Chapter Three
Hermione stumbled from the room, only allowing the sobs intermingled with gasps for air to come once she was as far from Severus Snape as possible. Her legs carried her out of the hostel, in the opposite direction to town, out into the wilderness.
She ran through the trees, with no idea where she was headed and what she wanted to do, only knowing that she had to get as far away from there as possible.
"Hermione?"
With a jolt she landed back in reality, and saw at Draco, who was reading a book under the shade of a tree. She stared into his eyes with a haunted expression, remembering him being there that night in Malfoy Manor, and seeing his father in his haughty face.
She bolted, running again, tripping over tree roots but springing up again to keep going. Eventually she stopped, when there was nothing left in her to keep going. Shaking like a leaf, Hermione leant heavily against a tree, trying to banish all thoughts of Malfoy Manor and clear her mind.
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A magnificent eagle glided through the trees and landed on a nearby branch, observing Hermione in silence with head cocked to one side. Hermione looked into its dark gaze and narrowed her eyes.
"Professor, I know that it's you," she commented.
Professor Snape materialised, frowning, and asked Hermione how she had known it was him. She laughed dryly, without the faintest hint of humour.
"A Philippine Eagle, Professor? It's hardly common, indeed I believe it is one of the most endangered eagle species. And it isn't exactly native to this areas. Besides, it had your eyes; so dark they seem to penetrate you. Or in my case, delve through all your secrets you keep hidden even from yourself."
She narrowed her eyes and stood with arms crossed protectively, her fingertips mere inches from her wand, which was hidden in her sleeve.
The girl didn't seem to be accusing him; her tone of voice was so languid that she seemed almost unconcerned, which Severus knew not to be true.
"Miss Granger, please. I'm sure you can't bear the sight of me right now, but please – sit down so that we can talk. I beg of you."
Hermione flicked her wand and conjured a comfortable armchair, which looked exceedingly out of place in its woodland surroundings. She sat down to show her acquiescence, and waited.
Severus was momentarily taken aback. Truth be told, he hadn't expected her to listen to him at all. He conjured a similar chair and sat down, taking his time as he struggled to compose what he was going to say. He looked at Hermione and instantly wished he hadn't as he saw the look of pain on her face, which she was attempting to hide as indifference.
"Miss Granger, what I did was beyond unforgiveable. What was meant to be a demonstration got completely out of control, at my hand. I never meant to cause you any pain, believe me. I have no excuse for why I did not leave your mind, especially after realising what I was seeing. I cannot even justify it to myself; I don't understand my own lack of judgement. I will never forgive myself, or forget what I saw,"
"Oh, neither will I Professor. Living it the first time was bad enough, but reliving it all over again was really the icing on the cook."
He winced at her cold words, and wondered if this was how his students had felt at the end of his sharp tongue.
"Miss Granger, don't expect me to apologise continuously. I have offered you my most heartfelt apologies, please accept them. There is another matter about which I sought you, regarding what I saw in your mind.
I was, concerned to say the least, at your ordeal. Partly because I know how adept Lestrange and Greyback are at torturing their victims for information. But also because I, nor anyone else, knew anything about it. I understand it is painful to talk about, particularly as I do not know what you suffered after I left your memory. I strongly advise you talk to someone about what happened, for your own peace of mind, and to help you deal with it.
Miss Granger, I am always here if you want to talk. I have suffered at the wand of Lestrange, and can understand some of what you suffered."
Hermione had paled even more if possible, and was curled up in her armchair close to hyperventilating. Her hand gripped her wand so tightly that it looked to be at point of breaking.
Severus knelt in front of her and took her hands in his, encouraging her to breathe slowly.
"I don't know what to say. I can't tell anyone what happened; I don't know how to say it. And I don't want people looking at me with that look. That awful sympathetic look, and they never treat you the same again. Ron was on tenterhooks around me for weeks after the torture, and he thought it was just the cruciatus curse. Draco was there, and whenever I saw him around Diagon Alley over the summer he couldn't even bear to look me in the eye.
