Chapter 4
Scene 1
Penny and Leonard are having breakfast. Penny is in a rush.
Penny: So, I won't be late tonight. Conrad has said that he wants us fresh for the big day tomorrow
Leonard: Are you driving?
Penny: I don't really want to. It's a pain at this time of day and all that happens is that I end up stressed when I arrive.
Leonard: (looks thoughtful) I could drive you, I guess.
Penny: It's a long way out of your way and I need to go soon. Why don't you pick me up instead? I can give you a bit of a tour of the set when you are there and let you meet any of the team still there.
Leonard: I'd love to. Will be fun to meet Dave, or me as I call him! And Bill.
Penny: Bill is picking his mother up from the airport. She's flying in from New York to see the show. Dave may be there but don't make out he's you! No-one knows that I'm married to a clever ol' Physicist so don't let on.
Leonard: Ok, but why?
Penny: Well everyone thinks I'm the clever one coming up with different ideas and I don't want them to know yet where I'm getting them from. Mind you if they meet you all tomorrow, they may figure it out. No point asking Sheldon to pretend to be normal!
Leonard: Despite his extensive vocabulary, I don't think it is a word Sheldon has ever really grasped.
Penny: I must go-I promised Amy I would pop in to see her briefly. I want to say "Thanks" for looking after you this week.
Leonard: They've not really been looking after me-just cooking and listening to me moaning about being all by myself.
Penny: Poor you. Mind you that's worth at least some form of apology. Got to go. The address is on the counter. I'll tell security to expect a mean and moody Leonard "007" Hofsteder around 5.30 and warn them not to anger you or you'll turn all green and "Hulky" on them! Love you (they kiss)
Penny leaves and walks over to Sheldon and Amy's flat and knocks. Amy answers it.
Amy: Hello stranger! How's my star? We're all dying to see you tomorrow.
Penny: Thanks. Look I'm in a rush. I just want to say "Thanks" for looking after Leonard so much this last ten days. The thought of him staring out the window, like my old Labrador used to do, waiting for me to come home would have been too much. Knowing you were giving him a bowl of meaty chunks and a tummy tickle meant a lot to me!
Amy: He was a mix of mopey and excited. He'll get used to it.
Penny: Is Sheldon around?
Amy: It's 7.34 so Sheldon is having his first bowel movement of the day. I daren't speak to him as it puts him off and then everyone suffers.
Penny: No don't do that. There is something. That headscarf you have with the red and blue pattern. Could I borrow it? There's a scene where I think it will look good if I'm wearing something on my head and the one Wardrobe is offering looks hideous.
Amy: Wow! An item of my clothing on TV! Bet none of the cool girls at school have ever had that. Course you can Bestie. Will it be mentioned in the credits? (Amy goes into the bedroom to find the scarf)
Penny: (Sees Sheldon's Whiteboard) He's been doodling again. Wonder if Johnson could use this? (she takes out her phone and takes several pictures of Sheldon's work). Sheldon won't mind I'm sure.
Amy comes back in with the scarf
Amy. Here you go. Is there anything else you would like? I've got a couple of really neat sweaters?
Penny: No. This is fine. Wardrobe have got a particular look in mind and mostly it's fine. I must go; my Uber will be waiting. (She leaves)
Amy: Fancy having my clothes shown on television!
Sheldon comes out of the bathroom
Sheldon: Righteo, wife of mine. Your brilliant husband has completed his ablutions and is now ready to take his latest brilliant ideas (he points to the board) and blow the minds of the scientific community.
Credits
Scene 2
Raj, Howard, Sheldon and Leonard having lunch at the University.
Howard: So, you finally get to meet the rivals tonight?
Leonard: There not rivals, Howard. There just work colleagues. That's like Penny calling the female doctoral students her rivals because I work with them.
Howard: Yes, but there not be paid to make out with you, like one of Penny's work mates is.
Leonard: I'll let you in on a secret. The actor who plays her lover is Gay so I don't think he will be hitting on her.
