I went back to school. This was the right thing to do, the most inconspicuous way to behave.
By the end of the day, almost all the other students had returned to class, too. Just Kenji and Masato and a few others - who were probably using the accident as a chance to ditch - remained absent.
It shouldn't be so hard for me to do the right thing. But, all afternoon, I was gritting my teeth against the urge that had me yearning to ditch, too - in order to go find the boy again.
Like a stalker. An obsessed stalker. An obsessed, vampire stalker.
School today was - somehow, impossibly - even more boring than it had seemed just a week ago. Coma-like. It was as if the color had drained from the bricks, the trees, the sky, the faces around me... I stared at the cracks in the walls.
There was another right thing I should be doing... that I was not. Of course, it was also a wrong thing. It all depended on the perspective from which you viewed it.
From the perspective of one of us - not just a vampire, but us, someone who belonged to a family, such a rare state in our world - the right thing to do would have gone something like this:
"I'm surprised to see you in class, Tokiya. I heard you were involved in that awful accident this morning."
"Yes, I was, Mr. Tanaka, but I was the lucky one." A friendly smile. "I didn't get hurt at all... I wish I could say the same for Kenji and Masato."
"How are they?"
"I think Kenji is fine... just some superficial scrapes from the windshield glass. I'm not sure about Masato, though." A worried frown. "He might have a concussion. I heard he was pretty incoherent for a while - seeing things even. I know the doctors were worried..."
That's how it should've gone. That's what I owed my family.
"I'm surprised to see you in class, Tokiya. I heard you were involved in that awful accident this morning."
"I wasn't hurt." No smile.
Mr. Tanaka shifted his weight from foot to foot, uncomfortable.
"Do you have any idea how Kenji Yamada and Masato Hijirikawa are? I heard there were some injuries..."
I shrugged. "I wouldn't know." Cold. No trace of compassion or sympathy in my words.
Mr. Tanaka cleared his throat. "Er, right..." he said, my cold stare making his voice sound a bit strained.
He walked quickly back to the front of classroom and began his lecture on roman numeral analysis.
It was the wrong thing to do. Unless you looked at it from a more obscure point of view.
It just seemed so... so unchivalrous to slander the boy behind his back, especially when he was proving more trustworthy than I could have dreamed. He hadn't said anything to betray me, despite having good reason to do so. Would I betray him when he had done nothing but keep my secret?
I had a nearly identical conversation with Mrs. Giuliani - just in Italian rather than English - and Syo gave me a long look.
I hope you have a good explanation for what happened today. Ai is on the warpath.
I rolled my eyes without looking at him.
I actually had come up with a perfectly sound explanation. Just suppose I hadn't done anything to stop the van from crushing the boy... I recoiled from that thought. But if he had been hit, if he'd been mangled and bleeding, the red fluid spilling, wasting on the blacktop, the scent of the fresh blood pulsing through the air...
I shuddered again, but not just in horror. Part of me shivered in desire. No, I would not have been able to watch him bleed without exposing us all in a much more flagrant and shocking way.
It was a perfectly sound excuse... but I wouldn't use it. It was too shameful.
And I hadn't thought of it until long after the fact, regardless.
Look out for Natsuki, Syo went on, oblivious to my reverie. He's ready to tackle you in a hug for saving him. I'd be more scared of that if I was you. He's more gungho about why you did it. Y'know...
I saw what he meant, and for a moment the room swam around me. My rage was so all-consuming that a red haze clouded my vision. I thought I would choke on it.
SHEESH, TOKIYA! GET A GRIP! Syo shouted at me in his head. His hand came down on my shoulder, holding me in my seat before I could jump to my feet. He rarely used his full strength - there was rarely a need, for he was so much stronger than any vampire any of us had ever encountered - but he used it now. It was almost laughable considering his size, but most of those jokes were used up when he first joined us. None of them came to mind now.
He gripped my arm, rather than pushing me down, knowing how much more effective it would be. The other reason being that if he'd been pushing me down, the chair under me would have collapsed.
EASY! He ordered.
I tried to calm myself, but it was hard. The rage burned in my head.
Natsuki's not gonna do anything until we all talk. I just thought you should know the direction he's headed.
I concentrated on relaxing, and I felt Syo's hand loosen.
