Chapter 4: Sun and Moon

He couldn't be in that house any longer, he wanted desperately to stay but he just couldn't.

Three years.

Castiel had waited to interact with Dean for three years. He wanted to mend the bridge between them- he had wanted to since the moment that he left. Yet he had to sit by and wait for permission from his brother. He had to wait until Lucifer thought that things would be safe. Until Lucifer knew that he wasn't going to lose his apprentice. Three years was a long time to wait. It left a lot of time to change, a lot of time to develop. Yes, it was true- he wasn't the same person as the last time they met. At least not on the outside- but if someone bothered to look below the surface they might find the same Cas. To be fair, Castiel was a complicated book to read- but that didn't make him worthy of being put on a shelf and left to collect dust.

Yet he felt that in some ways, Dean had done just that. Dean only read what he saw on the surface- someone who was cold, cruel, and uncaring. Someone who he could assume was just the same as Lucifer. Someone who no longer had any good qualities. But he should know better then that, he should know that Cas was a good person at heart. They may have only spent a few months together but Castiel very much valued their bond. He thought that Dean did too.

Actions speak louder then words and Dean made it clear through both his actions and his words that he thought I was some kind of evil psychopath. Castiel thought, breathing out cold morning air from on top of his car. Someone had dropped a spare car off at the Winchester house so he would have a way to get back. Instead of using as a way to get back though, Castiel had used it as a way to escape. When Castiel saw it outside he decided to get in and drive until he could find a nice place to watch the sun rise.

Impulse driving.

It was a habit that Cas had learned over time- he would get upset and then he would get behind the wheel and drive. Driving had a soothing effect on him and it was one of the few activities that he was still allowed to do. He would either drive until he found the sun or drive until he found somewhere to watch the sun rise. It was one of the only things that Lucifer hadn't taken away from him. He could still observe the beauty around him.

So on some days, Castiel would just take off in one direction. North, Southwest, Northeast, it didn't matter. Sometimes he would drive for hours- sometimes only minutes. Usually, it was just until he found some place that he could be alone. Parks, play grounds, empty fields, country back roads, hills; these were all the usual types of places. He also made a point to always try to go to new places, in fact he tried to never go to the same place twice. He always wanted to see the sun rise from a different perspective.

He breathed out the cold air, watching as it dissipated into nothing. It was funny how morning air did that. It was so cold that when the warm breath hit it, it created a temporary fog that everyone could see. Cas let out a long breath, watching again as it disappeared into nothing. Like water running down the drain- it was just gone.

Like all of his efforts to make amends.

Now he just felt depressed. It was that kind of thinking that made him want to jump off a bridge on a day to day basis. He sighed and shifted so he was sitting cross legged instead of with his feet out. The rays of light were just starting to peak over horizon. Castiel stopped musing over the way the fog drifted up and fixed his eyes on the distance.

A light fog covered the terrain, making everything difficult to make out. It wasn't impossible to see through but it did make things a little tough. A haze that made the earth look unsettled. Still- that made the sunrise more exciting. Rays of light were much easier to see when they were shinning through the fog.

It created a dreamy effect- almost like looking through the stain glass windows in a church. The reds and blues shinning down as light reflected through the windows. As the light made shapes on the cathedral floor. It was- poetic. Castiel smiled just a little at the thought. Maybe next time he decided to do something like this, he should watch the sunrise from a church window.

Now there was a thought.

It was a strange feeling, smiling. Cas didn't realize how long it had been since he had smiled. It felt like a foreign concept- he hadn't done it so long. Castiel wasn't capable of smiling around Lucifer. Any time that he did, Lucifer would either comment on his smile or do something that ruined it. A soft sadness washed over him- he had hoped, as silly as it sounds, that he would be sharing this smile with someone. But, here he was- alone. No one was smiling at him and he was only smiling to himself. He wasn't even smiling for his reflection.

