Disclaimer: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Midnight Sun, as well as all characters therein, are all intellectual property of Stephenie Meyer. Portions of her work are reprinted, but no copyright infringement is intended. Any other copyrighted material will be credited at the end of the chapter in which it appears. References to St. Vincent de Paul Mental Hospital are fictitious, and are not representative of the St. Vincent de Paul Society or any other real hospital by that name. References to real people, living or dead, are entirely coincidental and unintentional.
A/N: Special thanks, as always, to sirah87 for her valuable advice and opinions.
Even more thanks to adair7 for so many great reviews, to j3n, and to everyone who took even just a moment to leave a review or add my story to their favorites and alerts.

This chapter inspired by the music of Kenny Wayne Shepherd. Second author's note to follow.
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Chapter 4 Therapy

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

~C.S. Lewis

That evening after Carlisle left I found myself suddenly very tired. It had been an eventful day. Draped across Edward's chest again in his room, I reached for the blanket thrown across the back of the couch as I stifled a yawn. Edward's quick hands beat me to it, and I was swathed in the plush fabric and cradled in his arms before I knew it. It was easy and natural, dozing in his embrace, and for a brief time it was as though he'd never left. I heard him turn off the stereo and hum my lullaby before I drifted into slumber.

My dream started out peacefully enough. Edward and I sat together on his sofa, not really doing anything but holding hands and looking out the window. I felt relaxed, happy.

The view from the window changed. Trees gave way to a waterscape. The gold walls faded to white, the carpet became hospital tile, and the couch changed to an uncomfortable twin bed. I looked up at Edward in alarm, only to find Dr. McCoig staring at me with a strange smile. Something sparked in his hand, something that promised burning.

I was screaming in the dark, struggling to get away from the evil monster who wanted to burn and sear me, but something was holding me down. Lamplight suddenly flooded the room, and there were voices and cold hands trying to touch me, but I did not want them, and still I screamed and thrashed, kicked out at anything that came near me. As the screams turned to less noisy sobs, I heard two of the voices arguing about sedatives.

"No."

"Edward, look at her. She's going to hurt herself if we don't calm her down."

"She just finished detoxifying."

"Son, please. This one is very mild."

"No, Carlisle. I promised."

I wanted to thank Edward for protesting on my behalf, but Dr. McCoig's smile grew wider behind my eyes, and no one was stopping him.

The derivative of 2x^3 + 4x^2 is 6x^2 + 8x.

"Bella?"

The derivative of x^4 + 6x^3 + 2x is 4x^3 + 18x^2 +2.

"What is she doing?"

The derivative of x^2 + x + 1 is 2x + 1.

The smile faded.

Three squared is nine. Three cubed is twenty-seven. Three to the fourth power is nine squared is eighty-one.

"Bella, love?"

And it was daylight, and I was standing in a corner of Edward's room at the window, alone.

My palms were pressed lightly against the window, so I merely had to shift my eyes to check my watch.

4:15 P.M.

Saturday

March 20th.

I'd lost just over 36 hours.

Slowly, carefully, I inclined my head to the left to see whose eyes I felt trained on me.

Jasper.

Eyes widening in shock, I pressed into the wall behind me, sending several dozen CDs clattering to the floor. I only vaguely registered Edward's presence in the room. The last time I'd seen Jasper, he'd been trying to kill me on my 18th birthday. Not that I held a grudge about that—he hadn't done it on purpose—but it had been the catalyst for Edward's decision to leave me.

And I wasn't entirely convinced Jasper might not accidentally lose control again and ruin whatever it was I had with Edward now.

Edward was at my side instantaneously, not in a defensive position but trying to comfort me. Grateful, I leaned into him, locking my arms around his waist, my eyes not leaving Jasper.

The honey-blonde vampire sat perfectly still, his eyes not leaving me, either, evaluating me, tasting my mood. As he did this, I examined him in turn. His eyes were a rich gold, the skin under them marble white and smooth. Not thirsty. That was reassuring, at least.

Jasper's gaze flickered to Edward, and I looked up, too. Edward seemed relieved.

"Bella," he said breathlessly, looking back down at me. He looked extraordinarily happy to see me, as if I'd been away for a long time. He kissed my forehead softly before speaking again.