Howard: Well what about the short and sexy Jewish guy? I bet he tries it on.
Leonard: Where do you get the sexy from? Penny told me he was just short
Howard: Harry Potter was my height and the girls loved him. What happens if he looks like Daniel Ratcliffe?
Leonard: I'm sure Penny would have mentioned it if Simon had been able to fly around the set on a broomstick.
Raj: Well, what about the Indian guy. If he's from Texas and made it through school without being lynched, so he must be athletic-well fast anyway.
Leonard: Penny said that Randeep and Simon have both been friendly and helpful but nothing more.
Howard: All I say is just look out for the signs. If Penny starts every sentence to you with "As Simon was saying…"
Raj: "Put your hands on your head" (Sheldon and Raj do this). Ha. Your out Howard and Leonard.
Leonard: Very funny.
Sheldon: What about the super brainy one? He sounds the catch of the lot. He may be a bit intimidating for Penny, mind. I'm looking forward to meeting him. A sort of Clash of the Titans.
Leonard: Guys, these are just actors. There not real scientists. They're just pretending.
Raj: Anyway, I can't imagine Penny going for someone who's like Sheldon.
Sheldon: That belief is reciprocated.
Howard: So, they'll just pretend to hit on Penny and she'll just pretend to respond. If Bernie ever catches me making out with someone, I must try that excuse. Somehow, I don't think she'll believe me.
Leonard: Look, Penny has enough on her plate at the moment not having me play the jealous husband with her. I get a chance to meet them tonight before the big day tomorrow and I don't want to do anything to cause any problems.
Raj: Did she say where we'll be sitting?
Leonard: She doesn't want us too close in case she sees us and it puts her off. She told me last night that it means a lot to her that we will all be there supporting her.
Raj: What happens if it's a turkey? What do we say then?
Leonard: Apparently, we are to say that she was brilliant and it was the rest of the crew that let her down.
Sheldon: You know I don't do lies. I shall just say "Penny, you tried your best. Now can I have the Burger without the pickle."
Scene 3
Penny and Bill are in the rehearsal studio. The others are not around.
Penny: A friend of mine is married to a Physicist and he is always writing crazy things on his white board. I saw her this morning and took a picture of his latest ramblings.
Bill: I heard that Johnson was having problems getting something original so we were planning to just put something obvious like one of Einstein's theories but it won't look as good. Can I have a look?
Penny shows the photos of Sheldon's work.
Penny: Why don't we put this on the board just for today's rehearsal. If Johnson comes up with something different we can change it later.
Bill: I suppose so. I will have to learn some of it just to look the part but that should be OK. Why has he called it "Dark Light Paradigm?"
Penny: Absolutely no idea. But I can guarantee that very few people on the planet will know either.
Bill: You really are a dark horse, Penny. So, you hang around with people who can really do this Science stuff!
Penny: Not just a pretty face, you know! You reckon you can learn this stuff?
Bill: I once learnt to sing the Japanese National Anthem for one film. Not a clue what I was singing but made all the right noises. Will your friend mind us using it?
Penny: No, I'm sure he will be fine about it.
Scene 4
Bernie and Dave are in Bernie's office. They are discussing Penny.
Bernie: So, have you come to an agreement with the 3 Amigos?
Dave: It was, really, only the two we need to worry about. Slappy and Squeaky. They have both gone from "Sue, Sue, Sue" to being more willing to discuss this. I did point out to them that they were hardly innocents in all this. I think that they may be willing to forget what happened provided they get something from Penny acknowledging that there was a misunderstanding about it all, and we all keep quiet about it then we find someone less like Bruce Lee to replace her.
Bernie: Probably realised that they might lose most of their clients without a Y chromosome if it gets out what they did. Anyone who has met those jerks knows what they are like.
Dave: Jerks they may be, but valuable jerks none the less.
Bernie: So you want Penny to write a grovelling apology?
Dave: No, the legal team will write the letter; all we need is for Penny to sign it.
Bernie: I'm not sure if she will. I have not really spoken to her in the last two weeks but I do know she can be quite stubborn. Will you take her back in if she does?
