Chapter 4: Words Fly Upwards

Seventh Year

It was an eternity, which was probably in reality a couple of days, in which no one spoke to Sirius. He didn't blame them. He couldn't. But it was agonising none the less. Sirius didn't realise how much he depended on his friends until they were gone and Sirius depended on no one more than Remus. He wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not, all he knew was that without wise Remus, brainy Remus, lovely Remus he wouldn't know were to go. James and Peter were great but no one caught his glances quite like Remus or appreciated his wit. James would just call him a git and Peter would take James' side but Remus understood. Sirius found himself smiling at the memory – even the part about James calling him a git – when he remembered that it wasn't like that now. But Sirius would get those times back. Sirius was nothing if not determined.

Remus was nothing if not melancholic. Depression was said to plague the greatest minds but this was of little comfort or consequence to Remus because right now he couldn't bear anyone telling him how smart he was. He felt so stupid. Remus was used to bullying and taunting in its various shapes and forms. Usually he was a pushover with self-esteem so low it could be walked over. But with Sirius he couldn't help but retort. The boy knew how to press all of his buttons. There was no denying it – of all the people Remus had ever met only Sirius Black could truly get to him. It was because Sirius made him feel so damn much that sometimes Remus thought he was going to explode.

But this tension between them had come from nowhere and somewhere at the same time. Remus scratched his quill on the parchment in front of him where he was trying to take notes on the ingredients of healing salves. He frowned. The fight was a spontaneous outburst but Remus felt as though a cloud had been lifted from his mind and he could see where he stood more clearly. But not clearly enough it seemed. Remus could not understand what inspired this tension, this building pressure of emotion or the fight and that made him frustrated, unhappy. Without understanding Remus failed to hold onto his world.

He also felt lonely because Peter and Remus had scuttled of to play wizard chess in an attempt to distract themselves from the Remus and Sirius fiasco. Pete and James had their secrets – their moments – and while James and Sirius probably had them too, Remus missed Sirius' goofiness and his stupid puns. He didn't blame Sirius for hitting him; he had been just as stubborn as Sirius. He didn't care if his face was a sorry sight, Miss Pomfrey could solve that problem, he just wanted Sirius back.

As the door to the dormitory creaked open Remus looked up and found himself thinking that the devil worked in mysterious ways because he had just presented Remus with the very boy that occupied his thoughts. He watched as Sirius tried to look stoic and when Remus did not react he moved to Remus' side and sat beside him at the desk.

Sirius sat there silently waiting for the right words to hit him and Remus tried harder to write his potions notes. Nothing came to Sirius and so without knowing what else to do he took Remus' hand. The quill rolled away from the long fingertips and slowly Remus' hand gripped Sirius'. Sirius squeezed staring out the window ahead of them and Remus returned the gesture still feigning reading his textbook. A warm prickle wormed its way through Sirius' abdomen and with a slight shock he quickly untangled his hand from his friend's.

"I'm sorry." Sirius almost choked. He turned to look at Remus, mentally pleading for him to meet his gaze but Remus held his focus on the Potions book.

"I know."

"I don't hate you." Sirius offered leaning a little closer.

"I know."

"You're my friend Remus."

"I know."

"The world is round." Sirius gestured lamely with his hands, his distress evident on his face.

"I don't know that Sirius." Remus sighed and raised his head to Sirius. He saw Sirius' remorse and Remus hoped he was conveying his feeling of stupidity equally well. He closed his book and smiled. Sirius returned it eagerly and with much more finesse that Remus could manage.

"All those things I said... It was all bullshit." Remus elaborated cringing at the memory.

"So you love me Moony?" Sirius took the risk.

The response was blunt, "Don't start."

"I'm not! I'm asking you a question and I'm not going to make fun, I swear." Sirius held a hand up to his heart determined in every way to sensible.

"Hmm." Remus fingered the Advanced Potions Textbook in front of him.

"Well?"