"Bella, Jasper is here to help you."

I looked back at Edward's brother and wondered how he planned to accomplish such a task. Changing my moods for brief periods of time did not seem like a permanent solution.

Jasper, sensing my doubt, smiled wryly. "Welcome back, Bella," was all he said.

This seemed an odd greeting, as I'd arrived here first, but it had been a long time since we'd seen each other, and we'd both been away. "Likewise," I answered. "Did you just arrive?"

He glanced at Edward briefly, his face blank. "Yesterday."

Hmm. What else had I missed? "And Alice?" I had not seen my best friend in so long; talking to her was an exciting prospect.

Jasper frowned now. "She's well. She'll be joining us later."

Did that mean she was already here, or that she was on the way?

Without looking away from Jasper, I asked, "Who else is here, Edward?"

His voice was troubled. "Just Alice. Carlisle and Esme are out hunting. Rosalie and Emmett are in Ithaca just now."

Not having to see Rosalie was a relief, at least. I didn't expect her thinly veiled animosity toward me to have changed with time or distance. It would have been nice to see Emmett, though.

"Bella," Jasper began, interrupting my thoughts. "What's the last thing—?"

Edward snarled, his arms snaking around my body in a way that felt both protective and restraining. I glanced up at him quickly, surprised by the fury in his face. Where was the danger? Had Jasper been about to…?

Then it clicked: Jasper wanted to ask me that question, the one that made me come undone.

But Edward had promised I'd never have to go back to that place, that he'd never let anyone hurt me again.

And I believed him.

"Edward," I said softly.

He looked down into my face, and whatever he saw there relaxed him somewhat. He loosened his hold, but did not release me.

"What's going on here?" I demanded quietly. "What did you mean before, about Jasper being here to help me?"

Edward's gaze returned to his brother for a long moment before he answered. His voice was strained. "Bella, you're still not well, and I cannot read your thoughts to help you. Jasper is here to help us understand what's happening to you so we can help you heal."

I let that sink in for a minute.

"So I should answer his questions, then?" I made my deduction a question.

Edward's face was difficult to read. He seemed torn, and I wondered why. Was he afraid of the answers?

"Yes," he said finally, moving his arms up to a loose hold around my shoulders. "If you can."

I thought another minute. Could I trust Jasper? Did I even have a choice? He was already here, so he'd know everything that went on in the house no matter how quietly I spoke. Staying silent was tempting, but I knew I'd never make any progress if I didn't talk things out. And letting Jasper assist would be easier than working around him.

But what if he took another snap at me? Would Edward leave again?

That possibility, more than anything else, would kill me for certain. The ghost of the hole ached dully in my chest, and I let go of Edward to hold myself together in response.

"You're worried," Jasper said quietly. "And…" he seemed to be searching for the right descriptor, "…anticipating pain?"

I clutched my arms tighter, though the pain had not manifested into anything more. "Yes," I said slowly, "that's right." Edward's arms curled tightly around my torso again, and the echo of pain vanished.

I looked up at him, "Can we sit down, please?"

Edward buzzed at his brother, then nodded at me. Jasper got up from the sofa and moved to stand by the door before Edward and I crossed the room to sit together on the couch. Edward's arms never left my body.

"Now let's get one thing straight," I began. "If you expect me to do this, I will not have you speaking in voices I can't hear. It doesn't exactly foster trust, and I'm sure this won't work if I don't feel comfortable enough to be honest. If you must have a private conversation, save it for later. Otherwise, use a human speed and volume, please."

Jasper smiled in amusement, and Edward looked mildly stunned but chuckled slightly. "We can accommodate you," Edward said quietly.

I sighed and turned my mind back to Jasper's last statement. I felt embarrassed to answer because he was part of the problem.

"Why are you embarrassed?" Jasper said immediately, puzzled.

I shook my head. This had to be the strangest therapy session in psychiatric history. "Jasper," I answered, "some of the things I say will be about you, and I don't want to offend you in any way."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, and I felt Edward turn his head to look at me.

"Don't worry about that," Jasper replied. "Just be truthful. Tell us why you were worried just now."

I shut my eyes and leaned into Edward. He kissed my hair, letting his face linger there.