Dave: I am not sure I can ever trust her anymore.
Bernie: If we want to keep what happened quiet, then we may need to pay her off at the very least. Those Medics realise that they can't accuse her of assault so the balls in her court.
Dave: Well, she's your friend, you recommended her, you sort it out.
Bernie: (Getting cross) You were happy to employ her!
Dave: Let's not fight about this. She needs someone to talk to her on the quiet to explain the options to her. I will see if I can get the cash to keep her quiet. You get her to agree to sign the non-disclaimer and apology.
Bernie: OK. I'm due to see her tomorrow night.
Dave: Good, because we can't leave this is dangling. We need it sorted by Monday. Has she been doing anything in the last fortnight like looking for another job?
Bernie: No, I don't think so. I think she's just been sitting waiting to see what will happen.
Scene 5
Back at Rehearsals. They are rehearsing a scene where Simon/Werner and Dave/Richard are setting up Kaley's Wifi
Simon/Werner: Now if I set up a Bluetooth video camera in the shower that is movement sensitive to link up to the Wifi, it will send through a feed every time Kaley is in there. Just think of what we can charge the Post Docs to watch?
Dave/Richard: Werner, can you give it a break. Can't you just be happy being in a sexy girl's flat knowing she's not going to report you for breaking and entering and that she actually invited you in for once.
Simon/Werner: What happened to your sense of adventure.
Dave/Richard: Decided to try and grow up.
Simon/Werner: I'll remind you of that the next time we go to Comicon.
Dave/Richard: (He checks the Wifi on his phone) There, that seems to be fine. Come on let's leave.
Simon/Werner: Hang on a second. Let's have a nose around. Kaley will be a while at the Supermarket. I want to see what she's got in the flat.
Dave/Richard: No, that's creepy. What if she came back early and caught us going through her stuff.
Simon/Werner: She won't, besides you can stay look out. Hoot like an owl if you see her coming.
Dave/Richard: You don't think she might be a little bit surprised to hear an owl at 11.30 in the morning?
Simon/Werner: No, she's an aspiring actress not David Attenborough.
Dave/Richard: You can stay here. I'm going back to the apartment. (Richard leaves)
Simon/Werner: (Werner goes into Kaley's bedroom and opens her clothes drawer) So what have we here? Black underwear!
Conrad: (Comes through from behind the camera) OK Guys let's hold it there. I think we are just about there now. Grab a coffee and come through to the editing suite. We want you to see the best cuts from all the scenes. I want you to go into tomorrow's show with a clear picture of how each scene will go, and the interaction between each of you.
They all go through into the editing room. Penny is sitting next to Bill.
Penny: (speaking to Bill). I'll be honest with you. This is the first time I've ever been in an editing suite. In most of the stuff I've done I think they saw "editing" as a luxury.
Bill: It's cool. I think your part is taking shape. There is good interaction between us all. I'm feeling pretty confident about it now.
Penny: But this is a first for you as well?
Bill: Having a starring part, absolutely. I have had a lot of parts; mostly speaking as well. They tend to cast me as the actor in the horror film who says something along the lines of "I'll just check in that room", whilst the audience are shouting out "Don't go in!" the music gets spooky and the slasher/alien/zombie-delete as applicable-dispatches me with the appropriate amount of blood for the film's rating.
Penny: Does that bother you?
Bill: Not really. I sometimes feel as if I'm part of a quota. You know "…but we had ten black actors with speaking parts in the film." Even if most of what I say is "Aaaahhhhhhhh" as the knife/chainsaw/teeth go in.
Penny: And it pays for the car.
Bill: You're right; it keeps me in fast cars and loose women. Or is it the other way around.
Penny: I'm sure they're not all loose-the cars that is!
Scene 6
Leonard is in his car. He is driving to the studio. His phone's sat nav is talking in the background
Leonard: This looks like it here. (he pulls up to the security gate and puts the window down. A Guard comes over)
Leonard: (Very Nervous). Hi. I've come to collect my wife. She's in rehearsals.
