Additional Author's Note: This was one of the chapters that originally felt kinda awkward and disjointed from the others. I feel like I wasn't capturing Garrus' true shock and devastation from Cai's death. Rewriting it was an eye opener and I'm happy to say that I feel like I captured his trauma better in this one.

Sometime during the night, Garrus had found the comforting slumber of oblivion. Slowly, his eyes opened with his arm around something soft. His tired eyes looked over and in the dim light of the cabin saw the familiar form sleeping next to him. With a flutter of his mandibles, a relieved sigh had escaped from his mouth. It had all been a dream. Cai was right here by his side, just like she always had been. Smiling, he leaned up blinking the haze from his brain. Every moment that it dimmed, he came back to the real world. In an instant, his illusion crashed. He remembered Cai was gone. For good this time. The haze his brain had been wrapped in had changed her pillow into her familiar sleeping form. It was a sick trick for his mind to play on him. As if it was burning him, he took his arm from around the pillow. He sat up, unable to be that close to her scent any longer. What he had once found comforting, at that moment, he felt suffocated by. Tears gathered in his eyes, his hand clenched into a fist and slammed against the nightstand shaking the alarm clock with the force of a tidal wave. He knew it wasn't fair to take his anger and grief out on the small table next to him, but he couldn't help it. The tears fell from his eyes and down his face in a river of sadness. He didn't care that his face or her blanket was now soaked and continued to hit the table each hit harder than the one preceding it. Despite his lean frame, Garrus was a rather strong Turian. When he heard the crack, his hand and tears stopped instantly. Carefully, he lifted his fist from the table and saw a hairline crack from the middle of the table leading outwards. Inwardly thanking his excellent hearing, he sighed. One more hit and it would have broke. He didn't know what he would've done had that have happened. Cai's belongings meant the world to him, and in his rage and grief, he had almost destroyed something he'd never be able to get back. Yes, he could have bought another table to replace it, but it wouldn't be same and he knew it. Looking over at the wall, the fish were swimming frantically in their tank as if they knew something was wrong with Garrus.

Sighing, he stood up and stood in the middle of the room, staring at the wall. They had promised, vowed to retire somewhere warm and tropical together. It was their plan, their future. Their plans of a family and a life together would never come to fruition. That thought brought audible sobs from deep within his soul. Without her, life seemed so dull. As cliche as it sounded, Cai Shepard was the one person that could bring color to everything around him. Before he had met her, he had just been going through the motions in a monochromic world as a regular C-SEC officer. When he met her and saw that color for the first time, he knew that he had to stay by her side no matter what. He had to have that color. To have her. Without her, he didn't know what to do with himself. Without her, his world was already turning back to gray. He looked at the door that led out of Cai's cabin and then at their bed again. He wanted so desperately to lay back down in it and surround himself in her scent. However, he knew that the longer he stayed in the bed her scent would disappear and be replaced with his. That's one thing he couldn't have. Garrus wanted to keep it locked up for as long as he could to preserve it; the last bit of her that he could hold onto. If he turned around and left, locking the door behind him, would he ever come back up here? Or would he just close the door and lock it behind him, keeping their memories locked away in the room as well as his heart for no one else to see? Debating his choice, EDI's voice came on the personal intercome that Cai's cabin held.

"Please come to the Combat Information Center as soon as you are able, Mr. Vakarian."

It was weird enough that EDI had called him in the first place but even weirder that she had used the intercom in Cai's room to do so. Usually, if an announcement was to be made, he would hear her voice all throughout the Normandy. If this was for privacy reasons, he didn't think that an AI could have an understanding of "privacy". He had finally made his decision, locking up the room seemed like the best thing that he could do. Once he had gotten her pets out of the cabin, it would remain closed, keeping all of who she was inside. It would be the only way to preserve her memory enough to keep himself happy. It wasn't fair to the other members of the team, especially to Elunaa, but frankly, he didn't care. He was being selfish and unreasonable, he knew it. Garrus wasn't stupid. Oblivious and obvious, yes, but not stupid. Elunaa would most likely fight his decision to keep her quarters closed

