When you forgive, you love.

Robbie slowly forced his eyes open, his vision blurred and out of focus, the dream slowly slipping away. He reached for it, dragged it back and held on to it was a vice like grip.

"Let go of it all and be happy."

That's what Val had said, let go. He knew she meant for him to let go of the past. Let go of the fear. Let go of the shame and be happy. Happy with who he was. Most importantly, happy with... "James."

"Robbie?" A hand tightened around his fingers, too tight, too small, "You're alright. I'm here, Robbie."

His vision cleared, and he turned his head, disappointment and then shame curling around his insides. He should be happy to see Laura. Should feel relieved. Should want to smile and pull her close and kiss her.

Instead all he did do was ask, "James"

Her face fell, and her tired red rimmed eyes became sad suddenly, something flickering in their depths he hadn't noticed before, but recognised far too well. "He's in ICU. Internal bleeding, broken ribs and right arm." She spoke as if she were filling him on a case, instead of talking about a friend.

But then, had Laura ever considered James a friend? Did she even really like him? His mind flickered back to conversations about and too him. Always light and with a smile. Always slightly dismissive. Always just a little too close to the bone.

A nurse burst into the room, followed swiftly by a doctor, introducing themselves as Nurse Dexter and Dr Collins. While he got poked and parodied, asked stupid questions like the date and his mother's maiden name, he watched Laura hover of to the side, her gaze never meeting his.

"Remember and ask yourself, are you being fair? You him, to Laura. - And most importantly, to yourself?"

"Mr Lewis?" The doctor said, drawing his attention from his girlfriend. Girlfriend in need, they were both too long in the tooth for such a youthful term, but Robbie hadn't quite been able to use the word partner, because he already had one of those.

Focusing his attention of the handsome young black doctor, he smiled, "My head feels like it's had a railway spike shoved through it."

Dr Collins nodded, lips stretched wide, "Completely expected, Mr Lewis, you suffered a rather powerful blow to the head when the car went off the road. Quite frankly, you are lucky to be alive."

"I know," Robbie grumbled, "What about James? Hathaway?"

The doctor's bright smile faded instantly, and he took a breath, "Sergeant Hathaway is still in critical condition."

Robbie couldn't help but shoot Laura a betrayed look, she'd made it sound as if he was going to be fine. When he looked at the doctor the man was whispering to the nurse. "When can I see him?"

Collins looked up, frowning, "You have a broken ankle and a couple of fractured rib, not to mention you've just woken up."

"I need to see him." Robbie insisted, ignoring the way Laura stiffened at the demand.

The doctor glanced at Laura then back to him, "Mr Lewis, I'm afraid only family can see Sergeant Hathaway at present."

Robbie pressed his lips into a thin line, fighting back the frustration and anger, he was practically family. "Have they been contracted?" He asked. Hr wasn't even sure if James had any contact with his family, he mentioned them so rarely.

"His sister is with him." Collins reassured.

His sister. Good. He hated the idea of James laying in a cold white hospital room alone. Robbie nodded, and closed his eyes.

When he opened them again it was just him and Laura, and the sun had shifted across the room. Laura was sat in a chair beside the bed, her head back against the cushion and her eyes closed. Robbie watched her guiltily for a minute. Val was right, she deserved better. But she'd waited so long for him, patiently hovering in the shadow until he was ready to move on. Move forward.

The problem was, he'd come to realise, he was moving forward with the wrong person.

It wasn't such a revelation. Not really. He'd always known how he felt about James, no matter how much he'd tried to deny it, but the lad, he'd been a cold fish. Never quite giving him the right signals, always keeping a part of himself back. He'd tried, one last time before moving on with Laura, and as always, he'd been dismissed, brushed aside. James had turned him in the direction of Laura, and this time Robbie had gone, had given up waiting.

Had he given up too soon?

Laura stirred, and Robbie braced himself. She opened her eyes, looked at him and smiled. It was that same bright smile she'd given him every day they'd been together, but which had never quite touched Robbie's heart, Not like Rory's, not like Val's. - And not like James's.

"Pet, " Robbie said softly, watching the smile fade. He felt like a bastard. A complete fucking toss. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to be anyone's second choice, or their safety net. "I..." He swallowed thickly, taking a breath. "I need to tell you something."

