I still do not own The Twilight Saga

RedCaprice is still the wonderful woman who puts my commas in place

Talk Ain't Cheap

Chapter 4

I sat in the financial aid office, knee bouncing uncontrollably. Linda, the receptionist, kept looking up at me and smilin' but I didn't see shit to be happy about. This is the last thing I need right now. I didn't sleep a damn wink, thinkin' of Edward. Everything we had was gone, and it was my own fault. I didn't remember starin' at the walls, but I know I damn sure didn't sleep.

I thought I had the answer to getting' Edward back, but as I sat in that office I didn't know if it was a possibility any more.

The best part of being on a full scholarship, besides the free schooling, was having to never step foot in the financial aid office. This place was fuckin' depressing. Everybody in there had a problem. They were beggin' for more time to pay off their tuition or beggin' for more money to survive while they tried to get a damn education. I don't think I ever saw someone walk in this place with a smile, and they usually walked out looking worst. They should change the name to the Bad News Office. I only came in here to complete the registration process and I never came back. But as I sat in the uncomfortable chair waiting on my name to be called, I knew I was going to get the same bad news that everyone else was getting.

I looked across from me to see another knee bouncing. The operator was clenching a white piece of paper in his hand to the point it was sure to be crumpled beyond repair. My eyes traveled up to meet a blood shot pair, and his opposite hand being gnawed on nervously. I panned the other people sitting there; they all wore the same pissed or confused face as the self-cannibal and me. A few of them were also clenching a folded sheet of paper. Apparently, I wasn't the only one to get the bad news. I wasn't the only one who came to tear the Financial Aid Counselor a new one.

As I sat there preparing the argument in my head, I was distracted by the sobbing girl who stumbled passed me. She was moving quick but it didn't take much to notice her red eyes, shaggy hair, as if it didn't make it to its daily wash, or her wrinkled clothes. She was another one of us.

"Mr. Whitlock? Mr. Colson will see you now," Linda said still smiling.

It was just fuckin' wrong for her to be perky when apparently a good portion of the damn student body was either sittin' in the office getting their heart ripped out of their chest, or watching their dreams of a degree being squashed with a white piece of paper.

I stepped into the office that seemed to be bigger than the waiting area I just left. The walls were covered in plaques, degrees, and certificates. Sitting at the large wood "L" shaped desk was the man who was going to make or break the rest of my damn day. I was teetering between optimism and reality. The letter was clear, but I guess I needed to hear it for real before I accepted the truth: I was screwed. Inside I was growing pissed as I looked at the larger than necessary smile of the man on the other side of the desk. What the hell was with these people? There wasn't shit to smile about . . . unless you have a wall of degrees to show you no longer had to deal with bullshit like financial aid.

"Jasper, have a seat," Mr. Colson stated. "Let me guess, you received one of those dreadful letters."

I couldn't find my voice. I simply nodded my head, my eyes still darting around his office. I may have looked the picture of cool but the strap of my messenger bag was catchin' hell as I clung to it in an attempt to keep my anger at bay.

"Well, it is exactly as the letter states." Mr. Colson let out a big breath before he continued on to the explanation. He finally looked like he was actually concerned.

"I'm not going to sugar coat this, Jasper. The school is over extended when it comes to in-house scholarships; which I am sure you know, are scholarships offered by the schools to qualified individuals. In an attempt to balance the books," Mr. Colson did those dumb ass air quotation marks, "we are suspending all in house scholarships until further notice."

"So what da hell does this mean for my tuition? I only have a year 'til I fuckin' graduate?" So much for holding back my frustration. I could see Mr. Colson wince at every word. I should take pity on the poor man since he obliviously was the one assigned to deal with the pissed off students that would likely be in his office all week.

"Jasper, I understand the frustration, but please calm down. Your tuition is paid for this current semester. However, if you plan to attend summer school and continue in the fall you will be required to make payment arrangements. We are offering special arrangements for the students affected by this process."

"This is some bull-," I started to say as I sat back further in the chair.

"Mr. Whitlock!" Mr. Colson shouted. "Please, the language. Now, we understand this was nothing of your own doing and the school is going to do everything in its power to correct this."

"Oh yeah? How about startin' with giving me back my fuckin' scholarship!" I jumped out of the chair ready to storm out of the door. He wasn't going to be of any help to me.

"Mr. Whitlock . . ." he paused to control his own temper before continuing, "there is a chance that before the fall semester begin the funding can be back in place. Just bear with us, okay?"