Try not to make more of a spectacle of yourself. You're in enough trouble as it is.
I took a deep breath and Syo released me.
I searched around the room routinely, but our confrontation had been so short and silent that only a few people sitting behind Syo had even noticed. None of them knew what to make of it, and they shrugged it off. We were freaks - everyone knew that already.
Damn, dude, you're a mess, Syo added, sympathy in his tone.
"Bite me," I muttered under my breath, and I heard his low chuckle.
Syo didn't hold grudges, and I probably ought to be more grateful for his easy-going nature. But I could see that Natsuki's intentions made sense to Syo, that he was considering how it might be the best course of action.
The rage simmered, barely under control. Yes, Syo was stronger than I was, but he'd yet to beat me in a wrestling match. He claimed that this was because I cheated, but hearing thoughts was just as much a part of who I was as his immense strength was a part of him. We were evenly matched in a fight.
A fight? Was that where this was headed? Was I going to fight with my family over a human I barely knew?
I thought about that for a moment, thought about the fragile feel of the boy's body in my arms in juxtaposition with Natsuki, Ai, and Syo - supernaturally strong and fast, killing machines...
Yes, I would fight for him. Against my family. I shuddered.
But it wasn't fair to leave him undefended when I was the one who'd put him in danger.
I couldn't win alone, though, not against the three of them, and I wondered who my allies would be.
Ryuya, certainly. He would not fight alone, but he would be wholly against Ai's and Natsuki's designs. That might be all I needed. I would see...
Ringo, doubtful. He would not side against me either, and he would hate to disagree with Ryuya, but he hated our banter the most. Despite that, I knew for a fact that his first priority would not be rightness, but me. If Ryuya was the mind of the family, the soul, then Ringo was the heart. Ringo knew when matters couldn't be solved using one's mind, that the heart was what was needed. Ryuya was more ruthless when it came to that, and let Ringo take over.
We all loved each other - in some odd way - even under the fury I felt toward Natsuki and Ai right now, even planning to fight them to save the boy, I knew that I loved them.
Haruka... I had no idea. It would probably depend on what she saw coming. She would side with the winner, I imagined. I hoped that she would side with me regardless.
So, I would have to do this without help. I wasn't a match for them alone, but I wasn't going to let the boy be hurt because of me. That might mean evasive action...
My rage dulled a bit with the sudden, black humor. I could imagine how the boy would react to my kidnapping him. Of course, I rarely guessed his reactions right - but what other reaction could he have besides terror?
I wasn't sure how to manage that, though - kidnapping him. I wouldn't be able to stand being close to him for very long. Perhaps i would just deliver him back to his father. Even that much would be fraught with danger. For him.
And also for me, I realized suddenly. If I were to kill him by accident... I wasn't certain exactly how much pain that would cause me, but I knew it would be multifaceted and intense.
The time passed quickly while I mulled over all the complications ahead of me: the argument waiting for me at home, the conflict with my family, the lengths I might be forced to go to afterward...
Well, I couldn't complain that life outside this school was monotonous any more. The boy had changed that much.
Syo and I walked silently to the car when the bell rang. He was worrying about me, and worrying about Ai. He knew whose side he would have to choose in a quarrel, and it bothered him.
The others were waiting for us in the car, also silent. We were a very quiet group. Only I could hear the shouting.
Idiot. You have no idea what an irresponsible fool you've made yourself. Have you even thought of the statistics? How many things could change because of your actions? You didn't think at all. Ai kept up a constant stream of berating as loudly as he could muster without it being yelling. It made it hard to hear the others, but I ignored him as best I could.
Syo was right about Natsuki. He was sure of his course.
Haruka was troubled, worrying about Natsuki, flipping through images of the future. No matter which direction Natsuki came at the boy, Haruka always saw me there, blocking him. Interesting... neither Ai nor Syo was with him in these visions. So Natsuki planned to work alone. That would even things up.
Natsuki was the best, certainly the most experienced fighter among us - not that he entirely knew that himself. I could only predict what Natsuki was going to do. His other personality, Satsuki, was more brash and bold. We hardly ever dealt with Satsuki. Only if the situation called for it, then we saw him. Satsuki was a controlled monster. As controlled as he could be at least.
