Disclaimer:
Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest --- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, so please, call off your lawyers. As college students, we have no money. On the other hand, any specific author created characters created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further ado, let's get on with the show!
The Surgeon General's Warning:
Read at your own risk.
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The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives
The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru
Chapter 04:
Fighting Sucks
A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty
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"This is so troublesome…" Shikamaru sighed in frustration. In front of him was an entire legion of heavily armed maids, with what he assumed to be the Head Maid up front. The leader in particular possessed an impressive number of sharp things in her hands, far more than it should be possible.
"What business does a human have here in the Scarlet Devil Mansion?"
"Ma'am, I assure you there's a reasonable ex—"
Whoa?!
His limbs were frozen by the awesome wave of killing intent that washed over him; far worse than anything he had ever encountered, it surpassed even the fight against the flute girl! This woman… this maid, she didn't just want to kill him – she wanted to utterly destroy him!
And why were her eyes red when they were blue moments ago?!
"Damn!" Shikamaru hissed as he dodged a sudden flurry of knives. Never before had he a great wish that he had trained with that Tenten girl, or for Neji to be here for his Kaiten technique. At least then his chances of survival were much greater. Though it was just one woman throwing it all, the sheer volume of fire rivaled entire squads of ninja! Just who was this woman?!
And in a blink, his vision was filled with even more knives! Where did they come from?! A blink ago, there wasn't a single knife in the air, and now there were hundreds! When did she throw 'em? He didn't even see her throw those damn sharp, gleaming things that were coming right at…
"Shit!" Shikamaru spat, his hands coming together to form a handseal.
Kawarimi no jutsu!
In an explosion of smoke, a chair replaced where Shikamaru once was, immediately becoming a literal pincushion, before being pinned and shattered into smithereens against the far wall. Any hesitation, and that would've been him! But there was little time to ogle in fear for his planted smoke bomb suddenly exploded, filling the area with a dense cloud of dark gray colored smoke: his cue to escape.
I am outta here!
By the time the air had cleared sufficiently, all that was left of their intruder was the pile of junk and the still stunned Lily White. That poor fairy…
Run, pineapple-head. Run.
Of course, such a task was made much harder by the fact that the hallways seemed ridiculously long. Was there even an end to these halls?
"What's with this mansion?! Why is it so big?!" Shikamaru loudly voiced his questions, though he didn't expect to be answered. Thus, imagine his surprise when someone did.
"Do you really wish to know?" the small girl with bat wings was suddenly next to him, an amused look upon her face as she kept up with the boy effortlessly. Her feet didn't seem to even touch the floor. Wait. She's FLYING?! "I have an explanation for all of that. You see, there's a certain person that lives here who likes to toy with time and space..."
"God damn, woman! Tell me who!" Shikamaru wheezed out, completely ignoring the fact that one he was speaking to had some strange quirks about her. Those wings were functional, it seemed. Not to mention, she only looked around his age, so conferring a respectful title of "woman" to her might have been a bit much.
Oh well… can't win 'em all.
"The Maid," she responded nonchalantly, excusing his rude behavior as ignorance. Really, one could not expect a stranger to realize the standing of another, especially when not introduced to each other.
"The Maid?" the chuunin repeated with healthy skepticism, doubt, and a good dose of disbelief.
"Head Maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion: Izayoi Sakuya," Shikamaru came to a full and complete stop as a familiar maid suddenly appeared in front of him to introduce herself.
"Oh…" Shikamaru managed to squeak out, now face to face with the young woman in question. He was just little over the girl's head in height, though that did little to reduce the eerie killing intent he could feel from the maid's crimson eyes. "………Hello."
Well, at least he had a name to go with the pretty face… though it was pretty darn scary to think she was gliding along in front of him.
"Gokigen'yo, Painappuru Saru-san."
A Good day to you, Pineapple Monkey-san?!
"Maa, Sakuya. Stop playing around and hurry it up," the little mistress yawned and floated by lazily. She didn't seem all that bothered by the ninja's attempts to escape and survive. In fact, she even seemed amused.