_(*-*)_

James stared, hardly believing his eyes. It was as if she'd stepped straight out of the photograph Robbie kept, had kept on his desk. He blinked but she was still there, smiling up at him from the bottom of the stairs.

Glancing to his right he found Will looking at him, sadness in his eyes. Then a set of arms wrapped around him, squeezing him tight. James blinked back tears as he returned the hug. "I'm sorry, Will." He whispered into the ghost's ear, "Forgive me?"

Will drew back, meeting James watery eyes, "When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines upon you."

"Jon Krakauer," James muttered softly.

"I forgive you James, can you forgive me."

"Of course,"

Will looked away, staring sadly down the stairs. "Can you...forgive him."

James didn't need to ask who Will meant, "Yes, Will." He said, squeezing his friends shoulder.

"It's time for you to go, Will," Mrs Lewis said gently, "Someone is waiting for you."

Will's eyes widened, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Looking back to James he smiles, "Goodbye James." Getting to his feet he rested his hand on James shoulder for a long moment, then he turned away, walking back towards the bedroom. He never reached it, fading away before James's eyes.

"Shall we?" Mrs Lewis said from the ground floor, her hand outstretched to him.

Taking a deep breath, James pulled himself to his feet and made his way down the stairs, slow and full of caution.

It can't be a good sign that his ex-boss - and the man he's spent the last seven years being in love with, - dead wife has cine to take him on some kind of journey through his present. Was she going to show him just how pointless his feeling for her husband were? Show him that while he was in a coma, Robbie was safe and warm in his Laura's arms.

Reaching the bottom, he licked at his lips nervously and incline his head in greeting, "Mrs Lewis."

The older woman stared at him, her brown eyes flickering between his blue ones. Then she smiled, warm and bright, "Call me Val." She insisted, slipping her hand around his arm and leading him towards the door. "You're taller in person," she observed, " And far too skinny, you need to eat more."

James stared down at her, brows pinched together in confusion. "Yes, ma'am, " was all he could think to say.

The door opened unaided and the pair stepped through. James squinted against the sudden intense light, and when his vision finally cleared, he found himself stood back in his hospital room, staring at his own unconscious body.

He watched the heart monitor as it proved rather unsteadily that he was still alive. Then he was being gently tugged away and out of the room, down the bustling corridor, unseen by the staff.

They walked in silence which only made him grow increasingly anxious. "Mrs Lewis,"

"Val." She insisted again, and James shook his head.

"I'm sorry, I can't call you that, it feels...wrong." He waited for her to argue, but she only inclined her head and remained silent. Taking a breath, James continued, "Mrs Lewis, why are you here?"

The woman smiled, patting his arm reassuringly, "I'm here to teach you a few things. Didn't Will explain."

"He mentioned something about a Christmas carol."

Mrs Lewis chuckled, "That'll make me the ghost of Christmas present then."

"I guess so." He replied, nervously.

"It's pretty apt I suppose. - ah, here we are, come on." She nodded towards a door before stepping through it, literally.

James glancing around, looking at the unfamiliar staff scattered around. Hr startles when a Mrs Lewis's face popped back though the door.

"I said, come on. This is too important to miss." With that she reached through the door and wrapped her fingers around his wrist and yanked him in after her.

On the other side James inhaled deeply as they came to a stop inches from the end of Robbie's bed. He was sat up, face battered and torn, pale as death and with his arm wrapped in plaster. Beside him sat Laura, sadness and worry in her eyes.

"I should have known it would happen, I suppose." Laura said, voice wavering and wet with tears, "Things haven't been how I expected." She whispered, "the fantasy not living up to the reality."

James frowned, looking from Laura to Robbie to Mrs Lewis.

"I'm sorry pet." Robbie said sincerely, "I never planned for any of this."

Laura looked at him angrily, "Didn't you?"

"Laura," he sighed, "You know I didn't."

"Then why is it happening Robbie?"

Robbie looked at his hands and then towards the end of the bed, "Because we all deserve to be happy, pet, and I can't make you happy when..."

"When you're in love with someone else." She finished bitterly.

James heart skipped a beat, only for his brain to forcibly remind him that Robbie wasn't, couldn't be talking about him. They more likely meant Mrs Lewis. Obviously, Robbie hadn't been as ready to move on as he believed he was. Clearly Robbie was going to me the kind of man who never loved again.

