Chapter Four: Freeze

(Italics in the text mean flashbacks)

She changed quickly, crawled into the lonely queen bed, and pulled the crisp and cold sheets over her head, creating an artificial womb of darkness to hide in. She'd run, as usual. Run away from confrontation, from dangerous feelings and fears. One way or another, she'd run away from everything in her life for 5 years – from intimacy, from love and friendship, from challenge and family and life. Somewhere between normalcy and insanity, her heart had become a coward. She'd given up once, and only Miaka's wish had saved her life; something for which Yui was both abjectly grateful, and bitterly angry.

From inside, a dark and jealous voice cried out "Always Miaka! Miaka gets her true love, Miaka gets her beloved seishi back." Yui tried to suppress the voice, that bitter child of blackness that cried out over the injustice of it all, even though truly there was nothing unjust about anything. Still, hot and bitter tears stung her eyes as she stared into the darkness. She couldn't be a martyr to save her friend, instead her friend had saved her. She could not be the smart one, for always Miaka's simple heartfelt wisdom overshadowed Yui's cleverness. She could not stand in spotlight, for Miaka's light was always greater.

She had been feeling particularly self-flagellant lately, and laying on Miaka's bed while her friend tried on various outfits, Yui stared at the eight happy people in the photo on Miaka's nightstand. Finally interrupting Miaka's chatter about her upcoming date with Taka, Yui asked "Tell me about your seishi?" Miaka was startled for a moment, but then sat by Yui and pointed to each laughing face in turn, telling Yui about them in affectionate and glowing tones. With every superlative, Yui's heart grew blacker and more jealous. Why couldn't I have been acceptable to Suzaku? She wondered. Then all these smiling people would have loved HER, and not Miaka.

Her true secret despair was not that she felt unloved, but rather that Yui felt herself to be unlovable. It must be so, for her parents never made time for the child they'd borne. Phantoms, they'd left notes and allowance money, and mealy-mouthed excuses over phone lines from airports and offices. It must be so, for even without his sunglasses, Tetsuya's eyes were covered and dark, and as they understood less and less about each other, they became as strangers, and to escape the pain of imagined abandonment again, Yui buried herself in her studies. Yet early graduation with honors did not make up for the smiles Taka and Miaka shared. A lucrative job did not make up for Tetsuya's somehow puzzled apologies as he made his goodbyes. A beautiful view from an expensive apartment did not quiet the plaintive heart within her that hurt in solitude, pushed away from people, and yet wondered why she was so alone.

Yui had tried for so long to break away from her actions in the book, to try and keep them from defining her. Five years later, she began to see that she'd made the wrong choices. She'd ignored the issues that caused her to mistrust Miaka, that let her become the evil person she'd become in Kutou, and instead turned her back on them. In doing so, she'd closed herself off, allowing neither anger nor happiness to mar the false serenity of her demeanor. She couldn't figure out a way to change this way of life, no matter how much she wanted to. Despite all her efforts, she'd let herself be defined by her role in the book after all; instead of villain, she played the victim. A victim that never recovered.

So Yui pushed on through her life. Tetsuya had left her. So be it. Miaka and Taka were happily married. Great for them. Yui would make her own way.

She could forget about tonight. She didn't have to have anything to do with the Pendleton Agency and its models if she didn't want to. Starting tomorrow she could simply attend the shows and stay away from the social aspects. After all, Pendleton models were more print oriented than runway – she would be unlikely to encounter any of them if she avoided the social scene.

Miaka pointed to the redhead with a defiant yet humorous glint to his eye. "This is Tasuki. He could control fire and he could run incredibly fast. Maybe that's why he never got along with horses." Miaka giggled as if remembering a funny incident. "Tasuki was a dear friend. Everything was all or nothing with him. And yet, he could forgive anything…." Miaka's voice trailed off for a moment. "Except maybe himself." Yui found the statement so unusually profound for Miaka that she glanced up, but didn't question further. She didn't try to interpret the look Miaka gave her at that moment, prefering to wallow in her own pain rather than accept compassion.

She would retreat this time too. She would go to the runway shows, finish her assignment, and fly home. She would not let Glen Rowe get to her. His life was his own business. And he was Suzaku – they had all the luck, he certainly didn't need her help, no matter what he'd said to her. She tried to convince herself that no harm came from knowing Glen Rowe, and that he could do her no harm.

As she built her emotional walls, one inner voice in her cried in loneliness, anther railed in bitterness. But much to her own surprise, a quiet third inner entity reminded her of the smile on Glen Rowe's face when she acknowledged she knew him. The subversive voice calmly pointed out that Glen had done nothing to harm her, had tried to put her at her ease, had wanted to be her friend. She had once wished that she'd been Suzaku no Miko, and that all those people in Miaka's photograph had been Yui's warriors. Couldn't she take this one tiny chance to make a friend? And she'd been doing very well at the party before she'd let her fear get the best of her. Why not run with that?

Blinking, Yui stuck her head out from the covers to find light creeping through the window shades. Somehow, she'd fallen asleep. Her mind had kept on spinning and spinning while her body took its nightly refreshment. Groggy, Yui stood and stared at herself in the mirror. Maybe, just maybe, this was a chance she needed to take. She'd gathered the courage to cover Fashion Week in NYC, by herself. She'd made a good showing last night before she'd let her own fear drive her away. If she wanted to really make a name for herself, she had to push herself further. Dolores O'Hara had said Yui could become a star. She couldn't let herself shy away from that opportunity. And if she had to see Glen Rowe, at least he was someone she might be able to trust, and not one of her own seishi.

And maybe just once, Yui could stand in her own spotlight.

Fortified with hope for once, Yui gathered her toiletries and started a shower. As she washed, a daring plan entered her mind. She would go to all the events she'd planned to, even the social ones. And if she met up with Glen Rowe, she would let him be a friend. It was a very daring plan for Yui, who'd spent the last 5 years plotting ways to avoid people. It made her feel a bit giddy. Maybe Suzaku was looking out for her too, putting her in the way of one of His own. Yui could help Glen connect to his last life, and improve her own in the process. It couldn't hurt.

As she prepared for her day, she found her eyes drifting to the phone continuously. Did she really want to take that much of a chance? Did she dare? That giddy feeling seemed to have stuck around, for Yui found herself picking up the phone, fishing a phone number out of her packet of information, and dialing.

Two rings later, a pleasant female voice said "Pendleton Modeling Agency, can I help you?"

"Yes, my name is Yui Hongo, and I'd like to leave a message for Glen Rowe…."

Thanks to Kittylynne for the heads up on bad grammar and misspellings! MSWord doesn't understand transliterated Japanese!