for any of them to bear - only now, Sirius was getting more vocal about his concern.
And it wasn't just that - he was also more protective of James in regular situations. Whenever Snape threw an insult James' way, Sirius felt the burning hatred twist in his gut as much (if not more) than it did when it was he who was scorned. When James skipped steps heading down to breakfast, Sirius felt his breathing catch with every stumble. During Quidditch practice, Sirius went down to watch more and found himself cringing when James did something stupid. If he was hit by a Bludger, Sirius was the first to rush to his side and the last to leave him alone. And every time, James gave him a curious look, and every time, Sirius couldn't find a way to explain himself. But his eyes always flickered to that scar on his forehead. Always.
He could tell that he was starting to annoy his friend, too. But he couldn't help it. Going three days without his companion had affected Sirius Black in ways that nobody pretended to understand. He was jumpier, clumsier, and around James, he was beginning to look stupider than ever. He flushed every time James referred to them as a pair; he brightened at his touch. And when James was hurt, he was all over him in an instant, checking his pulse, his head, asking him every question about every possible thing that could possible go wrong. Snape liked to joke that Sirius had finally snapped and started thinking he was James' wife. And for once, everyone else in the school was actually listening to the stupid git. Because that's honestly how Sirius acted - protective, overbearing, but still very, very caring. Everyone had known for years that he and James cared very deeply for one another. But until they were almost separated permanently, no one was really sure how deep that love ran.
It was almost sickening, really. If James sneezed, Sirius pulled out a handkerchief. If he coughed, the other boy immediately looked alarm. A complaint of a head or stomachache usually sent Sirius on the road to a nervous breakdown, and even Remus had to tell Sirius to tone it down every once in a while. "James is a big boy," he would tell his friend quietly. "Careless and stupid sometimes, but that's it. Now come on, Sirius, let's go get some food from the kitchens. That'll calm you down."
But even that never worked for long. His concern for his friend had reached an almost impossible level of insanity, and one day, after Sirius nearly hexed a fourth year who tried to give James something with peanuts in it despite the fact that he was slightly allergic, Remus was forced to pull his friend to the side.
"Sirius, what the hell do you think you're doing?" he asked, stepping in his friend's line of vision so that he would pay attention to him instead of James. Sirius grumbled something about stupid fourth year twits trying to kill his friends, and Remus shook his head, taking a tight hold on the other boy's arm. "Come with me, mate. We have to talk." Sirius nodded and moved to walk past Lupin to grab James, but his friend shook his head. "No. Alone." He went grudgingly, casting one final look in James' direction to make sure he hadn't died in the minute he was away. He hadn't.
Remus led him far from the Great Hall, down by the lake where several kids who had already finished their lunch were tossing rocks into the water. The pair found a nice, shady patch of grass to sit on, facing one another. Remus stared intently at his friend, trying to read his expression; Sirius refused to meet his eye and just started picking at the grass, knowing already what Remus was going to say. But he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want anyone to say it; he didn't want to acknowledge it.
"You've gone a bit mad." The only indication that Sirius heard him was that he had stopped tearing up the grass for a second before carrying on with his work. The two sat in silence a little longer. Remus let his friend let out whatever frustration was building inside him on the grass, and it pained him that he'd have to stop him in his work eventually. He knew there was something going wrong in there, something that had snapped. But he didn't want to admit it, and he knew Sirius was even more reluctant to do so. The idea that he couldn't hide forever seemed to dawn on Sirius, too, and he stopped picking at the grass to finally look his friend in the eye.
"I think I went mad a long time ago," he said, and he tried to force a smile and a laugh. Neither one of them bought it. He let out a breath and looked out at the water for a second, in doing so remembering all the times James had almost drowned in that lake. His stomach twisted. "I don't know why I'm doing it, if that's what this is about. It's more of a...a reflex now than anything." Remus remained silent, though, just staring at his friend critically. Sirius could feel his gaze, feel him silently assessing his words. But he didn't turn back to look at him. If he did, Remus would know he was lying. "It just sort of happens."
Silence again. It was killing him. Finally, though, Remus seemed to have thought enough about it, and he spoke. "So when did you figure it out?"
This caught Sirius's attention. He looked back at his friend. "Figure what out?"
"That you were attracted to James." Sirius was struck dumb. "Don't even try to deny it, Sirius. It won't do you any good with me."
