Chapter Four; Broken Bonds

a\n: thank you so much for the reviews! It means the world and I am truly sorry for the unbeta version of the last chapter and this one. i will make sure to post them once they are edited.

I own nothing.

Oddly enough I found myself in the one place I don't want to be; at the tavern. I hardly ever go in on my own, simply because I don't know most of the dwarves circulating the bar's floors. I'm not much of a drinker, don't get me wrong I like to drink as much as any other dwarf but I just don't see the appeal of it.

Maybe had things been different I would be partying with the others, laughing with my brother and being praised by uncle. Instead I am here alone, having no idea what the hell I am doing.

"One ale please. " The dwarf woman behind the counter eyes me for a second, probably debating if she should check for I.D. Instead she simply hands me the cup and walks away. I wonder for a brief second if I had come with Fili would she had look at me like that? Or maybe it's because I actually don't look a dwarf - I'm to damn tall and skinny, and my lack of beard hardly goes unnoticed.

I have never really fit in here but I can remember a time when it didn't matter. When all I cared about was what my elder brother thought of me. Now it seems I've even messed that up. I'm a disappointment to my brother and uncle.

I want to run until I can't feel my legs at more or until an Orc runs me down. What else do I have to live for? My best friend doesn't know me and my uncle would rather pretend I don't exist. Ma won't be around forever to comfort me. I'm going to be alone and that terrified me.

I sigh quietly and take a sip of the alcohol in front of me. Dwarves party around me, singing different tones and folk tales. "Kili?" I nearly flinch at my own name. I pray it isn't Fili or Thorin, I really don't have the energy to deal with them.

Instead Dwalin sits down beside me, a cup of ale in his hands. Dwalin has always frightened me, he's the tallest dwarf I have ever met, he's fiercely loyal and isn't afraid to chop someone's head to remind them. Not to mention the tattoos and body armor through out his body make him look badass. As much as I fear him, I cant help but look up to him.

I tip my head in a greeting and take another sip. "What are you doing here and this late, Laddie?" He asks, giving me a pointed look. I know he doesn't approve but right now I any find it inside me to care.

"The same thing you are. " I answer coolly, order another round.

He snorts in the back of his throat and slaps the middle of my back, "You and I are here in completely different reasons, lad, shouldn't you be finishing dinner with your mom?"

I glare down at the counter and shrug. I don't want to talk about Ma or the dinner that will forever haunt me. "She was busy. " I answer instead, avoiding the accusation in his eyes.

"Aye. "Dwalin turns away from me, eyeing the bar tender, "This wouldn't have anything to do with your uncle and brother being home then?" I scowl as a smile spreads across his lips.

I roll my eyes and turn to leave. I don't want to talk about this. I know I screwed up, I don't need Dwalin to remind me. Suddenly I'm pulled to a stop and am forced to sit back. Sometimes I forget who I'm dealing with. "I am not judging you, but if you dare walk away from me when I'm talking to you again, I'll cuff you upside the head, understand?" I nod and bow my head in shame.

Dwalin orders another round for the both of us. I know I shouldn't drink anymore, my head is already starting to feel fuzzy but I can find no reason not to. "I know it probably wasn't easy seeing them after so long Kili, god only knows how Thorin treated you. " he sighs and all I can think of is the way my uncle glared at me and called me a disgrace.

"He wasn't the bad. "I lie, rolling my shoulders in a shrug. There is no point is in Dwalin thinking any differently about Thorin. I know the two of them have been friends for a long time.

He snorts and shakes his head, "You are a horrible liar laddie, I can see it in your eyes. He hurt your pride. " Dwalin pats my arm, "Don't take it to personally, Thorin wasn't always like that. Years of grief have turned him into a hard ass. "

"Aye, he's quite the asshole. " The words slip from my tongue without my knowledge, however I don't feel bad about them. I can't. Dwalin only stares at me, his dark eyes portraying nothing.

I finish off the last cup of ale and push it away. I'm probably near drunk now, my head spins and my hands are shaking. I have never been drunk before, it's an odd feeling and I know I will most likely end up regretting it later but for now it's alright.

