Chapter 4 – Ghost
Tanya Denali is one of the women you know by a glance you'd never stand a chance. She isn't the model you will see fit in magazines like Vogue or Harper's Bazaar. I mean, with those fucking curves, the entire universe knows her body is more likely made for Swimsuit Illustrated or Victoria's Secret catalog. Well, she is nowhere near as flawless as Rosalie, but hell, with that glamorous tan skin, tities which looks like they'll spill out of her dress any second? No need to tell me, I know where I stand. Of course God forbid Edward leaves her.
Speaking of the devil… the monster himself appears out of nowhere to show up his fake innocence under my nose. He gets this blank expression on that handsome face and I am fucking aware to what he's trying to do. Heart crumbles in different painful ways I unconsciously hold my chest to keep the pieces stick together. Those green eyes are unreachable, distant. In my peripheral, Alice resists the urge to slap me across the face, or anything to break his spell he put in me long ago. But we know. We know even after tonight my craving for him is still the same.
Rosalie introduces us to Tanya. Tanya introduces Edward to us, all out of formality. I drown this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach by taking a big gulp of my drink, draining it so I have an excuse to get the fuck out of here. Giving the love-birds their space to touch each other without getting a jealous look coming from my way. Alice exhales a frustrated breath while Rosalie just looks at me confused. I make it to the bar safely, which means I haven't been a cry baby yet.
No luck.
My tears start to slide down as I drink the second bottle of beer. The bartender notices the silent sobs among noisy hard bass thump in the fucking club. He doesn't give me comfort or anything because he knows I don't need his pity. The view may be way too common for him. Another woman with another fucked up life. A man fills the barstool on my right. I won't lie, a part of me wishes it were him. But the reality bites in the fucking ass. It's blonde hair rather than the bronze I know too well. Blues instead of greens.
Jasper doesn't say anything nor look me in the eye. He just pulls me into his tight embrace, muffle my weak cry against his warm chest. The gesture is caring, I feel so secure. He strokes my hair quietly, waiting for me to calm down. Little does he know I would likely cry twenty-four hours nonstop if it was because of Edward. But after a couple of attempts, the tears finally stop. I look up, touching the back of his hand that is cradling my jaw. Those blues are full of worries. I sigh.
"Wanna go back to the hotel?"
"More like wanna go back to New York." I say.
"No shit." He chuckles. It sounds melodic in my own ears.
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.
I'm awakened between sleeps numerous times with the horror look on my face like I just recalled some traumatic event. But Jasper is there to shush me. Yeah, I'm on his bed. More exactly, on his safe arms. He cares. And he doesn't do anything except hugging me for dear life. I remember he said 'no, I don't need to add more complications to your life'. He doesn't demand explanation or whatever but we're both aware I can't fucking deceive him. He can see right through my bullshits. So, this is why I sleep in his room instead of the one I share with Alice. Damn, I want to avoid the little evil as long as possible.
But I can't. Because we're coming home today.
"Please, Alice. Just… not now, okay?" I practically beg when she is eyeing me from her seat on the plane. And thank God the flight is as peace as I want it to be.
Despite of the painful heart break, days are running fast like a hellish tiger. So I'm back busying myself with recording and all, wrapping the final touch of my album, Monochrome, it's called. I begin the photo shoot with Garrett right after I finished with the recordings. The cover is simple but I like it because it's just so me. The team has decided the first single. Shit, we're even ready to shoot the music video tomorrow. Seth, Leah's younger brother will be the director. I have told him I don't want something fancy or Hollywood-ish. Yeah, not my style. I'm more gangsta kinda girl.
We plan to drop the single on August, two months prior to the released date of the album, which is like less than a month to go. Seth is a cool guy, outspoken, a completed opposite of his sister. He will make me repeat all the scenes if it doesn't match his satisfaction. But hell, he just tries to do his job, doesn't he? Besides, it's not like I can't act like a damn pathetic girl or too shy in front of camera. Shit, instead, I'm afraid I'll be too caught up of my own feeling. The song itself is enough to jab me in the fucking chest only by hearing it.
So, yeah, I thank God for the tight schedule. Edward barely invades my mind. Well, not really, the fucker has booked a special place in my brain.
Amber, Leah, and Jasper have been back to LA, doing whatever project they've signed to. Alice keeps questioning me what's with me and Jasper. I say I don't know. Because it's the truth.
