Yay! I'm back with another crack filled Akatsuki fic, co-written with my brother who says he's the president of 'Project Akatsuki'!
Summary: Pein thought one horny fish-man was bad enough, wait till he sees Sasori and Deidara. No homophobes please. Please read the first ever Akatsuki crack fic that I wrote, Itachi's Birthday, to understand some jokes.
Sand, Clay and Fish
Knock, knock
"Pein?"
"Yes Konan?" Pein asked, from behind his desk in his 'office'. Why a villain has an office, nobody knows.
"Some of the members what to speak with you on an issue," Konan said from behind the door.
"Why don't they fill out a damn request form and put it in the box, that's what it's there for," Pein asked annoyed.
"Because you never even check it," Konan said. Pein never did check the requests, it was just to get them to shut up and leave him alone for one damn minute.
"Fine, I'll be out in a minute," Pein said, defeated.
He walked out of his office and into the living room at an agonizingly slow pace, not at all eager to see his 'evil' organization. He looked around at the group, but some things were missing.
Let's see…Konan…Hidan…Kakuzu…Tobi…Itachi…cat…Zetsu…yes, they were missing three.
"Where are Kisame, Sasori and Deidara?" Pein asked.
"They're the ones we want to talk about," Kakuzu said.
Oh, of course.
"Well, what is it? If you want to kill them I'm all for that," Pein said, and he was not kidding.
"They need…" Konan paused for a second to lean in and whisper, "Help."
"We're S-Class criminals, I think we all need help," Pein replied.
"We just think their…sex drives are a bit too high," Konan said.
"I know that," Pein said. This was not news to him, he had been trying to control Kisame's fish humping and Sasori & Deidara's many (and extremely kinky) sex…activities since forever.
"Maybe we should get them some kind of help…like Alcoholic's Anonymous except for sex addicts," Konan suggested.
"I want you to sign me up too," Itachi said monotonously.
"…Why?" Pein asked after a long silence, slightly afraid of the answer.
"I was joking," Itachi said just as monotonously as always.
"Oh, ok," Pein said, "…Wait…what?"
-Break-
Pein made his way first over to Sasori and Deidara's room. He knocked loudly on the door. If there was one thing he learned from leading the Akatsuki it was this: Always knock first.
"Come in," came Sasori's voice from the inside.
They weren't going at it? What a surprise.
Pein entered the room, trying to ignore the strange puppets and other gadgets lining the walls and Sasori and Deidara lying in bed, under the covers…and the pink bra on the floor.
"Guys, I've been thinking. You guys need…help," Pein said, trying to think of the best way to go about this.
"We're S-class criminals, we all need help," Sasori answered (A/N Whoa, déjà vu).
"Help with you're…sex problem," Pein clarified.
"What sex problem, un?" Deidara asked innocently.
"The sex as in what you keep having twenty-four seven and the problem as in the fact that it is getting in everyone's way. Seriously, you do it everywhere! I have to keep a bat next to my office door in case you decide to do it in there again," Pein said becoming angry.
"I liked it better the first time he caught us and he just ran away screaming, un," Deidara whispered to Sasori.
"Anyways, I'm taking you two and Kisame to a sexaholics anonymous meeting tomorrow," Pein said, "Good? Good, ok, bye."
Now to tell Kisame, but for him, he had a different approach.
"Kisame, we're going to get seafood tomorrow," Pein said from outside his door.
"Sweet," he heard Kisame say from the inside.
Perfect.
-Break-
"Leader-sama!"
Pein sighed; he heard this call every day.
Every. Single. Day.
"What is it Kakuzu?" Pein asked the Akatsuki's self-proclaimed treasurer.
"Have you seen these bills?" Kakuzu asked, unrolling a large sheet of paper out in from of Pein.
"Yes, it's from Deidara in the shower," Pein said.
"Not this time, look how many purchases went under personal," Kakuzu said.
Pein took the paper and looked at the number, when he saw it his eyes widened. "I'll go talk to them, but remember they do have the sexaholics anonymous meeting today," Pein reminded him.
"Yeah…by the way how much does that cost?" Kakuzu asked.
