I miss the way you wanted me/When I was staying just out of your reach
Begging for the slightest touch/Ooh, you couldn't get enough
Rayna turned and quickly exited the judge's chambers. She wanted to get out as fast as she could. Tears glistened in her eyes and she brushed them away as Tandy stood from her seat on the bench in the hall and joined her. She linked her arm through her sister's. "How'd it go?" she asked as they hurried for the exit.
Rayna shrugged. "He got what he wanted. Not surprisingly."
A door opened behind them and heavy footsteps quickly moved down the hallway. "Rayna!"
Rayna only imperceptibly hesitated. She pressed her lips together tightly and she kept going towards the door.
"Rayna!" The voice was closer.
She stopped. She had hoped to get out of the courthouse before he could catch her. But she didn't want to have this conversation outside. She actually didn't want to do this at all. It was one thing to talk to her sister about it, it was quite another to actually say it to Deacon. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "It's ok. Go on," she said softly to Tandy.
Tandy nodded and squeezed Rayna's arm. "I'll be in the car." She turned back and looked at Deacon. He had stopped when he saw Rayna stop. His face was carefully neutral. Tandy turned away and walked out of the courthouse.
Deacon watched Rayna. Part of him wanted to tell her that it was his lawyer who pressed him to ask to be officially named Maddie's father, that if it were up to him he'd have let Maddie set the pace. He wanted to tell her that every time he thought about Maddie, the lie still made his blood boil. But that he also thought about her lying there, next to him, outside the truck, after the accident, silent and barely breathing. He had been scared that night, scared that she would die, scared that he would lose her forever. He really did want to talk to her, to try to put things right, but she rebuffed him. Which made him mad again. He really wanted to change the ending of their story, but she wouldn't let him in. He had tried to reach out to her after the accident, but she pushed him away, wouldn't even acknowledge him, and that chilled him to his core because he was afraid that meant there was no hope. He wasn't sure he could just walk away for good and he was afraid that was what she intended to do.
He had been so angry after finding out Maddie was his, that Rayna had kept it a secret for thirteen years. She had betrayed him so completely. But seeing her unconscious, having Bucky tell him she might die, was a wake-up call. He still didn't understand her reasons, but he wanted to figure it out. With her. Not without her.
In the dark of night, when he couldn't sleep, he thought about her. He missed her. He didn't want to because he was still mad, still hurt. But, like their whole relationship had been, it was complicated. He was afraid she was going to give up on him. And he didn't know if he was ready for that. Which was why he had let Megan talk him into this paternity thing. It would keep her in his life until … until what? Either they would work it out … or they wouldn't?
Rayna took a deep breath. She wasn't sure she was ready for this. She had talked about this moment with her therapist but she was struggling. She thought she'd had it all worked out in her head, but she had come to realize that it was harder than she'd expected. She was trying to work through her feelings of guilt and responsibility for the lie that had brought them to this place. Everything about this was complicated. When she had broken up with him before that last time in rehab, she had felt such despair. This felt exponentially worse. She was committed to doing this; she thought it was best for both of them. But that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt.
Rayna finally turned and looked at Deacon, then nodded towards a side hallway. She walked that way and Deacon followed her. When she turned back to look at him, his eyes had that sad puppy dog look that had always tugged at her heartstrings in the past. But a lot had changed. She crossed her arms over her chest and took a deep breath. "I know you've wanted to talk to me and I'm sorry I've pushed you away," she said.
Deacon put his hands in his pockets and rolled his shoulders forward, working his bottom lip. He looked down and then back up at her, with the same puppy dog eyes. "I'm sorry, Rayna. About today," he said softly.
Rayna shook her head. "You're always sorry, Deacon. And nothing ever really changes. I've heard 'I'm sorry' too many times. That's how we ended up where we are. Because of 'I'm sorry'." She watched Deacon tense up. "I can't do this anymore. Neither can you. We aren't good for each other. Maybe we never were. You know, when I think back on our relationship, all I can think of is that every time you went to rehab, I was there when you came back. And you knew I'd take you back and you felt safe enough to fall down again and come back and say 'I'm sorry, Ray.' And four times, I took you back. Four times I let you break my heart. Four times I let you fall down again. When I finally wasn't there, you got better. You were able to get sober and stay sober. And then when I let you back into my life, you fell down again. But this time you almost took me with you."
