Summary.
Max's diary ages 13-16
And a bit of a cliffhanger at the end.
2008, Unknown date
(My counselor asked me to) NO
(My parents and I agreed) NO
No. This is the place to be myself so I'll do it my way.
A little introduction trying to sort my thoughts (emphasis on the trying part).
I'm visiting a counselor, her name is Mrs. Hall.
One of the agreements that I reached with my parents consisted in me visiting a counselor until they considered I was doing better.
I was out of options so I accepted, fully aware of the ambiguity of the agreement terms.
My first session with my previous counselor was based on questions and more questions (polite and respectful) on a topic that I don't talk about with anybody (no exceptions there), so I said practically nothing. My second and final session was far worse despite the counselor's efforts to start over, I said nothing.
Mrs. Hall is my second counselor. My parents and I agreed to find someone with whom I felt comfortable.
Mrs. Hall never mentions C.
So I feel comfortable.
She just asks me how was my day, what I think, what I feel etc. She never pushes me even though I answer her most of the time with monosyllables. She calls that talking, I´m OK with that.
On our last session she told me that I should gather my thoughts (hey, big news, even before the move my brain was chaotic). First step is being honest to yourself and one of the best ways it's to write a diary or letters. Expressing your thoughts in written words usually helps because it's harder to lie.
Psychology 101, that's what I thought. I don't need a counselor to know that I can express my feelings by writing a diary or letters.
But I'm committed to my parents and NO (honesty Max, this is for you).
The truth is I don't want to feel dead inside, I wish I could move on.
So since I have no one to write to - (sorry for the blot this is harder than I thought) I'll stick to the diary thing.
Now onto some rules and terms of use:
This is not a diary. In fact we pirates don't have diaries, we have logbooks GRRR (small joke to relieve the tension of the moment).
I'm just going to write whatever crosses my mind.
I'm not going to follow any order or criteria, all I promise is to write regularly.
So, why bothering with introductions etc if this diary is just for me?
If movies have taught me something is that this ultra secret journal is going to be stashed in the most hidden corner of my room but no matter how hard I try to hide it, some or several (or all) of the following people will read it at one point:
a) My parents (most likely)
b) My boyfriend (that's a long, long shot)
c) My best friend (I don't talk about that, no exceptions)
d) A random friend (I hope he/she is understanding and respectful, I would be)
e) The cleaning lady (we don't have one)
So if you are a), b) d) or e) you know what this is about and I hope you feel bad for reading what you shouldn't. This is for therapeutic purposes.
And if you're c) I'm sorry but I think I'll never be able to give you 100%. I'm sure you're an absolutely wonderful person if I had let you get so close to me. Maybe you deserve better, think about it.
2008, Unknown date
Last Saturday I went to the Thunderbirds game, second one on our father-daughter bonding project.
I had to choose an activity to do with him and I thought that sports would be the best choice. An activity that involved watching other people do something would allow me to disconnect from time to time and take refuge in myself. (Opera was a fast discard because...well).
I did some internet research about professional teams in Seattle and I came across the Thunderbirds. I don't have a clue about hockey (about sports in general) but Thunderbirds seemed like a more spectacular name than Supersonics or Seahawks, my father was surprised but he didn't complain.
Better not tell him how I came up with that choice .
Opening game was a bit of first contact thing, my father was so excited about us going together that he bought me a team jersey (too big, apparently there are no hockey fans with my small frame).
This second game was better. I even managed to focus in the actual game for a while, of course there was a fight and that helped a lot.
I try to look interested because I know my parents will appreciate it and that's the right thing to do.
I asked my father to take a picture of me with my brand new jersey, although I later regretted. His sausage-like fingers are not made for my new camera. I feared total mayhem while noticing he couldn't find the right button to press.
Before going to sleep I reviewed the photo and I couldn't help remembering who taught me to take pictures with the Polaroid
Let's say I didn't have a good night.
2008, Unknown date
I'm not so cloistered at home anymore, I go out and try to do different things but most of the time I am on autopilot. I try hard but the only thing that gets me going is photography.