I wanted to rant more. I wanted to knock every one of his damn degrees from the wall, but what was the use? No shouting was going to bring back my scholarship and all my frustrations weren't all aimed at the school. I was having a fucked up week all around.

Nodding my head to Mr. Colson, I turned and walked out of his office. I stood there on the other side of the door collecting my wits. As I began to walk down the dim hallway leading to the waiting room I decided I wasn't going to be like all the other sad souls who had been, and would soon be, crushed by the truth of the day: the school had no money and it was up to us to fix it.

I straighten my shoulders and my bag and stepped into the waiting room; making the walk to the door. I could feel every eye on me as I walked through the room that was even more crowded than it was when I left. They were surely looking for some hope in my face that maybe they stood a chance.

"Sorry, guys. It's a no go for me, too," I thought to myself.

But I wouldn't let them see me distraught and I couldn't let them see the tears that desperately wanted to fall. If the tears began they were never going to stop and they weren't all going to be because of school.

*~*TAC*~*

The week passed by and shit was getting' worst with each passing of the damn seconds. After leaving the Bad News Office I went back to my lonely fold out bed. I skipped classed for the day. There was no fucking point if I was going to have to drop out of school any damn way. At some point, Carlisle came in and tried to talk to me but it didn't work this time. I wasn't tryin' to hear him and he must have caught the hint. I only wallowed in my shit for one day. Before the sun was up the next morning I was up dressed and determined to do somethin' to get Edward back. Having my scholarship taken was fucked up, but that anger failed in comparison to having my heart ripped out of my chest.

Over the days I slowly but successfully made it to each of my classes, and just like he was still mine, I found my way to the water fountain every day.

He was never there.

At first I was a little sad he wasn't there. I needed to see him, to try and talk to him. I needed to tell him that I was going to quit the smut talk hotline but now I had no choice but to stay if I wanted to stay in school. I knew Edward would understand if he just gave me the chance to tell him the truth . . . what I should have told him all those days ago. As the days went by, I got pissed that Edward didn't show. Was he fucking purposely avoiding me? And just as quickly as my anger rose, it was gone. I had no reason to be pissed at him. I deserved this empty feeling. It hurt like a bitch but it was my fault and it was a pain I had to live with . . . even if it meant living with it forever, 'cause there was never going to be another. Nobody could take my Edwards place.

But apparently someone could take mine . . .

I was pretty sure it was Friday. It had been one week since Edward left me crushed in our once cherished gazebo. During that week I continued the routine Edward and I shared for the six months we were together, but without him being a part of it the days and hours all just seemed to blur together. I went to the fountain; numbly sitting there, trying not to build up my hope that Edward would come, but curbing my anger if he didn't show. I was a fucking wreck.

My lazy eyes looked up from the book I was not really reading only to find a tall copper mass. My heart awoke for the first time in a week. I could not see all of him over the crowd that had begun to surround me. As the group of students moved about I took deep breaths. This was the opportunity I was prayin' for and I was determined to just drag him away, even if he was kicking and screaming. I would just spit it out in a mass of jumbled words in hope something I would say he would catch him enough to make him listen. Then, after he has stopped fighting me I could tell him, show him how much the last week had been hell, and if this was life without him I never wanted it.

The students began to thin and my breaths became quick and rush, never filling my lungs enough. But as he came into full view I wish, like the last six days, I had never seen him. Edward . . . my Edward . . . was lying in the arms of someone else. He was smiling. Not only was he smiling but he looked genuinely happy . . . the way he looked when he looked at me. Rather it was the scene before me or my inability to breathe earlier, but the light headedness quickly mixed with nausea. My brain was screaming to leave but my feet wouldn't move. I don't remember how I finally pulled my feet away or got to my apartment. I just found myself back in the only thing that comforted me; my couch.

I didn't stay in my haven long. I couldn't miss work again but if I was ever not in the mood to deal with the kinky people of Durty Talk that night was it. I was exhausted from the onslaught of emotions.

Angry, and yet sad that Edward had already moved on.

Happy that I hadn't fucked up his life, but pissed that he couldn't give me another chance.

Sick from all my wallowing, but wishing I could go back to the only place, and to the only thing, that seemed to care about me.

I accepted my fate: I had lost Edward and I would forever be with Durty Talk. This was my life; this was my hell. I was ready to live in it 'cause there was nothing left for me to do. . .

But then he called.

My head was down on the desk. I didn't bother to look up onto the screen, 'cause I could have cared less who it was or what fantasy button they needed pushed. My voice was mumbled into my arms as I gave my usual, though even more so less inviting, Durty Talk greeting.