One last time, his eyes traveled to the bed and he was reminded of the last time they had lain together. Basking in the aftermath, they held each other. His claws trailed up and down the curve of her waist softly and she looked away shyly. Garrus was the only one who had ever gotten to see Cai with her guard down, to see her shy self. It was an honor that she trusted him that much, loved him that much. Did she even realize what she was doing to him? His hand rested on her hip and when she turned her head and locked eye contact; that was it. The kiss had been one of the most passionate that they had together. It was slow but needy. She had wrapped her arms around his neck and he remembered thinking how desperately he needed her in that moment. All while kissing her, he laid her down beneath him. Parting her legs by the soft flesh on the inner thighs, he looked up at her. Her cheeks were flushed red either from embarrassment or from the heat of the moment. Garrus remembers kissing the space between her neck and shoulder, occasionally giving it a soft bite. He knew her body like a well-read map and with every well-placed bite, a delicious moan was elicited from her just as delicious lips. She had whispered his name so sweetly, so seductively... How could he not give her what she wanted? Garrus had wrapped his arms around her body, holding her while he buried himself deep into her once again. Still sensitive from their first round just a few minutes prior, quakes of pleasure ripped their way down their spines. In a fit of heated passion, Garrus had slammed into her. He had had to hold her by the hips to make sure she didn't hit the wall. At that moment, they were the only two people in the world... no in the whole galaxy. They hadn't broken contact the whole entire time, and when her inner walls had clamped around him like he was so familiar with them doing, he had released inside of her. For the rest of the night, they had laid side by side happy with each other's company and existence.

"Mr. Vakarian?"

Garrus had been caught up in his memories and had forgotten that EDI had requested something of him. He cleared his throat and tore his eyes away from the bed. Every step he took towards the door was harder than the last. Garrus looked at the fish and the hamster. He'd be back for them soon enough. He closed Shepard's door behind him and exhaled a shaking sigh. Looking forward was the only thing he could do. When Garrus walked out the elevator at the Combat Information Center, he expected to be met with the memorial wall that held the names of fallen soldiers, but most importantly friends. Miranda Lawson, Ashley Williams, Kaiden Alenko, Mordin Solus, and Thane Krios-to name a few. What he hadn't expected, however, was to see the teammates gathered around the memorial wall, blocking his vision. Garrus looked at the backs of his friends, his blood turning to ice upon seeing the silver nameplate in Joker's hands. He hoped with every fiber of his being that the name on the plate wasn't the one that he was thinking of. Almost as if he was made of lead, his steps were weighted when he made his way to stand with his friends at the wall. On the memorial wall were new names, others that were lost in the cause, but died bravely. In the middle with high honor was Admiral Anderson. When he stood next to Joker, staring at the wall, Joker handed him the nameplate. Looking down, his breath caught in his throat. He had seen this name so many times, but never in something as final as this. Never engraved like this. Garrus felt the stinging behind his eyes and her voice in his head, the same way she had introduced herself that day, almost like she was reading the plate:

Commander Cai Shepard

Garrus couldn't swallow, he could barely breathe. He knew they were all watching, their gazes felt hot and piercing against his back. His eyes were glued to the nameplate in his hands. He knew that he had to put it there, under Admiral Anderson's name. A strangled sob came from Elunaa behind him. When he turned to look, she had covered her face with her hands, Liara and Tali were rubbing her back. No amount of comfort could make this okay, and they knew it. His eyes scanned the crowd of somber friends, every one of them was trying to hold back their tears except EDI. He was sure though that if she had the capability, she would be crying as well since she actually looked sad. His thumb stroked the engraved name of the plate. He read it over and over like the name was suddenly going to disappear or morph into something else.

"I'm just like everyone else. Mortal. I'm nothing to be revered, I'm just a Human."

Garrus recalled those words all too clearly. She said it, yet... none of them had truly believed it until this moment with the plate in Garrus' hand. She was mortal. He knew it, he just hadn't realized it. He wondered if she had found peace, what it was like in Heaven... or wherever. His thumb ran over the three letters that made up her name. So many memories in these three simple letters. So many feelings. His eyes looked passed the nameplate to the spot that awaited its arrival. Garrus knew he had to bring it over there, but at the same time, that would be the last nail in the coffin. He cursed himself for the analogy... it would... it would just make it final. Cai Shepard would be dead. For good this time. Cerberus wasn't there to bring her back. From the explosion, he didn't even know if there was enough of her to bring back. Garrus hated himself for letting the thought cross his brain. His squinted his eyes shut, trying to push the desire to vomit away. He was holding the plate so tightly, he was sure it was going to cut into his hand.

If she has to rest at all... I want it to be in peace...