"I'm afraid of what will happen if you attack me again," I whispered. "I know it wasn't your fault the first time, and that you felt awful. I don't blame you in the slightest; it was just an accident. But last time… I don't want Edward to leave again. I can't survive that twice."

"Bella, I will never—!" Edward began in a rush, but Jasper cut him off.

"Why do you think Edward left you the first time?"

Edward hissed, and Jasper spoke over him. "Edward, this is important. The rest of us knew your intentions, but she did not. Obviously it was a traumatizing experience for her if she wound up in the E.R. and a mental institution. And clearly she is afraid it may happen again. We need to know why, or this is never going to end."

It was the longest speech I'd ever heard Jasper make.

"Let me answer," I said before Edward could form another objection. I swallowed hard and pulled away from Edward slightly. He lowered one arm, but left the other wrapped around my shoulders.

"When Edward left," I began softly, "he told me I wasn't good for him. I had always known I wasn't good enough. I'm too human, too weak. I caused problems for your family. Rosalie and Emmett left because of me, and then you… well, you remember. I wasn't enough to hold him, and I'm no different now, except that I'm even weaker. Edward has been so good to me, but I'm still exactly what I was before, and it's not enough." I paused to take a breath. "Edward says he'll never leave again, and I want that to be true, but he had his reasons for leaving the first time, and I can't see that any of those have changed. Especially now that you're here, Jasper."

Jasper looked alert, interested, and non-judgmental throughout my monologue, and now he turned to Edward with the same expression. "Any response, Edward?"

I shifted to look at him. My hands still gripped my arms, guarding against the inevitable. He looked absolutely dumbfounded.

"Bella, I told you this already. I didn't leave because there was anything wrong with you, or because of some ridiculous deficiency in my life, or even because of family strife. I left because I thought my world was too dangerous for you, and no other reason. I have always loved you, only you, and I always will love you. I want you, Bella."

My heart ached to believe it, but I couldn't let myself hope.

"She doesn't believe you," Jasper said, sounding detached.

Edward and I both looked at him, then back at each other.

"Why?" Edward demanded, sounding truly desperate now. "Why can't you believe me? Don't you know what you are to me?"

I looked at him carefully. He was being sincere, but I didn't see how that changed anything. "Is your world any less dangerous now? Even if I let myself believe that you left only because you love me, what's to stop you from leaving again? A guilty conscience? Fear of more disasters? If you think it's the right thing to do, you'll leave me." And I would die. Quickly this time.

"I can't leave you Bella. Even if I wanted to, I could never do it again. It's too much…it's just so…" Edward looked helplessly at Jasper.

"Edward," Jasper said after a moment's consideration, "tell Bella about the pain."

"Pain?" I said sharply, peering into Edward's eyes, searching for evidence of such a thing. "What pain? Who hurt you?"

"I did," Edward said quietly, "when I left you. I ripped out everything that was good in me and left it behind. It was just…there was a crater where my heart used to be, and every day more would be gouged out, carved away. I couldn't walk, I couldn't move, I couldn't think of anything but you, your face. Nothing mattered anymore except filling this empty space with you, with your essence, with your love. That's why I came back, and that's why I'll never be able to leave you again. You can't imagine the excruciating pain, Bella."

For two full minutes I sat absolutely still, unable to move, blink, or do anything but stare. They waited for me to speak.

"Actually," I finally said, "I can."

I had no more words than that. None could break through the jarring shock of reopened wounds.

His talk of "distractions" had all been lies. He'd writhed in the same agony I had, although he had no numbing haze with which to protect himself. It physically tortured me to watch his face as he told me of his void that matched my own, making the fault line in my chest hiss and seep in response, and I wanted nothing more in that moment than to erase all his suffering for eternity.

"She can empathize," Jasper said finally, seeing that I was beyond speech. "She felt exactly the same way. And I do mean exactly." Jasper looked at me curiously, in a way I didn't entirely understand. "Very unusual for a human. I didn't think your kind was capable of our bonding or our separation response, and I certainly didn't expect that you could survive it."

"I nearly didn't," I whispered, finding my voice again, still awed, my eyes on Edward. I didn't really think about what I was saying. "If it hadn't been for the haze, I would never have lasted as long as I did."