"Yes," Remus said and looked up at the expectant Sirius who grinned in a small triumph, "Because it's what you want to hear."

The grin fell off his face. Remus laughed lightly.

"That's not funny."

"It is."

"Okay I'll be fair. You can ask me a question, any question, if I can ask the same."

Remus considered the proposition for a moment, "No dice."

"Why?" Sirius leaned heavily on the desk, his face mocking outrage.

"Only last week you were beating me to a pulp." Remus said with a sigh, returning Sirius' drama.

Sirius smiled and moved closer.

"Yeah but that was last week." Sirius simpered, grinning partly to cover the embarrassment that still lingered inside him over the issue.

"Your mood swings are pretty fucking dramatic." Remus snorted, kicking Sirius' shin under the table.

The miffed Sirius gave a sigh in resignation, turning his back on Remus. Remus, ever willing to toy with Sirius, averted his own gaze and began once again to flip through Advanced Potions. It was not long before Sirius, who had been without Remus enough this millennium, cast a glance over his shoulder, before properly giving in and winding an arm around Remus' waist.

"Like I said before," Remus' voiced was hitched slightly, jumping at Sirius' intrusion, I'm not gay."

Remus left Sirius at the desk and, grabbing his pyjamas from the top of his trunk, slipped into the bathroom. Closing the door behind him, Remus let his head loll against it. He took a deep breath. His heart seemed to have sped up dramatically and for perhaps the only time in his life, Remus wished it was because he was unfit. Sure, you would have to be suffering if you could not walk the twenty-metre length of the dormitory, but Remus would rather that than consider the possibility that Sirius had caused such a reaction in him. Why was he even skirting around the question? Remus scolded himself; reassuring his mind that there was no way in the world he could like Sirius as anything more than a friend. After all, Remus knew he was straight. He'd been out with girls, he'd kissed girls and those experiences were not unpleasant. In fact Remus would go so far as to say they were pretty good, so obviously there was no way he could be anything other than heterosexual.

Remus dismissed all thoughts but those concerning the upcoming Charms test as he showered. After turning off the taps, Remus stepped out from behind the curtain only to make a desperate grab for his towel when he realised Sirius was in front of the sink brushing his teeth. Heat prickled at Remus' face and neck as he wrapped the towel hastily around himself.

After ensuring the towel was properly fastened Remus looked up to see that Sirius was watching him through the mirror. Remus distracted himself from the situation by firing a question at the other boy, "You and Hannah still okay?"

Sirius spat out the toothpaste, "Yeah all I had to do was kiss it better," Sirius smirked, "And then I got laid."

Remus snorted, "Figures."

"You got anyone for the party yet?"

"Yes." Remus said curtly holding his head a little higher but still blushing slightly. It seemed that someone in the school was desperate for a Christmas party (Just like the year before and the year before that, and – why do people like parties so much?) and Dumbledore (probably keen to do some dancing himself) had allowed it take place in the Great Hall two days before the twenty-fifth. Most of the Hogwarts population were overjoyed by the opportunity and had lined up partners for the evening. It was only after a long struggle that Remus had convinced a girl to go with him.

"Oh? Dear me, Mr Moony has a girlfriend!" Sirius pushed him in the shoulder as Remus approached the sink to reach his own toothbrush, "What a pleasant surprise! What's her name?"

"Rachel, in our year." Rachel had hair dark enough to rival Sirius' and eyes to match her hair. She was a pleasant girl and she took Divination with Remus every Thursday afternoon and Tuesday morning. One afternoon when Remus' usual partner Justin McDonald had been sick and without a second thought Rachel slipped into the empty seat beside Remus and introduced herself. She had a sharp wit, which was quick to find faults with whatever they were being taught, and Remus admired that. More than her wit he admired her courage to state some of these more controversial thoughts aloud. Remus was surprised that no one else had asked her to the Christmas party before he did. Sometimes, it seemed, luck was on his side.

"Oo la la! House?" Sirius was turned towards Remus now and leaned in, so incredibly eager for details that he stopped looking at himself in the mirror. Remus suppressed a smile.

