After the family had done mourning Simon (he wasn't that much of a loss) they decided to go out to eat at Denny's.
The whole gang was there this time, Kevin and Lucy, who were arguing …AGAIN. Roxanne and the Pastor Guy who were holding baby Savannah. Ruthie and Peter who were giving each other oral sex under the table. Mat and his deaf girlfriend (Heather?) were attempting to talk…but she couldn't hear him hahhahahaha…so he had to sign. Martin and Cecilia were in a deep conversation. Even Mary decided to come with her trashy husband Carlos. Annie, Eric and the grandpa were sitting there clueless because they are so fucking old and are losing their memories and shit.
They waited for an hour for the waiter to serve them since he didn't want to write down all their orders so he avoided them.
"You stupid, lazy, incompetent fuck! How dare you not serve us for one whole fucking hour? Don't you know who I am? I'm the saintly Eric Camden! I'm very disgusted with this service, thank you for your time and may God bless you." Eric yelled at the waiter after he finally came to the table.
" Then why don't you take your service somewhere else sir?" the EMO waiter responded sarcastically then pushed back a strand of his jet-black hair that covered his eye.
Before Eric could respond with "because my fucking family is to big to go somewhere expensive" he walked away.
" Goddamn kids these days" he muttered.
BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEP Kevin's pager went off. "OH SHIIIIIIT! I gotta go! Duty calls!"
As he started to walk out the door Lucy flung herself onto Kevin because she's a little annoying bitch who acts like she's 10 years old.
"Kevin noooooooooooooooooo! You can't leave the baby and me! You always do this to me! You put work before your family!" She screamed making a scene.
"Yah well someone has to support the family since YOU decided to become a pastor, like your ever gonna bring money into this family, useless bitch!" He punched her in the ovaries and she fell to the floor. Then he left.
In the kitchen
The Emo waiter is cutting his wrist and letting the blood drip over the spaghetti sauce in Eric's spaghetti.
He came out and gave everyone's food and Ruthie and Peter decided to come up from the table.
To Roxanne's shock Ruthie had semen smeared all over her face and in her hair.
"Oh my God! Ruthie! You've been having …SEX! Underage SEX! Im going to have to arrest you…im so sorry…gotta obey the law ya know?" She cuffed Ruthy and started to lug her out. When Eric came and slapped her.
"That's for using the Lords name in vain! Repent you sins!" He screamed.
"She bowed to Eric and ran away dragging Ruthie by the neck, which the cuff miraculously fit around."
Crime scene…w/e
"What's the situation here?" Kevin demanded to a lesser cop.
" Sir! We have a deranged 6'5, Caucasian, cross dressing male holding a daycare hostage wearing a dominatrix, pleather nurse suit. He won't leave till he gets his kid from his lover. His name is Hedwig," The cop reported.
Just then a 300lb middle-aged man huffed out holding his kid. " You aint getting my baby Hedwig! You haven't paid child support in 7 years! You just want his developing sexy child-teen body!"
This sent Hedwig into a mad rage that almost rivalled THE LOOK IN SATANS EYES! ARGH! He then proceeded to open fire with his machine gun on everyone, holding it at his crotch, running around in his pure white 6inch platforms.
" Hedwig no! Im your biggest fan! You finally gave me the courage to dress in my wife's clothes when she isn't home! I..I love you!" Kevin yelled as he ran forward.
"Fuck You!" He screamed and fired at Kevin who was now 2 meters away. Guts flew everywhere. Hedwig then promptly killed himself creating a murder/suicide. It was said to be caused from midlife crisis, severe depression, long term anorexia and abuse.
Back at Denny's
Lucy has just seen the news, which covered the report on Kevin's death.
" Lucy I am fo forry," the deaf girl said.
"OMFG, OMFG, OMFG SHUT THE FUCK UP HEATHER! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE? MY WHOLE LIFE HAS JUST BEEN KILLED!"
"Uut about da babeee?" Heather asked.
"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T CARE ABOUT SAVANNAH!" Lucy went into a frenzy smashing her head against the table, ripping out her hair, and stabbing her head with kitchen utensils. " I have no reason to live…" she got up and ran to the washroom before anyone could say anything.
"should we go help her?" Pastor Guy said.
"No, no I think she just needs time alone," Eric responded to lazy to care about Lucy.
When she didn't come back for an hour the whole family ventured into the females bathroom to find it flooded. They saw Lucy's legs sticking under the 3rd stall and opened it to find something shocking… Lucy lay with her face shoved into the toilet and had drowned herself.
Later that night
The whole family gathered at the Camden's mourning the loss of Lucy, Simon and the twins. They were flicking through the channels and came to Larry King and the subtitle ran across the screen: Teen girl gang raped and murdered in female prison. Could it be? In a sick twist of fate had Ruthy died too? Well to answer your question…YES! She was dead.
She misfortunately had the misfortune of getting on the bad side of a butch-dyke gang in prison and they had gang raped her with a long metal pole…ouch. She died of deep penetration and blood loss.
"AHH I cant believe this! Ruthie and I loved each other!" Peter's voice cracked as he ran into the garage. The family was too shocked to even process Peters outburst, not hearing the loud choking sounds and only noticed his absence 2 hours later. They found him in the garage; he had hung himself with electrical wire. (Only 12.99 at Kmart!)
Mary and Carlos' Rent by the hour hotel
"Hey Mary, come check out this shit," Carlos said as he held a PCP blunt (lmao I dunno how the hell they r taken)
"Carolos im tired of your drug use! I told you I only smoke weed! You know what? I'm leaving!
"Fine bitch I never needed you anyway!" "
1 hour later
Carlos felt invincible! King of the world! Like super man but the real question was…could he actually fly? There was only one way to find out…
…
SPLAT
Carlos' body contacted with the pavement 7 stories below his hotel and he finally died!
There was no funeral service for Carlos so he was left to rot in the woods.
The next morning
The next morning Grandpa Camden was making the whole family toast when his toast got stuck in the ancient toaster, how unfortunate. Being so old he could not make out the difference between a butter knife and a steak knife. He put his index finder inside the toaster and was shocked when it got burnt. In some kind of epileptic-Parkinson's twitch his other hand swung down and chopped his finger off!
" Ahhh!" he yelled has he fell to the floor and broke his hip.
The next morning Matt came in and saw the scene. He saw his grandpa lying on the floor dead. To some people this would have been a traumatizing event but to Matt being the great doctor/(necrophiliac) he was hid the body for other purposes it could provide him later…he got his breakfast ready and started to put the bread in the toaster when he found a finger! Gross! He got a fork and tried to fish it out but it was stuck. He stabbed the fork into the finger and tried to pull it out but suddenly…
…
ZAP!
Matt was electrocuted…NO WAY you say?
Just then two dark figures appeared in the hallway…
AN: omgomg who cud it be lol? Next chapter is the last one everyone dies!