Weeks fly. The day we're waiting for eventually comes. Tonight the music video for my first single will be dropped on my YouTube channel. I'm nervous as hell. But I have no one by my side 'cause Alice has been busy arranging my schedule for months ahead. Miracle happens, though. Rosalie just landed in NY yesterday. And today she agrees to go to the gym with me.
She's all sexy wearing sports bra and tight leggings. Aviators on. Duffel bag on her shoulder. Papz are everywhere, following us. Yeah, since I'm walking with the supermodel and all. I bet they don't acknowledge me. Well, maybe they do, but my life isn't interesting to be gossiped about. No story in it.
"Jasper says hi." We're in little break after doing treadmill. Rose watches me warily as she says his name. I don't really know what she expects me to react. Besides, it's the first time we're talking about his brother in person.
"Yeah, how is he?" I ask. I haven't heard about him since he left to LA. He never calls me and I'm too afraid to call him first. The world knows how busy he can be. He's doing some big works after all and the less I wanna do is bothering him.
"Good, I think." She exhales a weary breath while wiping her sweat with a soft pink towel. "Busiest man in the planet." She grunts. I laugh.
"I guess."
"Ignore his apathetic demeanor, B. God knows he's really into you." She waves, sending me a perfect grin.
"Do you think so?" I lift a brow, which she replies by nodding eagerly.
"I know him for whole life, B. And the way he looks at you, hell. It's different. I mean, he cares about you. So much." She confesses. "Look, B, as his sister all I can say is… don't hurt him, okay?" Her tone is dead serious. "But if hurting him is almost inevitable, just…give him the less painful one." The sad smile on her lips makes my heart drop. I don't say anything. Because I can't promise her a damn thing.
Day becomes blurred. Rose leaves the gym before me because she has business meeting to attend to. So I'm going home alone. No papz sticking around this time. The drive is silent. I decide to stop by to Magnolia for some cupcakes and I also buy some snacks at grocery store. It's near five pm when I finally arrive home.
I slip the keycard on its lock, unlocking my apartment door. The lights are already on.
It just means one thing.
He doesn't try to hide. Because he's there, sitting in the middle of the couch in the living room. Eyes on me. It's been a month since our last unfriendly encounter and two months since the last time he was at my apartment. His hair is shorter. I knew it before because I kind of stalked his Instagram. It doesn't like we follow each other, but still. He looks handsome as ever. And he's here. Again, without attracting papz.
Anger takes over my body instantly.
"I don't time for this, Edward. Leave, now!" I yell at him on the way to kitchen to put stuffs I bought on the cabinet.
"You don't mean that." He gets up, walking over me, unaffected. Because he knows. He knows the lie behind my words. And I explode. I just can't bear it anymore. This is too hurt. I would be shattered on the floor if he didn't catch my fall. I'm in his arms. His hug doesn't feel like Jasper's. I don't feel safe right now. But I know. We know. This is where I belong. I cry. I cry so hard his body is also shaking with mine. The shirt he's wearing is wringing wet.
"Why can't I have you?" I say between sobs. This is not the first time. He always leaves me picking up pieces of my heart alone. And I can't remember when this wicked cycle begins. He comes and leaves while I'm right here, crazy and wounded by situation. By his mean games.
"You have me." He answers calmly. No trace of guilt. He doesn't even bother to apologize. Because just when our eyes meet—without being a cocky confident asshole—he knows. He knows he's always forgiven. It's simply the truth.
"So does Tanya." I say her name in disgust. The universe knows how much I want to put the blame on her even though I'm aware the man in front of me is the one who's responsible causing all of my pain these past four years.
Because Tanya isn't the first. There were Heidi, Victoria, Stella, Irina, Jane… Edward never tells me how much I mean to him. I'm always afraid of the answer.
"No way in hell." He snorts, looking convincing and all. A small part of me believes it. But the sanest part of me screams, refusing to follow his game all over again.
"Does she know that?" I ask, hopeful. Which of course, he replies with silence.
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Much calmer me emerges from the bathroom. But the bloodshot and swollen eyes can't be gotten rid of. I've changed my gym outfit into shorts and worn t-shirt. Edward is on the couch, wearing nothing but a Batman boxer. He likes shirtless often lately. I don't know why.
I sit beside him only to find his eyes are glued to the laptop on his lap. He's watching some music video. It's mine. They've released it already?
The song fills the quietness of the room. The lyrics are mocking me.
My ghost, where'd you go?
I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me
My ghost, where'd you go?
What happened to the soul that you used to be?
