Well fuck me sideways three times. Narnia's a place.
There was this painting and then there was some water and now I'm on a ship as big as a bath tub floating on a non-existent ocean. Bit of a turn-up, hey?
So we're pretty much going to die.
Lucy and Ed think it's all wonderful and they dragged me around the ship introducing me to all the talking imaginary creatures and a heap of guys with beards and Spanish accents, one of whom was reputedly a king, although they all looked about as regal as a dissected frog. He's called Caspian. Just… no. What messed up arse calls their kid Caspian? I'd feel sorry for him if he weren't such a prick, mincing about with his fancy accent and his fancy beard.
Lucy and Ed are all excited and shit, but no one seems to be hearing my side of the story. I hate it. This boat has the stability of a crack addict, the furnishing of a rotting fish-house in Antarctica and the total cultural awareness of a bundle of sticks – I'm not even kidding, no one knows who Charles Darwin is. I thought that'd be an interesting topic of conversation – finding out what everything evolved from, but no. Apparently everything was just made. The shithole doesn't even have electricity! Not only can I not call for help, but I can't even recharge my phone or anything which is ridiculously stupid. Oh, and there's not even a British Consul here which means that I can't get back legally. I feel like one of those foreign boat people. Oh God what if Alberta finds out? There go all chances of any inheritance ever.
Fuck, Ed's such a dick. He comes in and he's all "Come up on deck, Eustace, the sights are beautiful and the lambs are bleating and the sky is singing and the rat the size of a four-year-old is wonderful tralala." Oh, I didn't mention the rat that's set out to kill me?
Yeah, there's a sadistic talking rat with a sword on its hip, a feather on its head and bloodthirst embedded in its brain.
Anyway, I was like "Fuck off Edmund, unless you've magicked up an idea to get us home to England, in which case do continue." He walked away.
Maybe it's all a nightmare and I'll wake up. It could be a mindrape the Nazi's made.
Shit, what if we've been kidnapped and drugged to think these things? What if nothing's real? EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OMG.
News update. Everything is real. That sonofabitch rat poked me with his sword and it bled. Pain = reality. Lucy gave me some foul liquid that tasted of foot and said it'd help. She is trying to poison me I swear. Not that I blame her. You hear of it all the time – they kill the smartest person on the ship first so no one thinks for themselves and they can all just blindly follow the captain.
Just… fuck.
FML.