Guard: (looking at his clipboard). Name and Role.
Leonard: Leonard Hofsteder, I'm a Research Physicist at CalTech
Guard: No, your wife's name and the show she's in.
Leonard: (looks embarrassed). Oh, Penny Hofsteder is her name. It's a new pilot show.
Guard: Oh yes. I've got you. So, your Penny's husband. Lucky man. She's really gorgeous. All the guys say so. We've got an audience of 250 for tomorrow's pilot. Is it going to be fly or will it bomb?
Leonard: (looking relieved) I hope it flies!
Guard: Drive down for about 100 yards and you'll see a parking area on the right. I'll call down and get one of the runners to pick you up. (He opens the gate and Leonard drives through)
He pulls up at the parking area and gets out of the car. A young girl comes over to him. She is about 21 and very attractive.
Girl: Hi; are you Leonard?
Leonard: Guilty as proven! (laughs)
Angie: I'm Angie. Penny is just about ready. Conrad is just going through a few points with her. She asked me to get you a Coffee and generally look after you until she's finished.
Leonard: I can think of worse offers I've had in the last month. (they walk into the studio)
Leonard: Are things going well on the show? Will they be ready for tomorrow night?
Angie: I think so. There is a real buzz about the place, and all the support staff are saying it looks good. It's my first time so I don't know what "well" looks like. Penny is brilliant. Such a natural.
Leonard: (Looks surprised) Really? I mean that's great. She has been downplaying things when I talk to her each night. A natural? (to himself) Who'd have thought?
Angie: Yes, the way she interacts with the other actors, especially Stephen/Bill, is brilliant. Chemistry is what these programmes are all about, so they told us at Drama School, and they have got it.
Leonard: Chemistry eh? That's great (Leonard's face says different)
Leonard wonders around the set with his coffee.
Leonard: (to himself) Looks a bit like the flat. Even got a couch with a special cushion. I wonder who sits there? The white board is turned inwards. He turns it around. What's on the whiteboard? Dark Light? That's what Sheldon was talking about? I wonder where they got that idea from?
Penny comes into the studio and sees Leonard.
Penny: Hiya Sweetie. Thanks for coming to pick me up. Did Angie look after you? Not too well, I hope!
Leonard: (kissing Penny) No, she was lovely. Frighteningly young and pretty, but lovely.
Penny: I am so glad that they decided they wanted someone a little more mature than normal. 25 years old I can pretend to be; 18 is harder.
Leonard: So, show me around. Is this the boys flat?
Penny: Yes; and mine is across the hall. Most of the shooting is in here but we use mine for scenes that show how out of their depth the guys are when dealing with me-except of course Stephen who has no comprehension of what "out of his depth" means,
Leonard: (looks worried) Angie said that Kaley and Stephen had a good chemistry together.
Penny: Yes, we are really bouncing off each other.
Leonard: Bouncing off each other? Sounds great.
Interval
Scene 7
It is the following evening. Leonard is getting ready. Sheldon and Amy are waiting for him.
Leonard: Do you think this shirt looks better with these trousers or with the fawn ones?
Amy: Leonard this is the fourth change you have made already. No-one will really notice what trousers you're wearing-as long as you are wearing some. Going in a dress or in your shorts would get you noticed but not in a good way. It might take the focus away from Penny as well. It is meant to be her evening after all.
Leonard: I know, but I just don't want to show her up in front of her new colleagues.
Amy: The best thing that you can do is to be yourself. Penny won't mind that. I can guarantee that if you try and be someone cool you'll look silly.
Sheldon: I sometimes wonder, Leonard, if you were in fact adopted. I just can't see you having any connection with your mother. Perhaps it was some research project she was working on. You know, like the ones where they take a kitten and give it to a Lioness to look after. Still grows up to be a Cat, just one with illusions of grandeur.
Leonard: Thank you for that interesting observation. Based on those last two comments from the pair of you, and the fact that we are running late, I shall stick with what I'm wearing. (He picks up his car keys and they leave the apartment)
As they get into his car, his phone rings. It's Howard synchronising their travel.
