She sits in the bathtub surrounded in bubbles. She can't remember the last time that she took a bath. She sits in the silence of the bathroom trying to calm herself down enough to sleep. She barely sleeps more than a couple of hours a night anymore. She exhales, and realizes that her water is now tepid. She pulls the plug, and wishes that her problems could circle the drain as easily as her used bath water. She climbs out of the tub, and wraps a towel around herself. She dries off, and pulls on a clean pair of pajamas. She doesn't even consider drying her hair. She brushes her teeth, and exits the bathroom. She steps into the hallway, and finds a pair of hazel eyes staring up at her.
A little boy wearing mismatched pajamas stands in front of her in silence. She squats down next to him, and wraps her arm around him. The hallway is only illuminated by a nightlight that is plugged into an outlet halfway down the hall. He wraps his arms around her, and squeezes her tightly. As she inhales she takes in the scent of his shampoo. She lifts him off the floor, and carries him back to his room. She peels back his covers, and nestles him underneath them. She lies down next to him.
"Mommy?"
"Caleb," she whispers, "Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I heard a noise," he explains, "I thought it was a monster. It was just you."
"Am I a monster?"
He giggles, "No, mommy."
"Close your eyes and go to sleep," she cups his cheek with her hand.
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"Where have you been?"
"Away."
"I missed you so much," he adds.
"I missed you too."
"Why did you go?"
"Can we talk about this later? It's late, and you need to go to sleep."
"Are you going to stay?"
"I'm not going to leave."
"Will you stay in here with me, please?" He begs.
She runs her fingers through his hair, and kisses the top of his head. "Okay," she agrees.
She lies next to him in his bed in silence. She watches him as he drifts off to consciousness. He clings to her as he sleeps. She feels too guilty to slip out of the bed. She closes her eyes, and listens to the clock on the wall tick.
In the morning she sees her daughter off to school. Harmon heads to the door dressed in a suit, and a tie. He hesitates in the doorway. She sits on the couch, watching cartoons with Caleb.
"Are you sure that you're okay? I can have Allie come watch him if you have things to do."
"I have nothing better to do."
"Okay," he nods, and exits the house.
She watches the door as it closes. She shifts her glance to the little boy sitting on the couch next to her. She forces a smile, and plants a kiss on his cheek.
"What are we going to do today?" She asks him.
"Watch Ninja Turtles," he informs her.
"You don't want to do anything special?"
"This is special," he tells her.
"We could go to the park," she suggests.
"I just want to stay home," he replies.
"Okay. What do you want for breakfast? I can make you pancakes, or French toast."
"I want Lucky Charms."
"I'll make you bunny pancakes."
"Mommy, I just want Lucky Charms."
"Okay," she nods in agreement.
He presses mute on the remote control, and shifts his glance away from the TV screen in front of them.
"Mommy I didn't think you were coming home."
"I'm sorry," she feels her heart shatter into a million pieces as she tries to figure out a way to explain her absence to him.
"Can we go home now?"
"We are home," she reminds him.
"Our old home," he continues.
"This is our home now, Caleb. We live here."
"I want to go home."
"Me, too."
"Why can't we go home?"
"It's not safe there," she explains.
"Is it safe here?"
"Of course."
"What happened to my sister?"
"Abby went to school," Mac reminds him.
"My other sister. What happened to her?"
Mac ignores the lump that forms in her throat. She swallows hard, and looks her son in the eyes.
"Caleb, Libby died."
"She went to heaven?"
"Yes," she nods.
"But why?"
She shakes her head, "I don't know why."
"Do you miss her?"
"Yes."
"Does it make you sad?"
"Yes."
He crawls onto her lap, "Don't be sad, mommy."
That evening once both of the kids are asleep Mac slips outside onto the back patio. She takes a seat at the picnic table, and stares out into the yard. She hears the sliding glass door open, but she doesn't turn to see who it is. She doesn't shift in her seat, or even care to bother to find out who it is. Harmon takes a seat next to her.
"You have to let it go," he tells her.
She doesn't respond to him. She stares at the swing set in their backyard.
"It's going to eat you alive, if you don't."
She shakes her head, and her cheeks burn with anger. Her nostrils flare as she turns to look at him.
"I can't let it go. Some psychopath fleeing from a crime scene killed our child. We had to leave the life that we knew. We had to give up everything, our home, our friends, our entire life, just to stay safe. I am so tired of just playing it safe. I want to go home. I don't want to be here anymore. I just wanted to end it all."
"Your life, or his?"
She breaks eye contact.
"You can't change what happened."
"It doesn't stop me from wanting to," she insists.
"You can't bring her back."
"How can you live life every day, and pretend like nothing ever happened? We had to beautiful daughters, and in the blink of an eye one of them was gone."
"I have to keep it together for Abby, and Caleb. Falling apart won't help them."
"I guess that I am the weak one."
"I never said that. Sarah, don't put words into my mouth."