Season 1 Episode 13.
Story 13: Until the Day I Die
Chapter 4: Not So Secret
The next people to find out were Arthur's knights. It was a common joke amongst them that Merlin was the only one capable of harassing the king and getting away with it. Eventually they understood why Arthur put up with Merlin's taunts and jokes.
For years they had observed the strange friendship between Merlin and Arthur. They had puzzled over it, but had never questioned it. But then Merlin went missing and they finally had the last piece of their puzzle.
They had been traveling to the Valley of the Fallen Kings. Merlin had been hurt and Arthur had helped Merlin to his feet, trying to get him to safety.
There was a rock fall separating Merlin and the mercenaries from Arthur. Arthur was no idiot. He knew that was Merlin's doing. He had sacrificed himself to keep Arthur safe. Arthur had fought tooth and nail to try to get to the other side of the rock fall, but it was futile. The rock fall was impregnable.
Arthur rushed back to Camelot with every intention of rallying men for a search party. His knights had never seen the king in such a state. He had been pouring over a map, deciding where to dispatch his men to search for Merlin when Gaius walked in. Gaius looked around, his face clouding with worry when he didn't spot the one he wanted to see. "Where's Merlin?" He asked. He didn't look away from Arthur.
Arthur looked down and took a deep breath. "He's alive. Last I saw of him, he was still alive," Arthur told him. He turned to Leon. "Dispatch patrols at first light. Scour every inch of that forest. I want him found. We will not rest until he is safely back at Camelot."
Leon frowned slightly, but nodded to the king's orders. Leon and the knights left to fulfill Arthur's request.
"Did you ever think that maybe…" Alvric, one of the knights, began to say once they were outside.
"I know what you're thinking, but no. Merlin is just his friend. That's why he's in such a state," Leon said. He didn't sound as confident as he usually did and he knew why. The problem was, he wasn't so sure himself.
Back in the council chambers, Arthur spoke to Gaius. "We'll find him, Gaius," Arthur promised. His voice was hollow. He couldn't lose Merlin. "We will." Arthur wasn't sure who he was trying to convince. Gaius or himself.
Gaius bowed and walked out of the chambers. He felt a pang in his heart. He knew what Arthur was going through. He knew how difficult it was to lose a loved one.
Gaius couldn't believe that the entire kingdom didn't realize Arthur's feelings for Merlin. Right now, he was not doing a very good job at hiding them. He looked like he was already mourning the loss of his heart.
The following night, Arthur was in the council chambers listening as his uncle and his knights gave their reports.
"We have scoured the forest," Agravaine explained.
"Scour it again," Arthur said stubbornly.
"Sire, there is no sign of Merlin," Leon said slowly.
"None… but… this," Agravaine said approaching Arthur. Agravaine handed Arthur a scrap of Merlin's bloody jacket. "I am sorry you've lost such a loyal and…"
Arthur held his hand up to stop Agravaine. He knew what that scrap meant. It meant Merlin was truly gone. He didn't want to hear people tell him they are sorry he lost a loyal manservant, because that is not what he lost. He lost the man he loves, the man who would do anything for him. Including sacrifice his life. This had been Merlin's last sacrifice to him.
Arthur closed his eyes, forcing himself to control his emotions. He could mourn later. Right now, he had to act like a king that only lost his manservant.
That night, Arthur let the loss hit him. He wasn't saying goodbye, not exactly. He was still going to find Merlin. He just let go of the possibility he would find Merlin alive. Arthur knew that Merlin could not have survived the wound inflicted by the mace this long. Not with the shoddy job Arthur did with bandaging it.
Arthur ordered his guards not to enter no matter what they heard. Then he allowed himself to mourn. He threw stuff and didn't care how loud he was being, nor how much of a mess he was making. He didn't care that he was crying like a child.
At one point, he found himself thinking that Merlin would have a huge mess to clean in the morning. The realization that would never happen hit Arthur harder than anything. He slammed his fist into his pillow, fighting the sobs that threatened to rack through him. A man should not cry. He had told Merlin that no man was worth his tears, but he had been wrong. Oh so wrong. Merlin was worth all of his tears. He was worth every tear he was capable of crying.