"Ravenclaw and shut it Sirius." He managed through a mouthful of toothpaste.

"You reckon your gonna get some?" Sirius waggled his eyebrows and Remus had to stop himself from laughing lest he spray toothpaste all over the mirror. Remus replied with a shrug and Sirius stood up tall once more examining his friend.

"Good luck." Was all he said.

Remus watched Sirius' back – and only his back – as he left the bathroom with a slight triumphant swagger in his step. Remus finished brushing his teeth and stayed staring at the mirror for some time. He hung his head as he leaned on the edge of the sink. Something about Sirius and the party made him feel uneasy and a little sick on top of that. It was fair to say that better things than the wretched party had occupied his mind but now that it had been mentioned it inspired him with fear. By nature, Remus Lupin was a nervous person. Rachael was a nice girl and Remus thought she was attractive but he had almost hurled when he asked her to the Yule Ball. He wasn't like Sirius, and he felt as though he trying to match him and this most of all made him uneasy.

Then other things cropped up in Remus' mind. Forcing him to think about stuff he usually kept locked away with his other skeletons. Remus felt that things needed to be kept secret. He never told anyone any of his secrets and if he ha to be sure they were completely trustworthy. Like being a werewolf - Remus considered that as something which should be hidden. Remus changed slowly, his mind still lingering on this collection of confronting thoughts. When he did leave the bathroom, he was so consumed with his own thoughts that when he collapsed on his bed he found Sirius beside him. A prickle of surprise hit him wondering for a moment if he had flopped onto Sirius' bed by accident. By grin that Sirius was sporting however, Remus was sure that the sometimes-canine was in fact invading Remus' bed.

"Get your own bed." Remus mumbled shoving Sirius unceremoniously off the bed, trying not to think about what Sirius looked like when he slept.

"I reckon yours is more comfy than mine." Sirius picked himself off the floor and watched Remus pull the covers over himself.

"And?" Remus raised his eyebrows slightly; wary of the way Sirius was scanning his bed.

"You wanna trade?" Sirius' voice sounded much more gravelly that it otherwise would have.

Remus frowned, "Sirius, what the hell?"

"Just asking!" Sirius whined voice suddenly back to normal pitch. When he remained standing Remus gave a sigh and made to roll over.

"Righto, night Sirius." Remus looked at Sirius for a final time before putting his back between them. He attempted to will himself to sleep but found it impossible to do so with Sirius still lingering beside the bed. Remus could hear the gears of indecision turning over in Sirius' head. After some strained seconds Remus flipped over and frowned at the taller boy.

"What?" Remus asked tongue clicking. Although Remus had meant to sound annoyed he didn't realise his mouth was that dry.

"Nothing." Sirius said with all the innocence in the world.

Remus didn't like that tone. He gave Sirius, whose mouth was slowly twisting into a grin once more another frown before rolling over again. This time he was more determined than ever to ignore the boy.

"Okay, I had two hours sleep last night, I want to go to bed, so I'm turning off the lights."

James' cracked voice floated through the now silent dorm. Remus looked around to see him slip into bed. Peter on James' far side quickly stowed a book he was reading and settled himself down for sleep. An odd feeling settled in Remus' gut. Peter and James must have slipped in while he and Sirius were using the bathroom and he didn't even notice. Remus sighed internally deciding that he must be going mad. As soon as the lights were doused Remus felt a weight on the edge of his bed. He sat up. Sirius had sat down and was running a hand through his hair. A shaft of moonlight from the window hit Sirius' face illuminating his pale skin and playing with his strong features and ran down his straight nose. He'd seen Sirius a million times before, but now was his chance to truly look at him. Sirius' dark hair was slightly wavy like Padfoot's pelt and barely brushed his shoulders. Remus couldn't see his eyes in the dark but he knew they were a ferocious steely grey that had once frightened him. A small frown graced his face and at that moment Sirius could not have been any more noble or thoughtful. It was a moment before Remus realised he was staring, flushed and had an increased pulse rate. Thankfully Sirius was still too occupied with his hair to notice Remus.

