Hey everyone! Just like to remind you that these fairy tales are totally... upside down. So, if I mix them up or turn them around, it's how it's supposed to be. Okay? These are also usually done when I'm on a natural high that is caused by too much laughing, running around or me just generally being an idiot.
Sorry they take so long, but, they were only ever meant to be writing block killers... and if I don't have writer's block, then, well, they arent going to be written... are they? So, I'm truly, honestly sorry for making you wait for these but, I don't want to post something that's really stupid... wait, scratch that, and put in 'that's crap'. Basically. Ok? Please don't be offended, I am only meaning this as an explanation.
Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, The Ugly Duckling, or anything else in this story.
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The Ugly Duckling
Once, there lived a mother duck and a father duck, on a little bank beside a pretty little pond.
Author: Aww, how sweet. You know, I think I did well with that sentence. Don't you?
Nami: Please, can we just get on with the story. I'm getting a headache.
Anyway, for some reason unbeknownst to the author, the mother duck laid an egg that was twice the size of her normal ones.
Luffy: Ooh, that smarts.
Shanks: I'm glad I'm the father duck. -grin-
Crickets: -chirp-
Well, it came the day for the eggs to hatch and both the mother and father duck were off getting their beaks done.
Zoro: You know, you have a very strange and weird sense of humour.
Author: Thankyou very much. That's the only nice thing you've said to me.
Zoro: -sweat drop- it wasn't meant as a compliment.
Author: Meh!
When the two ducks returned, they found that their eggs had hatched, and tiny little balls of fluff were running in circles everywhere. Aka, baby ducks. There was a larger, thicker and more gangly 'duck' running amongst them. It stopped and looked up at the mother duck, who blinked back at it.
"Well, if he isn't the ugliest damn duck I've ever seen." the father duck commented. The mother duck dissolved into laughter and rolled around on the ground for a while until finally getting up again.
Smoker: You want me to play this part? Then tell the story right!
Author: Dude, did you not read the title of this segment? It's 'messed up' fairy tales.
Smoker: I don't give a damn. If you don't make this work, I'll arrest you!
Author: -looks sceptical- dude… I'm the author of this current story. I do not exist in your world. You cannot arrest me! -dances around Smoker and pokes her tongue out-
Zoro: Marine, just shut up. You won't win. She's typing our sentences.
Author: Exactly! -grins triumphantly-
Smoker: -growl-
"Why am I so ugly?" the little duck asked. The mother duck shrugged and looked to the father duck.
"Beats the hell outta me." the father duck replied which caused the Mother duck to turn back to the ugly duckling again.
"There you go." and then the mother duck waddled away to play with her other more cute ducklings. And then the ugly duckling saw a tall, important looking male duck walking towards him. The duck paused upon seeing him and then leaned right down and glared at the ugly duckling.
"Well, you're the ugliest damn thing I've ever seen." the important duck said.
Zoro: Ahahaha! And the best thing about this is, Smoker can't do anything about it! -laughs-
Smoker: -growls- he's right.
Author: XD
"Why am I so ugly?" the ugly duckling asked. The important duck shrugged.
"Because you're ugly. Nothing anyone can do about it." and he walked off again, leaving the little duckling to look miserable. So the ugly duckling decided, 'Hey, why not run away and join the circus if I'm so ugly?' Well, thought the little duckling, wasn't that just a dandy idea. He could be an attraction in the main arena, or he could be… something else. Actually, he really wasn't sure what went on at a circus. Meh. Who cared, as long as he was away from all these people who thought he was so damn ugly.
Smoker: Enough with the ugly jokes!
Author: Hey, dude, I'm just telling the truth… and the truth hurts. -wink-
Smoker: Oh fuck off…
Zoro, Sanji, Luffy, Nami: Uh-oh…
Author: -smiles at Audience- hello there, I would like to remind you that you should not try this at home. -slaps Smoker around the face and then throws him back into the story-
So the little ugly, strange looking, grey, bald in spots, odd duckling, fluttered for miles and miles (actually, he only fluttered for a few meters) until he came to a moor.
Luffy: What's a moor?
Author: -shrugs- beats me. I read it in the book.
Zoro: …isn't there like… spellcheck or something on this thing?
Author: What? The computer? How the hell do you know that!?
Zoro: Because currently, we are on your computer…
Luffy and Usopp: Ooooh. Good comeback.
Nami: This story is never going to be finished, and I am never going to get paid! -throws hands into the air and stalks off into a corner-
Sanji: Zoro, stop being a smart ass and just let the author continue.
Zoro: Fuck you, asshole.
Author: Shut the hell up the pair of you, or you'll both be princesses in the next story.
Sanji, Zoro: -gulp-
So, anyway, the duckling ended up near the moor where he met two wild ducks that were swimming in the water.
"Hey! Do either of you know where this road goes?" the ugly duckling called, hoping they wouldn't be able to see him in his ugliness. One of the ducks spun around, wings flapping angrily.
"What did you say about my nose!?"
"Oh shut up you idiot. Can't you see that ugly thing is lost?" the other duck snapped. The ugly duckling watched as they swam over, the first duck still steaming apparent remark about his nose.