"You're beautiful." He says, breaking the silence. His index finger touches my face on the screen. I melt. By his gesture and words. "But I don't like the parts saying 'never sleep alone' and 'got a million numbers and they're filling up your phone boy'." He pouts. Like, really fucking pout. I roll my eyes because that's the only thing I can do. "You know that's not true." He defends himself.
"Maybe this song isn't about you." It's a weak reply.
"Maybe." The fucker gives me a sly smirk. He knows. He knows he'll always be my permanent inspiration. Almost all my songs are dedicated to him. But I want to keep the world oblivious. "So, there's no celebration or candles I need to blow?" Green eyes are searching around the room.
His birthday. It was on June, 20. He's 23 now. We passed it 'cause he was on the other continent. Still, we actually always miss each birthday every damn year.
"Nah. I don't prepare anything. But I think I have cupcakes on the fridge." I shrug.
"Do you have a candle?" That smile. The one that nobody can't possibly resist.
I roll my eyes before getting up and striding toward the kitchen. He tails behind. I find some cute pink candles there. I bring out all of the cupcakes I bought only to put them on the plate, sticking a candle to each cupcake. Edward lights up the candles one by one before smirking at me. He looks carefree, a normal Edward I used to know. Not the infamous Edward Masen. And definitely not the asshole that pretended we were strangers.
We're wasting no time to sing happy birthday together, grinning like fools. For now, nothing actually matters. It's just me and him. Edward and Bella. As simple as that. He blows all the candles before capture me in his arms. We're giggling like crazy when I realize he carries me out of the kitchen toward the living room. I miss his laughter. I miss us like this. Dammit, I wanna cry again. After spinning me in the room till we're fucking dizzy, he finally settles us down on the piano bench with me on his lap. My legs are tangled around his waist.
He brushes my hair off my face, then stare. Deep into my eyes. So intense I almost divert my gaze away. I can't, though. Those greens only pull me closer. This is neither awkward nor uncomfortable. It's just… too open. I feel naked under his gaze. It's like he unfolds me, peeling my skin slowly only to find what's underneath. My real emotions. Pain I've been going through. He wants to understand it. Feel it.
I break the incantation from his eyes. Stupid movement, I know. But I'm not ready. Will never be.
I look down to his left shoulder while his eyes are still watching me. Those hands ghost over my exposed thighs. He opens his mouth, but none of the word comes out.
"Why don't you play something?" I motion to the piano behind me, intend to lighten the mood.
"I…." He tries again.
"It's okay."
We know it's not.
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.
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I wake up with the room still so dark. And the hot breath across my naked chest. He always insists we're sleeping with the lights off. I hate him the most for that. One because darkness is kinda my enemy and two because I just can't say no to him. Looking around, it looks like it's barely past midnight. But the fear that is suddenly flooding my veins is enough to make me wide-awake till the morning. I don't want him to leave again. My grip on his hair is unconsciously tightened. He stirs in his sleep.
No need to wait any longer when those emeralds flutter open. He lifts his head and blinks at me with that sleepy cute face. "What time is it?" He yawns, getting up to sit on his side of the bed. My body misses the contact almost immediately.
"Don't know." I shrug.
He turns the bed lamp on without warning. It blinds my eyes for seconds. "Sorry." He mumbles, chuckling. I smack his arm. "Damn, it's still three in the fucking morning. Why did you wake me up this early?" He catches my wrist and pulls me to him abruptly.
"I didn't." I argued, blushing when my nipples harden against his exposed torso.
"Yeah?" His nose brushes my temple in a sweet way. The lips follow. Making me lose my voice. "Mmm, what are you doing to me?" He mutters without actually asking. My index finger draws circles around his collarbone. Anything to distract me from his presence. From the thought of him leaving. From the thought that this won't last as long as I hope to be.
I breathe out shakily as he nips my bottom lip just softly. The gesture is too much, telling us bluntly that whatever we have between us isn't merely physical. In the moment like this, I know. Edward is the one, selfishly marking my heart to claim it as his own. The reason I can't let anybody in without some inner conflicts.
"Did you miss me, sweetheart?" He asks out of the blue. Lips hovering mine.
"Always." I reply, not even try to lie.
"I missed you too, you know." He whispers it like it's his darkest secret.
"I know."
"No, you don't." The way he murmurs on my ear makes me shiver. It sounds harsh and demanding. As if he is hiding more truths than I can imagine. As if he is weaker than how he looks like. As if he's just as suffered as me. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Some wishful thinking.
"Tell me then."
"It's hard…being away from you." He confesses, exhaling deeply while putting his arms around me possessively. Emphasize the words.
"So don't." I choke out.