The elder Black had gone back to picking at the grass, and Remus bit his lip, suspecting that he had gone too far. Silence washed over them once more. The young werewolf took the opportunity to allow Sirius to think and copied his friend's motions in picking at the grass and looking out toward the lake. He had dreaded one day having this conversation with one of them - James and Sirius were really a pair that were too close for their own good, and he had suspected that it had something to do with this for a while. He'd always thought that James would be the first one to give in, though. He was less stubborn than Sirius by far, and certainly brighter. But he supposed that maybe that had nothing to do with it - even now, in his silence, Remus could tell exactly what Sirius was thinking. He could sense his confusion, his frustration, his denial...Maybe James was smarter, but Sirius practically bled emotion. It was only natural he was the first to realize what was going on.
"Last summer," Sirius said suddenly, and Remus looked back over at him. He didn't say much more, but by his tone Remus could tell that his words weren't an answer, but the beginning of a story. Sirius cleared his throat. "Last summer," he tried again, "I got into a spot of...of trouble let's say with my own family." Remus nodded - he knew about this already. "And I moved in with James. His parents are generous, very, very generous people..." He trailed off and looked out toward the water once more, and Remus furrowed his brow. That wasn't anything he hadn't been told before. But he remained quiet; Sirius would reach his point eventually.
"One day," Sirius carried on, still looking out at the water, "we went uh...we went down to this...lake. And James..." He smiled and laughed, shaking his head. "James was being a bloody idiot like usual and he goes, 'Ay, Sirius. Watch this!' And the moron launches himself off this dock and starts doing all these stupid stunts in the air." Remus smiled. That sounded like James. "He ended up doing something wrong and he hit the water hard. There was this big splash and when the water settled, I couldn't see him, and I was freaking out...So I got in the water to look for him and he comes out of nowhere and pulls me down with him. I nearly drowned - I was caught off guard and he wouldn't let me out of the bloody water." He looked down at the grass and started picking at it again, his story completed. They sat there for a few more minutes, and then Remus spoke.
"Was it then? That you...that you realized it."
Sirius's shoulders seemed to tense, and his movements stopped once more. After a few seconds, though, he relaxed and nodded tightly. "Yeah. It was then."
Remus didn't push him anymore. They sat there together in silence until other students started pouring out of the front doors, finally finished with their meals. They were joined soon enough by Peter and James, the latter sitting down so close to Sirius he was practically in his lap and asking with genuine curiosity what they'd been talking, a grin on his face. Sirius immediately flushed at the contact, but he matched his friend's wide grin as he said, "Nothing important. Anyone else try to poison you while we were gone?"
"Actually, funny story. So after you guys left..."
James then dove into a story - or a lie, more like, probably in an attempt to rile Sirius up - and the only person paying more attention to him than the ever awe-struck Peter was Sirius, who was positively beaming at being near his friend once more. And even though he hit James roughly on the shoulder when his story ended and even as the pair slid easily into the playful banter they usually shared, Sirius had honestly never looked happier, and it would take a lot of searching to find someone who could look upon another human being with such admiration. Remus smiled at the pair of them before beginning to tear up grass again, listening to James go into yet another story to represent his bravery and intellect with Sirius interjecting every now and then to represent James' cowardice and stupidity. He laughed, shaking his head. They were quite the pair, James Potter and Sirius Black.
After that day, Sirius seemed to calm down a little bit. He was still wary of everything James did, but he certainly gave in to his friend's stupid ideas more than before, and he definitely wasn't anywhere close to hexing fourth years anymore. Something about admitting what he'd been so afraid of had released some of his inner tension, and he was visibly more relaxed. Most people said that he was just coming down from the fear of getting James in the hospital wing again so soon, but Remus knew better. Sirius was so afraid of completely losing it and having no one to turn to again if James was hurt that he was determined to never let him injure himself for as long as he lived. But he had shared his secret with someone now; now he had someone to comfort him if the boy he cared so much about hurt himself that badly again. Now, the thought of a hurt James wasn't as unbearable as before.