Howard: We are all in the car. Stewart is safely ensconced with Halley and a box set of Star Trek original series, because you can never watch them too many times. Cinnamon will also be watching Star Trek because it is her favourite too. I am just awaiting your command and we will be off.
Leonard: That's fine. If we both drive sensibly then we can arrive together. Penny gave me the tickets for you all. I will give them out when we park but you need to be there when we go through security.
Howard: 10/4 Big Buddy. Let's get this convoy rolling. (They set off. Howard then speaks to Bernie)
Howard: You've been a bit quiet. Any problems at work you want to share?
Bernie: Well not really, maybe a little something, actually maybe a big something.
Howard: Which one of them. You kind of covered all bases on the problem front.
Bernie: Actually, it is the last one.
Howard: What is it. They being mean to you at work? If they are I'll be happy to sort them out by delegating the job to someone big, tough and handy in a fight. Wonder what Penny's doing? Oh, that's right, she's about to get her big break.
Bernie: It's Penny that is the problem.
Howard: How come? Isn't she about to become a star?
Bernie: Maybe. But whatever happens I need her to help resolve the problem with the Doctors. They want this problem to quietly go away, but they know that if Penny starts bad mouthing then some of their female clients may up sticks and move practice. So they want her to sign a confidentiality clause so she can't make trouble for them.
Howard: Wow. And they want you to discuss this with Penny?
Bernie: It gets worse. Now her boss Dave also wants her to sign a letter stating it was all a terrible understanding, the Doctors didn't try it on with her and that she got the wrong end of the stick.
Howard: I thought it was her foot that someone got the wrong end of?
Bernie: Very amusing. And, finally, Dave doesn't want to take her back. That won't be a problem if things go well tonight. But if they don't, and this show bombs, then she will be out of two jobs in one go.
Raj: That is so unfair. Damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. When are you meant to tell her?
Bernie: I have got to do it sometime between now and Monday morning. As such, can we combine our three religions, and pray that tonight goes well.
Back in Leonard's car.
Amy: Penny came over and borrowed one of my headscarves yesterday. She said it would be ideal for one of her scenes. Fancy my wardrobe being seen on TV. I might add it to my profile on the University Faculty site.
Leonard: It will be weird to see her wearing clothes that someone in wardrobe has decided that someone like Penny would wear.
Sheldon: Given that Penny is playing someone like Penny, you would have thought that they would have just said "Wear what you normally wear." Am I missing something or isn't that what real life shows are meant to be.
Leonard: Not quite. They're meant to look like they are real life but are still exciting and interesting. I mean who would want to watch a show of the real lives of people like us?
Sheldon: Well, I would for a start. Well not your life, but certainly Amy's and mine. Lots of people would want to see the inside of my brilliant mind.
Leonard: Now, we are nearly there. I just want to go through what you promised. Number 1. No sweets in the studio. I don't want Penny being put off by the sound of you unwrapping a Barley Sugar.
Number 2. Make sure you've been to the toilet. I'm not taking you out in the middle of a scene.
Number 3. No talking out loud. If you see something that you don't understand then ask me about it afterwards.
Sheldon: You make me sound like I'm untrustworthy and difficult. I understand how important this is to Penny and won't cause any issues.
Amy: Don't worry Leonard. Sheldon will be perfectly well behaved.
Scene 8
The cars arrive at Security. It is the same Guard who was there the previous day and he recognises Leonard.
Guard: It's Penny's young man, isn't it? Are you all coming to see the show?
Leonard: Yes. It's the three of us and the three in the car behind
Guard: You have six guest tickets?
Leonard hands them over. The Guard glances at them and hands them back.
Guard: You know where to park. Have a great time and tell Penny we are all rooting for her.
Leonard: Thanks for that. So are we.
The gate opens and both cars drive through. They both park and all get out of the cars. There is long queue outside the door to the studio.