"I have no idea where this road goes…" the second duck said, looking the ugly duckling up and down, "but you aren't rich by any chance?"
"No…" the ugly duck replied.
Kuro: I object to that. I am not a money grubbing pirate.
Everyone else in the world: Yes, you are.
Kuro: I'm going to kill you all.
Luffy: Not if I kick your ass!
Zoro, Sanji, Nami, Usopp, Chopper, Robin, Ace and Author: …again.
Luffy: -whispers to Zoro- Who is he?
Kuro: I believe I am offended. -turns away angrily-
"What do you think of my nose? Surely it is not as ugly as you are!" the first duck cried, laughing like a maniac.
"No. It's not." the ugly duckling conceded, "It's just really big." and the first duck stopped. The second duck gave a short quack of laughter before flying off. The first duck gave the ugly duckling a stony glare while the ugly duckling stared back, not really caring.
Luffy: Well, your nose is rather big… and fake looking, Buggy.
Author: Heh, I agree.
Buggy: Stop talking about my nose!!
Smoker: …You're all idiots.
Author: Oi! Just get back to work already!
Smoker: Work!? You don't even pay me! I get better pay when I'm sitting in the middle of the ocean, twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the straw hat brat to show up!
Zoro: …Someone has some anger issues.
Luffy: -giggle-
Well, after the ugly duckling had wandered off, leaving the duck with the fake looking beak to try and drown himself (because, apparently, swimming wasn't something he was good at, him being a duck and all), the ugly duckling now found himself facing a rather large bird he had never seen before. She was tall, long necked… and hissed at him.
Nami: I do not hiss! -puts hands on her hips-
Zoro, Usopp, Luffy: Che, right.
Nami: -death glare-
Zoro, Usopp, Luffy: …mummy.
The goose, (as she announced herself) stood proudly above the little duckling.
"You're an ugly little thing, aren't you?" she asked. The duckling backed away from her and then quailed on the ground. This goose hissed, and she was scary beyond belief.
Nami: This is getting ridiculous. -sighs-
The little duckling moved away from her, and then turned to run, shaking his tail as he went. The goose cracked up, laughing so hard that she fell over and flapped her wings about.
Smoker: What's so funny?
Nami: -still laughing- look in a …mirror! -laughs some more-
Smoker: -goes to look-
Author: -smirks- three… two… one…
Smoker: MY ASS IS FLUFFY!?!?
Every character from the One Piece world: -cracks up laughing-
Author: -crosses arms and smirks happily- it had to be done. Sorry. -shrugs-
Offended, the duckling ran and ran until he was stopped by a large dog. It's hackles were raised.
"Back off barky, I'm on my way to Emerald city, and if I don't fall asleep in the poppies, I'll never get to see my Aunty Em again! ." the duckling cried. The dog blinked.
"Err..." the dog noised.
Everyone: -pulls out their scripts- that's not right!
Sanji: Umm… I'm supposed to bark and chase Smoker down a hill until he has a near death experience… right?
Smoker: Why the hell wasn't I told about that!?
Zoro: Because you're unimportant. -smirks-
Luffy: I'm hungry.
Author: Shut! Up! -takes a deep breath and turns to Nami- if you don't stop meddling with these stories, I'm going to not pay you.
Nami: -gasp- but I didn't do it! It was Usopp!
Author: -glares at the marksman-
The dog barked and snapped at the duckling's neck, chasing him down the hill and making the duckling fly head over heels and nearly break it's poor little neck on a large rock at the bottom of the hill. The duckling was not only ugly, but apparently it was lucky.
Author: Actually, I just can't make Smoker die. I've tried to throw him off a cliff, drown him, hit him with a rock and smother him in teddy bear stuffing, but nothing works. -shrugs-
Zoro: Have you tried blowing him away with a fan?
Luffy: Ooh! I can make a pinwheel with my arms!
Author: Perfect! Now… where's he gone? -looks around-
Grass was cold against his feet as the duckling walked towards the cottage.
"Oh my my, look my dear friend, lunch has walked into our midst." a large, black cat was sitting on a post.
"Lunch!??" a voice cried and suddenly the mother duck was there.
Usopp: The hell!? Luffy! Go back to the barnyard where you're supposed to be! This is Chopper's cameo!
Luffy: Nawww… I'm hungry but!
Author: Go home!
Luffy: -sighs and slinks home again-
Author: -sighs again- Pest…
Out of the darkness of the cottage beside the cat, a hen came flapping and clucking wildly, scaring the duckling practically senseless.
"You can't eat any more cat!" the hen cried, flapping her wings around.
Usopp: Hen's… are girl chickens?
Chopper: Of course baka! Didn't you know that!?
Usopp: O-of course I did! I was just testing your knowledge! The great Usopp-
Author: -pushes the fast forward button-
Usopp: -high squeaky voice-
Chopper: Uwaaaa!
Author: Okay. -pushes play button-
Usopp and Chopper: -puff and pant- that was exhausting…
The cat jumped down from the post, landing lightly before the duckling and sniffing it experimentally.
