p class="MsoNormal"Rick looked up at Negan, whom looked down at him and the little girl he was holding in his arms with a mixture of shock and bewilderment. His jaw closed tightly together when he saw the brief look of hurt in Negan's eyes, before Negan finally broke out into a soft smile and began talking to Judith in a baby voice, Rick had never heard from the tough man before. Rick could still not believe his own eyes and he had at first been sure that he had been seeing things./p
p class="MsoNormal"Maybe the events the last couple of days had left him more messed up in the head than he had realized, and he had gone crazy again, just like back at the prison. It was only when Carl had run forward and embraced the man that Rick had dared believe that what he was seeing was real. He had at first kept hoping. Negan had always been a tough son of bitch, even before the world had changed. Perhaps that had been one of the things that had initially attracted Rick to him. And when he had later learned that the man actually had a heart of gold beneath that harsh exterior of his, it only deepened his affection for him. His marriage with Lori had been reduced to nothing but a piece of paper, when he started falling in love with Negan and he quickly ended it with Lori, when he discovered that those feelings were not going away. Lori deserved better than a husband who cheated behind his back. With another man no less./p
p class="MsoNormal"Discovering that he was in fact gay had been quite a shock for Rick. He had never felt particularly attracted to anyone in his life until Lori, whom was kind, warm and funny. He know knew that what he felt for her was not love in the traditional sense of the world. The two of them had been far better off if they had remained friends, as they after their divorce had become again. But if they had never gotten married, Carl would never have been born and to imagine his world without his son in it felt the same as imagining it without air. Not possible./p
p class="MsoNormal"Negan had taken to his son immediately and – to Rick's surprise – so had Carl to Negan. The two seemed to share an understanding from the moment they met, when Carl was just seven years old, that Rick never fully understood. He would sometimes be jealous of the connection the two had with each other, but then reminded himself that despite it all, he was still Carl's father. Negan had never tried to overstep in that regard and Rick had appreciated it. He didn't think he would have been able to deal with another father figure in his son's life, even if that person was the man he loved./p
p class="MsoNormal"For a few blessed years they had all been happy. Rick had slowly come to terms with his sexuality and Lori, being the warm-hearted understanding person, she was, had accepted Negan as a presence in their son's life. They had had a good life. But then everything happened. Rick can only vaguely remember how Negan had kissed him goodbye that early morning before taking a plane up north to go see his dying mother. How often had he not wished that he could back and beg Negan not to go. To beg him to stay. If only he had known, he would not have gone to work that day. He would not have gotten himself shot and end up in that hospital, separated from his family. If only he had known, he would have taken Negan, Lori and Carl and gone somewhere far away from everyone and everything. Run away as fast as he could./p
p class="MsoNormal"Everything would have been so different right now if only so many things hadn't happened. If he hadn't gotten shot… If Negan hadn't left… It sometimes made him dizzy to think about how such small changes can lead to your entire world shifting beneath your feet./p
p class="MsoNormal"When he had reunited with Carl and Lori, it had felt like his heart would burst with relief. The sex with Lori had been brief and more about comfort than anything else. It had almost been like falling into an old habit – one you knew you probably shouldn't do but for some reason you do it anyway. He had hoped Negan was alive, but he also could not ignore the voice inside his head saying that he was lying to himself. To have not only his son and good friend and ex-wife survive but the person he loved? That was asking too much. Lori had seen the pain he was in and she had confirmed him in one of the only ways she knew how; by distracting him. Just for a moment./p
p class="MsoNormal"It had not happened more than once but somehow Shane found out. Lori and Shane had started dating shortly before the outbreak and although it had been odd to say the least for Rick to see his partner and ex-wife getting along, he had accepted it. After all, he had been the one leaving Lori for another man. He could not really object to her life choices, as long as they did not affect Carl. Rick still remembered the night on the farm, when Shane had come to him. He confronted him about Rick and Lori and things had evolved from there. He did not know whether Judith was truly his, but he figured it did not matter. She was Lori's child and therefor, she was his./p
