Hey everyone.
I hope you like this one & please let me know what you think. Just so you know I found really hard to write the sexy part in this chapter, so I don't know if you will like that part. But I'm looking forward to read all your comments, I think it's the very good part of writing this ff.
Have a great Wednesday.
Love in the Time of Cholera.
Elizabeth, New Jersey 1963
Being in front of a mirror may be the most cathartic way to learn about yourself, see your reflection and ask yourself if you like what you see or what you are or even the way in which others see you.
When I look myself in a mirror is like waking up from a dream and face reality, because inside I feel in a way, but when I look at my reflection I see a completely different person. And I speak not only the physical thing but also the emotional part.
I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror, it is as if a body and a face was usurping the place that belongs to me. I have a life that is not mine, a life based on lies and appearances.
But it feels good. Somehow.
It feels good to be part of a community. The people of this town respects me and know me as someone who contributes to the welfare of everyone here. I'm not the guy next door for people, I am a role model for some of the teenagers in my neighborhood. Which is funny because I never asked for be that person, but I guess that lies pay off at the end of the day.
And now I'm going to marry. With one of the most beautiful and respected women of this town. I should be happy because the purpose of every man is having a good job, get a good wife and start a family.
Except I'm not a man. Only half of one. I like to think I'm a woman with a unusual member in my anatomy, but let's say I'm different and that's something I can barely handle right now.
I look in the mirror and I adjust my red with black lines tie, I wear my vest gray over my white long-sleeved shirt and then my gray coat. I look handsome. But I also see a locked soul under a fake mask.
At least it was what Callie said.
Flashback.
Callie and I are finishing dressing up, we're in complete silence and tension is more than palpable in the air. She doesn't want to talk to me and I can see in her face that she's angry at me and sad at the same time. I don't want her to hate me, but this is what I have to do. This is my duty.
"Will you talk to me or we are going to pretend that what just happened never happened?" I ask cautiously.
"That's not exactly what you will do in three days?" She shoots back. "Getting married and pretend none of this happened in the first place." She turns and looks me in the eyes. "You're going to get married and will live the rest of your life being someone you're not."
"You knew that I was going to marry Lexie, I don't understand why you're so upset now." I try to approach her, but she takes a step back. "You said you didn't care and now you're mad at me and I don't want you to be mad at me, Callie."
"Does Lexie knows you're a woman and not a man?" She ignores my words.
"Of course not, you're the only one who knows." I frown.
"Then tell me what are you gonna do when you will be in the honeymoon and she wants to see her naked husband?" She asked me sternly. "What are you gonna do when she wants to remove your shirt to see your manly carved chest and instead she find a pair of boobs?" She keeps asking with angriness.
"I'll figure it out."
"No! You won't. Because we may be women, but we are so perverted as men and women like to look at too. And I assure you she will want to look at you, all your body, not just your penis!" She yells at me now.
"And what do you expect me to do? What do you want from me?" I yell back, she just shakes her head in disagreement. "I'm trying to do the right thing ..."
"The right thing for who exactly? Because as I see it, this is your being cowardly about who you are."
"Don't call me a coward. I am not a coward. I have no fault to be born in a fucking body that isn't mine." Her words touched a fiber in me.
"That's true, it's not your fault. But whatever you do then with your life, that's your choice." She approached me and takes my face in her hands. "Here you have the opportunity to get out of all this, to take your mask off, to be who you are and stop hiding yourself. You have a chance to be brave, walk with your head held high and defend who you are."
"I can't."
"Why not?" She walks away from me again.
"It's my duty Callie, I can't just forget my old life and start a new one, at least not in this town. I'll be lynched by my neighbors, that after my dad and my brother kill me off inside the walls of my house for ruin they perfect little family reputation." I try to explain to her but I know she won't listen.
"Then get out of here, go to another town and start a new life where no one knows you. Starts again. Choose yourself for once and not by what other people think." She suggests walking from side to side.
"I will not bail. I'm not that person. I do not run from my duties. I have given my word to Lexie and her family and my word must be fulfilled." I declare with conviction, but I'm not sure who I want to convince. She or myself.