"The haze?" they said in unison.

Just then my stomach growled furiously. I realized I couldn't recall when my last meal had been. "Oh, wow, I guess it's time for dinner." My voice still possessed a dreamlike quality. "Can we stop for today? I need to eat before this gets painful."

Edward rose from the couch with me, his right arm still around my shoulders. I did not miss the significant glance he exchanged with Jasper, but I was too dazed from our session to press for an interpretation.

Edward took my hand with his free one, holding me and guiding me along as we followed Jasper down the stairs. I felt dizzy and light, though I should be horrified. Edward in so much pain was an unbearable thought, but to find that he truly loved me still, had never stopped, and could no more stand to be separated again than I could—it was uplifting.

Jasper seemed to be smiling as he reached the second floor landing. I looked up at Edward's face, furrowed in concentration for a moment before suddenly grinning. It was such a relief to see that crooked smile I loved that I was suddenly soaring. And then his smile changed to something even deeper, more joyous, and he seemed to be soaring, too.

It wasn't until we reached the first floor that I noticed the sound of silvery laughter and turned in time to see a tiny black and white blur streak toward me.

"Alice!" I cried, overjoyed. "Oh, Alice! I missed you so much." I hugged her close, not caring that her spiky hair poked my neck and tickled my nose.

Alice kissed my cheek and stood back to look at me. "Now that's the hello I was looking for. You're looking so much better today, Bella."

My smile faltered. Had I been rude to Alice yesterday? "I'm sorry, Alice. I haven't been myself lately." I ducked my head a little in shame.

I felt Edward's eyes on me, but I took Alice's hand and said, "I'm starved. Come talk to me in the kitchen."

Alice answered my questions while I made turkey sandwiches. She seemed confused when I asked where she'd been all this time, but she smoothed her face almost instantly and told me what she'd learned about her human life. Mary Alice Brandon. One sister, Cynthia, who produced a daughter still alive in Biloxi. It seemed like Alice was holding something back—probably details about the asylum she'd lived in before being changed. It also seemed like she was repeating things she expected me to know. I guessed that she must have said these things the previous day during my haze, so I changed the subject when she seemed through. Edward and Jasper stood absolutely still on the other side of the kitchen, watching me with blank faces.

"So what's the story? When is my release paperwork going through so I can call Charlie?"

Alice cocked her head to one side and let her eyes go blank for several seconds. "Your paperwork will be official on Wednesday, at which time Carlisle will pick it up and bring it back to you. Until then, if Charlie or Renee call, the staff has been instructed to say that your condition is greatly improved, but that you still don't wish to speak with either of them."

"Great! So I can call him Wednesday!"

"I think you might want to wait a few extra days," Alice said with a hint of doubt. "You should think about what story you're giving him for why you haven't spoken to him and aren't coming home right away. That's a pivotal conversation, and you don't want to screw it up."

"Aw, come on, Alice! Can't you help me dream something up?" I pleaded.

"Later, Bella. Right now, we need to talk about your shoe issues." She'd noticed my bare feet.

After a dinner conversation about footwear, I asked Edward to play his piano for me. Alice joined him with her harmonies while Jasper and I applauded, and the pale house felt very much alive.

As the hour grew later and my yawns came more frequently, I wandered back into the kitchen in search of soda.

"Damn, nothing but Sprite," I grumbled. No iced tea or chocolate milk, either. I thought for a second and went for the pantry. Doctors drink lots of coffee to stay awake, right? I asked myself. Maybe Carlisle would have some at home as part of his human charade.

"Ha! Jackpot," I said to myself as I found the red coffee can and a bag of coffee filters. I turned to search for the coffee maker and jumped, nearly dropping everything in my hands. Edward stood two feet from me, arms folded, a disapproving expression on his face.

"It's a little late for a coffee break, Bella," he chided me.

"Oh, I know," I said, smiling, resisting the urge to bite my lip. "I just want to stay up a while longer. It's been so long since I had fun, I don't want the night to end."

Edward's dubious look melted. "Oh, I hadn't realized…of course. But you still shouldn't have coffee so late." He took the coffee things from me. "Go have fun. I'll bring you something."