What?! When?! How?! How did they all catch up to him so fast! And why is it all the females here can fly for some reason?
"I apologize, Mistress. I will finish the job immediately," the silver-haired maid nodded her head and brought out another handful of blades. Gritting his teeth, Shikamaru stopped his vain run and responded by pulling out his own kunai, readying himself for whatever she could throw at him, literally.
"Oh? So the intruder dares to fight back?" she smirked, her other hand opening to reveal a sort of pocket-watch. Depressing one of the buttons on the watch, Shikamaru felt a sense of dread seeing the watch's hands cease movement. "Muda da! It's useless!"
The World?! It's frozen in time?!
"Toki wo tomare!" the maid sang as scores of knives appeared all around the trapped ninja, all aimed right at him. There were so many, he couldn't count them all! "Time has stopped!"
Oh shit. This could hurt big time.
Suddenly, Shikamaru's analytical mind kicked in with an amazing revelation! So as long as time was frozen, the knives could not move; she could only prepare a deadly trap, not execute! Thus, he still had a split second when time resumed to dodge!
Huh. Good thing he was a ninja; and thank the Gods for whoever invented the displacement technique. Without it, he would've long ago been dead.
The moment the flow of time reverted to normal, Shikamaru made the seal and displaced himself with a random painting. Instant pincushion and destruction of a potentially expensive piece of art, oh and there goes the floor boards too and the floor below, but hey, at least he wasn't dead.
And how fortuitous that the displacement placed him right next to a window! Score!
But there was no way to open it?
Screw opening it!
SMASH RIGHT THROUGH IT!
Shattered glass and wood splinters followed him out the building.
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FREEDOM! Glorious freedom!
Ahh, fresh air had never smelled so wonderful. In fact, it seemed a lot cleaner here than back at home. Like the chuunin he was, Shikamaru landed without a sound and sprinted towards the only visible exit, that is straight towards the tree line. His relief and excitement rose with every step, especially since there wasn't anything around that tried to stop him.
"Halt, you suspicious man!"
Holy Zen, what now?! And why in Buddha did I actually stop running?
"I am the Door Guard of the Scarlet Devil Mansion-aru, Hong Meirin! Intruders will be dealt with extreme prejudice!" A red-haired girl wearing green and white traditional Chinese clothing and a starred beret jumped in front of him, landing in an unfamiliar fighting stance that Shikamaru could only describe as exotic. "HI-YAAAH!"
With that cry, she leapt into a flurry of kicks and punches that rattled the ninja's hastily thrown up defenses. Now, Shikamaru was never a great taijutsu specialist like Rock Lee, nor was he particularly fast like the prince bastard Sasuke. However he was still a ninja, and he could hold his own.
Kick! Punch! Block!
Chop! Kick! Block!
Block! Turn and kick!
Duck! Duck again! Turn and jump kick! Follow through with a chop!
Punch! Again! And again!
Shit. Block block block block! KEEP BLOCKING DAMN IT.
He soon discovered that despite being a ninja, he was no combat specialist. He also discovered that he had sorely underestimated the skill of the door guard, an amateur mistake that shamed him. This Hong Meirin woman was far more skilled in martial arts than Rock Lee, and moved faster than a jounin!
"HOUSHOUKEN KIIIIIIIIIIICKU!"
Which meant he couldn't react in time to dodge the flying kick to the chest that smashed him backwards and upwards into a fantastic arc.
"Ah?! Ai ya! That's the wrong direction-aru!" Shikamaru could hear the woman cry out as he soared back towards the direction of the mansion, creating another pineapple-head shaped hole in the wall.
Maaan, at this rate he'd be more useful as a carpenter than a ninja.
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Instead of the ridiculously long hallway he expected to forcibly enter, it was a ridiculously large room with barely any light. Taking his current angle into consideration, his speed and the downward acceleration of gravity, he should crash land right aboouuuut…
There.
KRAKA-KABOOM!