A gentle pink glow peeked in the horizon- it blended seamlessly into a blue backdrop that was speckled with stars. A large reddish orange orb was just barely visible but Cas felt his eyes immediately drawn to it. It was blinding- radiant- the focal point of an otherwise empty photograph.

In a way, the color of the rising run reminded him very much of Dean. The way that it was able to stand alone, the way it was free and stood out from all around it. The rest of the world was drawn into its natural light- his natural charm. It wasn't even that it was the color, now that he thought about it- it was just the sun itself. The cold night sky was being warmed by the glow of the sun. It was being softened, by its charm.

Cas wondered silently if Dean would be able to soften his cold exterior again. Would the morning sun be able to turn the thick midnight sky into a picturesque vision of oranges, pinks, purples, and even a little blue. Would it be able to help the moon to feel warm again?

The sun crept higher, cresting at the top of the horizon- Castiel watched as the dark blues melted away. Yet the stars were still visible- if he squinted. The sun had ushered in a brightness that was lighting up the whole sky. It was amazing to think that the sun was just another star.

No. The sun wasn't just another star, it was the earth's savior. It kept it warm- habitable, without it everything would die. The earth would become a frozen, empty wasteland. The earth would be just like any other planet- the earth would become just like the moon. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. Just a cold, hunk of rock. Just another face on the morning subway.

I wonder, without Dean will I fade into the background? Will I be just another face in the crowd? Perhaps I already am. What about me, makes me stand out from everyone else? What about me makes me special? I don't radiate light- don't effect everyone I touch. The only thing I do is break things- ruin lives.

Perhaps I am doomed to be the moon. Solitary and unnoticed- everyone will sleep when I shine my brightest. No one will notice, that my phases change- no one will notice when I am absent. I will be doomed to forever chase the sun- yet I will never catch him. The only time we'll ever even exist in the same sky is during an eclipse.

Cas let another breath escape his lips. The morning air was brisk and chilling but he didn't mind. Very few people could appreciate the cold for what it was. Without winter there would be no spring and no summer. You needed one extreme to have the other.

"I'm sorry that I'm not who you want me to be." he whispered to no one. Watching as the sun climbed higher and higher, pushing away the night sky and the moon as well. "I'm sorry I can't be perfect for you. I can't be everything that you want me to be."

He hated to admit it but Lucifer was right. Castiel was doomed to only ever be a memory in Dean's past. Whether Dean knew it or not, he was destined to be someone great. Someday he would be somebody because that's just the type of person that he was.

Dean was the type of person who lit up a room as soon as he walked in. Just like the sun. The way that he laughed, the way that he smile, but most importantly the way that he always did what he thought was right. Dean often acted like he didn't believe that he was even capable of free will- but the truth was, everything he did was original. He was innovative and interesting. Dean had a way of drawing you in, with that smile of his and his stupid jokes.

It was true, someday Dean Winchester was going to be somebody.

And Castiel Milton would just be here.

He would always be under his brother's thumb. He would never be able to escape from that grasp. Free will just wasn't an option for him, he didn't have that luxury. He would always be a soldier, someone who was taking orders. Someone who never had the capability or the option to think for himself. Someone who was always alone. The moon.

These moments that he took to himself. These little trips into the middle of nowhere were the only original thoughts in his head. This was the only time that he had made a decision on his own. Maybe that was why he would take these moments, maybe that's why he loved them so much. They were the only time that he was able to compete with Dean Winchester and no one was even around to see it. Everyone was still asleep- waiting for the morning sun to light their sky.

Castiel chuckled softly, but his snickering turned into full blown laughter. He threw his head back and kept on laughing at the irony of it all. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes but he knew that he wasn't actually going to cry. He leaped off of the car, throwing his head up and looking at the sky.

"What the hell do you want from me?! I'm giving you everything that I have! I can't be who you want me to be! I can't be perfect, why do you expect me to be?!" Castiel screamed to the heavens, even knowing they would never give him any answers. "You son of a bitch. I believed in..."