I had never fought more than playfully with Syo or Natsuki - just messing around. I felt sick at the thought of really trying to hurt Natsuki, even if he was Satsuki...
No, not that. Just to block him. That was all.
I concentrated on Haruka, memorizing Natsuki's different avenues of attack.
As I did that, her visions shifted, moving further and further away from the Hijirikawa's house. I was cutting him off earlier...
Stop that, Tokiya! It can't happen this way. I won't let it.
I didn't answer her, I just kept watching.
She was the peacekeeper among us. Not one harmful thought ever crossed her mind.
She began searching farther ahead, into the misty, unsure realm of distant possibilities. Everything was shadowy and vague.
The entire way home, the charged silence did not lift. I parked in the big garage off the house; Ryuya's BMW was there, next to Syo's giant Hummer, Ai's Tesla and my Maranello. I was glad Ryuya was already home - this silence would end explosively, and I wanted him there when that happened.
We went straight to the dining room.
The room was, of course, never used for its intended purpose. But it was furnished with a long oval mahogany table surrounded by chairs - we were scrupulous about having all the correct props in place. Ryuya liked to use it as a conference room. In a group with such strong and disparate personalities, sometimes it was necessary to discuss things in a calm, seated manner.
I had a feeling that the setting was not going to help much today.
Ryuya sat in his usual seat at the eastern head of the room. Ringo was beside him, clinging to his arm as he scanned the rest of the room with set eyes.
He stopped and kept them on me after a moment, his bright blue eyes full of concern.
Stay. It was his only thought.
I wished I could smile at the man who was seemed like a motherly figure to me, but I had no reassurances for him now.
I sat on Ryuya's other side. Ringo reached around him to put his free hand on my shoulder. He had no idea of what was about to start; he was just worrying about me.
Ryuya had a better sense of what was coming. His lips were pressed tightly together and his forehead was creased. The expression looked too old for his young face.
As everyone else sat, I could see the lines being drawn.
Ai sat directly across from Ryuya, on the other end of the long table. He glared at me, never turning his cold and calculating stare away.
Syo sat beside him, his face and thoughts both wry.
Natsuki hesitated, and then went to stand against the wall behind Ai. He was decided, regardless of the outcome of this discussion. My teeth locked together.
Haruka was the last to come in, and her eyes were focused on something far away - the future, still too indistinct for her to make use of it. Without seeming to think about it, she sat next to Ringo. She rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache. Natsuki twitched uneasily and considered joining her, but he kept his place.
I took a deep breath. I had started this - I should speak first.
"I'm sorry," I said, looking first at Ai, then Natsuki and then Syo. "I didn't mean to put any of you at risk. It was thoughtless, and I take full responsibility for my hasty action."
Ai glared at me balefully. "What do you mean, 'take full responsibility'? Are you going to fix it?"
"Not the way you mean," I said, working to keep my voice even and quiet. "I'm willing to leave now, if that makes things better." If I believe the boy will be safe, if I believe that none of you will touch him, I amended in my head.
"No," Ringo murmured. "No, Tokiya."
I patted his hand. "It's just a few years."
"Ringo's right, though," Syo said. "You can't go anywhere now. That would be the opposite of helpful. We have to know what people are thinking, now more than ever."
"Haruka will catch anything major," I disagreed.
Ryuya shook his head. "I think Syo is right, Tokiya. The boy will be more likely to talk if you disappear. It's all of us leave, or none of us."
"He won't say anything," I insisted quickly. Ai was building up to the explosion, and I wanted this fact out there first.
"You don't know his mind," Ryuya reminded me.
"I know this much. Haruka, back me up."
Haruka stared up at me wearily. "I can't see what will happen if we just ignore this." She glanced at Ai and Natsuki.
No, she couldn't see that future - not when Ai and Natsuki were so decided against ignoring the incident.
Ai's palm smacked down on the table with a loud bang. "We can't allow the human a chance to say anything. Ryuya, you must see that. Even if we decided to all disappear, it's not safe to leave stories behind us. We live so differently from the rest of our kind - you know there are those who would love an excuse to point fingers. We have to be more careful than anyone else." Ai's glared narrowed further.
"We've left rumors behind us before," I reminded him.