Garrus took a small step to the wall, then another, and another. A strangled, choked cry came from the back of his throat. He hadn't wanted to cry in front of his friends, and that had been the product. With shaking hands, he placed the small nameplate above Admiral Anderson's. He put his hand on the plate and lowered his head, closing his eyes. Little drips could be heard every time his tear would fall on the floor. His shoulders shook with such intensity, it felt like he was going to break in half. It was final. Cai was gone. Thankfully, no one came to put their hand on his shoulder to try and comfort him. They were all inconsolable. There was no peace of mind to be had. No solace. No one spoke at all, not even the usual niceties of it's okay or she's in a better place. Facing the truth, everyone said that to try and convince themselves, nothing about this was okay. Nothing could ever make this okay. While Elunaa would end up taking command of the Normandy, even she knew she could never replace her sister. Nor would she want to. Cai was the last family she had left, now she was alone. When he looked at her, he could tell how lost she was. Elunaa had that same look in her eyes; I let her down. All of them felt that way, he was sure. He knew he did.

"We are here." EDI said. It was the coordinates that they had been flying towards last night. Garrus wasn't sure of what they'd find there. It was somewhere on Earth, and from the preliminary scans that EDI had done, she judged that it was mostly jungle. Sighing, Garrus tore himself from the wall.

I couldn't protect her. I let myself get hurt and I let her protect me. Her blood is on my hands. I don't have the right to ask her for forgiveness. If I was there... I might have been able to keep her safe, and if I couldn't... I would've been there with her.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered to Cai almost like she could hear, before heading to the bridge with everyone else. The door to the Normandy opened with its usual swoosh. Joker exited the ship first with EDI at his side in order to keep him steady. One by one, Garrus' companions made it onto the grass outside to stand around Joker. The sun was shining brightly over the mountains, signaling a new and beautiful day. Garrus squinted and shielded his eyes from the bright sun that assaulted them as he tried to adjust to the brightness. Through the fighting, death, and sadness he was finally able to see the true beauty that was Earth. This beautiful sunlight was something that Ccai wouldn't be able to see even though she was the reason it was here. Garrus looked at the scenery and pictured her standing next to him with that beautiful, rare smile that she had. He was sure he'd be staring at her watching the view then he would actually be looking at it himself. No doubt she would squeeze his hand and when he'd take her hand and lace their fingers together. No doubt Garrus would get nervous, his mandibles flaring giving him away. She'd smile and touch his scar which would make his heart beat faster. No matter what she did, holding his hand, kissing him, hugging him, smiling at him, or when she would laugh at him for making an obvious statement he would feel his heartbeat race and his pulse quicken. Internally, he felt himself smiling at the thought he had just conjured. He'd done that many times when Cai had died in the Normandy crash. He was sure that he had lost her before he could even tell her how he felt. The only thing that seemed logical at the time was to move to Omega and kill every evil son of a bitch that came after him. His goal was to go out blazing, to die fighting. At least he'd be with her... but she had come back. Garrus couldn't stop himself from begging her for another life, but Cai wasn't a cat. She didn't have nine lives.

Garrus... please move on.

How could I move on? You think I could love another...? I'd give anything... for just one more night together.

No other woman could compare to her beauty. Cai's brown hair had darkened over the years, but it would still capture the sunlight and shine brightly. Her bright blue eyes would gleam, just like when he had told her how he felt. Awkwardly albeit. A human. Out of all the Turian women, there were and he had fallen in love with a human. A strong, independent, beautiful, serene, badass, sexy, and let's face it; completely out of his league human. Shockingly, she had felt the same. The Commander Cai Shepard had fallen in love with him. A simple C-SEC officer. It was the small things he had fallen in love with; like when she would bite her lip when she was deep in thought when she tilted her head to the left when focused, or how terrible she was at remembering to feed her fish. Standing there with him, she would exhale and lay her head the closest her short frame would let her get to his shoulder.

"I love you, Garrus." She'd whisper. But no. It was none of that. He was the only one standing there. Nothing but an illusion summoned next to him in an effort to cope with not having her physically next to him. He looked at the grass under his feet, unable to stare at the beauty of the scenery any longer. It was beautiful, but...

It would be more beautiful with her beside me... holding my hand.