He let himself collapse backwards, falling flat on his back into the moist grass. Cas closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. His throat hurt from screaming, he wasn't used to speaking above regular speech- let alone screaming. He glanced over, noticing that his phone had fell out of his pocket when he fell.

Cas picked it up, thumbing over his contact list. He stopped on Dean, letting his thumb hover over the delete button. Maybe he was better off alone, better off not caring anymore. Dean would be able to get on with his life- he wouldn't have to worry about his past dropping in to say hi. He would be able to go find a girl, get a house, and have two point five kids. He wouldn't ever have to worry about that weird kid who he met when his brother was in the hospital, again.

He wondered if Dean would ever even think about his experience of being romantically interested in another guy. Cas hesitated to slap any kind of label on it- as far as he knew neither of them had really decided a sexual preference. Did it even really matter?

There were so many other things to think about; like if life even had much of a point to it. Why should sexuality matter if he didn't even really want to live anymore? What about life even made it worth living?

For most people it was a person. They lived for love, whether romantic or friendship. Whether family or something in between, people often lived for other people. Then there were the people who lived to work, they lived for the job. They lived to feel accomplished in something that they did. Something that they effected. Lastly, there were the people who lived for the sheer experience of living. The people that wanted to live it up like there was no tomorrow.

Yet at the end of the day, when the curtain drops on someone how much have they really done in life? How will they be remembered years and years later? Cas sighed, realizing that if he died he doubted anyone would remember him. His siblings would move on and once they died no one would ever know who he was. No one would remember what he had done.

The truth was he didn't really feel like he had done anything except exist.

And if he died, he wouldn't have even made a dent in the world. Cas sighed, closing his phone and tossing it to the side. The morning frost had soaked through his clothes now, he felt cold and wet and he didn't even care. As far as he was concerned, he could lay there until the end of days. The one person that he had hoped would care, couldn't give a rats ass what happened to him.

"Are you alright?" a soft female voice asked. Cas didn't even bother to look, though he did open his eyes. He couldn't see her in his peripherals, but he could tell she was pretty close.

"I suppose you could say I'm having a bit on an existential crisis." he replied, his voice instantly snapping back into a dead tone.

"Oh..." she sounded confused. Then Cas heard rustling and a young girl, maybe thirteen, in pajamas and a parka came into view.

"You don't know what an existential crisis is, do you?" he asked slowly.

"No, not really. I mean... I've heard of them and I get them in theory, but I don't really know what that feels like." she answered crouching next to him.

Wow, for once I understand something and someone else is confused. Castiel thought to himself. He couldn't really think of anything to say, so he just laid there. The girl shifted, pulling her parka down so she could sit on it without getting wet from the morning frost. She hugged her knees to her chest as she sat still. In a way, just her presence was comforting to Cas. After it became apparent that Castiel wasn't going to speak, she decided to ask some questions.

"So, we don't get a lot of visitors out here, I know you said your having an existential- whatever but why here?"

"Where do you normally have an existential crisis? It's not like there's a set place to ponder your place in the universe." Castiel replied, thoughtful.

"What's your name?"

"Castiel..." he sighed a little, "But you can call me Cas if you can't pronounce that."

"I'm Layla."

"Well Layla, what are you doing out here? Besides talking to a strange man who is laying in a pile of wet, frozen grass." Cas asked.

"I live with my mom, in the house nearby. I wake up to watch the sun rise a lot. I saw you out here and I was curious."

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for school?"

"I don't go to school."

"What? Why?"

"I have this thing... Its a brain tumor, it can't be operated on. The doctors don't know when I'm going to die but... they know that I am going to die. Unless they find some kind of miracle. So I don't go to school anymore. There just isn't any point." she replied calmly.

"I'm sorry. If anyone should be having an existential crisis, it should be you. Not me."

"No. I've made my peace. I'm not afraid to die. I don't want to live my life that way. For lots of people it takes dying to know how to live. So... why are you so troubled?"

"Well- there's this guy. I care about him very much... He's the only person whose ever made me feel like..." Cas stopped to think of what words to use. "Who made me feel like I could be more. Like I could be better then what I am. Like I'm free to be who I want to be, I could be anyone."