I don't think of my uncle or my brother and that's all that matters.

I'm surprised Dwalin hasn't said anything to me about my under age drinking. Traditionally Dwarves aren't allowed to start drinking until they reach sixty, I'm fourty years early. Maybe he's pitting me like everyone else and that just makes me want to drink more.

"Thorin does care for you, Kili, "Dwalin nudges me in the rib as he stands, "He just has an odd way of showing it. "I watch as his large form disappears deeper into the party before turning back to the bar.

So treating like shit is his way of showing he cares about me? No wonder Ma hardly talks about him. I push the empty cup ale away and lower my head in my arms, I can feel the tears building in my eyes again but I fight them. I am tried of crying. I haven't cried since the day Fili left, I knew Ma would need me to be strong so I pushed my childhood aside and grew up.

No it wasn't fair but I didn't care. My mother needed me and I was willing to do anything for her. I still am but I am beginning to question how she had allowed Thorin to just take Fili. My brother is only five years older than me but you could have sworn he is centuries older. He doesn't seem to remember how to have a good time, not once did I seem him crack a true and honest smile at dinner.

Has he lost it or was I to busy getting lost in my self to even notice if he had?

I clench my hair through my fingers and groan. I really should go home, Ma will be worried but I don't want to leave. Going home seems pointless and I know there will be more hurtful words and glares. But where else do I have go?

I put a few pieces of coin on the table and struggle to find my way to the door. I just want to run away. Would anyone really notice? Ma probably but it's hard to say what her reaction would be. I know she will be sick with worry, but the anger and the disappointment is something I know I can't stand to see on her face.

It's hard to say what Fili and Thorin will think, I don't know them. I haven't gotten the chance to get to know them. I thought once I knew my brother, he was protective and strong, but he was always gentle with me and always so patient. I know I ticked him off more than once growing up but he never pushed me away, never spoke ill of me.

Thorin was the father I had never known, I use to look up to him. He was brave, loyal, and strong. He always use to protect Ma, Fili and me without a second thought. He was king and uncle all rolled into one. Now all I can do is cower at their feet.

It's sad and my heart breaks. I miss my family. I miss my uncle and brother.

I must have found my way out into the snow because before I know it I'm standing in the shooting rang. The snow has finally stopped and the forest is quiet, with the exception of the wind whistling. To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I know I can't shoot. I can't even see straight but something still pulled me here.

I sit down against one of the targets and close my eyes, hoping maybe the snow would clear my head just a little. Instead I find myself remember something, apart of my childhood I have long since forgotten.

"What is it Fee? " I ask, clenching his hand through the knitted gloves. Fili smiles down at me, snow leaving patterns in his yellow hair. He seems happy for the first time since Da left.

"It's snow, Kee. " He explains, leaning down to take a bundle in his hand. I lean up into my tip toes to look. On Fili's gloved hand it looks plain and boring but when I look away from him to the ground, it sparkles with beauty. I have never seen anything like it and it memorizes me.

I release Fili's hand and run off into the white blanket. The snow is thick and strong, almost trapping me with its bindings. I topple over and lay down, looking up at the night sky. Stars are dancing across the sky, lightening the path home if we desire. Soon Fili joins me, his hand clasps into mine once again. "Why does it snow, Fee?" I ask, kicking my legs about.

He doesn't answer straight away, instead his eyes follow the flakes falling down onto the frozen tundra. "Uncle told me it was because the earth needed time to heal and bring everything back to life for the spring. It's like getting a good night sleep. "He explains.

If snow does that to the earth maybe it could help Da.

"Will it help Da?" I ask, turning to look him.

Fili's face fills with sadness and he turns away from me for a moment, his hand leaving mine as he sits up out of the bank. He bows his head and sighs softly, I wonder what he's thinking about. I sit up after a few moments and crawl into his lap, pressing my wet gloves onto his face. This seems to jolt him back, his blue eyes are wide for moment before they fall on me. "Kee.." he whispers, a small smile breaks across his face.