I really enjoy when it's just me and my camera but as I haven't free roaming privileges I don't get many of those moments.
My mother has already caught up with her work, we've been visiting Seattle together, the three of us. We also went hiking to Mt Rainier (Guided Routes, GPS and stuff, better not rely in my father's survivalist skills)
I spend more time with Kristen and Fernando, most periods, lunch time etc. I like them both and I think I got very lucky when I was assigned to them.
I am still having issues with spending out of school time with them. I feel comfortable around them, but when school's over I just want to be home. I don't think I would be a good company right now, it's hard enough to pretend being OK during school hours.
I hope they understand it.
Seattle is already covered in Christmas lights. I love Christmas Lights. I love vintage lighting in general.
Why not leaving them all year round?
I gotta think about it. Lanterns maybe?
December 23, 2008
Mom, I'm pretty sure eventually you'll get to read this diary.
Based on genetic trait, and discarding Dad who isn't nosy at all, it has to be you who I got my nosiness from.
I want you to know that in this story (my story) there is an unsung hero and that's you.
You've been behind every single thing that Dad has done to try to fix me. You have chosen to stay on the bench letting dad take the glory of the last goal and I know you've done it for the team (dog, all this sports terminology is getting into my head).
I am so grateful for you both, but this is about you.
You know I am also nosy (my genes I can't help it, ultimately your fault). Some time ago I came across this box full of pictures that was not-so-well hidden in your wardrobe.
Funny how you two looked 20 years ago.
Apart from many kissing photos (yuck, gross) there was this picture that got me smiling for a whole day.
I didn't know you played in a grunge band (or was it pre-grunge? I am not sure about the dates).
You know why I asked for a guitar my last birthday? I wanted to play guitar just like my mom did (minus the grunge thing).
Mom, someday I would like to be as good as a mother as you are.
I would settle for being half the mother you are to me.
These are going to be my first Christmas in Seattle, as long as I can remember all I have are good memories of Christmas but this year is different.
I hope we have a nice Christmas, the three of us together
March 12, 2009.
How many times have I been about to call C.? Hundreds.
If I didn't call her yesterday I don't think I ever will.
Perhaps the time has come to write down some of the thoughts I am unable to speak out in loud voice. Mrs Hall said that eventually this moment would come.
Not having C. by my side is so painful that I can't feel anything else.
I don't know how to live without C. in my life, I haven't done since I was 5 years old and I am still petrified.
I decided to erase her from my life. I thought a long distance relationship wouldn't work and we would slowly forget about each other, so I decided to end it at once.
- (sincerity, sincerity Max, you can't fool yourself)
Truth is I was actually terrified that a long distance relationship wouldn't work for her, that she would slowly grew apart and forget about me.
I would have never forgotten her, not in a lifetime.
I thought it would be easier for me this way.
I still haven´t accepted what I did, I think I'll never do
Does time really change everything?
Future Max I dare you: prove me wrong, prove my Dad was right and time will heal me.
And please, somebody take care of C.
September 21, 2010
Today I'm fifteen years old.
I have not heard anything from C. since the day I went to her house to say goodbye.
Over time I have remembered the last words she told me that day. I should have been blocking that memory (my limited brain seems to have allied with me on that one). No matter how hard I tried, not until some moths ago I could remember.
I try not to think about her because it's painful. But I do, I just can't get her out of my mind.
What is she up to, who are her friends, how she would look like (Sure she is beautiful girl, she has always has been) .
Today I am fifteen years old and I know that the reasons why I made the worst decision in my life were totally wrong.
But I have to live with it.
Now, there is no point in calling her or asking for forgiveness.
C. surely has gotten over me and she doesn't need me back in her life. After all, I'm the one who bailed on her when she needed me the most.
I could never forgive myself for what I did to her.
June 10, 2011.
Summer is almost here.
Kristen, Fernando and I hang out a lot. They have been very patient with me and finally I'm breaking my shell, at my own pace but firmly.