"Then you're not the person I thought you were." She clean up the lightly tear that rolled down her beautiful face.
"Maybe I'm not after all." I said resignedly. I don't want to see her eyes full of disappointment so I look down instead. "Why do you care anyway?" I ask softly.
"Because I care for you, Arizona." She whispers to me but I didn't even look at her eyes. "That's why you made love with me, don't you?" In this my eyes are connected to the expressive brown ones. "You were saying goodbye to me?"
"I don't know what you talking about, Callie." Oh! But I do know.
"Do not take me for a fool, Arizona. I know you pretend to be a man but is really insulting if you want to see me as a fool now." She tells me angrily. Referring to what men usually think about women these days.
Callie takes a deep breath and walks toward me. She is inches away from me, but she doesn't touch me, she just stands in front of me.
"I know what's the difference between sex and making love, is something like a gift that we all women possess." She chuckles. "I know you, I know what means your touch and your kisses, I know when we are having a quickie with me when you come to lunch, and I know when you take the time to recognize my body every night, that's when I realize that we're making love."
"That doesn't mean you know me, Callie. You know me in bed but you have no idea what my life is and who I am out of that brothel, outside your room." I question her words.
"I think it's quite the opposite. You trust me, that's why you told me your secret the first night you met me. You didn't have any obligation to open up to me and tell me your truth, but you did it and eventually I got to know Arizona, not her false identity." She says. "So don't come here to insult me by saying that the connection between you and I wasn't real. I know you. I know who you are."
"I never said there wasn't such connection between you and me, but how can you say you know who I am, when not even myself knows it." I argue.
"I think you know who you are, you're just too scared to face it, accept it and defend it." She says softly. This woman is going to drive me crazy.
I shake my head, I know she's right but ... I can't. "I'm going to marry Lexie, Callie." I confirm and I can see the sadness and disappointment flooded her beautiful brown eyes.
"You're nothing but a coward, nothing more." She looks at me with pity eyes. "Probably less than that." She adds sadly before taking her stuff and walk away from me.
"Callie! Don't go like this, please." I beg after her.
"You don't need me anymore. The lessons are over." She tells me without looking back.
End of Flashback.
I can't begin to describe how I felt when she said goodbye to me, I haven't seen her since that because I haven't gone to TAO in the last three nights. I didn't have the courage to go see her after that afternoon. She's right I'm a coward. But I really miss her.
I haven't slept in three nights, mainly because every night I always fall asleep in her arms from exhaustion to enjoy and explore her body until the wee hours of the morning. But now all I can do is take Tequila at the bar until my brain melts and then return to this house, lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for the rest of the night.
I want her back, but this is what I have to do. There's no turning back.
"Why are you crying?" My mother's voice breaks my thoughts. I look in the mirror again and I realize tears running down my face. "You should be happy. Today is a happy day, you're getting marry, so smile." She orders me.
"I don't want to get marry mother."
"Stop it! You're marrying a good girl, is already decided and you gave your word. The word of a man tells a lot about his virtue." My mother tells me arrogantly.
"Thank God I'm not a man then." I scoffed.
"Andrew! You're a man, a different one. But you're a man."
"You could have fooled me mother. That trick worked like when I was eight, but not today. I'm an adult now, I'm capable to think for myself." I refute irritated with this conversation.
"Then why are you getting married if you are sufficiently aware of who you are?" She ask to me. Her condescending tone only annoy me more.
"You said it yourself, I have given my word and it's my duty to fulfill it."
"I think it's something else."
"Oh yes, and what is it?"
"Like being accepted by the people of this town, even if you're lying about who you really are, you feel like you're part of something." She says sternly. "You are willing to sacrifice who you are for being part of this community, you are ambitious and smart. You know this is the right thing to do if you want to be more than the weirdo of the house next door, honey."
She stands behind me so I can see her face reflected in the mirror too. "Smile and man up. This is your life, so take it and deal with it, as your father taught you." She puts her hand on my shoulder and walks over to my ear. "What did your father taught you since you were a little boy?"
"To be a good man in the storm." I said through clenched teeth.
