Thanks again for reading! I hope this chapter is put together well-it uses scenes from the book, which were sort of hard to fit in at places because of the direction I chose to take Lily and James' characters. Enjoy :)
**I do not own any of the characters**
CHAPTER FOUR
The following months were difficult for Lily. She was so preoccupied that for the first time in her life, she received a poor grade on one of her Defense Against the Dark Arts exams. Professor Horter was so surprised by her score that he pulled her aside after class to ask if everything was alright. She played it off as being nervous for the OWL's, but she knew that Professor Horter was suspicious—he had to have heard what happened when Lily got detention, and it now appeared that the star student was having a nervous breakdown.
Even her relationship with Petunia had now reached an all time low. During the school holiday, Petunia had the new man she was seeing, Vernon, stay at their home during the week of Christmas. He had eyed Lily like she was the scum of the earth, and she realized that Petunia must have told him awful things about her. She was confident that her sister had left out the part about the magic; after all, who could believe that? But she could only imagine the elaborate story that Petunia had concocted about her insane younger sister who had a habit of drinking too much and getting thrown into jail.
Back at school once again, it was one of the first days of the warm weather. She and Severus were walking back and forth across the courtyard, enjoying the pleasant afternoon, which was one of the last left before the OWL's. The tests made it easy to tell which year the students walking around outside were in—the fifth years were strewn around the grass studying vigorously from various books. The fourth years were eyeing the fifth years with apprehension and dread as they witnessed what they would be in for the following year. And the sixth years, who were also glancing over at the fifth years, simply looked relieved that the experience was over with.
After a few minutes of silence, Severus took a deep breath and turned to Lily. "The rumors about you and Potter are still going around. I thought they would die out by now. Why haven't they?" he asked her quietly.
Lily knew before Severus even opened his mouth that he was working up the courage to ask her a question. Her stomach lurched in nervousness, but she managed to muster up a warm smile. "You know this school—always have to know the latest gossip. There is nothing going on between Potter and I."
Turning to her, she saw how pain-filled his eyes were and guilt spread through her. "It's hard not to believe some of them, especially since what happened at the first Quidditch match of the season."
"He was hurt!" Lily retorted sharply. "I would do the same for anyone else! Besides, at least I spent my time at the game helping someone instead of talking to those creeps Avery and Mulciber!"
After much asking around, she had finally figured out who the boys were that Severus was speaking with at the game—and everyone stated unanimously that they were horrible, terrifying people. In fact, two days ago, Mulciber used Dark Magic against Mary Macdonald, a sixth year Slytherin, on their way to Hogsmead because she accurately described him a stupid lug who couldn't even tie his own shoelaces. In a fit of rage, he immediately cast a dark spell that temporarily sewed your eyes and lips together, but he missed and hit a passing squirrel instead. Mary then used a locomotor mortis spell at him, and to the amusement of a crowd of their fellow Slytherins that had surrounded, he fell down as stiff as a board, although not much smarter.
Severus let out a squeak of shock. "Why do you care who I speak to while I'm not with you? I never say anything about the obnoxious people you choose to spend your time with. I thought we were supposed to be friends. Best friends?"
"We are, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging 'round with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber. Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev? He's creepy! Do you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?" Lily leaned against a pillar and stared at him, waiting for an appropriate answer.
"That was nothing," Severus said quickly. "It was a laugh, that's all..."
"It was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny..."
"What about the stuff that Potter and his mates get up to?" Severus snapped indicatively. His eyes were wild and angry looking.
"What's Potter got to do with anything?" Lily asked in frustration. She didn't want to talk about James anymore; she would rather forget that he even existed. But being friends with Severus apparently made this near-impossible.
"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about Lupin. Where does he keep going?"
Lily gulped. She'd had her suspicions about Remus ever since James and her went to the Shrieking Shack; Remus' sickly demeanor, the planting of the Whomping Willow this year, the fact that James knew had to get past it. But it was nothing that she felt comfortable discussing. After all being a...she stifled a shudder and pushed the word out of her mind, not even wanting to think about it. The thought was too awful for something a fifteen year old should have to experience for the rest of his life. It was better to just pretend that it didn't exist, just as she pretended concerning everything else in her life. It was better not knowing. And if you did know, it was at least better not to say it aloud.