"Just rumors and suspicions, Tokiya. Not eyewitnesses and evidence."
"Evidence," I scoffed.
But Natsuki was nodding, his eyes hard despite his discomfort of having to keep them like that. It was an obvious discomfort.
"Ai-" Ryuya began.
"Let me finish, Ryuya. It doesn't have to be any big production. The boy hit his head today. So maybe that injury turns out to be more serious than it looked." Ai leaned back in his seat with both arms crossed. "Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. The others would expect us to clean up after ourselves. Technically, that would make it Tokiya's job, but this is obviously beyond him. You know I'm more than capable of control. I would leave no evidence behind me."
"Yes, Ai, we all know how proficient of an assassin you are," I snarled.
He hissed at me, furious.
"Tokiya, please," Ryuya said said. Then he turned to Ai. "Ai, I looked the other way in Chauvigny because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men you killed had wronged you monstrously. This is not the same situation. The Hijirikawa boy is an innocent."
"It's not personal, Ryuya," Ai said through his teeth. "It's to protect us all."
There was a brief moment of silence while Ryuya thought through his answer.
When he nodded, Ai's eyes lit up. Ai should have known better. Even if I hadn't been able to read his thoughts, I could have predicted his next words. Ryuya never compromised.
"I know you mean well, Ai, but... I'd like very much for our family to be worth protecting. The occasional... accident or lapse in control is a regrettable part of who we are." It was very much like him to include himself in the plural, though he had never had such a lapse himself. "To murder a blameless child in cold blood is another thing entirely. I believe the risk he presents, whether he speaks his suspicions or not, is nothing to the greater risk. If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risk something much more important. We risk losing the essence of who we are."
I controlled my expression very carefully. It wouldn't do at all to grin now of all times. Or to applaud, as I wished I could.
Ai scowled. "It's just being responsible."
"It's being callous," Ryuya corrected gently. "Every life is precious."
Ai sighed heavily and his lower lip almost jutted out in a pout. Syo patted his shoulder. "It'll be fine, Ai," he encouraged in a low voice.
"The question," Ryuya continued, "is whether we should move on?"
"No," Ai said sternly, refusing any other answer. "We just got settled. I don't want to start on my sophomore year in high school again. Music schools aren't going to accept us after the first semester."
"You could keep your present age, of course," Ryuya said.
"And have to move again that much sooner?" he countered.
Ryuya shrugged.
"I like it here. There's so little sun, we get to be almost normal. It would be optimal for us to stay where we are."
It was rare for Ai to voice an opinion on where we stayed, so it made his words that much truer. Not that I actually cared.
"Well, we certainly don't have to decide now. We can wait and see if it becomes necessary. Tokiya seems certain of the Hijirikawa boy's silence."
Ai huffed in annoyance.
But I was no longer worried about Ai. I could see that he would go along with Ryuya's decision, no matter how infuriated he was with me. Their conversation had moved on to unimportant details.
Natsuki remained unmoved.
I understood why. Before he and Haruka had met, he'd lived in a combat zone, a relentless theater of war. Despite how happy he was all the time, we all knew what it had done to him. He knew the consequences of flouting the rules - he'd seen the grisly aftermath with his own eyes. He was holding himself aloof from this discussion - above it.
"Natsuki," I said.
He met my gaze, his face expressionless.
"He won't pay for my mistake. I won't allow that."
"He benefits from it, then? He should have died today, Tokiya. I would only set that right."
I repeated myself, emphasizing each word. "I will not allow it."
His eyebrows shot up. He wasn't expecting this - he hadn't imagined that I would act to stop him.
He shook his head once. "I won't let Haruka live in danger, even a slight danger. You don't feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Tokiya, and you haven't lived through what I've lived through, whether you've seen my memories or not. You don't understand." Natsuki was hurting himself with his own words.
"I'm not disputing that, Natsuki. But I'm telling you now, I won't allow you to hurt Masato Hijirikawa."
We stared at each other - not glaring, but measuring the opposition. I felt him sample the mood around me, testing my determination.
"Natsu," Haruka said, interrupting us.
He held my gaze for a moment more, and then looked at her. "Don't bother telling me you can protect yourself, Haruka. I already know that. I've still got to-"
"That's not what I was going to say," Haruka interrupted. "I was going to ask you for a favor."
