The Bond That Ties Us
Chapter Four
Sweet Dreams Are Made of This
Some of them want to use you,
Some of them want to get used by you,
Some of them want to abuse you,
Some of them want to be abused
-Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), (cover) Emily Browning
turmoil
darkness
uncertainty
lost
alone
abandoned
misunderstood
"STOP!"
Rey opened her eyes. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed, and facing her was Ben, who was absolutely seething. His eyes were wide, his nostrils flared, his lips thinned where they pressed together. He was shirtless, and it was taking Rey more willpower than she would have liked to ignore it.
"Why?" she asked.
"You know why!"
"Do I?" She couldn't help herself: she smiled.
"Stay out of my head!"
The smile dropped. "Sure! So long as you stay out of mine!"
A stalemate occurred in which they glared at one another. It went on for several minutes, their gazes locked in an intense battle of wills. The anger in the room was almost palpable. Both were too stubborn to back down.
Something strange began to happen. Rey's heartrate picked up, and her stomach knotted with a flutter. Her breath grew unsteady as her skin seemed to tighten all over. Heat spread through her, leaving her entire body to tingle.
Ben's pupils dilated. His tongue touched his lips briefly. His fingers flexed and then curled into balls, as though he was holding himself back. His lashes lowered, making Rey's heart skip a pace. She was suddenly incredibly aware of the fact that he was shirtless, and that she couldn't ignore it any longer.
He rose onto his knees, slowly but steadily, treating her as if she were a skittish animal. She watched as he leaned forward, and she didn't stop him as he placed an arm on either side of her, forcing her to lower back onto the bed.
"Ben—"
"You want me."
She flushed and turned her head, gazing out into the dark room. She wanted to answer him, had rebuttals lined up on her tongue. They refused to leave her mouth, stranding her in a sea of sensations she didn't entirely understand. She was somewhat helpless beneath him, and he seemed to know it.
A dark chuckle echoed through the room, soft against her ear. Her hands came up to his chest—braced. To push him away…? To pull him closer…? How was his skin so warm? She had always thought of him as cold, unreachable, and that that would somehow transmute into his body.
He closed his eyes. One of his hands lifted to cover hers. He held it to his chest for a moment before his lips grazed her palm, the inside of her wrist…
A smile of wonder spread over his mouth. "Your pulse is racing."
It was the sight of that smile that left her unable to pull away, although she did flush harder with embarrassment.
A large, slender hand descended, landing on the center of her breastbone. He spread his fingers out, his expression growing intent. She tried to stay as still as possible, not knowing what he was about. After a moment, that same smile returned.
"Your heart is, too."
She swallowed.
He looked at her. "You're hiding your thoughts from me."
Again Rey turned her face away, but he caught it and gently nudged it back.
"Why?" he asked.
"Why do you hide yours from me?" she countered.
He went silent. Then he let her go and sat back, clearly pensive.
She didn't move, mostly because she wasn't sure if she could. Her heart was refusing to slow down even the tinniest bit, and her limbs continued to tingle all over.
"What if I asked you not to?"
Rey's gaze shot up to his. Stunned, she contemplated the question. He was asking for something, not demanding? She didn't get the feeling that it was some sort of trap, either.
But was it…?
"What if I asked you not to?"
Silence reigned once more.
"How do you expect me to trust you, when you can't trust me?" Rey propped herself up on her elbows to see him better.
"It's not that I don't trust you," he replied. "I just don't trust you not to meddle with my thoughts."
"Have you considered that may go both ways?"
"Why would I meddle with your thoughts?"
"Why would I meddle with yours?"
"To try to change me. To try to redeem me." He leaned forward, just a little. "There's nothing to redeem. There's nothing to change. The sooner you accept that, the better."
She shook her head with a small, exhausted laugh. "I've been trying to avoid you. Why would I care about your redemption? You've made yourself the 'Supreme Leader'—" and here she didn't bother to hide her distaste "—and you're bent on ruling the galaxy. I want nothing to do with you."
"That's not true." Ben's voice took on that lick of anger that signaled he was about to lose his temper. "We both know it's not."
"Ben, why does it matter if I'm at your side or not?!" she burst out and sat up entirely.
"Because you belong there. Because you are mine."
"I don't belong to anyone! No one owns me! Not anymore." She looked down with a shake of her head. "And until you can understand that—" She cut off with a sharp gasp.
Darkness, wrapping around her, soft, like a lover, caressing thoughts and feelings she'd been barely aware of.
The joy of letting go, of relishing in victory. The freedom of doing what she wanted, with nothing to stop her.
The high of controlling her own destiny—of never letting anyone hold her back. No guilt. No sadness.
lust—desire—heat—want—need—
It was as if another person was possessing her body as she jumped into his lap, tangled her fingers in his hair, and brought her lips crashing down on his.
A low growl rumbled in his throat that made her throb all over. His hands slid down her back and over her hips, jerking her closer, directly against him. She rose up on her knees, and his head tilted back so the kiss would remain unbroken, his hands now sliding around to cup the backs of her thighs.