Garrus imagined what would happen after this. He'd take her with him on a walk while the Normandy was being repaired. They'd talk about what they were going to do with their lives now that this was all over. They'd talk about where they'd live. She wanted to live by the beach, but he couldn't swim. He didn't mind though. Turians were... not the best at swimming, and he was no exception. It would have been enough to sit in the sane and watch the waves and watch her swim with their beautiful baby girl. When he had slipped up talking about him wanting a family with her on the battlefield, his eyes had widened terrified that Cai would think that he was jumping too fast. After all... She would be the one carrying the baby, not him.

We'll have to see, won't we? After all... There's no Shepard without Vakarian.

With his eyes still on the grass, he continued to dwell on what his life would've been. The same as the life that he could never have. His whole world was turned upside down and inside out. It couldn't be anymore contorted if he had tried to twist it up himself. He knew he could never love someone as much as he loved Cai, or if he would even be able to fall in love again. What was it again? That term... Humans called that a "Soulmate" right? He didn't really think much of the term until he had met Cai. To be honest, whenever it was described to him, it seemed awkward and cliche. He knew the true meaning now. With her gone, there was no hope for his love. The vision he had of her with a ring on her finger and a baby in her arms disappeared more with each passing second. He exhaled and heard sounds above him, his eyes traveled upwards to see a group of birds.

"They look peaceful... free even." Garrus gasped and looked down by his side and saw nothing. He looked down. He had been so focused on her, not wanting to forget even the smallest detail of her, that she seemed to be there with him. Maybe he needed to check himself in to see a doctor. He was hallucinating too much. He heard it was possible to die of a broken heart, although many doctors still debated it. He honestly hoped he would and it would claim him quickly, that way he could be by her side sooner. What point was there living without her? Part of him wanted to blame Joker for leaving her, but... he knew that Joker was just doing what he needed to in order to keep them all safe, and in addition what Cai would've really wanted.

"I'm going back inside." Garrus said, not caring if anyone responded or if anyone even heard him. He walked back into the Normandy without another look at his friends, just barely catching his friends' conversation before the door cut it off.

"Do you think he'll be alright?" Liara asked.

"... would you?" Joker asked softly.

Back inside the Normandy, Garrus looked around. The ship seemed all too small and suffocating now. It wasn't like he was alone, the mechanics moved around trying to fix small things on the ship. Without knowing where his feet were even taking him, he let them carry him away. When he realized that he had arrived in the mess hall, he nodded. Right. Food. Maybe food would help him a little. He hadn't eaten in probably... three days. Maybe it could soothe some of his shakings. When he got further in the room though, he felt all the anger bubble up to the surface. He slammed both of his fists on the counter at full force, hearing another crack. Garrus was usually a gentle giant, but his filter to distinguish right and wrong was gone right now. Far, far gone. He knocked over items on the shelves, kicked a chair, flipped a table, and broke that counter completely. He slammed his fists against another counter and stopped, breaking down and letting his sobs come out full force. Footsteps could be heard and his friends had rushed inside. He turned and held Joker up by his shirt.

"Garrus!" Elunaa screamed while Tali was trying to pull him off and separate them. After all, Garrus could literally snap Joker's bones.

"It's your fault!" Garrus accused, with tears still in his eyes.

"I didn't want to leave!" Joker said.

"Garrus!" Tali called.

"Then why?!" Garrus yelled, shaking Joker not caring that he grunted in pain.

"We would've all died!"

"Garrus, let go!" Elunaa yelled.

"It's all your fault she's dead!" Garrus yelled.

With the combined effort of Liara, Elunaa, and Tali; Garrus was pried from Joker and EDI made sure none of his bones were broken. The commotion had caused some member of the crew to fetch Dr. Chakwas. Garrus would normally never hurt anyone other than the ones that deserved it; enemies. Unfortunately, right now in Garrus' fragile mental state, he considered Joker an enemy and with how frail Joker really was, that could be fatal. Dr. Chakwas had the others hold him so he couldn't attack Joker again. Soon, the mess hall was surrounded by members of the crew. Surprise marked all faces. Garrus resisted his friend's restraints and tried to attack Joker. The four managed barely to restrain him enough and he broke down crying, which caused Elunaa to cry. Dr. Chakwas had to administer a sedative to calm Garrus down enough. He stopped resisting and was able to be carried to the medical bay. When he was gone, Dr. Chakwas looked at Joker.

"Jeff..." She began, but Joker held up a hand to stop her.

"I know Doc... I know." Joker wouldn't hold it against him. He couldn't. If he was in Garrus' position, he would see him as an enemy too.