"Jas, how is my cowboy doing tonight?"

At the sound of his voice I could feel the anger boiling behind my eyes. I could feel the fire in my veins ignite as if it was gasoline and the sound of his voice was the tossed match.

"Mike!" I sneered as my eyes focused on the screen confirming what I already knew.

"Hey, lover!"

"You have some damn nerves," I started.

"Oh come on Jas-y pooh. I heard about what happened to you and that bland piece of man. What was his name? Eric was it?"

"It was Edward and you keep his name out of your mouth!" My voice was rising, gaining me a few looks from the men around me.

"Well, Edward was a damn fool. I would have never let you go, Jas-y pooh. I am always here for you."

"NO THE FUCK YOU AREN'T!" I screamed into the phone; jumping up from my seat, knocking the chair onto the floor. The crash of the hard plastic on the thin carpeted floor was successful in gaining the attention of the last few people in the surrounding cubicles.

"I don't want you, Mike. I never have and never fuckin' will. There is no way in hell you would ever be able to replace Edward, or what we had. You are just a piece of trash that helped destroy the best fuckin' thing I had in my damn life!"

I could hear and see nothing. I was blinded by the rage that was pouring out of me through my words. Before my eyes there was only an image of Edward; his sad face the night he saw Mike jump into my arms as if I had betrayed him; the look of lost as he jumped out of my truck for the last time, storming to his door, never turning around to see me off.

My breath was short pumps, pouring out over my lips as I heaved the hot air out of my body. Everything around me was swimming. Slowly my surroundings came back to me but the anger was still there, oozing out of my pours, covering my body. It flared once more when my eyes focused enough to see I was still in that hell hole. I could see my loud outburst had pulled Maria from her office. She was quickly stomping my direction. I could see the disappointment and anger on her face as well, but I could have given a fuck less. Just as she was getting closer Mike began to speak again.

"Jasper, I. . . I," he tried to speak.

"Fuck you," I screamed looking directly into Maria's eyes. My words or the look on my face froze her in her tracks. She didn't know if I was still going off on the caller or talking to her. It was both.

"I quit." Without another word from Mike, or a single word from Maria, I ripped off the headset, throwing it onto the desk. I kicked the chair that was now blocking my path, and walked away for the last time. As I passed Carlisle's seat I could only give him an apologetic look, but he smiled back as if he was proud. I walked away from Durty Talk, never looking back.

That night I found myself back in the gazebo. I no longer tried to hold back the tears I had been guarding for over a week. I wailed uncontrollably into my hands and into the dark night thinking of all that I lost: my job, which was going to lead to the loss of school, and most importantly I lost Edward. No one came to the rescue of my cries. I fell into the floor, curled into a ball letting the pain and grief wash over me.

Somehow it was calming as I let the blackness take me away.

*~*TAC*~*

"I'll take these if your done ma'am," I said to the girl sitting; staring intently at her laptop.

"Sure, thank you."

"Can I refill your coffee?" I asked as I balanced her empty saucer in my hand a long with the other discarded plates I had collected.

"No, I'm fine."

I smiled and nodded my head, leaving the woman to her work.

Collecting plates, refilling coffee, and checking out customers: It wasn't much, but it also wasn't Durty Talk and for that I was happy.

I had been working at the Cyber Café for almost a month. It was a coincidence that I stumbled in when I did. After the night at the gazebo I knew I didn't have time to waste finding a job or getting myself together. Shit was hard, without question, but I wasn't going to sacrifice all the work I had put into school. I had one year to complete and I needed to work as if I had to provide every penny to fund it. I wasn't going to wait on the school to get their shit together. I was going to have to do this on my own. I didn't want to rely on Carlisle either to take care of the apartment. I was determined to keep my end of the expense up.

I couldn't deal with the possibility of running into Edward. Seeing him was going to be hard enough, and seeing him with someone else, being happy, would have killed me. I saw him with that guy one other time, in the cafeteria. He wore that same smiled that I use to get from him whenever he would see me. He leaned into the man's body, laughing as the guy whispered something apparently funny into Edward's ear. I could only stand and watch. I realized then no place on campus was safe for me anymore. Determined to find a place with fast internet and strong black coffee I ended up at the Cyber Café, where a red and white "NOW HIRING" sign welcomed me into its doors. A few days later I was adorned with a black and green apron, sporting a steaming cup of coffee designed out of "1" and "0."

I was feeling a little better about things. I was working, being useful, and I was back on track with my studies. I still didn't have Edward and I cried over him every lonely night in my bed, but I was making progress. Or so I thought.