He cursed himself for not sticking to their original plan and telling everyone about Merlin when he became king. It was Merlin's idea to wait until the shock of Morgana's betrayal had worn off. Arthur had agreed. One shock to his people at a time. Now he wished he hadn't waited. Merlin could have been protected.
Eventually Arthur went to sleep. It was the only thing that could temporarily abate the pain he was feeling. He slept fitfully, waking often. When he woke for the day, he saw the blurry outline of a man standing next to him. For a moment, he allowed his hopes to rise. It looked like Merlin. But as his eyes adjusted, disappointment and sorrow washed over him. It was a man that looked like Merlin. He was even dressed like Merlin. Yet he was not Merlin.
"Who are you?" Arthur asked annoyed. He knew he was irrationally angry, but hope was the most dangerous thing he could have right now. To have that sudden moment of hope be squashed immediately was painful.
"I am your new manservant, sire. A knight, Sir Gwaine hired me last night. I have polished your armor, sharpened your sword, selected your clothes. There is a slight chill in the air today, sir. And now, if you would allow me, I would like to serve you breakfast," the man said.
Arthur stared. He looked around and was surprised to see that his chambers were spotless. Any sign of his temper tantrum the night before was gone. The table was also covered with bread and fruit. Arthur could hear his stomach growl with hunger. This was different, but there was no way this man was staying. As incompetent as Merlin was sometimes, Arthur wouldn't ask for any other manservant.
"What's your name?" Arthur asked.
"George, sire, at your service," George said with a little bow. George unfolded a napkin and placed it on Arthur's chest.
"George, listen George, this is all very impressive," Arthur said. He was trying to find a diplomatic way of telling George he didn't require his services. George placed an extra pillow behind his head. Arthur's eyes widened. "Very impressive, indeed, but I already have a manservant. All right, he's shabby looking, he has appalling manners." Arthur lost his train of thought as George handed Arthur a goblet. "He's extremely forgetful. He seems to spend most of his time in the tavern." Arthur fought the smile that threatened to spread over him. This was no time for him to be reminiscing over the lies Gaius had concocted to explain Merlin's absences to the council. George handed him a plate, bringing Arthur back to reality. "But he is my manservant." Arthur handed the plate and goblet back to George. "To be honest, I quite like it that way." Arthur didn't care if Merlin was dead, he wouldn't take another manservant. He would just figure out how to do things for himself. It couldn't be that hard to fetch water… could it? He could picture the amused look that would flash across Merlin's face if Arthur had to ask how to make his own bath. Arthur shook his head, erasing that image.
Arthur tossed the napkin at George than scrambled out of bed. Arthur didn't spare a second glance for George as he ducked behind his changing screen.
Arthur quickly dressed. When he finished, he was relieved to see that George was gone. Arthur let out the breath he was holding. He was going to kill Gwaine.
Arthur went to the stables and had a horse prepared. As he was getting ready to depart, Gwaine walked up behind him. "You wouldn't by any chance be going to find Merlin," Gwaine inquired.
"I am," Arthur said in a stony voice.
"Well, allow me to accompany you," Gwaine told him.
Arthur sighed. It would be wise to have another man with him. The rest of his knights had given up, but Arthur knew that Gwaine regarded Merlin as a friend. He would be almost as reluctant as Arthur to just admit he was gone.
"Very well," Arthur said. He took a step away from his horse. "Have the servant prepare a horse."
Gwaine briefly entered the stables to give the orders. When he left, he turned to Arthur with a large smile on his face. "Speaking of servants, how is George?" He asked amused.
Arthur turned to Gwaine, trying to control his anger. "Was that your idea of a joke?" Arthur asked him quietly.
Gwaine looked taken aback by Arthur's tone. "No, of course not. I just thought that…" Gwaine started to say.
"That what?" Arthur asked angrily. "That it would be that simple for me to just let go of Merlin and forget him?"