Uncomfortable, Remus shifted a little and finally broke the silence in a whisper, "Sirius?"

Spell broken, Sirius removed his hand from his hair and fixed Remus with those grey eyes of his and whispered back, "Yeah?"

"What's up?" Remus felt stupid for asking, but Sirius didn't seem to think so because he frowned again and looked down at his knees, thinking hard.

"I dunno this thing just came over me." He gestured vaguely with a limp wrist.

"Yeah."

Dissatisfied with his own response, Remus put a hand on tentatively on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius moved at his touch. But contrary to Remus' prediction that he would move away Sirius leaned into his palm. It was as if a thousand lightbulbs strobed in unison as Remus moved his and across Sirius' back and as if a tiny universe exploded when Sirius fell into his chest. It was five deep breaths before Remus pulled Sirius closer, wrapping his arms around the strong torso. Sirius pressed his forehead into Remus' jaw and nudged his neck with his nose. Remus sighed and his eyelids fluttered.

Moments of nothing passed. Remus couldn't even hear James's snoring. All that he could sense was the hot breath on his neck and the gentle sound of Sirius breathing. Sirius sat up pulling himself from Remus who forced his hands to drop as the contact was broken. It was as if Sirius was asking him a question when Remus saw those eyes fixed on him again. Remus wasn't sure whether or not Sirius could see anything in his own hazel eyes but he hadn't found anything yet because he was still looking. It was as if all Remus' thoughts had been frozen because he was staring into his best friend's eyes and was being consumed and wasn't caring. It just was. It was just as natural when Sirius let his arm creep up Remus' arm and pulled him closer. When their foreheads touched and then their noses Remus could not feel himself attached to his body anymore. Sirius' warm breath caressed his lips and cheeks and if that was not enough to make Remus keel over and die right there, the feeling of Sirius' hand buried in his sandy hair would be. He must have been mad because it was in that moment he felt he was walking on air, untouchable and Remus decided he couldn't live another moment without pressing his lips to Sirius'.

His lips were soft. The moment was so brilliant Remus found he couldn't move until Sirius began kissing him, moving across his mouth moving his mouth in such a way that Remus could not help but obey and return the movement. It was so slow it was agonising and Remus felt him burning up. A rough hand pulled his head forward and this kiss was broken as words were whispered into his lips.

"Oh Moony."

And Remus froze. For a moment his was a wide-eyed dear in the headlights of a ten tonne truck and then he was pushing Sirius away and choking, gagging and wiping his mouth. Sirius just watched almost expressionless except for a slight frown. Remus pulled his blankets back over himself. Sirius sat exactly where he was. Suddenly it was as if time had almost stopped and had now begun to run at normal speed again. There was a moment when Remus thought he heard Sirius say something but it could have just as easily been the breeze that was brushing up against the window.

There was more aching silence and then, the weight lifted from Remus' bed. He felt loss somewhere in his system but it was overridden with swelling confusion and the churning in his gut. Sirius was no longer watching him, but it was hours before Remus could fall asleep and by that time it was almost breakfast.

Ignoring Sirius was terrible. Remus had tried it before after the fight but he had ended up caving within the week. It was impossible to force yourself to stay away from that friend who knows just how to make up smile even when you have double History of Magic next period. But this wasn't like the fight at all – Remus was not angry with Sirius but he was very afraid. Since that night three days ago Remus had being filing through his memory questioning every conversation he'd ever had with Sirius. Then he analysed all the gestures between them and the appropriateness of the present Sirius had bought him last Christmas. Yes even the book "How to Find the Right Witch" was under scrutiny.