"That's right, honey." She walks to the door of my room. "Hurry up, the groom it's never late, that's the bride's role and as far as I remember, that isn't you." My mother chuckles at her last comment.
I walk down the aisle on autopilot, there are people around me talking and whispering, but I don't dare look at anyone or even pay attention to what they say. I just want this to end.
I came to the altar, I take my hat and take deep breath then looked Lexie entry to the church. And she looks so beautiful in her white dress and veil on her face, she walks the arm of her father – who's a prominent businessman in this town - I can see the smile through Lexie's veil and I can't help but smile back because even though this is something that I don't, I sincerely love Lexie.
Maybe not as she deserves, but I love her and only because of her it's that I haven't through everything away months ago. Although now I find myself wanting for be someone else in that white dress walking down the aisle toward me.
Lexie comes to me and I shake hands with her father before facing the town priest. Father Harrison blesses us and welcomed everyone to the ceremony ... actually that's all I can remember. My head is somewhere else or rather someone else.
When it's time for the wedding vows, I return to my wedding again.
"You Andrew Robbins takes Lexie Grey as your wife, to love and respect her, in good times and bad, in sickness and health, for richer, for poorer, till death do you part?" Father Harrison asks me.
I bite my bottom lip. This is it. The final moment. The Moment of Truth. "I do." I say almost in a whisper. There is no turning back.
Lexie give her vows too and then I hear 'I do' too. She has tears in her eyes. But I'm not sure what her tears means for exactly. For a second I thought she wasn't happy.
I had no time to give much thought to that, the following words of Father Harrison took me out of my inner monologue.
"What God has joined together today, not man put asunder ... now you can kiss the bride." The old man says with a smile.
Then I remove the veil from Lexie's face and give her a chaste kiss on the lips while everyone applauds to the new union.
I'm married.
God I feel like I had wrung the heart from my chest.
Lexie and I looked at the crowd in the church and when we're almost at the door to leave, I noticed a woman dressed in black with a dark veil over her face. She then takes off her veil and shows me her face. My breath caught in my throat
It's my Callie. And her face is so neutral and free of emotions that I can't guess what she must be thinking.
She doesn't give me time to think something about it because the next thing I see is her leaving the church, I watch her walking away in the main street and then I see this man standing a few feet from where I'm standing.
It's Mark Sloan ... What are he doing here? He just looks at us, but more accurately Lexie, who when she saw him she stops in her tracks. I looked at her in confusion, but she just shakes her head before kissing me deeply as the flash of a camera captures the moment.
The next time I look at where the handsome man is, he's no longer there. Here's something fishy ... and I'm more than willing to solve the mystery.
The rest of the afternoon is spent on the wedding reception, the place is really nice, and I must say that Lexie did a great job with the entire organization of the wedding. I almost felt guilty knowing that I did nothing to make of all this, but to quote Derek ... 'men do not like that stuff, that's women's work'. A little arrogant and demeaning if you ask me, because I kind of like the decoration and floral designer and especially the music.
That's why I was in charge of good music that would acclimating the wedding reception. At the pace of Folk Blues ... Man, I have to tell you, this is real music!
But when night falls is where my head is at a crossroads. I know what will happen tonight and I really am more worried about how I will go through this, instead of thinking about how I will hide my true identity to Lexie.
Me and Lexie arrived at the hotel she booked for our wedding night, I still feel strange and nervous to reach this elegant room, but I can almost see the fear on my now wife's dark eyes ... that feels even more strange. My wife.
"This is really nice, Lexie." I break the silence between us. I walk towards small table has a bottle of chilled champagne and serve two modest glasses.
She smiles at me and accepts the cup. "It was actually Meredith and Amelia's idea, I had other things to care about for the wedding." She comes up to me and put her left hand around my neck.
"If you had told me you needed help with everything, I would have been more than happy to help." I say as I put my hand around her small waist.
"But Men don't like these things. I appreciate you notice the things I did for our special day though." She grins and leans over to kiss me on the lips. "That's one of the many things I like about you, you know? You're so sweet ... for a man of this age." She leans back in laughter making me laugh with her. "I love you Andrew Robbins." She said looking straight into my blue eyes.