"Oh owner-san!" the cat meowed. The hen clucked some more and ran in another circle until she ran into a wall, and fell back unconscious.
Usopp: owww… I think I you overdid it Chopper…
Straw hat crew: -nods-
Zoro: -looks at Robin- aren't you annoyed at being involved in this?
Robin: -blinks and then shakes her head slowly- no, because I have been given suitable roles, thankyou swordsman-san.
Sanji: Robin-chwan is so wonderful when she's-
Zoro: -idly kicks Sanji out of the way before frowning at Robin, arms crossed- so why do you get suitable roles, and I don't?
Author: -tiptoes away in the background-
Living in the little cottage was a withered old lady. She was trying to light a stove, but the matches kept blowing out mysteriously as she tried to light the obstinate thing.
Smoker: -chuckles evilly in the corner-
Ace: …you're a sad, miserable, and lonely bastard…
Luffy and Zoro: -appear in background and nod in serious approval before sliding off screen again-
Author: -scratches head and looks after them- how… how'd they do that?
The fire finally lit itself-
Ace: -winks- it's good to be me sometimes…
-and the old lady smiled as she leant back and then saw her cat walking in. The cat meowed once and the lady blinked.
"What? Jimmy's caught in the well?" she asked. The cat meowed again, "Yellow and blue make green?" the cat hissed, "Ooohhh, there's a random ugly little duckling standing outside and nearly dying of a heartattack because you threatened to eat him. I get it now." and the old woman walked to the door and peered out. The hen was still racing around, flapping crazily and throwing feathers everywhere until the old woman tripped her up and she went flying through the air to land.
"Well, it's been real, but, I have a swan to catch." and the duckling ran away. The old woman blinked and then towered over the cat and the hen.
"That was my lunch!" and she dragged them inside.
The duckling ran for ages, slept in expensive hotels, drank perfectly procured wine-
Author: I don't think I'm even in control of this story anymore. -throws hands in the air and walks off-
Usopp: -appears and looks around- wow… so this is what it's like to be Author. Hey… what's this picture of Zoro doing here??
Author: -runs back and steals it- he's my favourite, so sue me! -stalks off-
Usopp: O.o
Zoro: -thinks for a moment- so why am I constantly put through hell? -shakes head-
It took a whole winter for the duckling to travel around and see the world, but when he came home again, it was to find that swans had taken up residence in his moor.
"Oi!" he called. The swan paused and looked up before tilting it's head.
"You look like me." the swan said. The duckling paused and then a panic stricken look came to his face.
"Oh dear lord! No wonder everyone calls me ugly!"
Author: -mwahahaha- That's the end!
Smoker: Thank god for that.
Author: Bye bye Smokie, you've been a pain in my butt, but hey! You were a good fluffy, ugly duckling.
Smoker: -grumbles and hurries away, back to his Marine ship. Sails away.-
Straw hats: What!?! How come he gets to leave?
Author: Because so far, he's had the most humiliating role. But don't worry, someone else will get it next time… -laughs evilly-
Everyone: Oh no…
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Next time on - One Piece's Messed up Fairy Tales!
Cinderella
Author: Oh, this is gonna be good. Okay! Casting time! Zoro, you're-
Zoro: Cinderella… -sighs miserably- I hate my life.
Author: Exactly! Luffy! You're the Fairy Godmother! You get a wand! -hands a wand with a star on it to Luffy-
Luffy: -looks at it in awe before waving it… and turning Usopp into a pumpkin coach- COOOL!
Author: -blinks- Usopp's the pumpkin carriage. -grin- Nami and Robin are the-
Nami: Don't you dare…
Author: Ugly stepsisters! -laughs-
Nami: I hate this…When do we get to go back to our world! Damn, even a ZoLu story would be better than this!
Luffy and Zoro: -tower over Nami, shadows appearing over their eyes while stars glint in them- What was that?
Nami: -gulps- n-nothing.
Author: Actually… a ZoLu story wouldn't be bad right about now… -looks around-
Luffy and Zoro: What!??
Author: -chuckles- kidding. Okay, the wicked stepmother will be Kuro!
Kuro: This is a disgrace. I will not be partial to this.
Author: You have no choice... -laughs evilly-
Robin: -smiles- a very nice role, it suits him.
Author: it's nice to have people agree with me for once. -nods- And now, the time you've all been waiting for! The revelation of Prince Charming! He's swirly eyebrowed, he's blonde headed, he's got an ego the size of my bedroom! Sanji!
Zoro: O.O -dies-
Author: -bends down over Zoro and prods him- hey… you awake?
Sanji: I accept the offer… apart from the fact that I am now way in hell kissing that marimo headed bastard!
Zoro: -sits up- and I'm not dancing with him goddamnit!
Author: -shrugs- Sorry, that's how the rubber boy bounces. -throws Luffy over her shoulder-
-In secret, the One Piece characters plot to overthrow the Author… but, little do they know, that the Author is actually typing this sentence right now.-
Zoro: So… you know huh?
Author: duh…
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Erm... don't ask. I ate raw milo mixed with sugar, but the high didn't kick in until I was at the end of this story. -nervous laugh- Sorry! -waves a hand in the air-