I had been working at the café for a week and my manager, Anna, had just handed out pay checks. It was a long hard week of coffee burns, broken plates, and crazy caffeine hour rushes as the early birds poured in for their Mocha-double-lattes-with-iced-whip-cream–minus-the-foam. I was exhausted after working in the middle of the day; my body still not adjusting to the hard labor and daytime active hours. There were split shifts and mad dashes to classes. There were mornings I awoke to find I had slept on my text books, or never completed a thought on my paper. And it had only been a week. Yet, despite it all I tore into my first paycheck with pride . . .that quickly sank.

My check was only a third or what I would have brought home with Durty Talk. I drove to the bank to deposit my pennies, screaming in my own head about how stupid I was to leave Durty Talk. I hated it, but it provided the money I needed to live. So what if I loathe going to that building that looked as if they were also shooting porn in the back room? Being an adult meant dealing with some shit you just didn't like. .. Right?

Just then I watched as a couple walked through the crosswalk holding hands, laughing, touching, happy. That's why I left, because though it provided me with better finances, talk just wasn't cheap. I couldn't help but think of the most important thing that place had cost me.

Lost in my thoughts I didn't see the light turn from red to green. The blurring horn behind me woke me from my contemplations. I cautiously made my way through the intersection to continue on to the bank so I could hurry back to work. As soon as I walked in I asked Anna if she could put me on the schedule for any blank spot that she could. I needed all the overtime I could get if I was going to make this work.

*~*TAC*~*

I was in heaven . . . that had to be it . . .

The white surrounded me. The place was bright but it seemed to be a natural light. I couldn't judge the space, it was open and vast. There was nothing but peace. I felt whole; another piece of me was there with me as I walked in no direction, seeming to go nowhere.

"You are here," a voice came from beside me in a whisper.

The sound didn't startle me but made me smile. I turned to the side knowing I would see Edward's face, but there was no one there. Still I wasn't worried.

"Here is all that matters. You are here," the voice continued to say. His voice was still deep and slightly raspy, but seemed clearer than I had ever heard it before. The sound seemed to come from the other side, but again I turned my head to find nothing.

"Why does only here matter?" I asked still walking; still unconcerned with the vagueness of the area and the voice.

"You are here," I heard from one side. "I am here," I heard from the other.

The urge came over me to stand still. A greater calmness than what I already knew washed over me. I closed my eyes to bask in its warm, soothing feel as it covered me from head to toe; inside and out.

"We are here," I heard from behind me but I was too filled with the sobering ease that came over me to turn.

My arms began to tingle as softness slid from my fingers and along my arms. The sensation returned around my waist and settling on top of my stomach. I could feel a hard surface pressed to my back and I knew it was his body holding me. He pressed his lips to the back of my neck and for the first time I could feel a burning heat cover me. It mixed with the cool calming peace; neither stronger than the other; both existing in me, on me, around me.

"We are here . . . together, Jasper. We will always be here together."

The words sounded like poetry to my ears. Edward and I always together . . . it was heaven. I turned in his arms to take him in mine. His eyes were bright green, emeralds, as if he had been crying, but there was no sadness there. His copper hair was richer, making his skin seem pale and delicate, yet beautiful and priceless. My hand couldn't resist reaching up to stroke his cheek. I could feel the fire in my fingers as it warmed his face, bringing about the slightest blush. He closed his eyes, absorbing my touch.

"I've missed you so much," I said lowly, unable to find my voice.

Edward opened his eyes pulling me closer into his arms before saying, "I haven't gone far and we were never really apart." He placed his hand over my heart, looking back into my eyes.

The fire in me grew hotter slowly overcoming the calm and peace. The intensity of the feeling didn't worry me. I knew then that it was the passion I felt for Edward and it would only get stronger, deeper, and hotter. It would never die and never leave. It would only be sooth by Edward, and he only provided the temporary calm to keep it just under control before the levels boiled over and I had to have him.

"Edward, that night at the gazebo," I began.

"I know, Jasper. You don't have to say it."

"Yes! Yes, I do have to say it. I should have said it before that night; before everything went so horribly wrong." I took the deepest breath my overly stimulated body could draw in but it seemed to fan the flames. "I love you, Edward. I have loved you for so long, but . . . I let fear keep me from telling you until it was too late. I am so sorry. I love you."

"What were you afraid of, Jasper?" Edward's face hadn't changed and suddenly, in the place that exuberated calm, I began to feel nerves.