I couldn't bear to have people treat me like that, to have them look at me and know something was wrong, that I'm tainted somehow."
"Miss Granger, there is nothing wrong with you. It was not your fault what happened."
Severus wished that Albus was here to talk to Miss Granger. It wasn't that he was uncomfortable with such situations; he wanted to help, it was just that he had no idea what to say to make the situation any better.
"Greyback was worse than her, did you know that? He's sick in the head, and it makes me feel ill knowing that he's still out there somewhere, in hiding. Bellatrix was terrible, I've never felt pain like it. But after a while I almost got used to it. Not that the pain lessened, but more than I felt like my mind was going out of focus. I was losing my mind."
She laughed bitterly.
"But Greyback – oh God, how he was enjoying it! Watching her use that spell on me was his idea of good entertainment, and he got more and more excited as he knew his turn with me was growing closer. I can still smell his breath on me and feel him touching me."
Hermione shivered involuntarily, and roughly wiped away at a tear threatening to fall, angry with herself.
"I don't know why I speak of it to you now; I've never spoken of it before. But now, when I look at you, I feel like you understand. Like you have suffered too, and come out the other side stronger for it."
Severus rubbed subconsciously at where his dark mark had once stained his skin, and remembered the night when he had arrived in his chambers completely inebriated after being released from hospital and talking with Dumbledore, and had gouged out his dark mark with a knife from his potions cupboard, crying and laughing at the same time. Wisely, Albus' portrait had visited Poppy Pomfrey in the hospital wing, and advised her to check on Severus. Severus was still sometimes unsure as to whether this was lucky or not.
Severus looked at Hermione, trying to mask his concern, and wondering what he should say next. What were the boundaries in this sort of situation? She wasn't his pupil any more, but she was still a vulnerable young woman who had momentarily placed her trust in him, so what was the appropriate next move?
Hermione solved that problem by continuing talking, and it almost seemed as if she was unaware of Severus' presence. It was the first time she had spoken of her torture aloud, and it seemed as if she was telling herself more than anyone else.
"He – Greyback – he put one hand on my face, and I shut my eyes because I knew what was coming. God, I tried to block it out, but I could feel his every movement. I could feel his breath on my neck. He was salivating at the thought of taking me, and I kept thinking to myself,
'You are doing this for Harry, you have to protect him and his mission, whatever the cost.'
I kept saying it to myself over and over again, and in a way it helped get through everything. I could feel his hand going down my stomach, feeling every inch of me. And I squeezed my eyes closed even tighter, and tried to pretend it was a nightmare.
And he pulled my trousers down to my ankles, and I know I started shaking then, because Bellatrix was laughing, and goading him on, and I caught Lucius Malfoy's eye, and we just stared at each other for an eternity.
Greyback was getting excited, and I felt him pull down my underwear. But all I could see was Malfoy, he was all I was aware of, standing there and doing nothing. I don't know if he enjoyed watching it. I've heard of some of the horrendous things he has down for pleasure, but this time he looked like he would rather be anywhere else. And I hated him for it. I could feel Greyback's hands all over me, and hear Lestrange's laughter, but all I could think was that one day I was going to kill Malfoy.
And then he suddenly looked away, and turned around, as if he couldn't bear to see any more. But I didn't have that choice. Oh Merlin, I didn't have a choice. I should have struggled, or done something to resist him, but I had a wand pointed at my head, and his hands and tongue were all over me, and I was frozen with fear.
And as Malfoy turned away, I was suddenly all too aware of what was going on. Greyback's hands were on me – in me, and they were so rough. He knew it was my first time, and that only excited him more. He unzipped his trousers, and I went completely limp, I was so scared.
And it hurt so much, and I felt him inside me and felt the pain, and I started to struggle, but that only excited him more.
I should be grateful that he didn't bite me, although he did everything else possible to hurt me. When he was done there was blood everywhere, and he looked desperate to finish me off, but Lestrange wouldn't let him. Then it was Lestrange's turn again, and I only remember trying to pull up my underwear and trousers between curses, as if the most important thing at that moment was to cover myself up.