However, he didn't seem to have come fully to terms with how he felt. After he realized what was happening and admitted it out loud, Remus had always thought that he would become...well, Sirius Black around his friend. It was no secret that the boy was handsome, charming, and extremely flirtatious when he needed to be. With his sights set on James, it had always been predicted that he would try to draw his friend to him the way he used to do with the females in their year. But if anything, Sirius did the opposite. Every opportunity he got to be charming, he ignored. Every brush of the arm with James made him flush and a couple times, he even shrank away from it. When James asked to see him alone, he always gave Remus a fearful look, as if he was afraid James was going to figure him out and reject him the moment they were alone in private. And whenever he returned from these meetings with James, he looked very much like a frightened rabbit and James always seemed to have his jaw clenched, as though disappointed. It was strange - though Sirius was definitely more protective of his friend, he didn't put his arm around his neck anymore. They didn't walk shoulder-to-shoulder, and though they'd spent many a night on the common room couch together, getting lost together in homework and stupid games, they now made a point to sit in separate arm chairs when doing their work. Something had definitely changed. Their friendship didn't get any less strong, and if either boy noticed a difference, they didn't say anything. But it was less...intimate. Like they were afraid to touch each other. And it was this fact that made another private meeting between Sirius and Remus so important.
But Remus was coming to find that getting him alone was getting harder and harder. Since their last meeting, James hadn't let Sirius be alone with Remus for more than a couple minutes at a time. If Remus asked to see Sirius in the library, James insisted on tagging along, usually using some stupid excuse about homework to justify why he needed to be there. If Remus wanted to walk with Sirius near the lake, James claimed that some fresh air sounded nice. Even in the common room, James and Sirius seemed to go to bed and wake up at the same time, and they never left the company of the other if they could help it. And while Remus was very happy that James wanted to be near his friend, it was also very infuriating. There were some things they needed to talk about, and if James kept insisting on being at Sirius's side at every moment, that couldn't very well happen. So Remus had to take drastic measures. For the first time, he had to force Sirius to skip watching Quidditch practice.
It wasn't easy. At first, Sirius made a lot of excuses ("James needs me there! He plays better when I'm watching." "He's useless without me; I come up with some of their best plays." "We share that broom, I just want to make sure he doesn't damage it." "It's the one time I get to stare at him without it feeling creepy! Come on, Remus, really?") and then he made the ridiculous accusation that Remus had been trying to pull him and James apart for weeks. When he realized that there was no way to escape another heart-to-heart with his friend, he eventually gave in, but he warned that James wasn't going to be very happy about it. Remus decided that he could deal with it. This was more important.
"Well this was fun," James said as he finished his breakfast the morning of the Gryffindor Quidditch team's next practice. "But if you'll all excuse me, the Quidditch pitch is calling my name. Ready, Sirius?" He glanced to his right to see if the other boy was finished with what he was eating, but Sirius didn't look back up at him. He just continued to play with the eggs on his plate. James' brow furrowed. "Sirius?"
"Actually, James," Remus spoke up, and the other boy's attention snapped to him, "Sirius and I have something we need to talk about. But we'll be out at the Quidditch field as soon as we're done." James looked surprised - since he'd joined the team, he and Sirius had always gone down to practices together. He, again, glanced to his right to see if maybe Remus was just joking but Sirius refused to meet his gaze.
"Fine," he said suddenly, letting his fork fall onto his plate with a clang. "I'll just see you two afterward, then. Come on, Peter. I don't think you've ever watched us practice before." Pettigrew's eyes immediately widened at James' offer, and he was up and by his friend's side in an instant, looking at him almost hungrily. Sirius shot Remus a murderous look, but the werewolf just shrugged. There were more important things in life than Quidditch practice.
"This better be good, Remus," Sirius growled as he followed his friend back up to the Gryffindor common room. "I swear, I'm never going to hear the end of this. James is already annoyed that you keep trying to pull me away-"
"Hm, he's not jealous is he?" Remus teased, and Sirius flushed.
"Of course he's not jealous, Moony, don't be ridiculous. You're just being awfully pushy lately, that's all. You know how much James hates that."
Remus gave him a knowing look, causing him to flush again, before turning to the portrait of the Fat Lady and saying loudly, "Facta, non verba." Sirius raised his eyebrows. Had the password changed and he didn't know it? Evidently it had, because the portrait swung upon with a quiet, "Indeed." They then crawled through to get into the tower, Remus looking particularly amused. Not wanting to give into whatever game he was playing, Sirius refused to ask what was so funny.
Thankfully, the common room was empty when the two boys entered, making Remus's job of finding a quiet place where they could be alone that much easier. He sat down in an armchair and Sirius sat down across from him, staring at him critically. "Well?" he said, his tone bordering on demanding. "Make it quick. Quidditch practice only lasts an hour or so."