"I'm sorry."

Laura huffed out and angry breath and got to her feet, shoving the chair back a few inches and them marching around the bed. "Stopped saying sorry!" She snapped furiously, heading for the window, bracing herself on the ledge, head hanging forwards as her shoulders shook. "Does he know?"

James frowned, looking back to his ex-boss.

"I doubt it, oblivious sod he is. - Then I haven't been particularly insightful where he was, is concerned."

"And if he doesn't wake up?" Laura asked bluntly, looking over at him, red rimmed eyes filled with heartache, "Will you want me then?"

Robbie glared at her, "He'll wake up. As soon as he's ready," he looked to the end of the bed, "he'll wake up"

James heart did that stuttering thing again and he sucked in an unexpected breath. He couldn't possibly see him, could he?

As if reason his mind, Mrs Lewis muttered, "He can't see you."

James's shoulder slumped sadly, his eyes shifting to the white blanket coving Robbie's feet.

Laura turned back to the window, shaking her head, "of course he will. - But..." She turned, once again, "Robbie you don't even know if he returns your feelings? Have you even seen him with a man?"

The air left James's lungs, his eyes snapping back to stare at Robbie, Mrs Lewis's hand on his arm.

"No, but that doesn't mean anything," Robbie insisted, "I rarely ever saw him with a lass either."

"Rarely, but not never." Laura countered sharply, and Robbie flinched, suddenly doubtful.

James moved to take a step forward, only to freeze, shaking his head. A paused for a second and then slowly began to back up, away from the bed, "No." he muttered, shaking his head, "This isn't real." his heart ached, and the tears filled his eyes.

"Of course, it's real." Mrs. Lewis reassured quietly, reaching out to touch his arm.

James flinched away from it, "No. This can't be real. Rob… He'd never…" he looked at the woman, betrayed and guilty, "I'm being punished, aren't I? This is my torment. Showing me what I really want but can never have."

Mrs. Lewis's face fell, eyes filled with sadness, "Oh, lad, no. No, this isn't a punishment." she stepped closer, only for James to skirt around her and made a dash for the door. He paused, glancing back longingly at Robbie before bursting through it, ignoring Mrs. Lewis's calls for him to stop

_(*-*)_

Robbie stared at Laura, his chest aching with guilt and regret. He never wanted to hurt her, that was the last thing he'd ever planned to do. He cared for her, deeply, just… He just didn't love her, not the way he'd loved Val, or Rory…. Or James.

She was right though, he had no proof that James would feel the same, not proof that James even liked men. Nothing but Val's words and a faith he didn't think he had in him anymore. Val wouldn't have forced him to face his past and his feelings for James if there weren't a chance that James would feel the same. That would be cruel, and his Val was never cruel.

There was the thought in the back of his mind, whispering that none of it had been real, that it had all a trick his mind had played on him, giving him visions of what he wanted most. - And yes, they could very well be true. It's what his rational mind insisted. However, that didn't change the fact that his subconscious, if that's what it truly had been, hadn't shown him Laura. Val hadn't congratulated him on finding love again with such a kind, funny, beautiful woman. No, she's told him he was being safe. That he'd never be happy with her because she wasn't what he really wanted. So even if it were all just his mind, his mind was telling him the truth when he most needed to hear it. He didn't love Laura, and he was well on his way to a cool, uneventful future.

"Whether he feels the same or not, Laura, is irrelevant." Robbie said, staring down at his hands, his forefinger picking at the hangnail on his thumb.

"Irrelevant? How is it irrelevant, Robbie? You're ending our relationship on the off chance that Hathaway has some secret gay crush on you!" she spat coldly.

Robbie looked at her, biting back the anger her words and tone ignited inside him, because she was perfectly right to be angry at him. "It's irrelevant, Laura, because…" he sighed, wishing he didn't have to say it, wishing she'd just have accepted his decision with grace and a cool understanding. - That she hadn't have cared for him more than he cared for her. "…because I don't love you Laura." he said quietly, voice breaking on the words.

Laura inhaled sharply, eyes wide and glistening with angry unshed tears, "Funny, you said you did."

