Shtanding By

This is a story…. That makes no sense at all.

Yeah, that's right. You know you love it.

It was a brisk October evening, dusk, on the Hogwarts grounds. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, and even that guy Voldemort were all hanging out in the grounds, along with the rest of the school, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Beauxbatons and the Durmstrangs.

"Hey, Voldie, what are you doing here?" Harry asked leaning across Hermione to speak to the Dark Lord. It was curious that he did not seem at all alarmed by his presence.

"Oh, well you see the funny thing about that is- " Voldemort began, but before a logical explanation could be reached he vanished in a puff of canon.

"What did I tell you?!" screamed JK Rowling, "Rule number one is that you cannot modify space and time to fit your twisted plots."

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" the author eagerly repented.

Now that the Author has exhausted his Creator-to-Author joke repertoire, he figures he should probably continue on with the story.

Sure enough, something appeared in the sky. It was a giant carriage, filled with a bunch of blonde-hair-blue-eyes-size-zero-hon-hon-hon-stereotypical French women. But they didn't know that at the time.

"Look, in the sky!" one boy screamed.

"It's a bird," yelled another.

"The only logical possibility left is that it's Superman!" screamed Harry.

The crowd fell into a rapid silence and everyone turned to stare at Harry.

Blushing under their glare, Harry hastily added "Haven't any of you heard of Superman?"

In response to this, Draco Malfoy came over to kick Harry in the 'nads. Harry did not enjoy this, but he felt that he had earned it.

While all of this was happening, the Carriage was near enough for someone to almost discern it correctly.

"Jesus Christ it's a flying house!" screamed a first year, and promptly passed out.

The Carriage came in for landing in a clearing, and Hagrid, because he's so awesome, was out there in aviator goggles and light cones in order to direct the carriage properly. Naturally he got completely flattened as the carriage ran right over him.

"Hagrid," Harry yelled, filled with concern for his overly-large friend, made to rush over, but promptly stopped as the Beauxbaton girls left the carriage. All concern with anything left his mind. He did not notice, but his jaw slowly slackened until he was drooling openly onto the ground.

Hermione slapped him across the side of the face, causing Ron to attempt to restrain her from further violence, which worked the exact opposite of what was intended, as Ron ended up getting slapped as well. Both boys rubbing their now red faces, continued to watch the girls.

They came out of the carriage one at a time. Each dressed from head to toe in periwinkle blue, with their little frenchie hats, carrying a loaf of French bread under one arm and a bottle of wine on the other.

They all sang "Hon, hon, hon" with their tinkly little voices. Madame Maxime attempted to come out of the carriage riding a massive oversized bicycle, but it promptly crumpled under her substantial weight. Instead she had the girls form a human staircase, which resulted in further injuries on their part. Finally, she gave up and used the stairs built into the side of the carriage. She felt this was much less grand, though, and pouted whilst doing so.

Dumbledore rushed forward to greet her, and she caught him in a massive hug.

"Ah, yes, Dumbleedore, so good to see you again, hon, hon, hon!"

"Yes, wonderful, but I cannot breathe. I do believe I am lost within the folds of your skin somewhere, though I am not quite sure. I'll try swimming out and get back to you," Dumbledore called out from somewhere within the depths of Madame Maxime's circus-tent sized dress.

Dumbledore, through some form of magic, managed to untangle himself from Madame Maxime, and, desperately sucking in air, managed to introduce the Durmstrangs.

"Look over there in the water!" yelled one student.

"AH MAH GAHD IT'S A FLYING HOUSE!" the same first year was apoplectic. He passed out once more.

Everyone turned to stare at the lake, and if Harry squinted and looked through a hole he made with his fist, he could swear that the water was slowly rippling.

And indeed it was, and the rippling became gradually larger until a periscope appeared through the water.

"It's a squid eyeball!" screamed Colin Creevey and ran forward to try and photograph it. He got pulled in by the real squid and was promptly eaten.

Everyone cheered.

No, seriously, they did.

Fine then, believe what you will, but I'm telling you, no one was sad to see that Creevey kid go.

Finally, a submarine emerged from the water, and the hatch burst open. A giant grinning man popped out.

"RED OCTOBER SHTANDING BY!" he bellowed at the top of his voice.

It was Sean Connery.

Mr. Connery ran the length of the submarine and front-flipped onto the shore.

"I told the Minister for Magic that Sean Connery would never enter these grounds, and so it shall be!" said Dumbledore.

Dumbledore rolled forward and stood up, brushing dirt from his robes.

"Sean Connery, shatanding by, shir."

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Sean Connery dropped his salute and snarled at Dumbledore.

"GO BACK TO THE PLACE WHENCE YOU CAME, FLAME OF UDUN, YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Dumbledore beat Sean Connery in the head with his wand, and he vanished in a puff of Gandalf.

"Now then, who would like to meet the Durmstrang students?"

The student body was a tad hesitant.

Fin!

Sorry it's been a while updating, but more is to come soon! We swears on the Precious!