All You Can't Leave Behind

Part Three: It Matters (Chuck)

--

Summary: Chuck is left wondering about a relationship that could have lasted.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl or the new surfboards they just got.

AN: Here's Part Three! Just a heads up: I'm going back to Florida in less than two weeks, and more likely than not, I'm leaving my laptop. I won't be back until the beginning of September. I'll try to write as much as I can before I leave! Vote on the poll on my profile, please! Love, Hate, and the In-Between is winning, but A City of Dust is only two votes behind. More likely than not, the story that's chosen will be written after summer ends.

--

I can't piece together memories of the accident like the others could.

I don't remember the feeling of glass from the windshield clawing at me. I don't remember anything about the very thing that tore us apart.

"I hate you, Chuck Bass."

Those are the last words I remember.

I don't remember what we fought about. I can still hear the meaningless screaming, still recognize how stubborn we were. I remember I forgot to tell her I loved her that day.

But it's so incredibly idiotic to not remember what we fought about.

It was for nothing, all of it. One stupid little fight caused this accident.

You can't help but blame yourself in a situation like this. If you hadn't said that one little thing to piss your girlfriend off, hadn't pushed the wrong buttons, hadn't deliberately caused an argument to escalate, you would still have your best friends.

You would still have your girlfriend.

But I don't have any of that.

--

They told me later that I was out for a few days. It's funny, that feeling like you missed nothing, and then realizing that you missed so much time in your life. The time you could have used to apologize.

She was by my bedside when I woke up. And I almost smiled, thinking she had crawled back to me, thinking that I had finally won an argument.

But she wasn't smiling. She wasn't even remotely excited that I had woken up.

She just stared for a few moments. So I stared back. I examined the small cuts on her face, noticed the cast on her left arm.

She didn't say one word to me. She just rose, turned, and walked away, like it was the easiest thing in the world.

I perfected that move. Turning my back on someone in need. I've done it to her more than once, but I never expected her to use that cruel trick on me.

It was stupid of me to think that she would come back. I desperately wanted her not to be like me. I wanted her to forgive me for that small argument.

It's funny how something so small can escalate until someone's heart is shattered.

You honestly don't know what you have until it's gone.

--

You'd think a girl you only dated for a few weeks wouldn't matter so much.

But over the next year, I replayed that scene in my head. I continuously saw her turn her back on me and walk away.

It was always so easy to do it to someone else. But when it's done to you, you can't help but wonder how difficult it was to just give up.

I blew our first chance to actually have something that could last.

It only took a few weeks.

--

We all stayed in the city. It was somehow fated to be that way. We had to look each other in the eye and see everything that we had lost. We had to face each other, knowing that nothing would ever be the same again. They all talked about us in hushed tones, about ties that were severed so quickly and cruelly that no one saw it coming.

I moved back into my suite and began to learn what it was like to be alone. I wasn't able to live up to my reputation. I didn't want contact I paid for.

I worked late hours and drowned myself in work. All my older, more experienced employees hung around the offices because they didn't want to go home to their nagging wives and children in sugar comas.

I stayed around because there was nothing to go home to. I didn't understand how someone could be so unhappy with a stable life. How you could cheat on your gorgeous wife with the intern of the week or abandon your kids, who were too young to remember it even happened.

I judged them for leaving other lives in shambles for their own benefit, until I realized they were just walking away from something that was too complicated.

A long time ago, I did the same thing. Now, all I wanted was to feel loved like I had been a year ago. I wanted their friendship and their trust back. I wanted to hold her hand again; I felt like I didn't cherish all those moments with her because I thought we would last longer. I wanted to redo the last year and make sure the accident never happened.

I wanted something genuine. Everything that was real was gone.

I saw her more often than the others. She never smiled when she caught my eye. She only lingered for a few moments. And during those moments, I could remember when I was afraid to tell her I loved her, all those times I let her slip away. I regretted waiting so long to finally confess my feelings. We never say anything to each other because we know it would be painful. I still love her the same way I did a year ago, but that doesn't matter anymore.

Without words, we are left to ponder what could have been.

And that is the worst punishment possible.

--

tbc