"He's ill," Lily decided on. "They say he's ill."
Severus raised his eyebrows. "Every month at the full moon?"
"I know your theory," she snapped. "Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing a night?"
"I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are," he told her firmly.
Oh, she knew better than anyone else. But she knew where his concern came from—it was the same concern that he showed on the train when he asked if she would ever go out with James. This school year must have been awful for Severus as he listened to all of the rumors circulating, wondering which were true and which weren't, praying that they all fell under the latter.
"They don't use Dark Magic, though," she spoke softly. "And you're being ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from what's down there. . ."
The story of James' heroic rescue of his hated enemy was yet another story that was all over the school, and she only planned on bringing it up if Severus began talking about James again. She watched as embarrassment filled his scrunched up face. "Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to...I won't let you..."
"Let me? Let me?" Lily shouted angrily at Severus, whose eyes were now as wide as his face was pallid.
"I didn't mean..." Severus sputtered. "I just don't want to see you made a fool of... He fancies you, James Potter fancies you! And he's not...everyone thinks...big Quidditch hero..."
"I know James Potter's an arrogant toerag," she interrupted. "I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber's and Avery's idea of humor is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them."
She frowned as she realized that Severus had not listened to her at all concerning Mulciber and Avery—it seemed that she had finally gotten him to believe her about her ill-feelings toward James. His walk was bouncy and light now, and he had sunk back into his overly-relaxed posture.
"Do you want to go to the library to study?" she asked him gently.
He gave her a weak smile and nodded. "Whatever you want, Lil."
The first tests of the week, Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions, were hard, but Lily was confident that she had done well on them. Plus, she had managed to salvage sleep, unlike the many students who had dark circles under their eyes from staying up all night studying. The fifth years looked like walking zombies with their sickly faces buried in their school books, begging them for pieces of information that they had yet to retain.
"Lily," called her friend Kathryn Mater as they left the classroom of their Potion's OWL. She was surrounded by other usually giggly, all of whom looked worn out from mental exhaustion, their eyes glasses from reading the small print of the test. "Do you want to come with us to the lake?"
"Sure," Lily replied with a smile. "I need to clear my head—I have Potions questions spinning through my mind."
The girls headed in light chatter to the lake and took their shoes and socks off to wade in the cool water. Other people in their year seemed to have found blissful recovery in the area as well.
"Look who it is," said the girl next to her, Lucy Drennings. She smoothed out her long blonde hair and turned her gaze to a group of boys by the tree. "He's absolutely adorable with that Snitch in his hand. I've always said that he should play Seeker."
James Potter was with his friends, tossing a golden Snitch in the air and catching it. He touched a hand to his black hair and ruffled it, glancing over at the pretty girls while he did so.
Lily scowled and turned away. "He's horrible."
An unpleasant smirk spread over Lucy's face. "Really now? Because I've heard many rumors that the two of you are dating."
The other girls, who had been immersed in a conversation of their own, now turned to Lily and Lucy with fascination in their sparkling eyes. "Yes," Jerica Jennings said in her annoying, high-pitched voice. "Tell us, Lily. Were all the things that were said true? We've been dying to know."
But before she could come up with a witty comeback to silence them once and for all, the loud scream of a spell hit her ears, and her green eyes locked on Severus. He looked like a helpless animal trapped in the corner by a mean group of little boys. James and his friends backed him into the tree, taunting him.
The people around her whirled around and became the audience for the scene. Lily's heart began pounding furiously with anger as she marched over to the gang and Severus, who now had pink bubble foaming out of his mouth. Horror filled her as she saw him choking on the spell.
"Leave him alone!" she screamed furiously, darting toward them.
Like the conceited prat he was, James instinctively raised his hand once more to mess up his hair.
"All right, Evans?" he asked in a kind tone, as if he actually believed that to be true.
"Leave him alone," Lily snarled. "What has he done to you?"
James grinned, and she felt the strong urge to run forward and punch him in the nose. "Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean..."
The shallow people that she called friends laughed at what James' had said. Her heart felt like it was pounding out of her chest; no one person could handle this much anger, she was sure of it. She would collapse in a few moments, dead on the spot, her heart having exploded from pure rage.
