I'm clearly not good enough.

A name is just a name.

I share it with him.

And yet. I'm not good enough.

He has given me his fan to wield on his deathbed, looked into my eyes for the first time, and told me to take reign of the clan. I wondered where this came from; Zhuge Liang has never given me a second glance.

I'm the Black Sheep of the Zhuge Clan.

The Dog.

I'm Zhuge Dan, the dog.

Sima Zhao has given me the orders, I want to speak against them, I want to tell him there's another way, but I can't speak. I can't feel my voice, I feel, I watch my confidence shattering with the wind.

I can only stare in awe at how he parades around the camp, proudly wearing the Sima clan on his shoulders, and I am in my dark corner with the remnants of a dead clan in my fingertips.

He turns to me, and I try to hide in shame.

I'm caught.

Caught staring.

Sima Zhao points at himself and tilts his head. The fire rises to my cheeks, my eyes grow wide, and I turn away in shame. He's talking to that blonde. He points at me with a shrug, mumbles something under his breath, but I can see he can't keep his eyes off me.

I'm frozen. I can't move.

Paralyzed.

I want to move, but I can't feel my legs.

He has a penetrating stare. Like Medusa, haunting me, turning me to stone with that gaze.

He walks to me, I feel like I just swallowed my heart. He speaks, but I can't hear a thing. I can only hear my body breathing, my heart pounding, my body shaking.

So nervous.

I can't shake this feeling.

Sima Zhao and Jin expect so much of me.

I'm a Zhuge, I don't fail.

I can't.

Zhuge Liang would laugh at me now. I would be fulfilling all he had expected out of me. Just a child of the same name, I mean nothing to him, nothing to no one.

I'm still frozen, I feel the snow pounding down on me, I'm shivering.

Shaking.

I feel my pride falling from my body, down my fingertips, buried down to the ground with my confidence.

I try to hide it.

I hide my insecurities inside, cover it with arrogance. Hide it away deep inside my tiny body so no one can see.

He's still walking closer to me, but I curl into myself and flee.

The darkness is a better place for a dog like me.

He calls out to me, but I ignore it.

My back turned, I walk further away. No. I am not ready.

I drop my fan.

Not good enough.

Never enough.

I hide my tears, I hide my wounds, my scars. I hide my fears, everything deep inside, so he can't see. I don't want his sympathy, I don't want anyone's.

I don't want anything.

No.

I want to be like him.

To soar above the heavens like a dragon, like he once did.

And yet I crashed and burned.

Hid in my doghouse.

Put on a muzzle.

Thrown into the kennel.

I watch as the fan drops from my fingers, the weapon shattering to pieces like my soul, and in its place is nothing.

Absolutely nothing.