Leonard: Lot of people here. Penny says that the audience tends to be a mixture of those who want it to be a super success so they can tell all their friends that they saw it at the start.
Amy: What about the other half?
Leonard: They want it to be the biggest turkey ever, again so they can tell their friends.
Howard: I don't mind a bit of turkey, even if it is a long time to Thanksgiving.
Bernie: Howard Rostenkowski-Wolowitz: if you laugh when you shouldn't, you'll be plain old Howard Wolowitz by the time I've finished with you.
Raj: Well, I shall just be swept along on a carpet of wonder by the lights and smell of the theatre.
Howard: Of course I won't laugh if Penny screws up. Only if one of the other actors screws up.
Leonard: Don't, Howard. This is not like an exam. If one fails they all fail.
Howard: Sounds like "Apollo 13." Look, I'm sure it will be fine, Penny will be fine everything will turn out fine (he smiles sweetly at Bernie)
Sheldon: Well, I am getting hungry. (He turns to Amy) When am I allowed my next slow release carb bar?
Amy: At 6.00 precisely, just before the show starts?
Angie, who Leonard met yesterday is walking along the queue. She sees Leonard.
Angie: Leonard. You're here. (She comes over and kisses him on the cheek). Is this the rest of your group? If so, come with me. You don't have to queue; friends of the crew get special treatment. (She turns and leads them off to the front of the queue.)
Howard: (whispering to Leonard) How do you know her? If you had said there were babes like her I would have suggested to Bernie she stayed at home
Bernie: (angry) Howard, I can hear you. Bats would die to have ears like mine.
Howard: I was just commenting to Leonard how friendly Penny's colleagues are.
Angie takes them through the doors to the studio. She takes them to seats towards the back.
Angie: Penny said that she didn't want you to close in case she saw you and it put her off.
They sit down in their seats. Sheldon is not comfortable and asks to change places with Raj and then again with Howard. Finally he decides Leonard's seat, which is in the middle of the row is the best. They change. The rest of the audience start to come in. The lights in the auditorium dim.
Johnson Stewart comes out to address the audience.
Johnson: Thank you for coming along tonight for the Pilot episode of this new TV comedy. We are shooting in front of a live audience, so please keep the noise down unless of course you're clapping or cheering—at the right time! As this is a pilot, we may re-shoot some of the scenes more than once so bear with us if need to do that.
This show is about the interaction, friendship and, who knows, love of opposites. On the one hand, we have Kaley, aspiring actress, fighting to stay afloat in Hollywood. On the other hand, we have four of Berkeley's finest Physicists.
There will be a break around 6.50 for twenty minutes. We aim to finish around 8.00-8.30. As you leave, you will be given a form to complete so we can get your feedback on the show. The pilot itself is on CBS this Sunday night at 8.30 so tell your friends to watch it. Those wanting a last sweet, unwrap it now and let's get going
Sheldon: That means me.
Raj: Shhh Sheldon. He said not to speak.
Howard: Shhh Raj.
Amy takes out the energy bar and hands it to Sheldon, miming that he should eat it quietly. Sheldon smiles, puts his thumb up and rubs his stomach. The lights go down and he show starts.
Scene 9
It is the Intermission. The group are together, drinking soft drinks.
Amy: It is pretty good so far
Bernie: Not spotted any mistakes. And Penny is excellent.
Amy: And the rest of the audience seem to find the guys pretty funny.
Bernie: It's as though they have never met anyone like them before, so everything the boys do looks weird.
Amy: Who would have thought sharing your life with a group of Nerds would be so amusing!
Leonard: How did Bill know that Penny has a tattoo on her right buttock?
Sheldon: Isn't it weird that Penny's character Kaley has a tattoo in the same place? And a Chinese character saying "Soup". What are the chances of that?
Howard: It's not chance, Sheldon. Penny must have told them, or somebody saw it, and they thought they would add it to the script.
Leonard: What do you mean "somebody saw it."
Howard: Well, in the shower scene, maybe the towel slipped.