I saw what was on her mind, and my mouth fell open with an audible gasp. I stared at her, shocked, only vaguely aware that everyone besides Haruka and Natsuki was now eyeing me warily.
"I know you love me, and I can't thank you enough for that. But I would really appreciate it if you didn't try to kill Masato. First of all, Tokiya's serious and I don't want you two fighting. Secondly. he's my friend. At least, he's going to be." She beamed as she spoke the last part.
It was clear as glass in her head; Haruka, smiling, with her icy white arms folded in front of her as she spoke on friendly terms with the boy, a kind smile across his lips in return.
The vision was rock solid; only the timing of it was unsure.
"But... Haruka..." Natsuki gasped. I couldn't manage to turn my head to see his expression. I couldn't tear myself away from the image in Haruka's head in order to hear his.
"I'm going to become very good friends with him someday, Natsu. I'll be very put out with you if you don't let him be." She pouted at him.
I was still locked into Haruka's thoughts. I saw the future shimmer as Natsuki's resolve floundered in the face of her unexpected request.
"Ah," she sighed - his indecision had cleared a new future. "See? Masato's not going to say anything. There's nothing to worry about."
The way she said the boy's name... like they were already close confidants...
"Haruka," I choked. "What... does this...?"
"I told you there was a change coming. I don't know, Tokiya." But she locked her jaw, and I could see that there was more. She was trying not to think about it; she was focusing very hard on Natsuki suddenly, though he was too stunned to have progressed much in his decision making.
She did this sometimes when she was trying to keep something from me.
"What, Haruka? What are you hiding?"
I heard Syo grumble. He always got frustrated when Haruka and I had these kinds of conversations.
She shook her head, trying to not let me in.
"Is it about the boy?" I demanded. "Is it about Masato?"
She had her teeth gritted in concentration, but when I spoke Masato's name, she slipped. Her slip only lasted the tiniest portion of a second, but that was long enough.
"NO!" I shouted. I heard my chair hit the floor, and only then realized I was on my feet.
"Tokiya!" Ryuya was on his feet, too, his arm on my shoulder. I was barely aware of him.
"It's solidifying," Haruka whispered. "Every minute you're more decided. There're really only two ways left for him. It's one or the other, Tokiya."
I could see what she saw... but I could not accept it.
"No," I said again; there was no volume to my denial. My legs felt hollow, and I had to brace myself against the table.
"Will somebody please let the rest of us in on the mystery?" Syo complained.
"I have to leave," I whispered to Haruka, ignoring him.
"Tokiya, we've already been over that," Syo said loudly. "That's the best way to start the boy talking. Besides, if you take off, we won't know for sure if he's talking or not. You have to stay and deal with this."
"I don't see you going anywhere, Tokiya," Haruka told me. "I don't know if you can leave anymore." Think about it, she added silently. Think about leaving.
I saw what she meant. Yes, the idea of never seeing the boy again was... painful. But it was also necessary. I couldn't sanction either future I'd apparently condemned him to.
I'm not entirely sure of Natsuki, Tokiya, Haruka went on. If you leave, if he thinks the boy is a danger to us...
"I don't hear that," I contradicted her, still only halfway aware of our audience. Natsuki was wavering. He would not do something that would hurt Haruka.
Not right this moment. Will you risk his life, leave him undefended?
"Why are you doing this to me?" I groaned. My head fell into my hands.
I was not Masato's protector. I could not be that. Wasn't Haruka's divided future enough proof of that?
I love him, too. Or I will. It's not the same, but I want him around for that.
"Love him, too?" I whispered, incredulous.
She sighed happily. You are so blind, Tokiya. Can't you see where you're headed? Can't you see where you already are? It's more inevitable than the sun rising in the east. See what I see...
I shook my head, horrified. "No." I tried to shut out the visions she revealed to me. "I don't have to follow that course. I'll leave. I will change the future."
"You can try," she said, her voice skeptical.
"Oh, come on!" Syo bellowed.
"Pay attention," Ai hissed at him. "Haruka sees him falling for a human. How classically Tokiya." He all but snarled in a mocking tone.
I scarcely heard him.
"What?" Syo said, startled. Then his booming laugh echoed through the room. "Is that what's been going on?" He laughed again. "Tough break, Tokiya."