This time it was she who inquisitively darted her tongue against his mouth. He parted his lips without hesitation, enticing her by touching his tongue to hers. Flames erupted beneath her flesh, goading her on, enough to sink her teeth into his lips. She didn't do it gently, asserting an edge of pain.
He growled louder, rising and tumbling her beneath him. Her thighs were hooked over his hips, and she wound her arms around his shoulders and pulled his mouth back to hers. He braced himself on the mattress with one hand as the other wandered over her ribs, rising higher, higher…
She gripped his wrist and pushed it down her body, only thinking about how good she felt, and how she was aching, and how he could help her. His hand cupped over her, his thumb rubbing her clit through her undergarments.
A moan exploded from her. She trembled, finding his neck and biting into it. His fingers hooked under fabric and pushed it aside so that a fingertip could dip inside of her.
"Ben—"
"REY! ARE YOU AWAKE?!"
Her eyes fluttered open.
Awareness slowly made itself known.
She was flat on her back, and the moth-eaten blankets were tangled around her legs. What was new, and a bit distressing, was her hand between her thighs, and her fingers… Blushing deeply, she pulled them free and sat up before lifting them for inspection. She'd never touched herself there—she'd never wanted to. But Ben came along, and she…
"Rey?!"
What had happened…? He'd been in her dream… She'd decided to delve into his mind, to remind him what that felt like. Ben had been furious… they'd discussed it, like reasonable adults, shockingly. And then… he'd… what? What had he done? Her memory of it was blurry. Something about…
She gasped. About darkness!
Had he manipulated her by showing the darkness inside of him? And what did it say, that she got swept into it without hesitation? It called to mind that day on Ahch-To, her first lesson with Luke, and the angry, exasperated words he had for her.
"…you went straight to the dark…!"
The darkness didn't scare her.
"Rey…?!" Bang, bang.
But Ben did.
"REY!"
"R'iia's shorts, I'm awake!" she yelled to the door.
"Come on, then, we're having a meeting! Poe wants to discuss getting back to the other base."
"I'll be right there!" she called, her voice still raspy with sleep. She listened to Finn's footsteps fade before she fell onto her back, arms spread around her, and sighed.
If he could show her his darkness, and let it pull her in… Then didn't it go to say that she could flip the tables? Do the same thing to him?
She lay there for a long while, searching her feelings. She supposed the real question was: did she want to? And even if she did… could he be saved?
She remembered speaking with Leia two weeks past, as the general grieved over the death of her brother. Her family was falling apart all around her, yet Luke's words remained with her.
"No one's ever really gone."
Rey put her forearm against her forehead, her heart heavy. Ben was determined to start over, to get rid of everyone and everything. How in seven hells was she supposed to be able to save him, especially when he didn't want to be saved?
"Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. That's the only way to become who you are meant to be."
The words whispered at the back of her mind.
"You're nothing… but not to me."
When Rey sat up, the movements were laced with anger. Just as she had the day before, she tugged on her boots and grabbed her lightsaber. She had no choice with her hair but to pull it back into a knot after combing her fingers through it.
"You're not alone."
Rey yelled and slammed her fist into a mirror that had seen better days. The crunch of the glass was satisfying, even if it stung like ripper-raptor fangs. She hated this. She hated remembering. It was easier not to, to pretend that nothing had ever passed between them, that she didn't know what it felt like to be close to his heart.
She didn't know what to do.
She closed her eyes as they stung with tears and tried to gather her breath. She had no one now. No one who could understand. Luke had sacrificed himself to save them all, and the person she'd turned to before was gone, swallowed up by his own venomous cesspool of emotions. Maybe he had never been there at all. Maybe it had all just been an elaborate ruse on Snoke's part.
Warm brown eyes, a hand extending to her, a hand of kinship.
Rey gritted her teeth. She hated him so much…!
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale…
Her eyes opened slowly.
But she didn't hate him enough.
She looked into the ruined mirror and then down at her bloody knuckles. She winced as she picked a few pieces of glass out. Served her right, losing her temper like that.
Tick marks on the wall, counting down every day, every day that she was stuck on Jakku, that she waited for her parents to come and rescue her…
"No, no! You're still—holding on! Let go! You want to know the truth about your parents? You've always known. You've just hidden it away. You know the truth. Say it. Say it."
Rey wiped her hands over her cheeks and sniffled.
"They were filthy junk traders who sold you off for drinking money. They're dead, in a pauper's grave, in a Jakku desert. You have no place in this story. You come from nothing. You're nothing."
She had thought she was over this. Why was it surfacing now? Because she'd fought so hard to put it from her mind, to focus on the path ahead of her?
"But not to me."
No!
This wasn't fair. She'd written him off. She'd known it was too late for him. And now she was deciding otherwise? But it just made sense. He was controlling the First Order. Someone was going to have to bring him down, and the only person who could do that was her. She was the only one strong enough to face off with him and survive.
That was the thing. The thought of killing him… it broke her.
Her back to the wall, she slid down it, her face screwed up to keep the tears back. She put her arms around her knees and buried her face in them.
"…but not to me…"