Raj: I don't think much of the Indian character. All he says is "exceedingly amusing" in a silly accent.
Howard: That's funny. It sounded just like you.
Raj: And he's wearing a turban so he is meant to be a Sikh, yet he says he doesn't drink milk as if was a Hindu. It is almost as if he is a caricature of India.
Howard: Well I still think he's funny. Least he's funnier than the short Jewish guy.
Raj: Not a lot like Harry Potter is he?
Howard: He is a bit of creep, wanting to spy on Kaley. Trying to get her to drop the towel. Even if he has got a Doctorate.
Leonard. Richard is kind of cool. Tall and good looking.
Howard: Well he's no chance of getting off with Kaley. She's far too sexy.
Sheldon: Well I like Stephen the best. He's the most reasonable, sensible and intelligent of them all. Even if he does spend all of his time arguing with Kaley.
Howard: The best interactions are between Kaley and Stephen. That's what works the best.
Leonard: I still think it works well between her and Richard too.
Scene 10
They are all back in their seats. The show is running. It is the last scene where Kaley is cooking a meal for the boys to say thank you for them helping her move in and sorting out her wifi.
Kaley: Well, I hope your appetite is good. Your about to eat some finger licking good ol' Nebraskan Chicken Corn Fritters. Can't have Beef because of Chandra; Can't have Pork because of Werner; Can't have Lamb because Stephen thinks their cute. So Chicken Fritters it is!
Stephen: With or without a Chlorine wash?
Kaley: Without!
Richard: I am sure it will be lovely.
Chandra: Exceedingly lovely.
Stephen stands up and moves the whiteboard around.
Stephen: Well whilst we're waiting, I thought I would regale you with my latest ideas on the structure of Dark Matter.
Sheldon: (whispering to Leonard) This should be good.
Leonard (whispers back) Shhhh
Amy: (also whispering) Shhh
Stephen appears to look out into the audience, then continues
Stephen: I start from the premise that if Dark Matter makes up 85% of the Universe but we can't see it, then that means that their must be an equivalent amount of Dark Energy that we also are unaware of. If the relationship between Dark Energy and Dark Matter is the same as between normal matter and normal energy, then there must be an equivalent equation to Einstein's E=Mc2
Kaley: Anyone object to Chilli?
Stephen: I am about to open the minds of these poor mindless simpletons and you ask how much chilli they want?
Kaley: Half a Scotch Bonnet it is.
Richard: Not too much, please Kaley. It sets my sneezing off.
Chandra: With my upbringing that will be too mild for me.
Simon: (Leering at Kaley) You can make it as hot as you like for me!
Stephen: (Getting cross) Gentlemen please. We are scientists on the brink of a great leap forward in knowledge and all you can talk about is the Scoville scale. Concentrate. So this equation here focuses on WIMPS and how to identify them.
Kaley: Sitting around this table if I am not wrong.
Stephen: Kaley. Stop interrupting. I am talking about Weak Interacting Massive Particles not people like Richard who need help in removing small spiders from the bathroom.
Richard: Some of them are very large and they can bite
Stephen: Anyway my ideas have been captured in this brilliant equation that I have discovered to deal with, what I call, the Dark Matter Light Paradox.
Sheldon: (trying to whisper) But that is my theory. He's stolen my theory.
Leonard: Ssssshhhh
Bernie: (very loudly) SSSSHHHH.
Sheldon: (even louder) I won't SSSSSHHHH. (He stands up) That's my theorem. You've stolen it from me. How dare you!
At this point the audience turns to look at Sheldon as do the players on stage
Penny/Kaley: (to herself) Oh my God! It's Sheldon
Stephen: (staying in character). Not it is not. Only someone with my intellect, brain-power and humility could have come up with something as brilliant as this! Not someone weak, feeble and pale like you.
Sheldon: (puzzled and confused) But I only developed this two days ago. How could you steal it in such a short time?
Stephen: (still in character) That proves it! I have been working on this for months!