"You think you're funny," Lily told him, spitting with pure contempt. She hated him more than ever before—he was like a horrible dragon that had managed to convince her that he was as gentle as a doe, now back to burning down the village. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."
"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James told her. "Go on. Go out with me and I will never lay a wand on old Snivelly again." She saw a flash of mocking in his eyes.
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," she spat. The crowd gasped and turned to one another in a pathetic, gossipy fashion.
"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius told his friends as he turned back to Severus. "Oy!" he then shouted, for Severus, who was now clean of bubbles, had grabbed his wand from the ground and pointed it at James. Lily's stomach churned as a large wound appeared on James' cheek. Blood splattered onto his black robes.
Quickly, a another spell was fired, this time from James, and Severus was hanging upside down. His robes fell down, revealing his legs and underpants. The crowd began to cheer, and the boys, with the exception of Remus, began roaring with laughter.
Lily couldn't believe what had just happened; Severus had performed Dark Magic on James. The gloom of darkness filled her heart as she realized everything she had thought Severus was had been a lie. How foolish to believe that he was different than the others of his type. The cut on James' cheek, a kiss from the Dark Arts, was everything Severus would ever be.
But there he was hanging helpless, alone, and her heart ached for him once more. She couldn't leave him at the mercy of James Potter and the crowd that surrounded him—it wouldn't be right.
"Let him down!" she shouted. Her sharp voice echoed through the air and across the grounds.
"Certainly," James told her, and with a flick of his wand, Severus was in a ball on the dirt ground. He staggered to his feet and raised his wand once more, but Sirius was too quick for him.
"Locomotor mortis!" he shouted, and Severus fell over once more.
"Leave him alone!" Lily screamed and thrust her own wand out, her mind racing with curses that she could use against them.
James grinned, amused. "Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you."
"Take the curse off him then!" she snapped.
With a sigh, James muttered a spell under his breath, and Snape stood to his feet like a fawn learning how to walk.
"There you go," James said coldly. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus..."
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" Severus snarled.
The words felt like a slap to her face, a punch to her gut. They hung in the cool air, filling the area with complete silence except for the echoing of Severus' voice through her mind. This was what she got for helping the unappreciated. This was what she got for believing in someone against all odds—thrown aside like she had never really mattered. It was Petunia all over again; no matter how kind Lily was, she was always treated the same way by the people who loved her. Well, she was done with love. What good was it in this world? It was just as bad as Dark Magic—but with love, you were slashed on the inside instead of the outside, as James had been. Outer injuries healed and scarred over, leaving only traces of what had been. It was the inner ones that would forever remain.
"Fine, I won't bother you in the future," she told him, trying to hide the shakiness in her voice. "And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus." Pure malice was in her voice, making it sound unrecognizable to her own ears.
Severus' eyes instantly filled with regret as he processed what he had done, what was now lost forever. She averted her gaze, no longer willing to be sucked back into a life of giving and only receiving hurt back.
"Apologize to Evans!" James shouted at Severus with the threat of his wand to back him up.
Lily scoffed. "I don't want you to make him apologize. You're as bad as he is!"
"What?" James squeaked. "I'd never call you a...you-know-what!"
She gave a shrill laugh. "Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you canI'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me sick."
With that, she turned on her heels, and walked away from James a second time, knowing it would be the last. After all, she had nothing else to defend from him—not Severus, not her heart. She was alone now, and that was the way she liked it. When you were alone, nothing could hurt you. Nothing could cause your heart to feel like it was shredded to pieces. No, it was better, being alone. There was no pain. In fact, there was no feeling at all.
She heard James shouting her name behind her, but she didn't care. Let him shout, she thought. Let him feel at least some pang of regret for what he had done to her. Let them all feel what they had done to her—Petunia, James, Severus. She was sick for forgiving, tired of defending.
Lily walked down the hill, about a mile to a small field where she sometimes snuck off to with Severus. The flowers, once kept alive by the groundskeeper, were dead and forgotten. The grass was browned with age. It must have once been a spot where students would go to, but it had long since been abandoned.
And she sobbed her loneliness into the desolate ground below her.