When Ron and Harry came bursting in, I remember holding my shirt together, and trying to stand up, so that they wouldn't figure out what happened, so that it wouldn't distract them from what was important."
Hermione's face was wet with tears, and she looked at Severus with horror, as she realised what she had told him.
Severus had been kneeling by her side the entire time, and the pain in his cramping legs suddenly felt like nothing in the face of this. He spoke quietly, almost scared of startling her.
"Thank you for telling me. It was the right thing to do. And know that I am always here for you, not just as a teacher, but if you want someone to talk to. Or I can arrange for you to talk to someone else, another woman perhaps?"
Hermione's eyes filled with fear at the thought of telling her story again, and having someone else know her dirty secret. Severus took that as a no.
He proffered his arm, and helped Hermione up. They walked back together in silence, and it felt as if all the tension from that fatal occlumency lesson had faded away, and they had now moved on from teacher and pupil, to contemporaries.
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At the hostel Hermione returned to her room, curling up on her bed with a book. Worn out from the emotional afternoon she soon nodded off, only waking when Millie, Draco and Blaise burst into the room laughing about something.
"Hermione! Potter and Weasley were looking for you just now; they want to know if you are coming out with us all tonight. Are you coming?"
"No, I think I want to stay in tonight?"
Blaise shot her a flirtatious smile.
"But I'll be lonely without you to keep me company."
"No thank you, I'm not coming out tonight. Maybe I'm coming down with something."
Blaise raised an eyebrow at her cold expression of indifference and shot a quizzical look at the other two, wondering what was going on.
Hermione meanwhile was maintaining her apathy, pretending she couldn't give a damn about what he wanted. Inwardly, her stomach was churning and she wondered what was going on with him, and if he was going to mess her around.
After the painful afternoon reliving her innermost secret, Hermione knew she wasn't ready to deal with any boy, especially one giving off such mixed signals, no matter how much she liked him. She declined Ron's offer to stay in with her, and breathed a sigh of relief when everyone finally left to go clubbing again.
Her head was swimming with thoughts, about what Blaise was up to and how he really felt, and about Professor Snape and how their relationship had changed. It felt as if their joint suffering had bonded them in some way, and Hermione wondered how this would affect her individual lessons with him. She shivered, remembering everything from earlier, and then froze as she heard a noise outside her room.
'Greyback.' She thought at once, and shrieked as whoever was outside knocked loudly on her door. She muffled the shriek quickly; Greyback certainly wouldn't have knocked. She opened the door to reveal Charlie who looked worried, and apologised profusely to him.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry. It's been a long day, and I'm a little jumpy."
"I know, Severus mentioned that your occlumency session was a bit of a walk down memory lane, for both of you I believe. And I noticed that you hadn't gone out, so I came to check that everything is okay."
"Yes I'm fine thank you. Do you want coffee or anything?"
Charlie sat down on the couch while Hermione prepared coffee. To the external viewer she seemed absolutely fine, her face a blank mask concealing her emotions.
It was only when she sat down nursing a steaming mug of coffee that she started to talk, not really knowing where she was going.
"Charlie, I know this may be a bit insensitive of me, but can I ask you about Fred?"
Charlie nodded affirmatively, his gaze fixed firmly on his coffee.
"How did you get over his death? I don't mean get over it, but come to terms with it?"
"To be honest, I don't know. I don't think I have. I miss him more than words can describe, and I think about him a lot, but I try to get on with things and not dwell on it. He died with his family around him, fighting for what he believed in. And I think that's how he would have wanted it. George is that one that isn't coping, he's working himself into the ground so as not to think about it.
Why do you ask anyway?"
Hermione shrugged uncomfortably.
"I was just wondering. I guess I'm having a hard time coming to terms with things myself, I don't know how people move on from all the terrible things that happened during the war.
