Watching old movies had become Mango's favorite pastime. It could be that he just liked sitting on her while she lay on the couch. But either way, this had quickly become their special time together. Kate wished she had had Mango months ago when she had sent up that test balloon.
"If you had gone to middle school you would have hated it too, Mango."
She shuddered a bit at the memory of the embarrassment.
"It felt exactly like middle school."
Mango stared at her blankly. She appreciated this. He didn't respond, didn't talk excessively, he just took it all in.
She turned back to the television trying to suppress the memory. The memory of the embarrassment was nothing compared to her disappointment in herself. That embarrassment had been completely avoidable. She had allowed herself to be swept up by a compliment and give in against her better judgment. Kate wasn't sure why she had thought that this time was going to be any different than her usual track record with such things. Perhaps it was that Leonard had built up her self-confidence a bit when he told her she was a catch, promising that everything was different now from growing up. Going to his office certainly wasn't the most excruciating moment of her life, but it did remind her of all of her past instances that she had thought were long since behind her.
Her whole body had crouched as she walked away from his office, exhaling with a shudder. The discomfort in her stomach at that moment acutely reminded her why she never did such things. Like Leonard, she liked being a prosecutor because she liked being in control. She could prepare, and plan, and everything could be expected. Even the unexpected surprises sprung on her by defense counsel never seemed to phase her because she had always thought through contingencies and appreciated that challenge. These surprises were not emotional though. They were another opportunity for her to perfect her craft. Emotions were harder to control. When her personal plans derailed, she had barely any control over what other people did and even less control over her own emotions.
"I need to work on handling my emotions better, Mango. How do you do it?"
Again, he just stared at her. Maybe, it was easier for Mango because he didn't have emotions. Instead, her awkwardness became more acute after she asked him out for dinner. At first she had thought he was just oblivious. He waltzed into her office like any other day bragging about some case or another. She obviously didn't do a good job of hiding the way her whole body tensed up and her heart started racing. He must have noticed the tone in her voice or the lack of banter between them because he asked if she was ok. The uncharacteristic inquiry into her wellbeing threw her off and the high-pitched way in which she assured him that everything was fine probably did little to convince him. His invitation to the donor lunch did not help the situation either. Just another reminder of how foolish she had been. Kate would never fit in to his lifestyle.
He didn't even allow her the space to wallow, or time to attempt to control her emotions (it was unclear even to Kate what was happening). He kept finding her and asking her advice. And then before she could even fully regain control over the whole situation, he was standing there, close enough so she could have reached up and kissed him, asking if they would work. Fully acknowledging the situation was the absolute last thing that she wanted to do. He had thought about it though. She could feel her heart racing even in her fingertips. He had also thought about it. For a split second she almost gave in. But it wouldn't work. It may be great in their work-bubble, it may be great in the here and now. But he was being groomed and she did not grip and grin.
"I almost kissed him. And then I almost said no, Mango." Mango didn't seem to believe her in the slightest. "It doesn't matter what I said, it had the same effect. I am allowed to act out of my own self-preservation."
It would never work.