"Now if you'll excuse me…" Pein quickly said and hurried away before answering the question. He didn't want Kakuzu more pissed than he already was.
-Break-
After a quick dose of Advil, Pein made his way once again over to Sasori and Deidara's room. And once again he knocked.
"Come in, un," said Deidara.
When he entered the room he did not see anybody, but the light in the bathroom was on and the door was open. Pein took a deep breathe before entering the bathroom. It was quite a creepy place. Let's just say, Deidara had more beauty products than Konan.
When he entered, Sasori was repainting his nails, as the Akatsuki dress code calls for and Deidara was straightening his hair with his trusty pink hair straightener.
"I wanted to talk to you about cost of all you're purchases placed under personal," Pein said.
Sasori and Deidara looked at each other. "I didn't think it was that much," Sasori finally said.
"Are you kidding me?! I haven't seen that many zeroes in my life!" Pein yelled, "Just how much can you spend on lube and sex toys?!"
"Grape lube?" Deidara asked sheepishly, holding up a tube as an offering.
Pein sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Be downstairs and ready to go to the meeting in one hour," he said.
When he left he heard Deidara whine to Sasori, "How am I supposed to be ready in only one hour, un?"
-Break-
An hour later Sasori, Deidara and an unknowing Kisame were in the mini van and Pein was giving final orders to the remaining members.
"Ok, Zetsu you watch Tobi, that means erase the history if he goes on the computer, block the porn on the TV and make sure he doesn't run into any walls…again. Kakuzu, you're in charge of making sure Hidan doesn't eat anything. Konan, you keep an eye on everyone. We shouldn't take too long," Pein said and left.
"Why can't I eat?" Hidan asked.
"You never finish it," the rest of the Akatsuki replied.
-Break-
"We're here," Pein announced parking in front of the building. They all exited the van and Kisame looked around confusedly.
"This isn't seafood," Kisame said.
"Duh, we're here for sexaholics anonymous," Sasori said, rolling his eyes.
"What?! Why am I here? I don't have a sex problem," Kisame said.
"You hump anything with gills," Pein said.
"You're just jealous because you don't get as much as me," Kisame said.
Pein sighed and asked himself why he didn't bring his Advil. "Let's just get this over with," he said and dragged the other three inside.
While waiting for the class to start, the four ran into a familiar face.
"Orochimaru?!"
"Hey guys, you have sex problems too?" Orochimaru asked.
"Oh dear god," Pein said, massaging his temples, "I did not need that image."
Luckily, they didn't have to talk to Orochimaru because the class was starting. Pein took a seat in between Deidara and Sasori for obvious reasons. That's when Pein notice someone was missing.
Kisame.
He looked around a spotted a fish tank of all things in the corner.
"Why is there a fish tank in here?!" he asked the instructor.
"We find that it helps relax the patients," he answered.
"Not for someone," Pein grumbled. When he turned to look again at the fish tank Kisame was already attempting to fit inside it. Pein reached into his cloak and pulled out his trusty bat to beat Kisame into submission, then made Kisame return to his seat.
"Ok," their instructor said looking around nervously, "Let's get started by introducing yourselves. You can start," added pointing to Orochimaru.
"Me? Well, I'm the one of the great three Sannin, Orochimaru, and I'm a sex addict and pedophile," Orochimaru said like it was perfectly normal.
"Hi Orochimaru."
"I guess I'm next," Sasori, who was sitting next to Orochimaru, said with a sigh, "My name's Sasori and I am apparently a sex addict."
"Hi Sasori."
"You all can just call me Leader-sama and I'm just here to watch the three freaks," Pein said.
"Hi Leader-sama."
"My name's Deidara and I am a sex addict, un!" Deidara said brightly, "That's my boyfriend," he added, pointing to Sasori.
"Hi Deidara."
"My name's Kisame and I don't belong here," Kisame said.
"Yes you do!" Pein yelled.
"Hi Kisame."
And let's just say it went downhill from there.
-Break-
"I find it hard to believe you both had to go to the bathroom at the same time," Pein said after the meeting.
"Why's that?" Deidara asked.
"Because Sasori's a puppet and never has to go to the bathroom," Pein said.
"Oh yeah," Sasori said, as if he forgot that little detail.
