The Weeaboo Games
Birthday Edition
The sun beat down on the twenty-four combatants in this year's Weeaboo Games as they all stood on their podiums, the grand festivity of blood and despair ready to begin.
"10" came the synthetic voice of the countdown.
"Wat the hecka is that," Will said, scared by the loud sound.
"It's the countdown, idiot," Amy said, standing next to him.
"UWAAAH IM SO SCARED" cried a rando, and she stepped off her podium and the mines at her feet exploded and she blew up into a million chunks of flesh.
"WHAT THE HECK!?" Courtney shouted, wide-eyed and trembling after having seen the girl blow up.
A piece of her flesh landed on Sam's cheek.
"Um…gross," he said, brushing it off.
Everyone had been too busy watching the girl blow up that they hadn't realized the timer was finished.
"Oh," Bob said. "I guess…we go now?"
His words acted as a cue for everyone as they made a mad dash either towards the Cornucopia, or away from it.
"The night is my ally," Vinny whispered, waving an arm over himself and disappearing into the nether.
"AAAAAAAAA what do I do what do I do what do I do," Courtney breathed rapidly, deciding it would be in her best interested to run for the treeline and escape. As she ran for the forest, Irondil the Great began his great plundering of the Cornucopia.
"Hohoho!" the dunmer roared. "I shall have quite the campaign with this!" He seized a great axe from the ground and hefted it upon his shoulder. With quick, murderous strikes, he cleaved some randoms in half.
"Um, we should probably get away from him," Jacob said to Sam.
"Wait," the other brother noted. "I found a weapon."
It was a plushie of a tiny lamb.
"That's not a weapon, Sam."
Meanwhile, Bob was desperately searching for a mirror amid the wealth of the Cornucopia. He saw a random grab a small, golden disc, and thinking it was a mirror, Bob quickly shoved a lance through the boy's neck.
"I NEED TO CHECK MY HAIR KTHANXBAI"
As Bob murdered innocent youth in the name of vanity, Jason and Blaze were leaning up against the trees.
"So like, we could just wait this out," Jason said.
"No thanks," Blaze said. "I'm gonna go get a burger."
"There aren't any burgers here…" Jason said.
Blaze gave him a look that silenced the battlefield, hard enough to chop the nearby trees in half. In a voice so calm it made Jason's hairs on his neck stand up, Blaze said, "Then I'll make one."
As the bloodbath raged on and Irondil and Bob kept killing kids for their respective wants, Lexi walked amid the grassy plain with her eyes closed.
"The Lord is my shepherd," she muttered, "I shall not want."
An arrow streaked through the air, narrowly missing her face.
"Shit shit shit shit shit shit," Jason said, running from Blaze, scooping up Lexi in one arm, and sprinting for the tree line.
"Put me down, naysayer," she commanded.
"But I'm trying to save your life!"
"My life has already been saved by the eternal glory of His…" but before she could finish her sentence, another arrow narrowly missed them.
"Could you like, pipe down about the splendor of Jesus Christ for one second and just hide with me?" Jason asked her.
"HIS LOVE SHALL NEVER BE SILEN…"
"Eat my ass, bitches!" Will shouted, firing another arrow at Jason and Lexi.
"On second thought," Lexi said, "we should probably leave."
And so they did.
Irondil had killed a majority of the randoms by now, but he didn't know someone was hiding in the Cornucopia.
"Hehehehe…" Tip chuckled, pushing up his glasses from his hiding spot within the Cornucoia. "Hehehehe…"
Bob noticed a random making off with a cool-looking fur-lined survival jacket so he knifed them in the back and swiped the fashionable garb.
"That look didn't even work on you," he said, putting on the coat. "It ruined your skin toning."
"This is a hecka whole lotta forest," Jacob said to his brother as they left the bloodbath.
"We could find a cave and make camp?" Sam offered.
"Or we could eat those flowers," Jacob pointed to a nearby batch of pink flowers.
"Well those look poi…" but before Sam could finish, Jacob had already swallowed a handful.
"I think you might die soon," Sam said.
But little did they know, the flowers were not poisonous, but a highly advanced psychedelic drug.
"Look Will!" Amy said, holding up a random's head. "I got one!"
"Wooo!" Will said, high-fiving Amy. "This is so much fun. We're gonna SLAY ALL DAY HENNY."
"Ugh," Amy said, sitting down on the corpse. "I'm so hungry. Do you think there's any weird British food in that cornucopia thing?"
"I don't know," Will said, "do I look like Gordon fucking Ramsey. Go check for yourself."
"Fine."
"Fine."
Amy got up and went to inspect the Cornucopia, where she found Tip laughing to himself.
"What's so funny?" Amy asked, slightly creeped out.
"I have found the perfect hiding spot, where no one will find me," Tip told her.
"But…I just found you."
An exclamation mark appeared over Tip's head.
"AAAAA! AAAA! AAAA!" Courtney kept screaming and running and running and screaming until she tripped and fell into a river and got swept downstream where she inhaled a fish by accident and coughed it up on the bank when she finally washed up like a mile away from the bloodbath.
Irondil had finally had his share of killing when he looked up and saw Henderson brandishing a blade.
"Show your moves!" Henderson declared.
"You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people," Irondil shot back. "What say you in your defense?"
"Smokescreen!" Henderson cried, and the bloodbath was bathed in white smoke, and when it cleared, Henderson was gone.
"Hmph," Irondil said, shouldering his axe. "Another day…sword-wielding vagabond."
"And then like, there was this totally creepy guy in the Cornucopia laughing to himself about how smart he is," Amy told Will.
"Come on, slut," Will said. "Let's go cuddle in a tree."
"Radical," Amy said, following Will.
Deep in the forest, Blaze continued her quest for hamburger meat as Jason finally set Lexi down on a rock.
"You almost died! Like…THREE TIMES!" Jason shouted.
"Not so loud," Lexi said, holding up a patient hand. "The others might here us."
But before Jason could retort, a bunch of cannon sounds went off in the distance. Eleven.
"Looks like the bloodbath is over," Lexi said. "Let us make camp for the evening."
"Us?" Jason asked.
"I imagine you will not leave me alone, in fear for my safety," Lexi said.
"O-of course not!" Jason cried. "Let me make camp…yeah!"
But as Jason made camp, Lexi smiled in against the backdrop of the setting sun.
"Yes…" she said, her eyes sweeping the length of the forest, "Yes…this is all going according to plan…"
Alive: Bob (D1), Blaze (D1), Jason (D2), Lexi (D2), Tip (D3), Courtney (D3), Jacob (D4), Sam (D4), Will (D5), Amy (D5), Vinny (D6), Henderson (D6), Irondil the Great (D7)