Only? How long did Sirius honestly think this would take? "Calm down, mate," Remus said with a laugh. "You'll be able to watch him play. I promise." Sirius still didn't look happy, but at least he didn't protest either.
"So what's this about? I already told you how I..." He looked around almost anxiously. "How I feel. I haven't hexed anybody. So...what's up?"
Remus laughed. "Well, it's not really a bad thing that I want to talk about," he said. "You're right. You've been doing much better. It's just...well, are things okay with you and James?" Sirius raised a curious eyebrow. "I mean...I don't know. Something just seems...different, there." No reply, but his friend did cast his gaze to the ground. So there was something wrong. "Did you tell him?"
Sirius's eyes widened. "No!" he said. "No, God no, of course not." Remus frowned.
"Why not?"
"Why not? Why not? Are you really asking me that right now?"
"Well...yes."
Sirius looked at him incredulously, as though he'd suggested that he get down on one knee and propose to his friend. "Well because James is...well because he's straight that's why not!" he said, blushing furiously. "He isn't barking up my tree, he doesn't play for my team, he isn't that kind of guy. I mean, I thought that was obvious, Remus. We've only watched him pine after that Lily Evans for the past six years." As he said this, the truth of his words seemed to wash over him, and he slumped back in his chair, defeated. "It just wouldn't work out. It'd just make things...awkward."
Remus smiled sadly. He thought something like this was going on inside Sirius's head. He hadn't realized how oblivious the two had been to the other's feelings until now. "I promise you," he said, "that James is completely open as to what 'team' he plays for." Sirius looked over at him, but said nothing. "And I also promise that Lily Evans is just...she's just something James is trying to prove to himself. If something more substantial, something within his reach would present itself to him...He'd go for it."
"Yeah? And how do you know all that? Been pulling James over for bloody one-on-ones, too?" When Remus didn't answer, he looked him full in the eye. "Wait, you haven't been, have you?" When he still didn't answer, he said lowly, "Remus..."
"It was before you confessed, if it helps," he blurted out, and Sirius leaned forward, interested. "And he never like...named names before. He was just saying that sometimes he felt like...like what he was chasing with Lily just wasn't...right. It wasn't him."
Sirius frowned. "And did he ever say what was 'him'?"
"Well...no. But he mentioned...ahh, I shouldn't be telling you this. He mentioned that other people - no names don't give me that look like I can tell you names. Merlin...He just mentioned people of all genders tickled his fancy and maybe he was batting for the wrong team. That's all."
He looked over at Sirius, trying to gauge his reaction. He saw a flurry of emotions run across his face - happiness, nervousness, hope, fear, amusement. My friend, he thought, the open book. Then, though, something crossed Sirius's face that looked an awful lot like pain. "I still can't tell him," he said quietly.
Remus sighed. "And why is that?"
Sirius established eye contact, and he was surprised to see that his friend was practically in tears. "Because I'm his best mate, Moony," he said just as quietly. "We're friends, practically brothers. I couldn't..." He choked on his words. "I couldn't risk that. It's not fair to him."
Remus wanted to argue. He wanted to push his friend a bit, tell him that James might really want to hear him admit his feelings, that hiding them wasn't really fair to him. He wanted to tell him that James would understand no matter what the outcome, that they were too close to let something like this tear them apart. But Sirius looked as though he might actually lose it if prodded, so he instead just stood up and walked to his side to place a hand on his shoulder. "Come on," he said soothingly. "Let's go to Quidditch practice." Sirius nodded and stood shakily, giving him a smile.
"Maybe one day I'll get the courage," he said softly. "But not today."
Remus nodded. He knew it would take a while. He just wished he didn't feel as though his friends were growing apart because of it. "Just do me a favor," he told his friend, and Sirius whispered quietly, "Anything."
"Hug him when you see him." Sirius raised his eyebrows. "You haven't touched him in like...a week. I think he's dying without it." His friend laughed rather shakily, and nodded.
"Okay. That, I'll do."
Remus grinned. "Good. I think it'll do you some good, too." He leaned in close and a flush rose up Sirius's neck as he said, "I didn't want to tell you this before, but you could really use some contact, too. You look bloody awful." Then he dropped his hand from his friend's shoulder and they made their way out of the tower, Sirius looking slightly happier than he did before. Remus smiled to himself.
His friends - he loved them, but they were idiots.