"Whatever," Pein said, "Let's get out of here before-"
"Hi guys!"
"Hi Orochimaru," the others said unenthusiastically.
"Wasn't that fun, aw yeah. Good times in sexaholics. Reminds me of when I was in Akatsuki," Orochimaru rambled, "There was…well, Itachi. That didn't work out well, but we had fun times didn't we Sasori?" Orochimaru put his arm around the puppet master.
"Hey back off, he's mine, un," Deidara said, pulling Sasori away from Orochimaru.
"Don't worry I have a (young) man," Orochimaru said, "Just thinking about what we used to do as partners."
Pein frowned and wondered how long these affairs in his organization had been going on.
-Break-
The drive home was pretty much hell.
It went something like this:
"'I've never been with anyone before' Danna said. 'You're my first' Danna said."
"Quit whining you brat, fooling around with someone isn't the same as being with them."
"It is to me Danna! You lied!"
"You're overreacting, grow up."
"You grow up, lying is so immature. I can't believe I gave you my virginity!"
"I can't believe you're such a prude."
"Don't I mean anything to you Danna?"
"You would if you'd quit being so annoying."
"I hate you Sasori, hate you!"
"Can we still get seafood?"
And so on and so forth.
-Break-
Two Days Later
Knock, knock
Pein began banging his head against his desk when he heard the sound of knocking. Why must everyone bug him when he was trying to work?!
"Come in," Pein said tiredly.
And of course it was Konan. Coming to once again tell him what he was doing wrong.
"I think you should talk to Deidara," Konan said.
"Why the hell would I do that?" Pein asked.
"You know why! He's been an emotional wreck ever since he and Sasori broke up. He needs comfort," Konan said.
"So, you comfort him you're the women," Pein said.
Wrong response.
"Pein," Konan said calmly, "Remember what happened last time you wanted me to do something because 'I'm the women'?"
"I'll go talk to Deidara," Pein said and quickly left the room.
After a dose of Advil, Pein went over to the second most dangerous room in the Akatsuki hideout. Deidara's room (The first dangerous is Kisame's).
Pein put his ear up against the door, just in case Deidara was doing something…well, something he didn't want to see. He could actually hear Deidara whimpering.
Pein took a deep breathe and opened the door, deciding not to knock. Trying to open the door proved to be more difficult than it should be.
'What's blocking this thing?' Pein asked himself. After finally opening the door, Pein discovered a sea of used tissues blocking the entrance to Deidara's room. As for Deidara, he was sitting on his bed, in a pink bathrobe, hair messy, watching soap operas, eating a carton of Ben & Jerry's.
Pein waded through the tissues and empty ice cream cartons to sit next to Deidara. The two sat in awkward silence, the only noise from the crying of some abused pregnant chick on TV.
"Sooooooooo," Pein said, trying to think of something comforting to say. However, he wasn't good at being nice, beating on unruly Akatsuki members; that was his talent.
"About you and Sasori-"
"WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
"Nonononononononononononononono!" Pein said, a little panicked, "Don't cry!"
"I miss Danna! I love him! No one else can satisfy my needs!" Deidara cried.
"Well, I'm just going go…hope you feel better," Pein said, backing out of the room.
'There's got to be some way to fix this. If they don't make up their performance will go down,' Pein thought, 'Well, I guess I'll try the other half.'
Pein found Sasori in the living room, reading a book on furnishing wood.
"Hey Sasori," Pein said.
"I don't feel like talking about Deidara," Sasori said.
"I'm sure you don't, but don't you miss him a little?"
"Not really, he's annoying."
"Well, yeah, but you two were together for so long."
"Exactly, I deserve some peace."
"Sure, but…what about the sex?"
"The sex was good…"
"Exactly! Sex is good."
"I guess I do kinda miss him."
"There now, why don't you go make up?"
"Okay…"
-Break-
"Don't you feel so fulfilled for helping Deidara out?" Konan asked the next day.
"Ask me when they're not doing it in the room next door," Pein said.
The rest of the Akatsuki (minus Deidara and Sasori) nodded and put in their ear plugs.
And Kisame went to order sushi.
This took an unbelievably long amount of time. Hope you enjoyed. Please review.