"But?"

"But I had to go away... See someone in my family didn't want me to be near him. They didn't want me thinking like that. So they blackmailed me and told me that I had to be this entirely different person, that I didn't want to be. They made me lie and steal... and hurt people... And now- Now he thinks that I am that person. That I'm this evil soul who can't possibly be redeemed. I don't know why but he's just so angry at me all the time-"

"Ever think that maybe its because he's afraid to admit that he cares about you? Maybe he's afraid that you'll hurt him."

"And now... I'm sitting here wondering if life is even worth living. I mean... I can't be anyone. I'm not special or different. What makes my life valuable? What makes me stand out from everyone else? At the end of the day, why am I even alive? Am I just living because it's too much trouble to die? I just don't know." Cas sighed.

"All because one guy doesn't like you?"

"He's very, very important to me. And without him all of the doubts in my mind are just magnified." Cas answered closing his eyes and palming his features. Everything was so exhausting to think about. "Haven't you ever been around someone who just makes you feel like your so much stronger then you really are?"

Layla hoped to her feet, "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"To get a CD. We need some music, we can play it from your car. Music always helps me to feel better, sometimes I just turn it up so loud I can't even think." she said darting away. Cas let out a hurt chuckle. What a strange thing for her to think they needed. He rolled over, climbing to his feet and stalking over to the car. He threw open the door climbing into the front seat.

Maybe I should go find a liquor store. Castiel mused, staring blankly through the windshield. After a few minutes Layla came back holding a grocery bag, she climbed into the passenger seat putting the bag on the floor.

"I brought music and snacks." Layla said happily. "Okay so... I have a bunch of CDs... which one do you want to put on?"

"Chances are I haven't heard of any of them. Just pick one." Castiel replied. Layla shrugged and reached in the bag, grabbing a hold of the first one she could find. She pulled it out and read the front cover to herself- then she slid it into the slot. She skipped past the first track until she found one that she wanted to listen to.

"Self-loathing is quaint,"
you told me, showing restraint.
Now you're gone and I'm lost,
In the swells I am tossed -
bobbing and choking and losing the fight in the fog.
You said, "Forever..." Tell me, why can't you stay?

"Did you have to pick a song that fit?" Cas groaned, hearing the opening lines. Layla laughed softly, she had an unusually calm laugh.

"I like for things to be appropriate. Though I hope you aren't drunk..."

"No I'm not drunk. At least not yet. I guess I feel like maybe I should be, but I'm not. I'm certainly depressed enough." Cas answered.

"Maybe I should just skip to the next track?" she asked.

"Sure..."

Sun falls slowly on our lonely
goodbye bedroom, you're my only.

Castiel groaned hearing the opening lines of the song. Did she have to pick songs that were so appropriate? It even had the right metaphor. "I'm sorry... I'm not helping you." Layla decided.

My last night home is first-night nervous
Take me over, remember all this 'til then...

Castiel laughed cynically, "It's alright. I don't blame you. I'm what most people would consider 'a lost cause'. You don't need to apologize to me... I don't deserve-"

Please save this for me,

His phone started buzzing causing both of them to jump, Layla turned the stereo down but it was still playing softly in the background. Cas flipped it open, trying to regain his composure on the fly. "Hello?"

I'll come back for you, love, I promise to.

"Cas- Castiel..." a male voice rasped. "The hell?"

Please save this for me, for until I return

"I'm sorry...?"

my love will burn and my heart will stay.

"You just up and left... I woke up this morning to a note that said my work was 'taken care of' and you're friggan no where to be found. I may be pissed but- I-" It was Dean, though hard to make out at first due to his rasp. The cold must really be doing a number on him. Castiel wondered when was the last time that Dean had been sick like this.

My heart will stay.

"You...?" Castiel echoed.