He's starting to frighten me a little.

Fili presses me to his chest and just holds me, he never makes mention of Da or if the snow will help him, but the tears falling on my furs are enough for me not to ask.

I'm jolted back by a loud crack in the sky. It startles me for a moment and then I remember that I'm supposed to strong and not be afraid of storms anymore, although it doesn't stop me from nearly jumping out of my skin when the thunder cracks again. I bite down on my bottom lip to stop the whimper from escaping, even though I'm the only one out here.

I slowly pull myself to my feet and begin to walk back towards town. I stumble to a stop as I finally notice there is someone waiting at the gate, they have their arms crossed. I can't tell if it's Fili or Thorin. It's hard to tell them apart in the dark. I just stand there, unsure if I really want to met one of the elders completely drunk. I don't really know at this moment why it matters.

"Kili, "Fili, I realize by the tone of his voice, calls down to me. He's worried I can tell, my brother has always carried a light firm tone in his voice and whenever he's worried it deepens. I hang my head as I make my way to him, swallowing whatever pride I have left. "What are you doing out here?"

"Just sitting." I slur, shaking my head in hopes to clear it.

If he's unconvinced Fili doesn't show it, instead he wraps his arm around my should to support me and helps me through the snow. "It's not safe to be out here on your own Kili, especially during the night. "He's voice breaks with worry and my heart clenches in my chest. Why does he always have to be so nice? Why can't he ever voice his frustrations? With me especially.

I want him to be angry with me and throw a fit. I want to know that he was upset about what had happened back in my room but he makes no indication that he even cares about it.

And it only ticks me off more.

"I know. " I mutter, cursing the shakes that now cover my body. "I just needs to get out and clears my head. "

I know I sound ridiculous but at the moment I don't care. Fili's arms are inviting and comforting and all I want to do is close my eyes and get lost in my brother's embrace. Some how we make it home and my some miracle I haven't made an ass out of myself, no more than I already have.

I hear my uncle strong footsteps across the wooden and barrier and shrink into Fili's side. I know in the state I am in, I wont be able to hold my tongue against Thorin, I'm afraid of the words that will slip out of my mouth.

"Don't worry, Kili, I'll protect you. "I don't know whether Fili is referring to myself or from Thorin, nevertheless it brings a smile to my face.

Thorin greets us at the door,"Where'd you find him?" Oddly enough there isn't an venom in his tone, there's only an underlining tone of worry.

Fili stopped us mid step, causing a spill of dizziness to creep onto my body. I mutter for him to stay still and lean deeper into him, "He was in the shooting rang. " he answered. He stepped around Thorin, brining me with him. "Don't uncle, we've done enough don't you think?"

I couldn't see my uncle from where my head was tucked in Fili's shoulder but I know the disappointment huff of his breathe to know he isn't happy with me and at this moment I don't care.

Ma must have gone to bed, for she hasn't embraced me within her arms and cooed me out of the dream like state I'm in. I'm glad she isn't here to see me like this, Ma doesn't deserve to see me drunk and barely able to comprehend anything.

Before we slip into the room, Thorin grumbles out, "Make sure he gets some sleep, we will talk in the morning. " then the door is shut and Fili and I are left alone once again.

Almost immediately I sober up, staring up at my dazed eyes. I don't know what to do. Do I pull away and thank him or just curl into his side and cuddle with him like I so desperately want to do?

In the end it's Fili that makes the decision. He pulls me over to the bed, orders me to strip and change. I do so quickly, dropping my eyes to my feet. "Into to bed, Kee." I swallow and climb under the furs, being comforted by the warmth with a lazy smile.

Fili hovers for a moment before spinning on his heel, "Wait! " I call out, grabbing his hand before he can slip away. "Can you stay with me?" I ask.

For a moment it appeared as though he was just to shrug me off, instead he kicked his boots off and crawled into the bed with me. Without needing to stop and think, I curled my body around Fili's and closed my eyes, allowing his steady heartbeat and his warmth to pull me under.