"I love you too, Lexie Grey." Those words came almost sadly, but I tried my best to hide it.
"Nah-ah! It's Lexie Robbins honey. We are married and I'm over the moon about it." She laughs and kisses me tenderly.
"Alright Lexie Robbins." I smiled at her. "Will you dance with me, my wife?"
"Sure, my husband."
I turn on the radio and find the perfect song for us, Lexie put our glasses of champagne on the table right to bed, and she takes off my hat and with her hands around my neck while I do the same with her waist as we balance with the slow song that accompanies us in this room.
While I'm here dancing with who became my wife today, I can't help remembering what Callie taught me a few weeks ago. Callie taught me many things.
Flashback.
"Wait, how come you can't dance?" Callie looks at me with dismay and very surprised.
"It's a must to know?" I question as I spoon her.
"Of course it is." She turns to face me. "You've never go to dancing somewhere?" She frowns.
"I work all day in a factory, how you expect me to make time to go dancing?"
"Work is no excuse to not shake your body at least a couple times at month." She refutes smiling.
"Shake your body?" I laugh at her words.
"Yes shake! It's fun and good for the body and improves good mood and makes you smile more often. You should try it sometime." She says to me. "Dancing is a good thing!"
"Okay I understand." I say before kissing her deeply. "How am I supposed to try it, if I don't know how to dance?" I ask when I pull off the kiss.
"Lucky for you I'm a great dancer." She pecking my lips before standing up and put on her underwear. Her back is to me and all I can think is ... That ass does not quit. "What do you expect to stand up?" She called me when she sees that I have no intention of following her.
"I'm naked!" I say to her.
"So what? It's not like I hadn't seen your junk before." She laugh at what should be my look of shock at her words. "Come on! I'll teach you something else tonight beside of how to use your fingers on me." She winks at me making me blush.
Because indeed what she and I were doing before all this talk about dancing comes out, she was teaching me how to give her pleasure without using my dick but with my fingers. It was really good.
"Get up!" She almost screamed at me again, pulling me out from my thoughts abruptly.
"Okay, okay! Geez." I put my boxer in and my white shirt.
Callie turned on the radio and tune to a song by Miles Davis, immediately the piano and saxophone's sounds playing in the red room.
"Can we do this with a less fast song?" I ask still unsure of this. I can't even move without tripping feet and she expects me to dance to this beat so fast.
"It Miles Davis, slow isn't in his repertoire." She says. "Stop being a baby and just follow me." She put her right hand on my waist while I put my left hand on her shoulder, and our free hands join too. She takes a step close to me and I give one back. "In this position I play to be the man and you're a woman."
"That sounded strangely weird." We laughed as I try to keep up.
"The man is who has to lead during dancing." She explains to me. "Which is ridiculous, because women are those who make them look good on the dance floor." She laughs. "Okay now we change." She states, so now I'm the one who plays the role of man and I'm supposed to lead her. But it's somehow more complicated ... and not because I have to lead the dance, but because her breasts are right on my face ... I got distracted.
"You just have to relax." She tells me when I slip my feet again.
"Perhaps, my dumbness has something to do with your breasts distracting me." She looks at her chest before looking at me.
"You're a pervert!" She said getting closer to my body so her bare breasts are now pressed against the covered mines.
"I'm a silly girl by them." I took her breasts in my hands and squeeze. Eventually I managed to feel more confident when I came to touching her and she loves it.
Callie then tangled her hand on my blond hair and brings her lips to mine, I can feel her hot breath in my mouth, I close my eyes waiting for the kiss that we both want but never came so I open my eyes and she's there watching me with a smirk. She's a tease.
Then she goes to pull away but I would not allow her, instead I took her hips and crush them with my body, she moans in the abruptness, but she doesn't pull away this time, she instead gets closer and brushed my lips with her tongue. That's where I lost it.
I fiercely attacked her lips and my hands roam her body on their own. Her lips on mine feels so good, then I attacked her mouth with my tongue and she gives me a free way to deepen our kiss...
I'm not sure what happened, but the next thing I know I'm in bed without pants on top Lexie. I opened my eyes a lot when I realized what was happening, Lexie then starts kissing my neck and try to take off my white shirt but I take her hands and bring them over her head.
