Disclaimer: I don't own anything of AiW nor of the song or band or yadayadayada...

. . . . .

Alice turned around to find herself in a room the size of a closet. It was completely bare, but on the opposite side of her was a descending staircase. Seeing no other option, for she certainly wasn't going outside again anytime soon, she climbed down the stairs.

It must've been a fairly large staircase-she had already been going down it for a full five minutes. How curious, she thought. The building didn't seem this large when I first entered. Then again, I was falling from the sky and I had launched myself in through the upstairs window. I wouldn't be surprised if my perspective is a tad off for a while.

Finally, Alice heard some commotion from the bottom of the stairs. She couldn't be too far from the landing now. She heard loud, obnoxious giggles and hoots. There was the clattering of dishes and forks on plates. All the voices belonged to women and it sounded as if there was a great many of them.

"Oh, do tell!" she heard one exclaim, procuring another round of shrill giggles.

Alice finally reached the end of the staircase and took a glance at the party going on before her.

There was a single table set up that took up the full length of the yellow-tiled room. There were no windows and was only one door, leading outside. There was an end table standing near Alice with a vase of red roses on it. Looking around, Alice noticed that the room was a practical jungle! There were dozens of cracks in the ceiling and walls. They couldn't have been made from the very recent earthquake-these already had foliage growing in from the outdoors. Alice probably couldn't have walked across the room without tripping over a vine, root, or branch. Each vine she saw had an assortment of roses growing on it. The whole room smelled of roses and. . . something else.

Horrendously loud laughter drew Alice's attention back to the table.

There couldn't have been more than ten girls sitting at the extensive table. They all seemed to be around Alice's age, but they were positively more gussied up than Alice had ever been in her entire life. They each had about twenty pounds of makeup and powder smothered on their faces and their corsets were tied so fixed that she had no clue as to how they were breathing. Alice would've fainted on spot!

Alice's brow furrowed when she saw what they were eating. Bacon. And only bacon. (The scent of the roses and bacon together did not create a justified aroma.) There was a single large platter of bacon in the center of the table. The women were picking at the pile of cooked pork with forks, stuffing it into their mouths like savages. Each time one smacked their lips, Alice grimaced from disgust. Granted, she wasn't too lady-like, but surely she had never behaved like that at supper! They didn't even use the fine china that was set before them!

. . . . .

Fine china?

One lady, a bonneted brunette with an exceedingly larger chest, noticed Alice at the bottom of the stairs. She thankfully swallowed her bacon before smirking at her. "Oi, look at this one! An uninvited guest!" All the girls giggled and whispered to each other, holding their hands in front of their mouths as if Alice was oblivious to what they were doing. "Well, come, come! Sit!" She barked. She jabbed her thumb at the very far end of the table where an empty chair sat.

It was quite a walk to the opposite end of the table. She felt everyone's eyes trained on her as she sat down stiffly. Although she tried to not look at anything in particular, no one else was being too obscure about staring intently at her.

Still with everyone glaring at her, the brunette spoke to her again. She appeared to be the hostess of the gathering. "So, girl, what is your name?"

She cleared her throat and put her hands in her lap. "Alice," she said. "My name is Alice."

And she thought the ladies were acting obnoxiously before? Now they were practically jumping up and out of their seats! They were throwing their hands in the air and gabbing at each other a something fiercely. The lady at the front was the only one who remained calm.

"Alice, Alice. . ." she murmured, speaking to no specific person. "Now, where have I heard that name before. . .?"

One girl, a blonde dressed in pink, decided to make herself known. "Alice is the Champion of Underland!" she chirped.

The hostess's eyes widened. "Why, Butterdear, I believe you are correct!" The hostess turned her eyes to Alice. She could have misheard her, but Alice could've sworn she heard her mumble, "I would've thought that the girl would've grown into that head of hers by now. . ." Then she grinned at her. "Honorable Alice, welcome back to Underland. I am the Duchess, and these are my misses." All the girls smiled and waved daintily at her. "What brings you back to our wonderful land?"

"Well," she said. "I had just gotten back from a trip I'd taken back in my former world-"

A woman bedecked in purple jewels belched and waved her hand in front of her face. "Will someone pass the pork?" With that said, the madness began again. Bacon was tossed from side to side and forks flew through air. It was as if ten March Hare's were in the room! Alice had to duck to avoid one plate that was thrown in her direction. She heard a clatter and crash behind her and Alice gasped to see the fine china shattered into a million pieces on the floor behind her.