And I guess I was wondering if all the sacrifices were really worth it. There are still Deatheaters out there, and no one knows what's waiting around the corner. And all the survivors are pretty messed up too. I mean, your family was torn apart; Harry is obsessed with finding Dark wizards, even with the war over; Dean Thomas is constantly looking over his shoulder, thinking that the Deatheaters are right behind him; Cho Chang is clinically depressed and on suicide watch half the time. It just seems that everyone is worse off than before."
Charlie looked at her shrewdly.
"And think of what we have done for mankind. We have made this world a safe place for us, and for our children. We all have a lot to face up to, and for some people it may take some time, but we will get there. You can't win a battle without some casualties.
And what of you, Hermione? You suffered more than most people. A year on the run, living in fear. Battling Deatheaters, snakes, all sorts of creatures. I don't know what else you have been through, but Bill told me that he thought they were close to losing you when Dobby rescued you. I don't pretend to know what happened, but we all have to face our demons, even you."
Hermione looked down into her lap sadly, and Charlie had to strain to hear what she was saying.
"I feel so guilty being like this when people have been through so much more, when people have died. I tell myself I need to keep on going, but I feel like there is something wrong with me, and if I don't keep going then people will know that I'm not right, that I'm dirty and defiled."
That Charlie didn't know what had happened didn't matter, Severus Snape had opened the flood gates, and Hermione could think of nothing else now.
Charlie quickly realised some of what had gone on that night in Malfoy Manor, and proved much more adept than Severus at providing words of comfort. Hermione knelt on the floor next to him with her head in his lap, whilst Charlie stroked her hair and murmured to her soothingly.
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Sometime later Hermione got up, and went to wash her face and brush her teeth, feeling much better in herself. She gently shook Charlie awake, feeling a little awkward after her outburst.
As Charlie opened the door to leave, Blaise came stumbling in, clutching at the door to remain upright. Charlie raised an eyebrow at the obviously extremely drunk boy, asking Hermione if she wanted him to get rid of him. Hermione rolled her eyes and shook her head, saying she would do it herself.
"Hermione! Draco and Millie are in my room, so I can't go in there for a while! So I thought where should I go, and then I thought, Hermione!"
He cracked up laughing, falling onto Hermione's bed. Suddenly serious, he looked up at Hermione.
"What was Weasley doing in here? Because I don't want to share you with anyone else, 'Mione. You're gorgeous, I'm crazy about you. You know that, right?"
All Hermione's anger with herself for falling for him melted away, and as he pulled her onto the bed and into a kiss she hesitated for just a moment, and then kissed him back. He started pulling off her clothes and caressing her skin, and she was awash on a sea of sensations.
Hermione's breath caught in her throat and she involuntarily stiffened as she felt his hands inside her knickers.
"Baby, are you sure?" He breathed.
Hermione could smell the alcohol on his breath, and knew she was making a big mistake. But at the same time she suddenly had to know what it felt like to be with a man who cared for you; to feel loved, and not to feel used and dirty from what happened.
Hermione nodded affirmatively, and gasped as she felt him enter her. She wrapped her arms around him, unsure of what she was supposed to do. She tried to enjoy it, but all she could think was that she couldn't disappoint Blaise, she couldn't let him find out what had happened to her.
And then it was over, quicker than she had expected, and Blaise was pulling up his trousers.
"Baby, you're incredible."
He kissed her on the forehead, and then left before she had time to blink.
Hermione watched him leave, shocked. Whatever she had been expecting, that wasn't it. It should have been perfect, but it felt all wrong afterwards. He had been drunk, and hadn't bothered undressing her properly. Perhaps she had a romanticised view of the world, and false ideas about what was the right thing to do, but as she watched him leave she was shocked. She had a room to herself, he had just come to her bed and slept with her for the first time – and then got up and left afterwards, not even bothering to stay the night.
She lay there afterwards wondering if all that had really just happened, and telling herself to stay emotionally detached, even though she knew it was too late for that. He was the first person to make her feel normal again, like it didn't matter what she had been though, and she was completely enraptured with him.
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As always, thank you every one who reviewed. Please review this chapter and let me know what you think!
Lehayim