It's not like I can stop what is about to happen, so I look for in the nightstand a condom, I lower my boxer and I put it on. Lexie's eyes follow my actions and judging by the darkness of her eyes, I know she's aroused. The curious thing is that I am too, but I afraid it's not because of her though.
She approach the lamp that gives light in the room and turned off, so now the room is dark, illuminated only by the light of passing cars near the room where we are.
I start to kiss her passionately while my hands roam her body down to her panties, I take them off slowly before removing her black strapless gown. Now she's completely naked in front of me and all I can't get out of my mind is that this is not the body I've been seeing for the past two months. She is not the one I want.
I reconnect our lips while I positioned myself between her legs and guided my part to her slick center, she shudders once I penetrated her. I make sure to be as gentle as I can – because that's what Callie taught me – and after a time I allow her to get used to my size I start to push inside her with more momentum.
I keep Lexie's hands over her head as we merge steadily. I bury my face in her neck and heard her moan in pleasure in my ear. She squirms under me and her body starts to shake as she resists her hips against my cock. And I can't help feeling that rich sense of pleasure at the base of my belly.
I kissed her carelessly while my grip on her wrists tightened as her inner walls close around my length. I can't help it, but I will come if she keeps doing that.
"Andrew! More ... give me more ... faster." Lexie asks me with her raspy and arousal voice.
I do what she tells me and my hips raise up and also increases my need to release. Then I feel despite the condom how the warm Lexie's juices go around me. She arches her back and her body get tense, she closes her legs around my waist holding me there with her. That's when I come against to her. I give soft and slow thrusts and let the wave of pleasure burst through my veins.
After what seemed timeless moments I release Lexie's hands and pulled away from inside her. She takes her hands around my neck and hugs me hard trying to get air into her lungs. Moreover I bury my face in her neck and hug her too, but I can feel the tear running down one side of my face as the realization crashes like a freight train against my chest.
I'm in love with Callie.
Days pass over and I have been completely miserable since that night, but I have to man up and deal with the decisions I've made.
Lexie and I moved to a modest house near the town's heart and things continue as before, only now she sleeps beside me on the bed and when I wake up she has made my breakfast before going to work and she's there every night I get home. And we also share a gold ring.
I've also had to design a secret drawer in my part of the closet to store things that might reveal my big secret like the elastic band covering my breasts during the day. One good thing is that Lexie seems to not care that I never remove my white undershirt when we're being intimate.
She doesn't ask questions and I am beyond grateful for that. So I don't have to make excuses about it. She is not like Callie, she's not curious about the things we do in bed or even about my body – we usually have sex in the darkness of our room - that can be taken as an advantage.
She told me that she feels more comfortable with the lights off and that's when I took the opportunity to tell her that I feel more comfortable with my undershirt on. No questions or comments about it after that.
Days turn into weeks since the last time I saw Callie, the day in church on my wedding day, which is unbelievable because this isn't a big town, but since I work all day may be why I haven't seen her.
I thought about going to TAO but I don't want to be rejected by her. I'm pretty sure she still hates me for marrying.
And now I'm stupidly in love with her and she doesn't want anything with me.
I'm in love.
I never thought that that feeling would touch my door. But it did. And now the person I want is not my wife and worse than that is that she wants nothing to do with me.
I miss her. So much that my heart hurts even if I know that it's not possible that heart hurts for love - considering that the heart is just another organ that pumps blood and keeps you alive - but whatever it's, it hurts not seen her, not touching her, not kissing her, not laughing with her or dance with her or just falling asleep with her.
I miss her. Everything about her.
I'm walking through the marketplace doing some shopping for my mom and now for Lexie when the rich laugh stop me in my tracks. I look toward the source of that beautiful sound so fast that I think I could have done myself torticollis.
I look frantically between people. I know that laugh. I love that laugh. I look in all directions ... until finally my eyes connect with the browns in the distance. She looks at me and her smile fades.
I move involuntarily to her and I can see she wants to leave the place as quickly as possible, but I move faster.