"Look I didn't want you to just clear out. Okay? Yeah, I'm pissed. But if a friend shows up and helps you and doesn't ask for anything in return... Well- you don't just push him away." Dean reasoned, Castiel could hear a slight panic in his voice.

"I just needed space. I'm sorry that I worried you..." Cas apologized. Wondering if he really should be apologizing.

Dean sighed, "Well- uh... do you... will you- are you going to come back...?"

Should he come back? After everything that had happened- after all of his existential pondering- should he go back to Dean? Even knowing that the sun and the moon didn't belong in the same sky. The sun would always push the moon away. It would only ever be freak coincidence that they existed in the same place at the same time. Even then one would always be blocking the other.

It's gone cold now, we'll sleep somehow
I'll be gone by first light, last chance, hold tight until then...

He drew in a breath and held it, trying to think of what to say. He didn't know how to explain it or how to answer. Dean coughed lightly into the phone. Cas wasn't sure if it was intentional or not- maybe he was prompting him to give an answer. Or maybe it was just Castiel's imagination.

Please save this for me,

Then he exhaled slowly. "No, I don't think that I am."

I'll come back for you, love, I promise to.

"Oh..." Dean said lamely. "I uh..."

Please save this for me, for until I return,

"I'm gonna go..." Laylah said softly in the passenger seat picking up her things and heading out. It barely even registered in Castiel's mind. She smiled and left the CD in the car. "Keep the CD. I think it will help you more then it will help me."

"Yeah..." Cas tried, giving Laylah a wave of acknowledgment. She flashed one last smile and got out of the car, heading off in a different direction. Castiel sighed softly trying to think of something to say. What could he say?

my love will burn and my heart will stay.

"Well- um... I guess... I'll see you... around... sometime..."

My heart will stay.

"Yes." Cas answered, the phone clicking off. He sighed and leaned back in his front seat- when he glanced over to the passenger seat Layla was gone. Castiel was now alone. He sighed and cranked the keys, hearing the engine roar and causing the CD player to give a quick skip before it resumed playing it's track.

I lie awake and memorize your face
as you sleep next to me.

He took a beat, wondering if he had made the right choice. He silently attempted to convince himself that he was right. Dean was the sun, he needed to be surrounded by clouds and beautiful blue skies. Castiel just wasn't that person. He needed to be somewhere he was free to spread his radiance. A place where he knew that his beams would be effecting others, where he would be great. Although, he was already great- Cas wasn't doing him any good by sticking around. He was just eclipsing him and causing him to black out.

Causing him grief and pain that Dean didn't need. He already had far too much of that.

The falling moon is calling me as I leave.
Sunrise slowly, the road looms lonely
but I will not fail...

No, instead, Castiel was the dead of midnight and until he could change that he was best keeping his distance from everyone. He should continue to be the person that no one noticed. The person that time that everyone slept through. That was how he could help, by giving people the time they needed to rest. Lucifer was right- the place that he belonged, was alone. Coming back and trying to make amends was a mistake. Once he got his real car back from Dean he should just disappear again.

Invisible.

Everything would be right then. He glanced over his shoulder, backing out and heading down the long stretch of country road. It was better this way, it would always be better this way.

Please save this for me
I'll come back for you, love, I promise to
Please save this for me, for until I return
my love will burn and my heart will stay.
My heart will stay...

My heart will stay.

Dean look at what you did. You made a big freaking mess. I hope you're happy.

Originally, this chapter was going to be from Dean's perspective. I went through about three different scenarios with Dean until I decided to write from Castiel's point of view. First of all, because we haven't had a chapter from his point of view yet. Second, because I think it's important for my audience to understand what's going on in Castiel's head. So that they can fully appreciate the gravity of what's happening. Yeah, remember that depression that Cas had in 'Worker Bee'? I don't think it got any better.

I promised myself I wouldn't be so involved with music this time... I lied.

Also, I love my sun and moon metaphor- I hope you like it too.

Lemme know what you think!

Rate, Review, Favorite! It means so much!

EDIT: Because I forgot to put the song title in here... The song is called 'Please' by Ludo