"I don't know," I said unable to meet his eyes, trying to retract from his arms. Edward wouldn't let me move.

"You do know, Jasper. Say it." Edward's voice didn't raise, his eyes didn't shift. It already knew what it was, but I needed to say it aloud.

"I was afraid you didn't love me back . . . that you deserved better than me."

"Better?"

"Yes . . . better. Why would you love me, Edward?" I still couldn't move from his arms. I avoided his eyes, full of shame. "I am just some guy who talks to kinky people on the phone. You are . . . smart, and funny, and . . . beautiful." I could feel tears beginning to burn below my eyes, threatening to overflow.

"I'm so . . . ordinary. I don't belong in your world." It was crushing to admit defeat.

"Jasper," Edward flashed his breathtaking smile, "you are my world."

The short few words, saying them aloud, exhausted me. I could have slumped into Edward's arms at his admission that very second but I kept my knees and legs strong. I wanted to hold him up. Edward's smile grew slowly before his lips began to inch closer to mine. I could feel his warm breath wash over my face.

"I love you too, Jasper."

What remained of the calm was fully burned away by the passion just below my skin. Edward was ever closer to me than humanly possible as I claimed his lips, running my hands through is hair. We fell into the vastness; the white light surrounding us, joining us. I could no longer see all of Edward, only parts. I could only feel.

His fingers scratching into my back as I felt the burn of the skin opening.

I could see his face as his head fell back in ecstasy; his eyes tight and mouth open; his broad shoulders as my hands clung to them.

Our legs twined together in a mass that seemed impossible.

I could hear every sound he made and feel every touch. I released all of the fire that burned so deep and hot in me that I feared I would burn him.

"Jasper," his voice called out to me. "Jasper . . . . Jasper . . . Jasper."

"Edward, please, more . . . I need more."

"Jasper . . . Jasper . . . Wake up."

"No. Edward, don't make me go. I need stay with you." I could feel the urgency too deep in my loins to stop. I was so close.

"You will always stay with me. Jasper, wake up . . . NOW!"

My head flung from its place too fast. Dizzy circles over took my eyes as I covered them in hopes to gather my bearings. It was then I saw the shelves of books and wood tables around me.

I was still in the library. I looked down at the book I had utilized as a pillow; the first chapter staring back up at me. I had done no work.

How long had I been there?

Who woke me?

"Jasper, are you okay?" The voice asked before I felt his hand touch mine.

Shocked at the sound of the voice I thought I left behind, I turned to see Edward's face.

"Edward . . . you didn't leave me," I said aloud. The look in his eyes reminded me that I was no longer in my calm vastness and he had left me. I looked down, avoiding the uncomfortable look that he wore. He quickly removed his hand from mind.

"Ummm," Edward stopped to clear his throat, "I brought you some coffee. I . . .umm. . . just noticed the time . . . you're going to be late for work."

"Huh? Work?" I looked down at my clock to see it was just passed nine. Then it hit me; Edward was expecting me to run off to Durty Talk. He didn't know. How could he have known? I hadn't spoken to him in weeks.

"Oh, yeah, thank you," I said as I collected my belongings and tossed them in my bag, "but I don't work there anymore. Bye suga . . . I mean, Edward!"

I made the mistake of looking up into his face as I quickly dashed away from him.

Edward always said I was good at seeing his emotions. In that quick glance I could see his anger and confusion. I didn't want to think about which of my words, of my slip, caused which of the two emotions.

Was Edward shocked I no longer worked at Durty Talk?

Was he pissed that I called him suga? I was pretty sure his new . . . boyfriend . . . wouldn't appreciate that.

I made it to the truck, successfully not looking back. Before the locks could settle in place, the tears started. Since the night I left Durty Talk, breaking down crying in our damaged love gazebo, I had no longer been able to hold my tears back. I could control them 'til I made it to a safe place, but no longer could I keep them from falling permanently.

I let the warm salty water run over my face, giving each a name and a purpose. This tear was sadness for waking up to the life I still didn't want. That tear was for the anger that I still couldn't face Edward. This tear was depression for having to leave the dream that gave me what it was that I really wanted.

That tear was the unequivocal love I still had for Edward.

The tears never stopped, but slowed enough for me to drive home. I prayed that when sleep claimed me I would return back to the place where we were together.

Thanks for taking the time to review!

A/N: Sorry so long on the update . . . I was writing a Christmas one-shot that I never got to finish and school took up the rest. Thanks for hanging in there for me. Already working on Chapter 5 . . . I promise it will get better for our pair soon . . . like next chapter soon . . .