p class="MsoNormal"All those thoughts and memories ran through his mind, as he looked up at Negan. Negan raised his gaze and a look of understanding passed between them. "She's beautiful", he said and Rick could see that he meant it, but the look of betrayal Negan had so briefly send him just moments ago would haunt his dreams for a long time./p
p class="MsoNormal"Maybe the events the last couple of days had left him more messed up in the head than he had realized, and he had gone crazy again, just like back at the prison. It was only when Carl had run forward and embraced the man that Rick had dared believe that what he was seeing was real. He had at first kept hoping. Negan had always been a tough son of bitch, even before the world had changed. Perhaps that had been one of the things that had initially attracted Rick to him. And when he had later learned that the man actually had a heart of gold beneath that harsh exterior of his, it only deepened his affection for him. His marriage with Lori had been reduced to nothing but a piece of paper, when he started falling in love with Negan and he quickly ended it with Lori, when he discovered that those feelings were not going away. Lori deserved better than a husband who cheated behind his back. With another man no less./p
p class="MsoNormal"Discovering that he was in fact gay had been quite a shock for Rick. He had never felt particularly attracted to anyone in his life until Lori, whom was kind, warm and funny. He know knew that what he felt for her was not love in the traditional sense of the world. The two of them had been far better off if they had remained friends, as they after their divorce had become again. But if they had never gotten married, Carl would never have been born and to imagine his world without his son in it felt the same as imagining it without air. Not possible./p
p class="MsoNormal"Negan had taken to his son immediately and – to Rick's surprise – so had Carl to Negan. The two seemed to share an understanding from the moment they met, when Carl was just seven years old, that Rick never fully understood. He would sometimes be jealous of the connection the two had with each other, but then reminded himself that despite it all, he was still Carl's father. Negan had never tried to overstep in that regard and Rick had appreciated it. He didn't think he would have been able to deal with another father figure in his son's life, even if that person was the man he loved./p
p class="MsoNormal"For a few blessed years they had all been happy. Rick had slowly come to terms with his sexuality and Lori, being the warm-hearted understanding person, she was, had accepted Negan as a presence in their son's life. They had had a good life. But then everything happened. Rick can only vaguely remember how Negan had kissed him goodbye that early morning before taking a plane up north to go see his dying mother. How often had he not wished that he could back and beg Negan not to go. To beg him to stay. If only he had known, he would not have gone to work that day. He would not have gotten himself shot and end up in that hospital, separated from his family. If only he had known, he would have taken Negan, Lori and Carl and gone somewhere far away from everyone and everything. Run away as fast as he could./p
p class="MsoNormal"Everything would have been so different right now if only so many things hadn't happened. If he hadn't gotten shot… If Negan hadn't left… It sometimes made him dizzy to think about how such small changes can lead to your entire world shifting beneath your feet./p
p class="MsoNormal"When he had reunited with Carl and Lori, it had felt like his heart would burst with relief. The sex with Lori had been brief and more about comfort than anything else. It had almost been like falling into an old habit – one you knew you probably shouldn't do but for some reason you do it anyway. He had hoped Negan was alive, but he also could not ignore the voice inside his head saying that he was lying to himself. To have not only his son and good friend and ex-wife survive but the person he loved? That was asking too much. Lori had seen the pain he was in and she had confirmed him in one of the only ways she knew how; by distracting him. Just for a moment./p
p class="MsoNormal"It had not happened more than once but somehow Shane found out. Lori and Shane had started dating shortly before the outbreak and although it had been odd to say the least for Rick to see his partner and ex-wife getting along, he had accepted it. After all, he had been the one leaving Lori for another man. He could not really object to her life choices, as long as they did not affect Carl. Rick still remembered the night on the farm, when Shane had come to him. He confronted him about Rick and Lori and things had evolved from there. He did not know whether Judith was truly his, but he figured it did not matter. She was Lori's child and therefor, she was his./p
p class="MsoNormal"All those thoughts and memories ran through his mind, as he looked up at Negan. Negan raised his gaze and a look of understanding passed between them. "She's beautiful", he said and Rick could see that he meant it, but the look of betrayal Negan had so briefly send him just moments ago would haunt his dreams for a long time./p