Remus let his head fall into his hands. He was sitting in a gloomy corner of the library hiding from the rest of the Marauders. Today James had worked up a brilliant plan using their recently finalised Marauder's Map to surprise Snape in a hallway and cover him with some Never-Be-Gone-Goo that they had purchased on their last Hogsmead trip. While Remus was more of a background worker on pranks - more keen on planning the logistics than actually doing anything cruel – he still wanted to see the plan in action and of course the look of Snape's face when he tried to charm away the goo. Remus was surprised that he didn't feel bad for Snape at this moment but figured that he was not feeling the best towards himself at the moment so what hope did others have?

As he thought of Hogsmead it dawned on him. The next Hogsmead trip was tomorrow. Remus groaned and let his head thump on the desk the loud sound of which earning him a 'shush' from the Librarian and a withering look from Lucius Malfoy on a nearby table. If Remus had looked up he would have seen one Severus Snape – quite free from Never-Be-Gone-Goo for the time being – watching him with growing intrigue.

Remus however did not look up until he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. The contact made him jump but on looking up into the face of its owner he felt a wave of relief wash over him.

"Hello Remus," Rachel looked at him with a mixture of curiosity and confusion, "Something wrong?"

Remus smiled at her. He liked the way her eyebrows curved up with her questions. Upon seeing Rachel's look of growing concern he realised he should say something, "Oh nothing really. Just school."

Remus waved his hand in an attempt to dismiss the problem as he had seen Sirius do so many times before but judging by Rachel's sceptical look he wasn't doing it quite so well. To his surprise and relief, Rachel didn't probe any further.

"Feeling okay for the Divination practical on Tuesday?" She sat beside him and Remus became transfixed by her black hair. Again he had to force himself to answer.

"Oh, yeah." He smiled weakly.

Rachel smiled and leaned towards him, pressing their lips together. An image of a completely different individual with dark hair flashed across Remus' mind. He fought hard to suppress a squeak but managed to do so by focusing on the kiss he was sharing with Rachel. Rachel was beautiful but still he couldn't find anything that made him enjoy the kiss. He frowned and pulled her closer. Why wasn't this causing anything? Remus didn't feel like he needed to rip all his clothes off or anything. Sirius always said that's what he felt like doing when he kissed a girl. Remus' lips faltered when he thought of the mischievous boy and before he knew it Rachel was pulling away.

Despite himself, Remus felt slightly relieved.

Rachel continued to engage him in idle chatter and somewhere in amongst her smiles and quick comments Remus found himself agreeing to go to Hogsmead with her. Of course being courteous she said that Remus' friends should come along too and Remus being equally courteous, of course, agreed to that as well. When the bell for lunch sounded Rachel practically bounded out of her seat saying she need to impart some news to a friend while Remus sat smiling and nodding at her every word. When he was finally left alone, Remus let his let hit the table again and he found himself wishing he had played more hide and seek as a child – apparently he was lacking finesse at hiding.

Eventually he decided that he needed to eat and so made for Gryffindor tower to rid himself of his cumbersome book bag before lunch. The walk gave him sometime to think - his mind deciding spur of the moment to play the devil's advocate. Before his eyelids to opposing images were thrust. The first was the kiss he had with Rachel in the Library, which was all muted colours. The second was a mirror to the first but with brilliant colours, fire, pain, strangling confusion and the feeling of Sirius' lips on his own. Remus saw the images, but refused to make any connection. One was a mistake, the other was wrong and that's all, he profusely told himself.

Remus tried to study in the common room that night. But the noise was louder than usual. One Third Year had just insulted his little brat of a pal and they were careening around the room at a dizzying pace. They were met with a gruff chorus of insults and threats from the weary troupe of seventh years that were slumped in the corner. They pulled faces and continued to attack each other - inducing squeals from the first years at the sight of the fight - until James came up and told them he was "Head Boy so rack off". Within the blink of an eye, they were up the stairs and into their dorms without another word.

When Remus finally collapsed into bed he found he was too weary to move. Nor could he reply to the 'goodnights' sent his way. As he felt his eyelids fall shut and the realm of sleep consume him he could not shake the feeling of grey eyes absorbing his image.