"No," Gwaine said. He was puzzling over Arthur's reaction.
"I did not ask for a new manservant and I did not appreciate your interference. Merlin is out there and we're going to find him," Arthur said determinedly.
"But what if he isn't?" Gwaine asked quietly.
Arthur turned away, refusing to answer. After a few minutes has passed, Gwaine's horse had been prepared. They took off into the woods. Once they got there, they slowed and started searching for any signs of Merlin.
"You know what I like about Merlin?" Gwaine asked after they had been searching for hours. "All these things he does just for the good of doing them."
Arthur held his hand up to stop Gwaine. It wasn't that he didn't want to hear Gwaine talk about Merlin, because he did. He loved hearing about how other people looked up to Merlin and appreciated the good he did. But he was almost certain he had heard something moving.
He and Gwaine exchanged an anxious look as they heard the sound again. They dismounted their horses and drew their swords. "Declare yourself," Arthur ordered.
For a moment nothing happened, then a muddy figure stepped out from behind a tree. It was a figure Arthur would have recognized anywhere. Arthur lowered his sword. "Merlin!" He called excitedly. He was alive. Arthur felt a euphoria unlike any other. There was nothing that compared to this feeling of having thought that someone is dead and then finding them alive.
Arthur stuck his sword into the ground and walked towards Merlin. "I thought we'd lost you!" Arthur said. He couldn't help it as he let out a joyous chuckle. Arthur didn't care that he would get muddy. He threw his arms around Merlin.
To Arthur's surprise, Merlin stiffened in his hold as if the hug had been unexpected.
Arthur frowned slightly but attributed it to the traumatic experience Merlin had been through. He knew Merlin would need time to recover.
They traveled back to Camelot. It became apparent very quickly that something was not quite right with Merlin. From his rude comments to his degrading manner. He wasn't acting like Merlin. Arthur had to hope this was just the result of what he had been through. Even Gwaine noticed something was off.
Arthur wished Merlin would be normal again. He figured Merlin would need a day to recover then he would be back to his clumsy self. It was two days later, when Arthur realized Merlin had just tried to kill him, that he realized something was really wrong. Arthur hit him over the head with a water pitcher and carried him to Gaius's chambers.
Gaius was able to identify the Fomorroh in Merlin's neck. He paralyzed it and sent Merlin off to destroy the snake.
Arthur knew he could not go with Merlin. He would need to age to defeat the Fomorroh. Morgana couldn't see him as Merlin, but that didn't mean Arthur was any happier about Merlin walking straight into trouble.
Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, Arthur quickly hugged Merlin and kissed his cheek. "Be careful," he whispered. "And come back to me."
"I will," Merlin promised.
Merlin galloped away on his horse. Arthur never looked away. What Arthur was unaware of was that several of his knights were on patrol and had witnessed the whole thing.
Arthur refused to move. He sat on the stone steps and waited. He knew it was childish and some would say he was neglecting his duty, but he knew there was no point in trying to accomplish any work if his mind was somewhere else.
Hours passed while he waited. He was vaguely aware of the men and women passing through the courtyard. None came up to him for which he was grateful.
As the sun was rising, his knights were gathered not far from Arthur in the hopes of figuring out their orders for the day. None of them dared approach Arthur and ask for fear of the consequences.
The sound of horseshoes clanking on gravel pervaded through the air. Arthur's eyes snapped up. He was exhausted. It had been a long time since he got a good night's sleep.
Merlin galloped straight into the courtyard and dismounted his horse. Arthur met him half way. "You-you're you?" Arthur asked uncertainly. He wasn't sure if Merlin managed to kill the Fomorroh. If he hadn't, Arthur didn't know what he would do.
Merlin smiled hugely. "I'm me again," he said. He couldn't help himself as he threw his arms around Arthur.
Conscious of the audience they had, they broke apart quickly. A frenzied whisper spread through the knights. It wasn't about the hug. They had seen the king hug his manservant many a times. It was the look they had shared afterwards. The look that said that nothing mattered as long as they were together.
Just like that, they understood.