CHAPTER 4

"Don't Waste Your Time"

That night I didn't sleep much. I mostly just stared at the ceiling. I wondered how Laurel was dealing with it all. I hadn't called her yet and she'd probably be worried. I'd have to give her a call as soon as I decided to turn my cell phone on.

In the morning I heard Agnes bustling around in the kitchen. She was making breakfast. I freshened up and joined her. As she was flipping over an omelet she glanced at me. "You didn't get much sleep."

"I'll adapt."

Sadness appeared in her hazel-colored eyes. "I wish I could do something to help."

"Thanks."

I was thankful, really. But I couldn't stand pity. So after an awkward breakfast, I went for a jog by the neighborhood park. I wish I were back in Cousins jogging along the coast instead.

Upon returning to her house, I brought some chicken breasts and stuff for salad.

"So what are you going to do?" she asked as I opened up the packages of chicken.

"Grill them?"

She shook her head. "I mean, what are you going to do to get Belly back?"

I stared at her in disbelief. "I can't do anything. My brother loves her. Besides, it's too late anyways."

"You love her too."

"It's not that simple."

"Are you sure?"

I rolled my eyes.

"I just hate seeing you like this," she admitted.

"Don't worry. I'll be out of your hair as soon as I find a place to stay."

"Conrad—"

"Agnes, I appreciate this. Honestly. But I prefer to be alone. It's always been that way."

"I guess I understand," she said defeated.

xxx

By the end of the following week I managed to find an affordable apartment closer to the shore but still near Stanford. Agnes helped me settle in. She wasn't happy about me moving out so soon but it wasn't up to her to decide what I did with my life. I sulked in my new home for the next week. She'd stop by a few times and it didn't take me long to realize the existing feelings she has for me, feelings that shouldn't be there for many reasons. The first being the most important: I couldn't stop thinking about Belly. I kept recalling the look on her face when I surprised her on Valentine's Day. Or when we'd talk on the phone every evening; I always looked forward to helping her out with math homework. Then the time I taught her the rules of infinity zoomed into my head. Before hand, it was like I knew deep down inside that she was my infinity. No matter where life took us, she'd always be present in my heart.

Get it together. My own voice whispered in my head. I was driving myself insane with nostalgia and regret. All I'd pretty much done since I went back to California was mope.

Suddenly a lightbulb clicked inside my head. I jumped out of bed and rummaged through my guitar case. Susannah would have the answer. My mom's letter was hidden in the compartment where I kept my guitar picks and Dunlop. I was going to read it for the second time. My mom always said the right things. Before unfolding it I had to think whether it would be right to read it again. Today wasn't my wedding day. The purpose of the letters she wrote to us kids was so that we'd open them on our wedding days. The only reason I'd already read mine was because my letter was accidentally put inside Jere's envelope. No matter how wrong it felt though, I knew her words would make me feel better.

Dear Conrad,

I never knew anyone smarter than you. I believe you'll learn to make the right choices. Jeremiah looks up to you. Even if the two of you are at odds sometimes, you'll always be brothers. Don't ever forget that bond that can never be broken.

On your wedding day I picture you already out of college with a degree in Medical Science. I picture a beautiful girl walking down the aisle, making her way toward you. Your girl has long, thick hair that compliments the freckles on her nose. Her mystical gray eyes are only on you. She's the girl you've loved for years. Your girl is Belly, our Belly.

I always knew she'd marry one of my boys. I knew and I hoped. What seem to be my last few months have been wonderful. I got the chance to see you in love. This is the happiest I've ever seen you in fact. I know how much you care for Belly and we all know she returns the same feelings. The two of you belong together; it's inevitable.

Today is your wedding day and it's with Isabel Conklin, soon to be Isabel Fisher. Forgive me for not being physically present but I am spiritually there with you. Conrad, the love of a mother is undying. I know you're angry with me for leaving but I'll always be there with you through the toughest and best of times. Whenever you're in doubt, just go to Cousins and stay close to Laurel. I guarantee you she'll always remind you of me just like the rest of our summer family will. A piece of me is in each one of you: my motherly love and understanding is in Laurel; my friendship and peace is in Jeremiah; my grace and adventure is in Belly, my humor and sterness is in Steven, and lastly my strength and goodwill is in you, my eldest son. Don't ever think that you're alone because in reality, you have your whole summer family to fall back on, including your dad. I know you don't have the best relationship with him but please make the effort.

I now leave you to attend my beloved daughter-in-law. Make her happy. Show her love. Don't ever waste your time together. And always give her strength like you did for me.

Nothing but love from your mother,

Susannah Fisher