Chapter 4: Maybe Yes, Maybe No (R)

The door slams, and Rinoa collapses onto her bedroom floor on the other side of it. Her back touches the door, and her extremely tense body shakes uncontrollably. Fists balled, and teeth clenched, she vows that this is the last straw.

She had another fight with her father… It was bad enough that she had been forced to move back into his house after her life crumbled again. It got worse when he didn't seem surprised that things didn't work out. It got worse when they couldn't get along. And Rinoa was sure it would only get worse the more time she spent there. She for once thought that her mom was lucky to have died, in order to escape from his banal, know-it-all, incessantly perfect self.

"I hate him…I hate him…I hate him!"

She screams in frustration before picking up the closest thing to her, which happens to be a plastic cup, and throws it at her window. As it leaves her fingers, she already regrets what she has done. It sails through the air, curves parabolically before making contact with the window…where it thankfully bounces off and clatters on the floor.

Despite her fury, Rinoa feels grateful that in her tirade, she didn't manage to break anything. She does have a bit of a temper, she's willing to admit. That may be something to work on to make herself better.

Newly single, thanks to her still-unfinalized divorce with Squall, Rinoa is almost ready to get out and meet new people. Almost. She still felt held back for some reason. Maybe it's because her wedding-ring-tan was still visible. Maybe it was because her lip still curls in contempt whenever she thinks of…him. Or maybe she feels like a floosy knowing that she is going out and dating despite still legally being attached to another man. Likely all of the above.

Rinoa got up, walked to her bed, and curled up in a ball under it, where she knew no one could get to her. She remembered doing this as a little girl whenever she was upset. Here, she fell asleep and her subconscious filled with thoughts of yesterday's revelation.

Yesterday

"I need to better myself," she says suddenly over tea to a girlfriend. "Maybe all my problems with men aren't simply because they're egotistical, cold, self-destructive donkeys. Maybe it's my fault."

"No," says her friend. "It's not your fault. They were bad men, and you can do so much better."

Rinoa sighs. "Only some of them were bad. Others were sweet and cute, but wrong for me in every way…but at the same time exactly what I thought I needed. That's probably the problem, right there." Squall was exactly what I needed. Maybe I don't even know what I need.

"Maybe you should be single for a while and think about what you want in a guy. Worked wonders for me."

"I do need a break from guys, honestly."

Her friend laughs heartily and winks. "So does that mean you want to try –"

"Noooo," Rinoa laughs. "No. I just mean I need to take some time for myself and figure out what I want for myself. I can't factor in another person until I know where I'm going, right?"

Her friend looks at her incredulously. "This, coming from the person who hasn't been single since she grew boobs at fifteen?"

Rinoa makes a face. "Shut up." She pauses before adding, "And it did not take me that long to grow boobs!"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, shall we change the subject?"

"No."

The woman across the table gives her a sarcastic stare, her arms crossed expectantly.

"Genevra, you've known me since childhood. Can you help me decide what I should work on?"

"Work on?"

"Yes. I need to make improvements to my character, and then maybe I'll develop higher standards for myself. I'm the most powerful sorceress in Hyne. I can't exactly settle for just anyone."

"There's no wrong answer to this?" Genevra cocks her head to one side, suspiciously.

"Right."

"And you won't scratch me if I tell you what I think you should fix?"

"Nooooo, of course not."

"Okay." Genevra's face clouds slightly, and Rinoa knows she's not going to like what she's going to hear. "Well, I think that it might do you good to work on your…maturity."

Rinoa nods, and tries to keep her face neutral.

"Just because, you know, I think that at times, you can be a little bit childish, and act cute all the time, but not everyone might think you're cute. And the people who do think you're cute might not be the right person for you."

"Mmhmm?"

"Yeah. If maybe you were more mature and more powerful, like a sorceress should be, then maybe more powerful and more mature men would be attracted to you. Not a bunch of losers who want a cute little girlfriend."

"Yeah, maybe."

"When you're more mature, you are smart, powerful, and independent. Oh yeah, independence is good too. You should work on your strength so you can be strong without a man. It's so easy to fall into a trap where you think that you need a guy to complete you, and you get so dependent on him."

"But I like being rescued…" Rinoa says in a small voice.

"Yes, and once in a while is okay. But how much did you depend on Seifer? Squall? Your other boyfriends? Then what happened? They let you down. A mature, strong, independent woman takes care of herself more than she relies on others to take care of her."

Rinoa doesn't say anything in response.

"I didn't mean to say this and make you feel defeated. Honestly, I think that everyone could stand to further develop their maturity and independence. Especially at our age. We're in our twenties! Fledglings! Young-'uns! We've got all this time to better ourselves and work to become strong. Strength is an elusive state of mind. Some people spend their whole lives and still aren't satisfied with who they are at the end of it. In the end, it doesn't matter what I think, or a guy thinks, it only matters what you think of yourself. And if you're strong, you can look at yourself and know that even though you're weak sometimes, you can make up for it with strength and class the rest of the time, and that overall, you're damn awesome."

The subject changes to shoes, and babies, and work, and suddenly Rinoa feels self-reflective. She's barely listening anymore. Instead, she finds herself realizing that Genevra is right, and that she could stand to do a bit of self-improvement. She just doesn't know how to start, though. All she knows is that she does really need to grow up.

Sorry for the hiatus! University has been kicking my butt lately.

I hope you like this little bit of Rinoa. Even though she and Squall have broken up doesn't mean her story is over.

As usual, I really really appreciate reading and reviewing :) Constructive criticism also welcomed - if you hate this, feel free to tell me, and I'll try working with it differently. Thanks so much everyone!

Next chapter will be about Quistis.

~Anya