Robbie hated himself, hated it all. "I… - I lied, I'm sorry. - I… I thought that I'd grow to love you. That if I said it enough it would become the truth, I'm…"

Laura turned her back on him, head falling into her hands and her shoulders shook as she wept silently. Robbie turned his eyes away, unable to watch. He didn't deserve Laura, she was too good for him. - And he didn't deserve James, either. He didn't deserve to be happy when all he did was cause so much pain in those he cared for.

The memory of James in his car before the accident came back to him. The look of tired painful resignation on his face. The soppy way he'd looked at him, only to turn away with a regretful sigh. The dark shadows under his eyes, the paleness of his skin, he hadn't been taking care of himself.

"So that's it?" Laura said, voice wrecked and straining to maintain some semblance of stability, "It's over, whether James wants you or not?"

Robbie looked up from his hands, nodding, "I'm sorry."

Laura stared at him, lips a thin line, hands shoved deep into the pockets of her trousers, probably so he can't see them shaking, "Sorry is just a word Robbie." She said bitterly. She marched around the bed and grabbed her coat and bag, holding them both firmly against her chest. Looking back at him, Laura swallowed, "I'm glad you're not dead." She said coldly. Robbie flinched at the flat unfeeling delivery. "Though, it might have hurt less to have you on my table than in my bed," she added, violently yanking open the door and storming out of the room, letting it slowly close behind her.

Alone, Robbie slumped back against the pillows and closed his eyes, wariness pulling him back to sleep.

_(*-*)_

James blinked as the bright light of the hospital dimmed to reveal a dark urban landscape, unfamiliar to him. He looked confused, at the people strolling merrily past him, seemingly ignorant of his presence. A young woman with a large old Silvercross pram strolled past him, her hair backcombed into a small beehive and her shirt barely visible beneath the hem of her brown thick coat. He looked to his right, frowning at a young man with dirt on his face and overalls, a tin lunchbox in his hand. He turned in a wide circle to stare around him.

Off in the distance he could see large chimney stacks, towering over the city. The sky above them dark from the smoke billowing out of them. In the other direction he could see the Tyne Bridge. James's head began to spin, and his heart was racing. A hand on his arm, made him jump out of his skin, he turned to stare wide eyes down at Valarie Lewis. "W-where are we?"

"The past." She said softly, looking around, her lip curling up at two small boys who came speeding past them, not a care in the world.

James shook his head, looking back to the Bridge, "Are you supposed to be showing me the present?" he accused.

"I was, but apparently, you need another trip into the past." She scolded, looking up at him with a raised brow.

He shook his head, "I've never been to Newcastle."

Mrs. Lewis chuckled, "I know that, sweetheart," she smiled, "This isn't your past." She nodded across the street and James turned, inhaling sharply at the recognisable features of Robbie. Younger, in his teens would be James's guess, but it was most definitely Robbie. "He hasn't changed." He muttered, staring at him.

Val sighed, "No," she shook her head, "he hasn't,"

James frowned at the intensity in the woman's voice, but didn't look at her, too focused on Robbie as he strolled along the high street with another young man. They're laughing, and James feels an odd twist of jealousy in his gut that is irrational and ridiculous. He didn't even know Robbie Lewis as a teenager. – Hell, he wasn't even born yet. Not even a twinkle in his mother's eyes.

"That's Rory," Mrs. Lewis says beside him, nodding at the young blond, "Robbie's closest friend."

James's heart twisted, it wasn't jealously as much as sadness that he knew so little about the man he loved. The man he'd spent the past seven years with. Always so close and yet, so far away.

Not that he was one to talk, he rarely spoke about his family unless it came up in the conversations.

"Come on," Mrs. Lewis said, tugging gently on his arm.

He allowed her to pull him across the busy street, as if there weren't cars coming and going, but then it wasn't as if they'd get hurt. They followed the two young men around a corner and into a quiet alley down the back of a row of houses.

James kept his eyes on Robbie's, smiling softly to himself when Robbie laughed so loud it drifted back to him.

After a few minutes of walking, Robbie and his friend turned, slipping through the back gate of a house. Val trailed, no longer bothering to pull him along with her, fully aware that James would follow. The moment they stepped through the back door, James felt as if he'd been punched in the chest. His eyes widened as he stared dumbfounded at a young Robbie, and his friend pressed up against a dirt covered counter, kissing.