Deacon tensed and clenched his jaw. He took a deep breath. "I made a mistake, Rayna. But so did you."
Rayna cut her eyes away guiltily. When she looked back at Deacon, her expression was softer. "I know. I'm sorry about Maddie. I know I hurt you by not telling you about her and I'm really sorry about how that all played out. If I could undo that decision, I would, but I can't. I'm going to regret how I hurt you for the rest of my life." Then her face grew grim. "But you know, Deacon, I have come to realize that you got sober that last time and you stayed that way to show me you could do it. To prove to me that you could be the man I wanted you to be. But I'm not who you should have done it for. You needed to do it for you. I remember telling you that I needed to be letting you go, and I meant that, but then I didn't really. I wanted you to believe that, but I really was hoping you wouldn't go. But now I really mean it. I need to let you go." She felt tears prick at her eyes and looked away. "All I can do is protect Maddie now. You should know that she's been reading all the stories. About us. About you."
Deacon frowned. "What stories?"
"About your history, not just that you were drunk the night of the accident. It's confusing for her. She knew you all her life as a good man who was dependable and loved her. Now that she knows about your past, she's not sure how to deal with that. And I'm afraid to trust you with her."
Deacon frowned. "I'm back in AA. I'm going to meetings, working my program."
"I know you say that. But you were doing that for thirteen years. Thirteen years, Deacon. And still, you went and got drunk."
Deacon bristled a bit. The accident had been a wake-up call for him but her words got under his skin. "Rayna, why can't we talk about all this now?"
"Deacon, we should have talked about 'all this' the night of the CMA's. Instead of you walking out on me and heading for the nearest bar. Instead of you staring down the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. That was our chance to work through it. That was your chance to prove to me that those thirteen years really meant that you had figured it out. That you had truly changed." She looked away and then back at him. She felt sick to her stomach. She hated doing this. To him. To them. "I can't do this anymore. I wonder sometimes if I should have ever done this."
Deacon's eyes got moist and he swallowed hard. "Are you saying that you regret us?"
Rayna smiled sadly and shook her head. "I wanted to. I tried to. Believe me. But I had to be honest with myself. I loved you. I really did. And when I came to you that last time I really believed we had a chance to have the kind of relationship I'd always hoped we could have. But we're just too much. Too much passion. Too all-consuming. We're like a roaring flame. We just burned each other up. We destroy each other. We should never have tried again. It was probably better to have just have let things stay the way they were. But the one thing I will always be grateful for is that you gave me Maddie." Her voice got rough with emotion, as she choked back tears. "Even though you don't remember, I do. She is the sweetest gift you ever gave me and, in case you're wondering, you gave her to me with so much love." She took a deep breath to calm herself. "Deacon, I almost died in that accident. I can't forget that. We just aren't good for each other."
She didn't know where all the words had come from. She knew she was being harsh with him, but it felt like the only way she could force herself to do this. This was even harder than she thought it would be, but it was the only way she could think of to force the break, for both of them. She knew he was trying to reach out to her, but she thought it was better for both of them not to go down that road again.
Deacon breathed in raggedly, tears streaking down his face. He looked away from Rayna. "If you had died, I would have died too, Ray. I know it would have been my fault," he said. "None of this is the way I wanted it to be."
"I know. It isn't the way I wanted it to be either," Rayna said softly. "I don't want to hurt you, but I know that I am anyway. We just can't be together. We may have been good together once, but we still kept hurting each other. We need to move on with our lives." The look of pain on Deacon's face broke her heart, nearly shook her resolve.
"So we really are done?" he whispered.
Rayna nodded. "Yeah, I think we are," her own voice barely above a whisper. She took a step towards him and gently squeezed his arm and then she walked back down the hall and turned for the door. It wasn't until she walked out of the courthouse that she let the tears stream down her face as her heart broke into a million pieces.
Oh, if I could go back in time/When you only held me in your mind
Just a longing gone without a trace/Oh, I wish I'd never ever seen your face
I wish you were the one/Wish you were the one that got away
Got away from me/Before anyone had to bleed….
Like everyone else, this is not the way I want their story to end. I hope that Deacon stays on the right path and that Rayna finally lets him back in. I refuse to believe they aren't meant to be together in the end!