The broken shards of the fine china reminded Alice of the broken dish she had found earlier in the garden before the tornado had swept her into the air. "Excuse me?" Alice asked. The chaos continued. She cleared her throat and increased her volume. "Excuse me!" Did the pandemonium cease? No. Alice sneered and pounded her fist on the table, rattling all the unused dishes. "Excuse me!" She barked.

Everyone silenced and looked at her, bacon hanging from their mouths. "I was just wondering," Alice started, "if you were dining in the garden earlier today? I found a shard of fine china that looks like it could've come from these. There was a tornado there, shortly after the earthquake. . . "

The Duchess swallowed her bacon and narrowed her eyes, nodding. "Yes, we were. The storm smoked us right out, though. Why else do you think we'd be stuffed in here?" She chomped off a chunk of her bacon slice. She continued to speak despite the lack of room in her mouth. "What's it to you?"

Alice swallowed. Alice, you've been stuck with a group of naive, bigheaded girls before. This isn't much different from the last time. "I was simply curious, is all." Quickly, Alice thought of a new topic to discuss before all the ladies dived back into their bacon. Although, if they enjoyed bacon so much, surely they'd like to talk about it? "You know, that bacon looks mouth-watering. Where did you get it?"

Every single expression brightened. It was the Duchess's look that frightened her. The woman grinned menacingly at Alice. "Oh, thank you, Alice. I made it."

All the girls smiled and exclaimed how brilliant the Duchess was at cooking bacon. "The Duchess's bacon is the best in all the land!"

"Her bacon is simply scrumptious!"

"This bacon is amazing!"

So on and so on. "Where did you get the bacon?" Alice asked Duchess.

That evil grin was still glued onto her face. "Did you know that I used to be a mother, Alice?"

Her brow furrowed. "Err, yes, I believe I recall you having a small child when I had first come to Wonderland."

The Duchess nodded. "Indeed." She picked up a piece of bacon and threw it in her mouth. "And I had to go run an errand, you remember. But alas, I needed a babysitter. You were kind enough to help me out, little Champion."

"And then. . ." Alice tried to remember what happened next. It wasn't the fact that the event had occurred in Wonderland, she was just very little when she had first arrived. "Oh! Then the child had sneezed so much that it turned into a pig." Alice nodded, content with her long-off memory.

Alice's brow furrowed. "Wait. . ." She looked down at the table, the Duchess smiling at her as recognition finally broke through her clouded mind (although she still hadn't found it). Alice's eyes locked on the large platter of bacon. She gasped.

"That was your child!" Alice stood up from her chair, eyes wide with a mix of shock and repulsion.

The Duchess laughed at her, bacon falling from her mouth and onto her empty plate. "Oh, don't ever get too attached to things, my dear." Alice gaped at her. "Besides," she added, "He kept whining and crying and boo hoo, boo hoo. So, I could only hope that he tasted better than he behaved." She chomped on another piece of pork. "And may I just say that he certainly does!"

Alice didn't know what to say. No matter how much her child whined or cried, she'd never ever cook, bake, grill, or fry it. That was for certain.

One lady in a green cap pointed at her and giggled. "Look at her face! It's practically priceless!"

Alice shook her head as every girl but the Duchess laughed at her. The Duchess was still grinning, ripping a piece of pork in half.

"Look at that mess of hair! Doesn't she own a brush?"

"I doubt she knows what a brush is!"

"And her face! What's wrong with her face?"'

"I have no clue, yet I'm looking right at her!"

"Not much of a Champion, is she?"

Alice was used to harsh treatment and being talked about like she was hard of hearing, but this was just awful! The girls went on and on about how unsuitable Alice looked and how much of a shock it was that she was the true Champion of Underland. Alice could take it no longer. She turned on her heels and stormed out of the door, yet she didn't hear it slam behind her.

Alice kept moving.

. . . . .

Insanity: . . . Bacon. Really? Bacon?

Rachel: You'd only get that if you had ever read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. If not, you're clueless about the whole bacon and Duchess issue.

Insanity: Ohhhhhhh. I gotcha.