"Don't be long," I told him, smiling again before slinking out of the kitchen.

I went to find Alice again to ask her to do my hair, something I had never actively requested before. Naturally, she had already armed herself with a small basket of brushes, combs, and assorted hair accessories, and I sat on the floor in front of her spot on the couch. I found some stupid comedy on TV to watch, something appropriate for a slumber party. I saw Jasper staring at me from across the room, but I kept my focus on the ridiculous, plotless movie. It wasn't the kind of thing I normally watched, but it did keep my eyes open.

Edward eventually came to sit on the floor beside me with a cup of hot tea. I thanked him and sipped at it. "More sugar in the next one, please."

He raised an eyebrow at me and nodded. His eyes slid to Jasper.

When the movie finally ended, Edward took my hand and nearly dragged me upstairs, claiming Alice and Jasper needed time alone. I yawned again and checked my watch.

2:03 A.M.

Sunday

March 21

I searched through Edward's CD collection until I found something that promised to be fast and violent. Not sure how to operate Edward's complicated stereo, I handed him the disc.

"Interesting choice," Edward said. "Any particular reason you picked this one?"

"Oh yes," I said archly. "To give Alice and Jasper some privacy. I'm sure they'd rather not have an audience."

Edward looked surprised. I smirked at him.

"How about something that won't kill the mood when they hear it?" he suggested, turning back to the shelves. Five seconds later a guitar-laden blues instrumental filled the room.

"Nice," I complimented. I turned to look out the window.

Edward turned off the lamp behind me, and the room was instantly lit only by moonlight. His arms wound lovingly around me from behind, and I felt him bury his face in my hair. "Why don't you sit down with me?" Edward asked softly.

"No thanks. I sat for two hours straight watching that stupid movie. My back is sore."

"Hmm," Edward muttered. "I should get you a bed. It can't be too comfortable on my couch every night."

I shrugged. "It's not so bad. I'd just rather stand right now."

"Are you sure you don't want to lie down somewhere else? There are a few free beds you could use."

I smiled ruefully. "I don't think anyone here wants my human scent in their bed."

He paused. "You could sleep alone if you prefer. I understand if you want some privacy."

"No!" I said quickly, panicking. "Don't leave me. Please."

"Shh, Bella, of course not," Edward soothed. "I'm delighted to stay." He sighed then. "Bella, I'm not trying to pressure you into anything you aren't ready for. Your recovery is my first priority. I have no expectations of you physically. I love you, and I want to earn your trust and forgiveness. Everything else can wait."

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'm working on it." I leaned back into him. "I love you," I murmured. Was that the first time I'd said that since his return?

Edward held me tighter for a long minute and kissed the back of my head a few times. The affection put a smile on my face. I relaxed into his arms even more and stood quietly for a long time, just staring out the window.

Finally I asked, "Can we change the music? This CD is making me sleepy."

"Bella," Edward said reproachfully, "it's three in the morning. You really should get some rest."

"I'm fine," I said more firmly. "Just put something else on."

"You're exhausted, Bella. You can hardly stand up; I've been supporting your weight for the last half hour."

"I said I'm fine," I snapped. Edward tensed, and I instantly regretted my harsh tone. "I'm sorry," I murmured, "that came out wrong." I sighed heavily. "I think I'll go take a shower."

I tried to move toward the door, but my body suddenly felt heavy and lopsided. Edward caught me before I even realized I was falling.

"That's it for you," he said firmly. "Time for bed." He carried me to the couch.

"No," I slurred, fighting my droopy eyelids. "I'm not ready for bed. I need a shower and pajamas." It took me a whole minute before I realized we were already lying down, the blanket wrapped securely around my body.

"Please get some sleep, Bella," Edward crooned as he stroked my face. His sweet breath made it difficult for me to breathe normally, and his velvet voice was very persuasive.

"No," I shook my head weakly. "I want to stay awake with you."

"Sleep, my love."

Unable to resist any longer, I closed my eyes.

A light sparked menacingly in the darkness, and a wide, sadistic smile waited for me, just as I'd known it would.

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A/N: Edward's stereo--"Electric Lullaby" by Kenny Wayne Shepherd, but feel free to substitute your own song in your imagination!