Sheldon: Stop it. This is unfair. Leonard, Howard, Raj, Amy. Help me. Tell this man that this is my theory. (He turns to the rest of the group. All bar Amy are now hiding under their seats) Amy?
Someone behind the scenes shouts "CUT". The lights come on in the auditorium. Johnson rushes back out onto the stage
Johnson: (to the audience). We're going to take another break for ten minutes. Except you. (He looks at Sheldon) Could you come and join me please?
Sheldon: (Looks to the others for support. However, all bar Amy have crawled out along the floor) Why me?
Johnson: I would just like to discuss something with you.
Amy: Don't worry, Sheldon. I'll come with you.
Sheldon: Thank you Amy. Not sure where my other friends are?
They walk down to the front of the stage, which is now empty except for Johnson.
Johnson: Hi, is it Sheldon? And Amy?
Amy: Yes, that's right. What's the problem?
Johnson: Well, Sheldon, you obviously have a problem with our white board theorems.
Sheldon: You bet your life I do. These are my ideas, dreamt up by me and condensed by my brilliant mind into a simple mathematical allegory. And He (he points dismissively backstage) has the temerity to claim them for his own.
Johnson: So you're a Physicist? Where at?
Sheldon: I am the Senior Theoretical Physicist at Caltech.
Amy: A brilliant mind; friends of the late, even more brilliant, Stephen Hawking.
Sheldon: Hawking was older and only sounded more brilliant because he had a electronic voice and he didn't come from East Texas.
Johnson: Caltech. That's interesting. I got my idea for the show in talking with some people there. Do you know. Barry Krypke?
Sheldon: Krypke! That's who stole my ideas!
Amy: But, how could he? You were working on this at home.
Sheldon: He must have heard me discussing my ideas with myself over lunch and worked his way through my reasoning to the same equation. I sometimes think even my mutterings must be brilliant.
Johnson: I promise it wasn't Barry. But just remember, guys. We do want to get the science right but this is just a TV programme and they are just actors.
Sheldon: But Stephen can't be acting. I feel a bond with him. He's just like me,
Johnson: Sheldon, I will tell Bill what you said. He will be delighted that you believe in him. That's always the challenge for an actor playing someone very different from yourself. Now, if you want, we can ensure that the details on the white board are hidden so that any real Physicists watching won't know what it says. Mind you, it would a shame not to include it.
Sheldon: (he thinks about it) Well, Ok as long as it is not shown on TV. That way I'll know it's there and that it's real, but no-one else will.
Johnson: If you like, we can let you come and watch some of the rehearsals and meet up with the cast.
Amy: That would be cool.
Sheldon: I would only want to meet up with Stephen. Hanging out with him would be fun.
Johnson: Can you go back to your seats now? We need to finish off the final scene.
Sheldon and Amy go back to their seats. The rest of the audience come back in. The show starts again.
Scene 11
The pilot has finished. Leonard, Sheldon Amy, Howard, Raj and Bernie are back at the apartment
Howard: How come Penny didn't come home with you?
Leonard: She sent me a text saying that they need a debrief, watch some of the rushes and decide if there are any extra scenes they might need to add. She didn't mention Sheldon's interruption.
Raj: I know that they redid some of the scene but I can't believe his interruption didn't cause a problem.
Sheldon: There was no problem. Just a slight misunderstanding. The writer was very nice about it and even said I could come and watch rehearsals and hang out with Stephen.
Leonard: Looks like everyone wants to hang out with Stephen.
Raj: Well I wrote on my feedback that it was all wonderful, Kaley was beautiful Werner, Stephen and Richard were all very funny but that Chandra was a bit wet
Howard: And I said the same, except I thought Chandra was funny but Simon was a creep.
Amy: I said it was very true to life.
Bernie: Me too.
Leonard: Well we will just have to wait until Sunday and see what it looks like. I really hope it works out, but if it doesn't at least Penny's had a try at stardom and she can always go back to her old job.
Bernie: That might be a problem. I need to talk to Penny at some stage over the weekend about that. Let's just say I'm really hoping the show works out for her.
Credits