Let it be known to everyone that wood and paper does not make for a comfortable place to land on, especially when more comes bearing down on top of you. What seemed to be hundreds of other small but hard things dropped mercilessly onto his body, pummeling him relentlessly.
"Oww, damn! Troublesome women," Shikamaru muttered as he climbed out of his prison of fallen books. Looking around, he noticed that he was utterly and completely surrounded by towering stacks of books and walls of bookshelves, they too saturated with reading materials.
Huh. This could be a nice place to hang out in if it weren't for the fact that everyone on here was out for his blood. That really messed things up, that it did.
"Mukyuu! How dare you ruin all the work I've done," a quiet female voice drew Shikamaru's attention behind him. There was a single young woman with purple hair and wearing what seemed to be long lavender dress pajamas and a nightcap with a moon on it. In her thin, pale hands was a thick tomb with archaic writing on it.
Work? You were sitting there reading a book!
"Divine Punishment!" the girl announced, pointing her finger at Shikamaru. A spark of flame formed on the tip, quickly growing in size. "Fire Sign – Angi Shine!"
Huh. Today was Tuesday, wasn't it?
A literal whirlwind of fire blazed towards the hapless ninja, burning all in its path. Perhaps it was not the best choice to use in a place full of books, but it was indeed the most destructive here.
"GYAAAH! Don't use fire inside a library!" Shikamaru yelled as he dove out of the way of the inferno.
"Mukyuu! Stand still and receive your chastisement! Angi Shine!"
FOOM.
A well-placed kawarimi replaced him with a small table that took the wave of fire and was set ablaze. The displacement also served to shock the fire-spewing librarian, granting Shikamaru a valuable moment of freedom to get the hell out. Alas, much like the rest of the mansion, the library was indeed monstrously huge! Where the hell was he?! Behind him was that crazy librarian blasting waves of fire in a place full of wood and wood products, and here he was, lost!
Oh hey look. A door.
Yes! Exit!
Exeunt from the Librarium.
No! Maid army!
THOCK THOCK THOCK
The wall next to him was suddenly adorned with a trio of knives. It didn't take Shikamaru long to determine whom the culprit was, and as such, he responded accordingly by bolting in the opposite direction of the maids.
"Jeeeeeze! Cut me a break here!" Shikamaru complained as he dodged another handful of knives with a quick kawarimi. It seemed the gods did show some mercy, as there was a door coming up on his right, the only door visible in this hallway. And he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Almost ripping the door of its hinges, Shikamaru passed through in a leap of faith. However it seemed his faith was not enough, as there was no floor.
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With a familiar feeling of freefall came the familiar outcry. Both the fall and yell lasted exactly two-point-seven seconds before Shikamaru made landfall on a incline plane with uniform outcroppings on it: stairs. Down and down the ninja went, rolling and tumbling painfully over every not-soft step. It seemed never-ending, ever bouncing agonizingly down. When at last, minutes later, he landed as an aching pile of tender flesh, relief and frustration washed over him.
Standing shakily, Shikamaru turned to glare at the seemingly endless flight of vile stairs.
How many damn steps did he fall down?! Ten thousand? And how the hell did he survive all that?! Arrrgh! This entire mansion was one massive paradox! And where was he, anyways? This was far too deep to be a normal cellar. Then again, he was in a mansion that was far larger than it should be, populated by an army of maids, a door guard, and a pyro-librarian! What else could this mansion hide?
"Hehehe!"
A haunting chill ran down his spine at the feather-light, childlike, giggle that echoed through the cellar. The feeling someone was watching him was immensely strong, and he could've sworn he saw a flash of rainbow-colored light. There was definitely something down here with Shikamaru, and it scared him more than any battle he had fought before.
"This is troublesome," the chuunin's voice shuddered in the room's abnormal cold. Or maybe… it was his own fear chilling his body. "This is so damn troublesome…"
Shikamaru had no idea.
"Play! Play! Let's play, tee hee hee!"
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To be continued…
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Author's Notes:
Whew. Finally got that done with. Look forward to the next one!
Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and every one of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. If you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the maestro here.
Tsudzuku!