We're out of the marketplace when I took her hand. God! Just something as simple as touching her hand makes a tingle scroll all over me.
"Wait!" I yelled when she tries to get out of my grip.
"Callie is everything okay?" Comes other voice. I look sideways and see the redhead woman. Addison I remember is her name.
"Let me go!" Callie barks at me with gritted teeth.
"I can't! You know I can't." I say in a whisper as I stepped closer to her body and her scent intoxicates me.
"Callie?" Addison asked again looking at me through her sunglasses.
"Give us a minute Addie. I'll find you after." Callie gives her friend the basket with things that they had already bought in the market. She waits until Addison walks away to turn around and out of my grip. "What do you want?" She didn't look at me.
"Can you look at me please?" I approach her but she takes a step backward. Breaking my heart a little more.
"What do you want, Andrew?" She asked firmly this time we make eye contact.
"How are you?" Was the first thing that came to my mind and she laugh. I actually had nothing planned to tell her once I saw her.
"You don't see me? I'm perfect." She says with a sneer.
"Can we go to a private place and talk?" I ask even if I already know the answer.
"No. I'm busy, I have clients to attend to." She winks at me and I know she just said that to hurt me. Which it does. "Besides you and I have nothing more to talk about." She barks and tries to get away but I took her hand again, I pull up her arm so her body crashes against my chest and engage our breaths. "Let me go." She said quietly.
"I love you." I whispered back and I can see how her eyes goes soften and crystallized. Her tears are about to spill. "I love you and miss you." I repeat, but she didn't say anything, she just looks at me tenderly.
She bite her lower lip the way I know she wants to say something, but she doesn't dares to say it... instead she say… "Go home to your wife, Arizona." She told me once that she manages to put back her emotions.
She walks away from me and this time I didn't stop her. Her mouth may say one thing, but her eyes, her eyes tell me a different story.
When I get home to my wife, I hear the muffled voices coming from the living room, I can distinguish clearly Lexie's voice, but the other voice I can't identified it. I took a detour into the house to get to the kitchen first and let the things that bought in the market before making my way to the living room.
When I'm close enough I can clearly listen Lexie's words to this person.
"You have to go. He'll be here any moment." I guess she's talking about me.
"We will see each other soon, then? You have been avoiding me Lexie and I hate when you are indifferent to me." The man says quietly.
"I want you out of my house now." Lexie said with gritted teeth.
"Lexie ..." The man is going to protest, but I choose that moment to make myself notice.
"Lexie?" I call out of the kitchen and find out who the unknown person, except that he's not unknown. It's Mark Sloan. And it's the third time I see him near Lexie. This is starting to bothers me.
"Oh hey honey, I don't notice when you arrived." She walks over to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek, but my eyes don't come off the burly man in my living room.
He looks at me with anger, almost with contempt. "Who are you?" I ask the man. I know who is he and I can be pretty sure he knows who I am too. He'd saw me walk into TAO almost every night for two months straight.
"Just a friend." He says.
"I didn't know Lexie had friends like you and I know all her friends." I tell him walking towards him. Lexie only holds my hand tightly.
"Maybe then you don't know her that much." He said firmly.
"Excuse me?" I raise my voice. I don't know why but I suddenly feel hot and I can say that my cheeks are blushing by rage. "Who the hell do you think you are?"
"Alright, Mark, I need you to go please." Lexie said to the tall man. "Honey?" Lexie called me but my eyes still connected the man in my living room. "Andrew!" She raises her voice now.
"Hmm?"
"Help me set the table, please? Your parents will come in a few for dinner." She puts her free hand around my neck and kissed my cheek again.
"I'm waiting for you to come out of my house." I ignored Lexie's request and I said to Mark.
He raises his hands in surrender and with a grin quietly get out of the house. It's only then that I face Lexie.
"I don't want to see that guy near the house or you, did I make myself clear?" I say sternly at her.
"Yes, dear." Lexie answered almost afraid. I then lean over and give her a kiss on the lips before going to the kitchen and get some water to calm myself.
My blood is boiling. I don't like this guy and I certainly like him near Lexie even less.
Sorry for the mistakes.