Disclaimer: Haruka and Juuri Kuran are the creations of Matsuri Hino. Her work, Vampire Knight, does not belong to me, and I make no claims to it. This piece of fanfiction is meant entirely for entertainment, not profit.
Chapter Four : Kindred Yet Kind
When I thought about, I realized that I had no idea how I felt about Haruka. He had always been there—like an appendage, something I used without appreciating or even realizing it was there. My first memory is of him—a calm, tender-eyed boy leaning over my cradle, gently pushing back my hair in order to get a better look at my face. Since that memory, he's never been very far from side—I've never spent more than a day or two without him, and even those times make me feel strange, out of place.
But did all that add up to anything, any tangible emotion? And if it was an emotion, how could I be sure if it was merely the affection of siblings, or something deeper?
"Hey, Haruka?" My voice was soft, but anyone who listened to that gentle tone and thought I was meek wasn't listening to the firm undercurrents in my words. No pureblood can ever come off as less that what she is—even the girls at my school could tell that I wasn't exactly like them—I was other in some way, thought they could hardly grasp what that way was.
He turned around—he still hadn't dropped my hand, I noted—and quirked an eyebrow at me. "Yes?"
"When you say…that you…I mean…" My words were coming out more fragmented than I intended. For perhaps the first time in my life, I wasn't sure of what I wanted to say. I could hardly ask—Why do you say you love me? How do you know its love, even? He'd just laugh and give me some unclear answer, like he always did. He was always honest with me, but no one has ever mastered a vampire's knack for speaking without saying anything quite like Haruka has.
"Hmm?"
"Never mind." Perhaps it wasn't yet the right time. If I asked those questions of Haruka, I'd have to do one of two things—accept his feelings, or reject them. Either I fundamentally changed our relationship, or I ended it entirely. And I was ill-prepared to do either of those things.
"Al-right," Haruka replied, drawing out the word. He turned, then, and led me down one of the cobblestone paths in the garden. At once, I was caught up in the sheer wonder of nature. Maybe, to us, who live thousands of years, the minute lifecycle of a plant is all the more precious. Roses bloom for mere instants, lilies crumble and fade before you have a chance to turn your head and look at them. Maybe that's why we love them so much.
Maybe that's the same reason we love humans so much, when we bother ourselves to make a connection with them. They can't be mates to us; there are simply too many differences between a pureblood vampire and a human. However, that doesn't mean that we can't be fond of humans, or even have physical relationships with them. But they are so fleeting, like snow in early spring…
"Juuri," Haruka's soft voice called me back to reality.
My head snapped up in response. "Yes?"
"You know that I'd never question you, but there's something I have to ask."
Suddenly, I was wary. "What is it, Haruka?"
He looms over me when he speaks, and it was no different, then. Even standing right next to him, I was barely level with his shoulders. Still, when he looked me in the eyes like that, I knew one thing with absolute certainty—Haruka had never looked at me and seen anything but an equal. He didn't place me on a pedestal, or treat me like a doll. In me, he saw someone kindred and yet foreign; like enough to be loved, different enough to be respected.
"Do you truly enjoy pretending to be human?" He stressed the last word, but it wasn't out of contempt—it was out of wonder, maybe, or disbelief. Haruka had never been the type to condemn humans for what they were; he merely respected the fact that they were different.
It took me a minute to come up with an answer. Wisteria petals floated lazily in the air around us, scenting the atmosphere. A gentle wind blew, pulling strands of hair away from my face. Finally, I sighed.
"I'm not trying to deny what I am, Haruka," I said slowly, mulling over my thoughts even as I answered. "I have never been—never will be—anyone but Kuran Juuri, a pureblood vampire. I've never wanted to be anyone else. But sometimes, even if I don't mind being what I am, I'm still not completely happy with the life I'm living." I bit my lip, at that, knowing how the sentiment would hurt him. And yet, I forced myself to continue.
"Maybe we're the ones who don't do it right. These humans live such fleeting, frivolous lives, Haruka, but no one can deny that they're happy. They're happy in their ignorance and their anger and their bliss—it's all so simple for them. In our lives, we find some contentment, but no one could make the claim that our lives our simple." I shrugged.
"I don't want to pretend to be something that I'm not; at least, not forever." He smiled slyly at that comment. "But for once, I just wanted to know simple happiness—happiness untainted by the fear of wondering how those who revere us would react, how those who want to control us would steer it to their advantage."
"That was all I wanted, Haruka. Can you understand that?"
For one painfully long moment, the two of us stared at each other. The very edges of sunset were upon us, so that an amber glow filled the air though there was still ample light to see by. I sucked in my breath, suddenly afraid that my feelings—my true feelings—would be the things that ended up driving Haruka away from me.
"You know, Juuri," he said finally, with a rueful smile, "every time you open your mouth, I'm left amazed at just how much life there is inside of you."
Relief surged through my body so quickly that I didn't remember ever feeling apprehensive. Of course Haruka would never abandon me, I told myself, and it was foolish to even contemplate the possibility.
To his latest comment, there was only one thing to do. In proper little sister fashion, I stuck out my tongue at him and ran ahead on the path. "Well, aren't we the smart one?" I asked, trying to bring the conversation back onto safe ground.
"Then you do something like that," Haruka continued, "and I'm forced to remember how much more you still have to live."
A/N: Thank you for reading this chapter of The Tender Flowers. First off, I want to apologize for how long it's taken me to get this chapter up—I blame the horrors of standardized testing! Secondly, I want to profusely thank all twenty-some people who've commented on this story thus far. Even though I don't have time to respond to all of you (I'm making my way through the reviews slowly, though!) I would like you to know how much I appreciate the feedback.
Now, onto my comments on this chapter: it was mainly put here as a preface to the choice that Juuri will later make for Yuuki, to turn her human. I promise that Haruka's surprise and the gossip from Juuri's class will once again be relevant very soon! Also, the next chapter should be up this weekend! Thanks again for reading!