One of my favorite places in Seattle is Woodland Park Zoo, I've gone multiple times, so many that Kristen and Fernando refuse to come with me again.
My favorite animals are penguins, I could spend the whole afternoon just looking at them although I never take pictures.
Soon I will turn sixteen and I still look like a little girl.
Kristen is tall, she has boobs and ass. All I have is a pale body completely covered with freckles and no curves at all. I'm actually months older than her but she seems to be way ahead of me, just like most of the other girls in my class.
Talking about penguins, here's a random thought: Penguins are among the most faithful species in the animal kingdom, once they find a partner they mate for life.
Another random thought: You know who would look totally killer in a tuxedo?
March 25, 2012
Kristen: 11.00 AM
how's your Sunday? What are u up to?
Max: 11.00 AM
Home chores, feels like I'm grounded
How was last night after I left?
Kristen: 11.00 AM
We saw another movie, went to sleep after that
Max: 11.00 AM
Sorry to leave, my father won't pick me up later
Kristen: 11.00 AM
Fernando stayed in the guest room
U should have stayed for a sleepover, U never do
Max: 11.05 AM
No sleepovers for me. No offense, totally not your fault
I just don't do it anymore. Sorry
Kristen: 11.05 AM
Ur choice, not a problem
Kristen: 11.07 AM
U remember Dan, the guy in history class?
Max: 11.07 AM
U mean Dan the guy you like?
Kristen: 11.07 AM
Guilty as charged. That one.
Next Tuesday we are going out, dinner
He has this friend Mark, he knows u from school, wanna go the 4 of us on a fancy dinner?
Will be home early
Max: 11.07 AM
4? Fernando not coming?
Kristen: 11.07 AM
U serious?
Max: 11.07 AM
?
Kristen: 11.07 AM
It´s a DATE, Fernando not included
Max: 11.12 AM
Not for me, sorry, u have fun
Kristen: 11.12 AM
Plz.
Max: 11.12 AM
Not a good idea, u should go with Dan, don't even know the other guy
Kristen: 11.12 AM
He knows u. U are in his radar
Come on plz
Max: 11.12 AM
Not been in a date
Kristen: 11.12 AM
How long?
Max: 11.12 AM
Like ever
Kristen: 11.13 AM
never?
Max: 11.15 AM
I just hung out with u guys, when was I supposed to?
Kristen: 11.15 AM
U should totally come
Max: 11.15 AM
Not interested
Kristen: 11.15 AM
Mark is cute, plz
Max: 11.15 AM
Still not interested. For the record, not interested in dating in general
Kristen: 11.15 AM
Max, seriously, we waited for u until u were ready
U should try dating
Do it for urself also
Max: 11.20 AM
Low blow
Kristen: 11.20 AM
Not intended as a blow
U should try dating. Everybody does
Kristen: 11.23 AM
plz. I like this guy
Never asked u anything before
Max: 11.27 AM
Another low blow
Kristen: 11.27 AM
Not that way, just it's important for me
Wouldn't ask if not
Max: 11.27 AM
I get to be alone with the other guy?
Kristen: 11.27 AM
U want to?
Max: 11.27 AM
hell no!
Kristen: 11.27 AM
Double date means there is 4 of us
U feel better that way?
Kristen: 11.28 AM
C'mon Max's first date!
Max: 11.32 AM
U are out of "never asked u anything" cards
OMG
Fine. I'll go
Notes
With this chapter I tried to cover some 3 years of Max's life in Seattle.
These 3 years are slowly preparing Max for major changes and/or revelations that will be covered in next chapters.
I thought the best way to tell what was going on was letting Max explain herself.
The dashed parts are supposed to be tears in the diary. I tried many different things, then I copy-pasted the text and rich format wouldn't allow me my initial layout. This would have to make it.
And, yes, next chapter is Max's first date in Seattle plus a small surprise.
Anything you guys want to ask, criticize or correct, you are all welcomed.