I felt his hand on my shoulder, but I shook it off absently. I couldn't pay attention to him.
"Fall for a human?" Ringo repeated in a stunned voice. "For the boy he saved today? Fall in love with him?"
"What did you see, Haruka? Exactly," Natsuki demanded.
She turned toward him; I continued to stare numbly at the side of her face.
"It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not. Either he'll kill the boy himself" - she turned to meet my gaze again, glaring - "which would really make me upset, Tokiya, not to mention what it would do to you- " she face Natsuki again, "or he'll be one of us someday."
Someone gasped; I didn't look to see who.
"That's not going to happen!" I was shouting again. "Either one!"
Haruka didn't seem to hear me. "It all depends," she repeated. "He may be just strong enough not to kill him - but it will be close. It will take an amazing amount of control," she mused. "More even than Ryuya has. he may be just strong enough... The only thing he's not strong enough to do is stay away from him. That's a lost cause."
I couldn't find my voice. No one else seemed to be able to either. The room was still.
I stared at Haruka, and everyone else stared at me. I could see my own horrified expression from five different viewpoints.
After a long moment, Ryuya sighed.
"Well, this... complicates things."
"I'll say," Syo agreed. His voice was still close to laughter. Trust Syo to find the joke in the destruction of my life.
"I suppose the plans remain the same, though," Ryuya said thoughtfully. "We'll stay and watch. Obviously, no one will... hurt the boy."
I stiffened.
"No," Natsuki said quietly. "I can agree to that. If Haruka sees only two ways-"
"No!" My voice was not a shout of a growl or a cry of despair, but some combination of the three. "No!"
I had to leave, to be away from the noise of their thoughts - Ai's self-righteous disgust, Syo's humor, Ryuya's never-ending patience...
Worse: Haruka's confidence. Natsuki's confidence in that confidence.
Worst of all: Ringo's... joy.
I stalked out of the room. Ringo touched my arm as I passed, but I didn't acknowledge the gesture.
I was running before I was out of the house. I cleared the river in one bound and raced into the forest that lined the bottom of a mountain. The rain was back again, falling so heavily that I was drenched in a few moments. I liked the thick sheet of water - it made a wall between me and the rest of the world. It closed me in, let me be alone.
I ran due east, around the mountains without breaking my straight course, until I could see the lights of Sapporo. I stopped before I touched the borders of human civilization.
Shut in by the rain, all alone, I finally made myself look at what I had done - at the way I had mutilated the future.
First, the vision of Haruka and the boy talking like they've known each other for years - the trust and friendship was so obvious it shouted from the image. Masato's wide ocean eyes were not bewildered in this vision, but still full of secrets - in this moment, they seemed to be happy secrets.
What did it mean? How much did he know? In that still-life moment from the future, what did he think of me?
Then the other image, so much the same, yet now colored by horror. Haruka and Masato were still talking like true friends would. But now there was not many differences between their appearances. Masato was much paler than he was now, hard as steel, smooth as marble. Masato's eyes were no longer bright blue. The irises were a shocking, dark as night, black. Black that meant he was new to a world I didn't want him to ever see. My world. The secrets in his eyes were unfathomable - acceptance or desolation? It was impossible to tell. His face was cold and immortal.
I shuddered. I could not suppress the questions, similar, but different: What did that mean - how had this come about? And what did he think of me now?
I could answer the last one. If I forced him into this empty half-life through my weakness and selfishness, surely he would hate me.
But there was one more horrifying image - worse than any image I'd ever held inside my head.
My own eyes, black with human blood, the eyes of the monster. Masato's broken body in my arms, ashy white, drained, lifeless. It was so concrete, so clear.
I couldn't stand to see this. Could not bear it. I tried to banish it from my mind, tried to see something else, anything else. Tried to see again the expression on his living face that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence. All to no avail.
Haruka's bleak vision filled my head, and I writhed internally with the agony it caused. Meanwhile, the monster in me was overflowing with glee, jubilant at the likelihood of his success. It sickened me.
This could not be allowed. There had to be a way to circumvent the future. I would not let Haruka's visions direct me. I could choose a different path. There was always a choice.
There had to be.
.
. . .
.